Anddd CD 1.

My body played a really cruel joke on me. And I totally fell for it.

I got AF today. I think. I feel like everything’s a question now, but I’m pretty sure I did. Midway through the day, I was giving a writing lesson and got those tell-tale cramps. I went to the bathroom at lunch shortly after, and sure enough. A color and consistency change. Pretty sure that’s AF.

So the joke’s on me. I felt like total crap, and I still do, but today it’s changed into a throat thing, so I guess I was really getting sick after all. I had spotting, which I never, ever get, on 9 and 10 DPO, which would’ve been right on target for implantation. Of course, I’ve never really had a normal period before. I guess I spot first. I had high temps, even during spotting (which was a sign for concern regarding implantation..shouldn’t it dip?). That said, I STILL have high temps. Well, I did this morning. Most people, I thought, saw a drop in temp on CD 1. But I did not. After some quick googling (yeah, I caved), I found that some people’s temps don’t drop until midway, or even after AF.

So. What’s most frustrating, I think, is what happened to me mentally since the spotting began a few days ago. Up until that point, I was calm, cool, and collected, and really, I breezed through the TWW. Once that spotting began I lost my composure. As it went on yesterday, and I continued feeling sickly, and then the spotting turned to nothing and my temps stayed high, I really started believing that a miracle could’ve occurred. I started walking around feeling like I was pregnant, thinking that yes, it was most likely true. I considered how I would tell my family and close friends, and my husband. He, of course, has been following this every step of the way, and was equally disappointed, which was sad for me, but followed up with “We’ll keep at it” and an “I love you”.

I made a rookie mistake. My first ovulation, thanks to Clomid, and I allowed myself to believe I was pregnant. And then, I got incredibly anxious/excited/nervous about it. Last night I could barely even say the words out loud, that’s how anxious I was about it. I found out I was nervous, which I never expected I would be. Not calm in the slightest.

In the coming cycles, I will hopefully have learned my lesson. I know so many of you out there learned this lesson a long time ago, and I’m just catching on now. Do not, under any circumstances, get your hopes up. Because when you start to believe it’s true, and then it’s not, it hurts more than you ever thought it would.

I’m not crying or anything, I’m just….totally bummed. But it’s CD 1, I’ll call for Clomid tomorrow, and the pills will be in my belly in the next week. Onwards and upwards.

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22 thoughts on “Anddd CD 1.

  1. K says:

    I know exactly how that feels! AF is a sneaky jerk, especially when you don’t know what to expect. Don’t get rid of all your hope during the TWW. One of these months, it will happen when you least expect it!

  2. Curly Sue says:

    We all make rookie mistakes in the beginning. Its just so tempting to be positive when you have no reason to be otherwise! I’m really sorry your body tricked you :-\ On a bright note though, you ovulated! That is HUGE! The fact that there was even a chance for you to get pregnant this month is a big step in the right direction. Hopefully it will only take one or two more cycles for your BFP 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Yes! You’re right. I am super glad I ovulated, I suppose that right there is a miracle in itself. I’m also hoping for the next few cycles to be successful. Thanks for the positive outlook 🙂

  3. Emily says:

    Ugh…The same thing happens to me too…is it spotting before AF or could it be IMPLANTATION??? And then it’s not. Ever. Boo. It’s a very fine balance between being a Debbie Downer and setting yourself up for disappointment. Sorry.

  4. Not-So-Fertile Girl says:

    It is so hard to resist the read so much into every little thing towards the end of the TWW. I get so mad at myself for those exact same thoughts (How will I tell him? Family, etc.) that you described. It’s just so hard not to do. I’m sorry that things didn’t happen for you this cycle. My husband and I have an unwritten rule now for the TWW. We don’t talk about it. I don’t tell him any of my suspicions so we don’t “jinx it”. It’s because the one and only time I managed to do this in our almost 3 years of trying was the only time I was pregnant. Even though we lost that pregnancy, we have decided to not mess with the “jinxing it” fates! 😛

    • futuresoccermom says:

      I love your rule; I think it’s a great one. We just may try it. In addition, my DH doesn’t want to know when I get the smiley face – it puts on too much pressure. So we’ll start that “no talking about it” rule when I ovulate. Thanks for the suggestion!!

  5. Psycholovista says:

    Oh, I’m sorry. I have gone through almost the exact agonizing, hope-inducing, potential implantation bleeding / spotting. I never spot and one month I did and my period didn’t come until two days later. It was so painful. I was definitely grieving for a day or two. It’s so hard to tell yourself to not be hopeful when for whatever reason a seed of hope gets planted.

  6. krista says:

    Don’t be disappointed in the way you felt. The nervousness, anxiousness and excitedness (if that’s a word) is all completely normal. I think when you stop feeling that way and are completely jaded by the process, then you’ll be in trouble. Until then, be happy for the small successes (i.e. ovulating, starting to get a normal cycle, and having an amazingly supportive husband). Love ya!

  7. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    Oh my gosh, we are going to be cycling exactly together! AF came for me yesterday too! I am so sorry it was such a bad tease. Don’t beat yourself up for the way you felt. I think everyone feels the same way. Hoping and praying we both get our BFP this time!

  8. Ess says:

    Ah, Megan feeling bummed for you. I was feeling the same way and few weeks ago. Can’t wait to get off this roller coaster someday soon. Hope you get a chance to relax on the weekend.

  9. Jenna says:

    AF is such a witch! We’ve all made this mistake of hoping it was something else and letting our minds go so don’t feel bad about it. Have a little chocolate and wine and get ready for the next one.

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