“Did I just hear you say you were pregnant?”

There’s something about Thursdays. I don’t know what it is, but when I wake up on Thursday mornings, I anticipate having a good day (or at least decent), and blogging about what I am thankful for in my life. I’d complete this ideal day with a smile on my face.

For whatever reason, my Thursdays are never like this, proving to be very difficult in writing a “thankful” post. That said, tonight I’ve decided to split my post up into two separate trains of thought, so that I won’t feel like so much of a hypocrite while I complain/vent in a post meant to be thankful.

Guess which post this is?

This week has not been the best, work-wise. While I’m not going to go into it, I’ll simply say that it’s been more stressful than normal, leaving me to come home late, get immediately into sweatpants and heave loud, long sighs into the air while stuffing my face with Tostitos chips. Here’s what has happened today, in addition to these work-woes:

1) At lunch, my teacher friends and I were discussing pregnancy cravings. One of my friends had a jar of pickles, and mentioned she craved them when she was pregnant with her son. Then a few others joined in the conversation, I mentioned my mother had a problem with orange juice, and it was all well and good. Well, there were a lot of people in that lunchroom. One person in particular, I have known a few years, but not personally. I know nothing about her, and she knows nothing about me. As the conversation dwindled and I got up to go to the bathroom, she stopped me on my way out the door, had me lean in close, and said, “Did I just hear you say you were pregnant?”

Yup, that’s me. I’m not showing or anything, but you know what? You found out my secret – congratulations! Oh yeah, and you were the very first person I was dying to tell. Thanks for asking.

Seriously?? I do not even KNOW this person! Little does she know how much I think about getting pregnant, and how badly I want to. How it literally hurts, physically, sometimes, when I see a baby or watch Up All Night. Here’s a thought – if I was lucky enough to be pregnant right now, why on earth would she think I would tell her, when I’d clearly be in the early stages, in a lunchroom full of people, being someone I do not even know??

I simply uttered a loud, resounding, “No…Nope!” and proceeded to walk out without another comment. When I got back from the bathroom, she was gone. There are some things you just don’t say. You know, like “How far along are you?” when you’re not sure if the person is pregnant or not. Or when you hear a conversation regarding something to do with pregnancy and you guess that the youngest one there is probably pregnant, and most likely will want to tell you so if you just ask.

I’m really not upset – I’m past that sort of emotion when I get that question, I think. More irritated and dumb-founded. So that was fun.

2) I called my nurse this morning and left a message. See, a few weeks ago, she left me a message saying, “We faxed in your Clomid prescription.” That was it – no instructions, nothing. I took it on CD 5-9, and from there I’m just…going with it. Anyway, last cycle, I had my blood taken on CD 21, to see if I ovulated. I hadn’t by that time, but I was gearing up to, and they were able to pick that up in the blood test. So I called this morning to set up my appointment to have my blood done. CD 21 will be Wednesday. I decided that even if I have to take a half-day to get down there and have it done, I would. I’m curious to see if my body will react the same.

Imagine my surprise when I checked my phone after school and the message left on my voicemail went something like this: “Well, see, you ovulated on 50 mcg of Clomid, so we already know that this dosage does work for you. We don’t do blood tests during future cycles, because we already know you ovulate. Let me know if you have any more questions.”

Wait, what? You don’t monitor your patients after the first round? What if I don’t ovulate this time? I mean, I assume I will, but just because I did once doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed! I have a very popular doctor. His joined practice, owned by my college, is one of the best in the state. I know many people who have used him and found success. But what’s up with this? Maybe this is standard procedure and I just never knew? I just assumed they’d want to keep tabs on me. She also gave me no future directions – when should I try? How often? What do I do if I get pregnant this cycle, or if I don’t? I got nothing.

It’s not a big deal, I guess. I think what’s scary is that my lifeline has just been taken away. My life jacket. I know how to tread water, but I feel so much safer doing it with a life jacket on. Without that, I have to tread water the normal way, like the way everyone else would do it. I have to use my OPK’s, chart my BBT, check my CM, all that good stuff, which I already do and have been doing for months. But it was nice to have a nurse watching me too, letting me know when it was coming. Now I’m in the same pool as everyone else TTC. Good luck mastering that timing.

