I’m not in a funk.

I’m not in a funk. Don’t worry. However, this is the same time during my last cycle that I was in a funk, and I know why. It’s CD 17, and there are no signs of ovulation. I’m not overly concerned, not yet anyway, because I did not ovulate on Clomid Round 1 until CD 24. But that’s still a week away. Last cycle at this time, I was sure it wasn’t going to happen at all, and that it would be a waste of a cycle. This time, I’m telling myself I’ll apparently ovulate around the same time, so no panicking until after CD 24. So, like I said, I’m not in a funk. But geez, this waiting to ovulate thing. Why couldn’t I have taken Clomid days 3-7, and therefore ovulated earlier? Why has my nurse just shoved the pills at me and basically said, “Good luck”?

Plus, I’m using those cheaper, non-digital OPK’s now, and I want to know: Are they accurate? My second line in the morning is always very faint, but visible. In the afternoons it isn’t visible at all. Am I drinking too much water after lunch? I’ve been holding off going to the bathroom from noon to at least 4:00, sometimes later, but I do have some water in between. Is that okay?

My temperature was the exact same four days in a row, which is always concerning regarding the quality of the thermometer, but that same thermometer worked great last cycle. Just to check, I used  it last night, and got a different reading. Phew, it does work. Then this morning’s temp – the same temp as last night!

Here is what it comes down to. I just want to be sure I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make this baby. Even if it doesn’t happen, I want to know that I did everything I could. That  means I can’t mess up 1) my temps, 2) observing my CM, 3) my BD timing, and 4) reading my OPK’s.

Right now my temps are acting oddly, my CM is constant but not what I’m looking for, my BD timing is…well, okay so far. A few days-in-a-row and a few every-others, and my OPK’s…well the second line is barely there. That’s all fine and good as long as it’s correct. As long as I’m not making an error. I’ll go ahead and wait until next weekend, when it should be time, and then we will try with all our  mights.

This cycle, as I have said before, I’m not telling  my husband when I get the smiley face, or now, the second line. That was way too much pressure for him last time. He doesn’t want to know. That’s fine with me, actually. But it does make it quieter around here. In the past few years, and especially months, we have talked about everything regarding TTC. Everything. He hears it all, and we talk about it. Now that he doesn’t want to know, I don’t have much to share regarding that. Oh well. One more week and then after that, then I may start panicking. I’ll be calling up my nurse and cursing her out for not getting me that CD 21 blood test.

As I re-read this post, I think to myself, “Holy teacher!” Talk about controlling. I’ve always been that way – a total teacher by nature. Slightly Type-A, with both feet planted firmly on the ground, saying, “Okay, how can I fix this? How can I change this? How can I control this?” I guess I picked the right career, at least. And of course, after a certain point, I can’t control it, and that drives me absolutely insane.

I wasn’t going to post today, actually. I have spent the last few hours in the Saturday morning dawn doing some “blog business” – that is, scouting the internet for new blogs. I used the blogroll on Stirrup-Queens site, found a few areas that might match me, and clicked away. Can I just tell you how many times I clicked on a link to a blog where the person was pregnant? Not only that, but at least 5 I clicked on were pregnant with twins? Or had just given birth to twins? These blogs were in the wrong section, obviously. But seriously. I think in two hours of searching I found one, maybe two blogs, that were in a similar place I am now, that were not pregnant. Is everyone getting pregnant right now?? Needless to say, I didn’t have much luck this morning.

You guys would know better than I would, anyway. So if you know of a great blog that you’d like to share, I would love to check it out!

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3 thoughts on “I’m not in a funk.

  1. K.Smitty says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated. Check out my blogroll for more blogs if you like! I clearly labeled which ones are currently pregnant (I was following them all before they were) and some that have just started the IVF process ans a bunch that are just frustrated like me. Hope it helps! 🙂

  2. Psycholovista says:

    I totally hear you. I am already someone who likes predictability and a sense of control; this process highlights how little control I have over the outcome and so then I go a little kooks over the little things that I do have control over (and get very upset when I lose those little kernels of control!). Hang in there!

  3. Jenna says:

    When I first started my blog, I felt the same way. I was frusterated to see so many people who had been successful when I had not. However, when I started finding people who were still struggling, it killed my morale. It did not help me to hear about someone who had seven failed IUI’s and a m/c. So….I would read old posts from people who were successful because they had walked in my shoes before. They WERE struggling with infertility at one point and were successful, which gave me hope. Hope is a precious thing when dealing with infertility. Hang in there! HUGS!!!!

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