I’m in a funk.

I’m in a funk. I’ve been in one, for about a week now. Here’s how I figured this out.

1) This is my first post in over a week, which for me, is pretty unheard of. I’m always dying to get back to my computer to post something new, because I enjoy it that much. But I’ve  had nothing to say. What’s my latest? Well, let’s see. Every morning I take my temperature, and it’s still low. Every afternoon I hold out on going to the bathroom for 4 hours until I get home and pee on a stick, only to see a circle, not a smiley face. Every time I go to the bathroom I do some examining (we’ll leave it at that) and try to analyze the signs – could I possibly be ovulating?? It’s looking like a resounding no. It’s clearly not happening this cycle, and now I have to wait for the next one. So honestly, what else is there to say?

2) I haven’t called, or texted, like, anyone. Not that I’ve ever been the best at reaching out to people, but I haven’t even contacted my mother or my sister; two people I usually talk to on an almost daily basis. A good week went by (the funk week, up until a few days ago) where, other than the people I work with and my husband, I didn’t talk to any of my friends or family. That is so unusual for me. I take that back – I did talk to a friend or two. But I found myself doing nothing but complaining. Who wants to hear that again and again?

3) I’ve lost my hobbies. Whatever they were. I can’t even remember anymore, other than blogging. What did I like to do in my spare time before I committed my brain to thinking about getting pregnant 24/7? Honestly, let me know if you can remember. Nothing sounds appealing lately.

4) Holy crap, my sensitive meter is doing that thing in the cartoons when it’s all the way to the right, glowing red, and steam is coming off it. I’m over-sensitive. Now, I’m a sensitive person by nature anyway, and I’ve never been good at letting things roll off my back, but wow. Hopefully, this is the Clomid talking, and for the first time in many years, my hormones are popping up to say hello. If not, yikes. Gotta work on that one.

5) I feel like I’m starting to forget the prize. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, for a child. To start a family with my husband. That thought has been pretty consuming for the last few years, and I’ve waited so long to act on it. Now, I’m just begging for ovulation, and then I’ll be begging for pregnancy. I need to back up and look at the goal, here.

6) You know how I know I’ve really been in a funk? Knowing that I’ve been in a funk. I fully recognize that I’ve not been as happy, or chipper or what have you, and that I’m on Round 1 of Clomid, for Pete’s sake. So many people have gone through so much more, and kept their heads up higher. And I totally see that. But even knowing that, I’m still in a funk.

I still have a tremendous amount of hope for getting pregnant. I’m just at the beginning of all this. But my GOD, the waiting is unbearable! Seriously, the patience – that’s what’s taking its toll on me. I don’t have any. I know exactly what my body needs to do, but I’m allowed to actually mess around with it about 5 minutes a day, to take my temp, examine my stuff, and POAS (pee on a stick – sounds so much nicer this way). The rest of the day – I can’t turn my brain off! And when I do, my thoughts don’t know where to go! I’m at a loss.

So. This sounds pretty depressing, and it frankly feels depressing writing it. But I’ve wanted to post for some time now, and just did not know what to say. I’m also aware that the more I let this thing control my life, the more self-centered I’ve become. I’ve been telling myself to remember my friends’ lives, and inquire about my family. This isn’t all about me, but when you’re thinking about your own fertility all day and night, it quickly becomes that way.

A good friend hearing me whine and wallow in self-pity reminded me that I can’t let this take over my whole life. When I finally get pregnant, I’m going to want to have a life then, too. I can’t go on like this in some form or another for 9 months of pregnancy, plus however long it takes to get there. I just can’t.

Right now, it is my whole life, and it’s all negative. The waiting is crazy, I’ve been a robotic blob. This is enough. I’m good; I’d like my brain to go somewhere else, please. I’m ready to focus on something else and let Clomid be an afterthought. I am still exercising daily, and I’ve also stopped eating sugar (in dessert form) after meals, to see if it lessens the mouth hives. So far, it has. Let’s see if it continues.

I do love the idea of a daily positive thought (or two). It’s a start. Today’s: I’m happy that I managed to drag myself to pilates tonight, and that I’m currently drinking hot tea. 🙂 I’m happy for my new coworkers, whom I feel like I’ve known a long time. I’m more than happy with my wonderful, make-me-laugh-when-I’m-down husband, and my dogs. I’m happy for my new show that I love, Jericho. I’m happy that I finally did post on my blog, and maybe this is the start of the de-funking process. See that? Not bad.

However, this won’t be enough to hold my brain’s attention the rest of the day.

Any ideas out there? What do you do to take your mind off of pregnancy-related thoughts?

 

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21 thoughts on “I’m in a funk.