This brings me to a thought I’ve been tossing around the last day or two. I’ve been Mrs. Optimism, for whatever reason, as you know. When I tell myself it’s happening soon, I don’t have to wait as much. The waiting is less torturous, because I can “see” the end in sight. Here’s the thing. I know plenty of people who have no medical conditions, who chart their BBT and use OPK’s, and who master their BD timing. Still it doesn’t work right away, and can take many months. Even if you do everything right, it’s only a 20% chance. For Clomid users, it goes up to 30%. But still. That’s nothing! Last cycle, my timing was..decent, but not great. I blamed my not getting pregnant on that. This cycle, I’ve been determined to try and try and try. Get that timing down perfect. But even if I do, there is only a slim chance it’ll happen. In other words – there is really nothing any of us, including those who have no medical conditions, can do. After a certain point, it’s completely out of our hands. So my optimistic attitude, stemming from my belief that I will get this timing down perfectly this cycle, has been slightly ruptured, because I remind myself that even if I do it all correctly, there’s really no guarantee. Not even close. I can feel optimistic when I feel in control. But when I don’t, keeping up that momentum is tricky. I’m still telling myself I will give it all I have, and it’s going to work…soon. But I have to tell myself that even if I do everything right, it still might not happen.

CD 15, and I have no idea how close I am to ovulation. My BBT is low, ready to make the jump whenever, my OPK’s (which have been switched from digital to the cheaper “read the line” stick and are way harder to interpret) are pointing to negative. My CM…well who knows. That’s always hard to read for me. Last cycle, it didn’t happen until CD 24. I am prepared for an early ovulation, so we will keep trying.

Okay, now on to a more pleasant attitude…that of thankfulness.

 

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22 thoughts on ““Did I just hear you say you were pregnant?”

  1. thefamilyvan says:

    I so feel your pain regarding the asinine comment about being pregnant. Who asks that? It’s funny you mentioned this in your post today–it’s an issue I was thinking about, too. It seems lately, it’s been a weekly event for someone at school (I’m a teacher, too!) to ask whether I’m pregnant or not.

    I admire your strength. The last time I was asked, I lost my shit and started crying. Though I was slightly embarrassed, I also felt kind of smug knowing that woman will certainly be thinking twice before asking someone that question again.

    Thanks for your blog. It makes me feel so much less alone in all this.

    -V.

  2. futuresoccermom says:

    No, thank YOU for that awesome, supportive comment! I appreciate it. It’s funny – my first reaction was definitely shock, like, I was appalled she asked. I suppose in the right context and place, tears could’ve come, but I actually was more angry. I kind of wanted to unleash many choice words, but not in an elementary school’s teacher lunchroom. Oh well. And hey – another teacher! There are so many of us here, and I’m glad for the support. Thank you for reading my blog, and thank you for yours too!

  3. nothingifnotoptimistic says:

    From the beginning of my diagnosis with PCOS, I decided that I was going to be very open about it all. But sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Now that people, especially my coworkers, know that we are actively trying and have sought out help from fertility doctors, every couple of weeks I’m hounded with questions. God forbid I ever have a day where I’m a little bloated or if I even have to scratch my belly because of my cheap, itchy work shirt they gave me. They pounce on it and I have to say no… no I’m still not pregnant. Thanks for reminding me. But it will all be worth it in the end. One of these days we will all get to say.. Why YES!! I am pregnant Thank you very much!! 🙂 Keep Faith and Hope close to you at all times.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      I agree. I have also been very open about this whole thing, but some people do not know how to handle the information. They want to look at you with pity and sad eyes, which is equally annoying. Or they look at you for every sign. But yes, one these days, we will both be able to say yes, we are pregnant.

  4. Curly Sue says:

    Would your doctor’s office humor you if you requested to have cd21 progesterone checked? I ovulated on clomid exactly one time. If I hadn’t been monitored after that cycle I think everything would have been far more confusing. Doesn’t sound right to me.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      That’s the thing – I don’t think so! That’s the test she said no to. And I know there are lots of people out there who do not ovulate on Clomid every time, and now you are one more person. I know it happens. I’m not going to fight her on it yet. If I don’t ovulate by the end of next weekend, which would be like CD 26, she’s getting a call. It’s not right, and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who thinks so!

  5. Still hoping says:

    Ugh girl, sorry about that stupid comment. We have been in the closet “somewhat” because of MFI. I think it’s a protective mechanism for me. That being said, we’ve been married for 8 years and trying for 4.5 so it’s not like it’s a secret that there’s an issue.

