“The Clomid Games”

What a difference. I can’t believe how drastically my thought process has changed in the last day or two. I don’t know what it was, exactly, that gave me this kick in the pants, but now I feel like a new person.

Two posts in a row all about thinking positively, combined with my tag bubble, tells me that optimism and pessimism are something I apparently struggle with. I always want optimism, but I tend to find pessimism. Now, I’m trying to reach for it.

What was it that helped, you ask? There was no mind-bending google search that put my mind at ease; obviously there was no guarantee of anything (is there ever?). Simply put – I started thinking optimistically.

All along, I had been doing it wrong. I knew that positive thinking meant telling yourself something good was going to happen, or that things would find their way in time, or whatever. Here’s what I didn’t know: when you say those things to yourself, you’re supposed to believe them! Who knew?

I’ve been telling myself that pregnancy will happen, and hopefully with Clomid. I only have the medicine for two more cycles after this, so there really is a timeline.  But I’ve never actually believed Clomid will work. I went through the motions of “not worrying” – aka, thinking positively, but I didn’t take it to heart. Now, I have. I am believing that Clomid is going to work for me, and soon. Yes, soon. Not necessarily this cycle, but in the next few. I suddenly feel so sure of this that I even made a comment this morning to my husband, while we were discussing a future purchase that was not cheap. I literally said, “We might want to wait a few months to buy anything major, so that if (or did I say ‘when’?) I’m pregnant we can decide what we really need.” I just gave myself a timeline – months!

Now, I’m the first one to raise my hand and say, “You’re being stupid – bad idea.” If you’re thinking this right now, I’m with you. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to get to this point, because I have been telling myself that. The higher you climb, the farther you fall. Stay close to the ground and you won’t get hurt. By thinking this way – I will be pregnant in the next few months – I am subjecting myself to a crash landing. It’s risky business, this whole positive thinking.

See, right now, the pros far outweigh the cons for me. How can I be frustrated/worried/sad/anxious (well, I guess I am still anxious) when I think I will be pregnant soon? I really think it’s coming soon for me. All I have to do is wait a little longer.

I imagine how many bitter reactions I may have to this post. So many of you have probably written something like this. Those of you who have been on this ride for many years have had more ups and downs than anyone should have in a lifetime. I know that this post, today, could come across as naive and insensitive, and perhaps you’re right. I certainly don’t mean it like that. But I am still in the early stages (I’ve only been on Clomid, that’s it) and I have to tell myself it’ll work. I  have to believe it’ll work.

For those who know me, two words that are rarely used in my vocabulary are “hope” and “faith”. I did write a post about hope, once, and I see the benefits. But it’s just not how I think. I’m still not going to say that those words describe me. However, I believe it’s going to happen – I really do. This may be totally blind, utterly dumb, and something I might really regret by late spring, but for right now, I’m going with it.

CD11, and we’re gearing up for what I’m going to officially call “The Clomid Games” (yes, I just finished the Hunger Games and it was sooo good! Now it’s on my brain.) My husband doesn’t want to know the details of my smiley faces this cycle – too much pressure – so I’m subjecting him to random game…quests (ha) and not letting him know when it’s started or ended. I, myself, am not sure when it will start or end, as I O’d on CD 24 last cycle. But I don’t want to wait and take the chance. Let the games begin!

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