  1. Jenna says:

    I’m sorry you’re in a funk…those stink! When I’ve gotten into a funk, or depression from a failed cycle I’ve done retail therapy which is always fun. Yoga is always fantastic. Not to metion any type of self-pampering: mani, pedi, facial, massage =) Good luck!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you. Yes, I love yoga .I actually wish the class was longer – I’m always a little sad when it’s over so quickly. Self-pampering is good too..I like it! Thanks for the ideas 🙂

  2. Bear says:

    I think the hardest thing I’m dealing with is the realization that I’m at the beginning of a long and difficult journey. I’m read for the long and difficult part to be over. I’m not a very patient person either. 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Yes. That’s exactly it! I’m only at the beginning! Well, I tell myself often, you never know, maybe it’ll be shorter for me, but of course that’s wishful thinking. Patience can’t be in short supply. Thanks for the comment!

  3. JustHeather says:

    *big hugs* I am sure I have written this exact same post many times over, whether on my blog or in my head, I’ve defintely written it! Know you are not alone in this funk and all of your feelings. TTC, when it doesn’t “just happen” totally sucks! Unfortunately, there are a lot of us who don’t get pregnant within the first year.

    Once I finally started fully confiding in my closest friends, I’d tell them there are good days and bad days. Good days are when I can see the sun, feel positive about the things around me and for others who have got what I want and when I am not in a funk or don’t cry. 🙂 The bad days, well, I’m sure you can guess those. It got to the point when anyone would ask me, I’d just tell them if it was a good day or a bad day. (Today’s a good day.) Bad days generally meant i didn’t want to talk about anything, but good days were usualy when I hate the patience to explain the procedures I was going through, my worries and fears, etc.

    I agree it is very hard (impossible?) to find something that gets your mind of everything TTC related, but as you said, as long as you have little things, they do help. I started some new hobbies during our TTC journey (Postcrossing, Taekwon-do and stained glass/melted glass jewelry, got a sewing maching, which I don’t use often enough) and they did help. I also didn’t start really blogging until about a year a half and ago (2 years in) and that has helped me tremendously, especially finding the Stirrup Queens and ALI community.

    Hang in there! You’re not alone! Thinking of you.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you so much for your nice message! 🙂 I appreciate how you put into words how I feel with the “good day bad day” thing. Someone recently told me I seemed a little down, and I found that I did NOT want to talk about it! Because sometimes it really doesn’t need to be stated – it’s a permanent thing in my life right now and I’m not going to forget about it. That must have been what should be called a “bad day”. I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. So, what’s postcrossing? And I also agree, blogging has been helpful. I have not gone to the Stirrup Queens yet, I really need to.

      • JustHeather says:

        Postcrossing is really simple (but takes more to write out). You send a postcard to a random person and you get a postcard from a random person via the Postcrossing.com website you sign up. It’s a fairly inexpensive hobby that you can send 1 card a month or several a month. Each time, you get a card back from somewhere around the world. I’ve learned a lot through it, met new friends (online and in person) and loved getting mail that isn’t bills!

        Stirrup Queens is wonderful! I hope you do check out Mel’s ‘little’ corner of the web.

      • futuresoccermom says:

        I’ve never heard of postcrossing – but that’s really cool! Adult pen pals. Awesome! I’ll check out that website, definitely. Stirrup Queens is really neat..I signed up to be added to the blogroll, and of course signed up to read her blog. I’m a fan!

  4. Rachel says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself about being in a funk. I think it’s okay and normal to feel down for sometime. One of your hobbies and passions is children! And it sucks to have to deal with infertility and not be able to achieve this passion easily!

    Just like you said though, it would be great to be able to think about something else and find that sense of joy from a hobby. From what I remember…before TTC you loved travel, photography, reading, hiking :), spending time with friends and family. Maybe you and your H could choose places around NE to take a day trip and snap some photographs.

    Just remember… I LOVE YOU!!! Even when you are in a funk and you can always complain to me when you need to 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      You are awesome. Thanks, I love you too 🙂 Apparently I need to tap into those old hobbies again, that definitely might help. I think more hiking is in order! I appreciate the support. 🙂