    It’s just so hard to decide how much to share… not that you would have with this random person you don’t even know!! There may be alot of people who “know” that we want kids and don’t have them but there are only a small handful who know anything of our IVFs.

    Hang in there girl, we’re with you!

  6. K.Smitty says:

    Lemme just say I effing HATE it when people are nosey and they ask that because they try to sound interested in your life but they’re just plain nosey! I think you handled it beautifully though! Hope your weekend is better 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Haha – I agree! Yes – I don’t even know this person, all I know is that she’s annoying, and she obviously doesn’t care about me. People like that drive me crazy. But thank you, and have a good a weekend too!

  7. Jenna says:

    You may not want my two cents, but I’ll toss them your way just in case….My RE said that OPK’s weren’t worth the money, instead he relies on ultrasounds to figure out when ovulation occurs and then uses a trigger so we KNOW when ovulation occurs. Even the OB I saw before the RE did that. Every doc is different with their approach, but if you aren’t satisfied with what your doc is doing, maybe you could switch. Good luck!!!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      I absolutely want your two cents! And see – that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I hate OPK’s. They suck. I want that damn ultrasound, and the trigger. I will mention it to the nurse, but I have a feeling she’s going to write me off. Do you need to have specific conditions in order to get the trigger shot?

      • Jenna says:

        Long before we had our full diagnoses and started with aggressive IF treatments, I was going to an OBGYN who monitored my follies with ultrasounds and gave a trigger shot. So, nope I don’t think you need a condition other than you need to KNOW when you are ovulating. I know change is hard, but seriously if you aren’t happy with the protocol at your current office and they won’t change it, I’d find a new practice. It took me a long time to discover that. Good luck!!!

  8. Not-So-Fertile Girl says:

    Is it just me, or were we raised on a different planet when it comes to etiquette about asking a woman if she was pregnant? I was taught that this is NEVER something you do! You wait until that person is beyond obvious and announces it before you bring it up. I cannot believe how often this happens in life. I have the burden of infertility AND that I carry all excess weight in my stomach. Tiny waist, blubbery belly. So, even though a practiced eye (one that spends time giving jealous sideways glances at pregnant bellies :-P) can tell the difference between a pregnant bump and a “I eat too much and don’t exercise enough bump,” people make this mistake all of the time and then comment on it. I understand when my 6th graders sometimes don’t know any better – but adults? It really fires me up!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Yes! I agree. I can’t believe how clueless and insensitive some people are. It’s unreal. With my emotional eating, I’ve certainly gained a few pounds and there are some people, like my MIL, whom I catch looking at my stomach all the time. I hate that. Luckily, my 6th graders and 5th graders have never asked me! What have you done when you have gotten that question from them?

      • Not-So-Fertile Girl says:

        I try really hard to remember that they don’t know that I’m secretly a crazily-oversensitive infertile chick. I say no, but then I usually pull them aside and quietly explain why that is not a polite question to ever ask a woman. I know they don’t always come from homes where manners are important. Then, depending on what point in my cycle I’m at, I probably cry when my planning period starts! 😛

  9. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    I am sorry about that stupid comment. I wasn’t TTC yet, but I had an older lady in a hospital I worked at put her hands on my belly and ask me when I was due while I was checking her BP! LOL! Boy was she embarrassed when I told her I wasn’t pregnant!

    The way they are handling the clomid is exactly like they did 25 years ago when my guardian angel was TTC. I think they should be doing more! If I were you I would get a second or third opinion and maybe find a new Dr.

  10. queenelizabethi says:

    I am the same way about feeling optimistic when I feel like I have control over things, but it’s a fragile, temporary state. When you look at the percentages, it’s mind-blowing how many people get pregnant without trying or by accident! And it’s not fair 🙂
    My doctor’s office had an automated message on their phone every time I called for seven straight weeks saying they were closed and when I finally got through to them and told them that the receptionist basically blamed me for not using a phone properly. It’s hard when the doctor is great but the rest of the staff isn’t. You handled yourself well, I think. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Yes! Honestly, the amount of teenagers who get pregnant by accident is unreal. Your situation with your doctor’s office sounds frustrating! Did you end up staying with them, or finding a new doctor?

      • queenelizabethi says:

        I am still with them right now because my doctor is great and the nurses have always been really nice. Plus it’s at the teaching hospital here and they have access to much more than a regular doctor’s office. I think things would have to get really awful for me to switch at this point. I hope your experience gets better!

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