I’m in a funk. I’ve been in one, for about a week now. Here’s how I figured this out.
1) This is my first post in over a week, which for me, is pretty unheard of. I’m always dying to get back to my computer to post something new, because I enjoy it that much. But I’ve had nothing to say. What’s my latest? Well, let’s see. Every morning I take my temperature, and it’s still low. Every afternoon I hold out on going to the bathroom for 4 hours until I get home and pee on a stick, only to see a circle, not a smiley face. Every time I go to the bathroom I do some examining (we’ll leave it at that) and try to analyze the signs – could I possibly be ovulating?? It’s looking like a resounding no. It’s clearly not happening this cycle, and now I have to wait for the next one. So honestly, what else is there to say?
2) I haven’t called, or texted, like, anyone. Not that I’ve ever been the best at reaching out to people, but I haven’t even contacted my mother or my sister; two people I usually talk to on an almost daily basis. A good week went by (the funk week, up until a few days ago) where, other than the people I work with and my husband, I didn’t talk to any of my friends or family. That is so unusual for me. I take that back – I did talk to a friend or two. But I found myself doing nothing but complaining. Who wants to hear that again and again?
3) I’ve lost my hobbies. Whatever they were. I can’t even remember anymore, other than blogging. What did I like to do in my spare time before I committed my brain to thinking about getting pregnant 24/7? Honestly, let me know if you can remember. Nothing sounds appealing lately.
4) Holy crap, my sensitive meter is doing that thing in the cartoons when it’s all the way to the right, glowing red, and steam is coming off it. I’m over-sensitive. Now, I’m a sensitive person by nature anyway, and I’ve never been good at letting things roll off my back, but wow. Hopefully, this is the Clomid talking, and for the first time in many years, my hormones are popping up to say hello. If not, yikes. Gotta work on that one.
5) I feel like I’m starting to forget the prize. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, for a child. To start a family with my husband. That thought has been pretty consuming for the last few years, and I’ve waited so long to act on it. Now, I’m just begging for ovulation, and then I’ll be begging for pregnancy. I need to back up and look at the goal, here.
6) You know how I know I’ve really been in a funk? Knowing that I’ve been in a funk. I fully recognize that I’ve not been as happy, or chipper or what have you, and that I’m on Round 1 of Clomid, for Pete’s sake. So many people have gone through so much more, and kept their heads up higher. And I totally see that. But even knowing that, I’m still in a funk.
I still have a tremendous amount of hope for getting pregnant. I’m just at the beginning of all this. But my GOD, the waiting is unbearable! Seriously, the patience – that’s what’s taking its toll on me. I don’t have any. I know exactly what my body needs to do, but I’m allowed to actually mess around with it about 5 minutes a day, to take my temp, examine my stuff, and POAS (pee on a stick – sounds so much nicer this way). The rest of the day – I can’t turn my brain off! And when I do, my thoughts don’t know where to go! I’m at a loss.
So. This sounds pretty depressing, and it frankly feels depressing writing it. But I’ve wanted to post for some time now, and just did not know what to say. I’m also aware that the more I let this thing control my life, the more self-centered I’ve become. I’ve been telling myself to remember my friends’ lives, and inquire about my family. This isn’t all about me, but when you’re thinking about your own fertility all day and night, it quickly becomes that way.
A good friend hearing me whine and wallow in self-pity reminded me that I can’t let this take over my whole life. When I finally get pregnant, I’m going to want to have a life then, too. I can’t go on like this in some form or another for 9 months of pregnancy, plus however long it takes to get there. I just can’t.
Right now, it is my whole life, and it’s all negative. The waiting is crazy, I’ve been a robotic blob. This is enough. I’m good; I’d like my brain to go somewhere else, please. I’m ready to focus on something else and let Clomid be an afterthought. I am still exercising daily, and I’ve also stopped eating sugar (in dessert form) after meals, to see if it lessens the mouth hives. So far, it has. Let’s see if it continues.
I do love the idea of a daily positive thought (or two). It’s a start. Today’s: I’m happy that I managed to drag myself to pilates tonight, and that I’m currently drinking hot tea. 🙂 I’m happy for my new coworkers, whom I feel like I’ve known a long time. I’m more than happy with my wonderful, make-me-laugh-when-I’m-down husband, and my dogs. I’m happy for my new show that I love, Jericho. I’m happy that I finally did post on my blog, and maybe this is the start of the de-funking process. See that? Not bad.
However, this won’t be enough to hold my brain’s attention the rest of the day.
Any ideas out there? What do you do to take your mind off of pregnancy-related thoughts?