  5. K says:

    This is normal! It’s hard to be positive and upbeat when your body is doing so many strange things. It does take forever, I’m there too. We are now at almost 26 months of TTC. I’ve become the master of distracting hobbies! We’ve remodeled the kitchen, half bath, and living room. I have read a TON of trash novels, more when I’m stressed, started about a dozen craft projects that I’ve never finished, learned to make bread, and started researching for our summer veggie garden. Most nights after work, all I want to do is sit on the couch. That is all we did for Christmas and New Years Eve and that’s ok. This is a difficult time and my thought is that we should do whatever it takes to hold ourselves together. It dos help to reach out to family and friends though. I’ve done the same thing as you and it only gets harder for me when I try to carry all my stress and worries by myself.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you so much. You know, it was you I was thinking about when I mentioned new hobbies – I remembered that you had once mentioned a lot of house remodeling. I can totally understand how that would take your mind off things – and my house could sure use the work. I really like that idea. What craft projects have you done? I’m always interested in a new craft. Finally – I can’t imagine being on month 26. Keeping your head up like you do is really impressive. I know it’s all normal, but it definitely sucks. I appreciate the supportive comment! 🙂

      • K says:

        Have you ever used Pinterest? So many project ideas, not enough time to do them all! I just made a topiary while watching some tv. Looks great on the kitchen counter.

  6. Ess says:

    Hey! I was actually wondering if everything was okay as I hadn’t seen you post in a little bit. Glad to see that you popped back in despite how you’ve been feeling. I can really associate with a lot of what you’ve written. Particularly around the hobbies and not making contact with friends and family. I have always danced and when I was pregnant and had my m/c I stopped going all together and in many ways haven’t had the heart to go back yet. I’ve been thinking of starting yoga but seemingly I have a thousand excuses not to start up. The reality is that these funks can go on for quite sometime. At times I’ve also lost sight of the prize.

    I’m really trying to work on ‘patience’ but its killing me. Feels like the entire last year has been about counting days… counting up and counting down. Sometimes I get angry with myself for wishing my days away. Can’t wait to be on the other side of this. I’m trying to ride the rest of this cycle out without googling anything! ha!

    My fingers are so very crossed that ovulation comes for you really soon! : )

    Oh, if you ever go to David’s Tea you have to check out Organic Cold 911! It’s incredible! I’m a recent tea enthusiast!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you for that – I really appreciate it! 🙂 It was really sweet. This whole blogging thing is such a nice form of support – I’m still getting used to the fact that there are people out there, whom I don’t know personally, that support everything I’m going through, and vice versa. It’s just nice. So thanks! I appreciate that you can relate to the whole funk thing. Yoga has been wonderful for me; when you’re feeling up to it, you might really love it. You also made a good point – you want to wish the days away. And I’m right there with you. Like, why am I not on the next cycle yet. Let’s just get to the part where I have a baby. I guess we need to try to enjoy life day to day, but that can be so hard. And wow – I so agree about the googling thing. I’m obsessed with research! It’s maddening!

      I am new to loving tea, as a matter of fact, so I will definitely check that tea out. What makes it so good?

      Thank you for the nice comment 🙂

      • Ess says:

        The Cold 911 is minty, fruity, fresh and delicious! I’ve been drinking my co-workers so it’s time for me to go get my own bag. ‘Forever Nuts’ is also delish! I never really thought I’d be into tea (total coffee girl) but here I am! Let me know if you come across anything interesting.

  7. Tami says:

    Huh. I found your blog a few days ago, and left a comment on your last post- but it didn’t seem to take (story of my life. ha!). Anyway, in it- I warned you that Clomid can be force to be reckoned with. I took it for 3 cycles straight, and I’ve never been so emotional, so obsessed, and so… negative in my entire life. I didn’t attribute it to the Clomid until my last appointment of those 3 cycles when I broke into hysterical sobs with the vag-cam inside me. Like, lost it. At that point, my doctor told me that the med says in your system for 28-days and it can do some serious damage with your emotions. It’s the primary reason she dislikes Clomid as a fertility med so much. And hearing that, made me feel a bit better. Perhaps I wasn’t going crazy after all! I’ve moved on from Clomid and I can’t say that my breakdowns, compulsive thoughts about this process, sadness, and general apathy about life have disappeared totally- but they seem to broken in smaller chunks… vs. ALL THE TIME. Perhaps this tidbit might help you through the darkness as well?

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Hello! Thanks for the comment – yeah, I didn’t see the last one! I just checked out your blog and signed up, so thank you for making another comment! I guess this is about Clomid. Or a lot of it. I never realized the effects would last the whole cycle. Your knowledge about it definitely helps me through, so thank you very much! 🙂

  8. Shannon says:

    I’m sorry, Meg. I know this whole journey has had its ups, downs and in-betweens. Just think of how much stronger (and more patient!) of a person you are becoming and don’t forget to be more forgiving of yourself. I believe your dreams are right around the corner. Don’t forget you have a big support team and it helps to use us. Whether you need us to listen, distract or make you laugh, that’s what we are here for. Just don’t stop believing that your dreams will come true….I know they will! Love you!

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