Okay, yesterday completely sucked. Like, really bad.
First, after my morning post, I wallowed in self-pity. I went to the gym, continued to sulk. Stopped at my mother’s, continued to sulk. Came home, cried in the shower. I mean, it was very unlike me. Other than yesterday and the day before, I do not remember the last time I had a cry like that. It’s been months, at least. Of course, the fact that my husband showered before me and used all the hot water, leaving me to ponder my infertile fate while freezing cold, didn’t help.
Then I ate lunch and felt a little better (hello, low blood sugar).
The afternoon was not horrible. We went grocery shopping, walked the dogs, nothing major. I felt better. Then, we went to my husband’s aunt’s house to celebrate the 21st and 18th birthdays of two of his cousins. Let me tell you a story about that.
I have read numerous posts by many of you, describing a situation that involved babies/pregnant people that you desperately wanted to get out of, and couldn’t. As in, you were trapped. While I always felt bad for you when I read your posts, I could never relate. Until last night. And now I totally understand.
There was a baby there. I knew she would be there, but I hadn’t given it too much thought. Leading up to this party, I was mostly thinking about how I couldn’t eat the pizza, cake, or ice cream, and was pondering how much my life really does suck when I’m forced to find some frozen gluten-free thing at the grocery store and show up with it at someone’s party. And to skip dessert – my old favorite thing.
Now, this baby. She’s the child of a 19-year old. The baby is a year old, so she had her when she was 18. The father is not around. This baby has been “raised” by this 19-year old and basically all of her friends, including my DH’s cousin. I haven’t particularly cared about this since watching teenagers with their own baby doesn’t make me jealous, just angry. Then I watched this baby melt the hearts of all my in-laws. It was seriously heartbreaking. I don’t know why, but watching my MIL hold and coo at this baby made me nauseous and upset. My DH’s aunt, whom I like a lot, was holding and singing to her. Even my DH was playing with her. She was the life of this party. As I sipped my water (I’m not drinking until there’s a baby in my arms, damnit) I thought about how the baby in my MIL’s arms should be mine. I don’t care if it goes another few months, but my DH is the oldest cousin (by a few years) and we need to have the first grandchild. I’m not concerned about my cousins yet, but you never know. So that sucked. This baby – I completely ignored her. At one point – causing utmost stress – she waddled over to me, arms outstretched. She wanted me to pick her up. Really?! I have always loved babies, loved picking them up, etc. Not last night – not with the baby everyone was cooing over. Not happening. Luckily, she turned away at the last minute, realizing she had no idea who I was, and turned toward someone nearby. Phew.
It gets better. A few hours into the party, and a couple shows up. I’ve seen them before, friends of another one of DH’s cousins. They are 21. “Mama!” my in-laws called her. “Congratulations!” Oh myyy goodness. Yes, she was pregnant. They aren’t engaged or anything, I know the father is still in college. She was four months along. As I listened to my in-laws ask how she was feeling and her describe her pregnant self, I seriously thought I was going to throw up right there on the table.
Of all days, the one day where I don’t ovulate and I’m supposed to, when Clomid doesn’t do it’s job and I’ve been waiting 24 days for this, a cute baby and a pregnant teenager are NOT what I need. I was trapped. Totally trapped. I kept thinking about how I couldn’t wait to tell you all this story! I know so many of you can relate.
To top it off, completely unrelated to babies, at the party I got a text from my father’s GF. My father had gallbladder surgery Friday. I had been told it went well. Then last night, this text says that it turns out his gallbladder was gangrenous, causing him to not wake up from the anesthesia right away. Well a whole entire day went by, and he had still not woken up. He is currently in the icu, and the GF is going to text me this morning and let me know what’s going on. I’m trying not to be overly concerned, but when toxins might have spread throughout your body and you’re not waking up from anesthesia two days later, that worries me. I was pretty upset last night. Luckily, I didn’t hear from her overnight, so I’m taking no news as good news.
The DH and I are supposed to be having a date night, which I’m very much looking forward to. Hopefully, my father does okay and I don’t need to be making a hospital trip today. It’s a new day – no tears today. But I still don’t have a smiley face, on CD 25. And as a few of you said – we are going to keep trying. What the heck. Until the nurse tells me it’s not happening and we’re starting over, I guess we’ll keep on keepin’ on.