6 DPO; “heal”, “soft”, “love”.

I’ve been playing with fire. I’ve been pushing the limits. I’ve been….Googling every little “symptom” I may or may not have. Why? Why would I put myself through this? It’s torture!

It’s torture because I have a few “symptoms” and I didn’t even notice that I’ve been walking around, internally strutting my stuff because in my mind, I’m pregnant.

It’s very dangerous, and I know that. Some days I swear it has to be true, other days (like today) I wake up and think, “What are you doing?” Can’t I focus on something else for two weeks?

Those of you who have been down this road many times before know how foolish I’ve been, and I agree. I had so many months of not ovulating at all. This is only my second time dropping an egg. So yeah, my hopes go way, way up. Especially when I got the timing down very well. The more times I ovulate, I imagine the less I will get my hopes up. I’m trying not to do that, but it is proving impossible.

There’s no going back. I’ve already caused possible future damage, imagining when I will be telling family (Easter is coming up..) and which coworker friends are going to know soon, and even daydreaming of that 8-week ultrasound, to see a healthy little bean. This is all very stupid of me. Very, very stupid.

I’m not even going to mention my little symptoms, because that would give them more credit than I’m sure they deserve. They come and go, anyway. Talk to me in a week, though, and maybe I’ll be singing a different tune. Until then – back to the photo challenge!

I’m a few days behind. Behold, “heal”.

For me, “healing” comes in the form of two specific places; Maine (first picture), and Cape Cod. For those who don’t know this about me, I’m a total sap. Not like a “cry at the movies” kind of sap – but a nature sap. Being certain places in nature makes me listen extra hard for the quiet, peaceful, calmness that in turn makes me feel quiet, peaceful, and calm. I love the smells, the breeze, etc. Whenever I can find myself in a place like this I imagine an internal new-age song playing in my head. In college, being homesick, I frequently imagined walking through an open field with N, taking in the side of a white picket fence and strolling hand in hand. I mean, this nature sap thing runs deep. These particular places are two of my favorites. I try to go to to both at least once a year. My grandfather lives in Maine, and the top picture is off his dock, looking at the lake. At his house, the world is perfectly silent, except for an occasional loon, and we play cards and read until we fall fast asleep with full bellies. It’s my idea of perfection, basically.

The Cape holds many memories, as I went there on vacation every year as a child and teenager. I look forward to having enough money in a few summers to rent my own cottage there for a week, hopefully with children digging in the sand beside me.

Having the opportunity to be in places like this keep me recharged. Whatever might be going on is promptly healed after spending a few days in a place like these. Right now, I’m in need of a recharge. Unfortunately, I won’t be going back to Maine until at least May, and Cape Cod, probably the summer.

Now, onto “soft”. I have a very soft blanket I thought I could mention, but I’d rather take this as an excuse to show off soft, by way of furry.

These puppies of mine are very soft. Sadie’s head is especially soft, but her back isn’t, because she has a few layers of fur. The top layer is a little coarse. Riley’s whole body is soft, as she only has one thin layer of fur. Riley’s picture is not recent, as you can see all the grass behind her. And you can clearly notice the quality! Top picture – iphone. Bottom picture – good camera. Oh well. You get the idea.

Finally, “love”. So many options here, but I’ve decided to go with this one:

My wedding day was one of the best days of my life. Seriously, it was perfect. There’s that nature piece again. I knew I wanted to experience those nature-provided feelings on my wedding day, and it was beautiful. We’ve been married two and a half years, and this trying-for-a-baby thing wouldn’t have even happened had we not fell in love and gotten married. Before children, there will always be the two of us.


13 thoughts on “6 DPO; “heal”, “soft”, “love”.

  1. alleycatm says:

    Love your wedding picture, it shows so much!!! And the doggies, I WANT ONE TWO PLEASE …..

    Good luck with the rest of the 2ww, the harder we fight with ourselves the more we daydream of what if I am pregnant … I still did it yesterday after being told that I cannot have my own kids … there are no hope for us girls in this part of 2ww.

    Thinking of you and I am hoping and praying that you are!!

  2. Hope says:

    I hear you on how hard it is not to believe you are pregnant. I do it, too. Good luck with the rest of your TWW. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    I *love* your wedding photo. It just looks completely idyllic. 🙂

  3. K.Smitty says:

    These pictures are great! I have been to neither Maine nor Cape Cod but these photos definitely make me want to. I think I know what you mean about being a sap for pretty things in nature. I, too, can get lost in that kind of beauty. And your pictures of your pups and wedding are also awesome 🙂

  4. Sheree Winans says:

    Consider your thoughts positive wishes for your future. You are being hopeful and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s better than being a “Negative Nelly”!

  5. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    I love Cape Cod. I haven’t been there in maybe 15 years though. Your pictures are beautiful! Your wedding photo is absolutely gorgeous!

    I know thinking you are pregnant is probably not the best idea, but daydreaming is sometimes just what you need to get yourself through these tough times. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you! I’m always hard on myself, so it doesn’t surprise me to hear you say this. You’re right, it’s basically impossible not to think this way. It’s just going to be such a let down if it doesn’t work. Oh well.

  6. operationjaguar says:

    Seriously, you could be me right now. We are virtually identical. Second time of o-ing after many, many moons – thanks to Clomid. And symptom spotting like mad at 8dpo. Ridiculous!

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