Should I give up on this cycle?

Warning: What you’re about to read is a post I probably shouldn’t write, for a few reasons. 1) By giving in to these thoughts, I’m going to feel even worse. 2) I may feel better in a few hours, hopefully this won’t last all day. 3) Maybe a miracle will occur in the next few days and I’ll wish I never wrote it in the first place.

Oh well.

My egg isn’t coming out. I can’t sleep. I’m over-eating. Tears are being fought back. I’m so discouraged.

Let me explain. Today is CD 24. It’s supposed to be ovulation day. Last cycle, my first one on Clomid, it was. But that was after 2 days of positive OPK’s, on CD 22 and 23. I had pains on one side. I had a CD 21 blood test, where the nurse let me know ovulation was coming. This time, none of that happened. This time, I’m really frustrated.

I’m going to take a  little anger out on my nurse. Unlike other nurses who work for other doctors in that practice, she gave me no words of wisdom. Just called in my prescription. She turned me down for a CD 21 blood test. (Obviously, I know what the outcome of that would’ve been, but at least she could tell me a number to go a long with my guesses.) She has never monitored my little eggs via ultrasound, and I know a lot of people that get that done. I want that done.

But what I’m more frustrated about is my cycle. I don’t think I’m ovulating. And yes, it happens. I gave in to Google to feed my depression and found lots of people who didn’t ovulate on the second round (and were consequently moved up to the next dose). I have negative OPK’s still, and I’m using both the digital and the cheap kind, twice a day each, to be sure. Negative. I don’t have pains on one side, like I did last time. I don’t have the proper CM – there’s a lot of it, and hard to categorize, but I wouldn’t say that it’s exactly EWCM. And my temps – they let me down today. They had been exactly the same as last cycle, to the day, for the past week. I couldn’t believe how accurate it was with the last cycle. Until today. Today, it should’ve gone down a little, to 97.3, in order to jump tomorrow. Instead, it went up to 97.6. Yesterday it was 97.5. Not high enough for an ovulation jump, not low enough to be ovulation day. It’s not happening today. I don’t think it’s happening in the near future. And not that I mind giving it some practice with my husband, but we’ve been giving it our all this week. I thought this was the week. And I was ready for today, and tomorrow. That would be about one straight week, every single day. The pressure was off, we were doing everything right. And for nothing?

I can barely sleep. First of all, using Preseed is messy (we’ll leave it at that). An awesome, much needed product, but messy. So every single night this past week, I’ve been waking up a few times  to deal with that. When I wake up to take my thyroid meds at 5:00, I normally fall back to sleep quickly. This week? You know what’s on my brain as soon as the alarm goes off. Today, I tossed and turned until I got up at 6:45. From 5:00-6:45. I didn’t fall asleep until 11:00 (which is late for me). I can’t get a good night’s sleep, because I can’t stop thinking/worrying about this.

I have not had a good, long, actual cry about any of this infertility once. Not once. Until yesterday. And today. Up until this point, my issues felt too silly to be crying about. I’ll have my babies someday. Try not to be dramatic.

But as I KNEW would happen, I got my hopes up. Way up. It was the only way to keep a level head, waiting those three weeks after AF for ovulation. I swore I would make it happen this time, because I would control our end of things perfectly. And I did. Our timing would be perfect. But no.

And you know what? If I had ovulated, and had messed up the timing, I’d be upset about that, too. But here’s the real question: WHY is this happening to me in the first place?? Why am I going through this? The one thing in my life I have wanted and dreamed about more than any other is to be a mother. I do not understand why this is happening to me. And slightly more scary – I can’t get it out of my head that my auto-immune problems may be at work, here. I am not healthy. I appear to be, but I’m not. Because if I was healthy, then the only thing I would need to do is take my Synthroid every morning. But no. I have auto-immune hives. I’ve had to cut out regular sugar and wheat from my diet to avoid them. And even then they come around occasionally. I have tested positive for some other auto-immune issue, not thyroid related. I have to see a doctor about that, and I keep putting it off, because I’m afraid to hear what it is. What’s next? That I have rheumatoid arthritis at age 27, and this, plus the thyroid, plus the hives, explains why I can’t seem to ovulate like a normal person? Or are those issues separate, and when I’m finally pregnant someday, I’m going to be high-risk? What the hell!?

Clomid doesn’t seem to be working. No, I don’t want to keep trying it this way. Bring on the injections, the ultra sounds, the whatever. Just don’t have me spend tons of money on OPK’s and try my husband’s and my patience day after day, even when we’re tired, and it’s been a long day, but no, keep going, because ovulation is almost here. I seriously cannot keep going through that.

And now I can’t decide. Try again today? I have one thing, one little sign – some dull cramping. Not on a particular side. Just in general. Like the beginning of a period. But that’s it – my only sign. Is it worth it to try today, and tomorrow too? Or give up? Should I give up on this cycle?

I will definitely be calling my nurse on Monday morning.


13 thoughts on “Should I give up on this cycle?

  1. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    I know it is so hard, but don’t give up yet! Give it your all. Personally I would feel worse if I didn’t try. Try your hardest and you will call the Dr and get things worked out for your next cycle. Though I am still hoping you will not need a next. Hang in there honey. Hugz! Email me if you want.

  2. JustHeather @BattleFish says:

    Hang in there! I know this whole infertility stuff is totally unfair, especially when it is something we want so bad. There is no rhyme or reason to “why us”, it just is. I fully agree with Emily to keep going (so long as that is what you and your husband want). I know this is already feeling like forever, but you’re still early in this journey. I hope you get your BFP sooner rather than later, but if for some reason it takes a bit longer, there are so many women here for you, myself included.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you so much – you are very kind! We are going to keep trying, at least for now. You are right – it is still way early in this journey, and I don’t know how people out there do it. But I very much appreciate the support.

  3. Ess says:

    Oh dear sounds like we’re both having pretty rotten days. Maybe the cramping is a sign? I can only imagine how tired you are from all the anticipatory BDing. Agree on the pre-seed and the restless sleeps. Let us know how the call with the nurse goes. It’s hard not to be dramatic sometimes… I’m certainly guilty of it.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Yes, we are! I’m sorry about AF for you, as well. Who knows about the stupid cramping. And you’re right – I feel very dramatic, which I don’t like to be, but sometimes I just feel that way and need to let it out! I will definitely keep you all updated on the nurse’s call, and I appreciate the support!!

  4. katery says:

    i know how you feel, i’ve been there, i was lucky enough to get pregnant after two years of trying but i remember all to well the disappointment of yet another failed cycle.

  5. Psycholovista says:

    It’s so difficult when things do not go as planned even within the little that we think we have control over!!! I also feel empathic anger for you because it does sound like your nurse (and therefore doctor) has not been giving you the support, care, and information that would be really nice during this difficult time. It’s the least they could do!! I’m glad you are calling them on Monday – you deserve some care and clarity from your health care providers!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you! I agree. I wonder if it’s because they are so busy with patients who require more from them, like IVF patients. But still, she should at least grant me a blood test. I will let you all know what happens when I call! Thanks for the support!

  6. Sheree Winans says:

    Stay strong…I know you have it in you! Give yourself permission to cry. It’s a hard time when a lifelong dream is being messed around with. Try to stay positive.

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