My Dearest Wish

I feel as if I’m in good enough form today to present myself to the world via blog.

I know and understand that everyone has down moments, and there are times that they are completely justified. I know my being upset with getting AF, after being so completely sure I was pregnant, might be justifiable to you readers, and for a few days, I was okay with it, too. Now, though, I want nothing more than to be the exact opposite of that needy, whiny, “woe is me” kind of person, because I don’t like to be that person. For the record, whenever anyone else feels this way, I think it’s perfectly acceptable. But I judge myself the hardest, and I don’t like to be in that kind of a state.

I grew up with one very optimistic parent, and one generally pessimistic parent. I have always wanted to be optimistic about everything in life. And in many ways, I am. I set goals for myself and I reach them, and when I do, I tell myself it’s because I kept my head in the game and stayed positive. TTC, however, is a different story.

Unfortunately, being positive doesn’t always come naturally. I’m the very first one to be positive about someone else. I have no problem with that. I find, though, that I tend to think negatively after a period of frustration. I guess most people do. But I’ve always wished thinking positively came more naturally than it does. I have to work at talking to myself in a positive way. So in the last few days, I’ve had to put some effort into telling myself to cut the crap, suck it up, and think positively. It did not come naturally. Finally, though, after forcing the thoughts for a day or two, they are here to stay. (At least until ovulation…)

So I didn’t get pregnant. There’s always this cycle.

We had an impromptu Chinese food lunch at school today. This was my fortune:

I am not a spiritual person, and I tend to roll my eyes at any saying with the word “fate”. That said, I certainly didn’t mind getting this fortune. As I walked back to my classroom after lunch and started thinking about how many fortune cookies probably say this same exact thing, because they know that basically everyone has a wish, and this would be a common thing to put in a cookie to get people’s hopes up for nothing (and to continue buying their food)….I attempted to remind myself to stop being cynical and just..keep the damn fortune and shut up. So I did just that, and if I get pregnant soon, I will, in no way shape or form, chalk it up to this fortune cookie and instead attribute my good luck to science, but I will remember that this fortune brought nice thoughts today, and I’ll take that, for sure.

So that’s that. Now, I have a question for you.

I don’t believe I’ve mentioned this before. With my high level of antibodies running around in my body doing a paranoid sprint, I develop hives from certain triggers. Mostly sugar, as you know. Gluten isn’t very good friends with my stomach, either. However, I can have sugar in the morning, but not night. I can’t have it alone. I can have an apple with lunch, but if I have it on an empty stomach..game over.Yesterday I had my yogurt (with 20 grams of sugar) at 2:00, by itself (like I do every day!), and within an hour I had a lip hive. It grew to full lip size and even put a nice lump in my throat all the way until about 9:00 this morning. Everything is so..random. It’s practically impossible to control.

I have had occasional hives in places that shall remain nameless, after a night in bed with N. I’m not going to be graphic. Let’s just put it this way. When my hives on the rest of me are especially bad, or could be if I ate the wrong trigger foods, I will have swelling and burning in the nether regions. It has been like that for years, but it’s sporadic. Sometimes I’m good to go, sometimes I feel like I’m going to throw up and I can barely walk. Mostly, though, it’s somewhere in the middle, with slight swelling, and possibly slight burning. The past couple cycles haven’t seemed to be a problem.

I told my RE about this when I first met him months ago, and he said, “Well, we will watch it, and we might jump right to IUI’s to bypass that problem.”

I remembered that, but started off on my Clomid journey, naturally. This past failed cycle, with perfect timing and all that…I realize it’s probably just…luck. The percentages of actually conceiving are never that high. However…what if it’s something else? What if, when the swelling and burning occurs, that’s my autoimmune system rejecting sperm? What if it never travels to its destination?

So I left a message with my nurse today, asking for a blood test.

She responded, saying that it is very rare to have an actual sperm allergy, and since this doesn’t happen to me every time, it’s probably not that. It is probably a sensitivity issue (just like with everything else in my system) to the proteins that travel, not the actual sperm. She said there really is no blood test to see that sensitivity.

I have four more cycles of Clomid to go,  naturally, before they try a few with an IUI. The nurse finished her message by saying that at any time if I am worried about this possibly being a cause of not being able to conceive, they can go right to IUI and skip the rest of the natural Clomid cycles.

So, I was basically offered IUI. Now. Or whenever I want. For me, though, this is a big step. It means technology is stepping in, and sex would not be the way to conceive our child. Am I ready for that? I have only had two natural cycles. That’s it. Swelling and burning was at an all-time low, but with the way my body has been acting the last few weeks, who knows.

N says it’s up to me, of course, and doesn’t really have much input. I wasn’t prepared to switch over yet, mentally, and I don’t want to go there, because if IUI fails, it’s one step closer to IVF, which is something I was hoping to avoid. Skipping four cycles of Clomid and going right to IUI means…IVF would be next, which is scary. No more natural cycles.

I really do not know what I should do in the slightest. Anyone who has had an IUI, what was the experience like? I’ll happily take your input – what do you think?

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30 thoughts on “My Dearest Wish

  1. Ess says:

    I’m not a spiritual gal either but I’m all over fortunes/horoscopes if they swing in my favour. This one is a keeper! I’m not sure what I’d do if I were offered the IUI option at the moment. I feel like I might hold out a wee bit longer. The hives sound absolutely unbearable though. Tough call… interested to see what those with IUI experience will have to say.

  2. Psycholovista says:

    I’m sorry that this last cycle was a rough one for you. That hope is quite the devil in this land of TTC. I am on my 4th and last round of IUI….just had a 3-hour meeting with my fertility clinic about donor egg options, IVF, etc. I feel as though a heavy cloud has descended upon us. So, the IUI cycles were fine for us; in fact, it’s nice to have it so controlled and timed. Takes the guessing out of almost everything. The natural part to all of it is that they always encouraged me to have “lots of sex” that night and even the next day so in my mind, if we actually got pregnant using IUI, you never know if it was natural or not 🙂 As I’m nearing the reality that we will likely not be able to use my eggs, I would have jumped for joy at getting pregnant using our own egg/sperm, regardless of how or what is facilitating their meeting. I hope this next cycle will be a kinder one for you!!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      I appreciate your comment, and it reminds me that we all are suffering from something. I am grateful that I can use my eggs, and I should think of that more often! Who cares how it happens, as long as it happens? Good point. I’m almost ready, I think.

  3. TheStorkWhisperer says:

    The actual IUI procedure is not bad at all. You can do an IUI with Clomid or an IUI with Clomid plus injectables (which is more costly). I think for me the worse part was anticipating it and having to rearrange my schedule a bit for ultrasounds and doctor visits. I didn’t know what to expect but the actual procedure probably took less than 10 minutes and wasn’t very painful. I moved onto IUI after doing numerous cycles with Femara for annovulation. I have had two done since December.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you for the information! I am also concerned with the rearranging of my schedule. As a teacher, I can’t really change the hours. I just don’t want to use all of my personal days yet! When you were on Femara, did you respond to it at all?

  4. storkchaser says:

    I actually teared up when I saw the picture of your fortune cookie! =)

    Now to the IUI: When you’re ready, I feel like you’ll know. Honestly, knowing what I know now, I wish I had the opportunity to go that route and skip the 4 cycles of Clomid I went. 😉 If we don’t get pregnant this cycle, it looks like IUI is our next step and I’m actually very excited! Sex will be just that. We won’t have to time it and work at getting in the mood…and the best part…the good swimmers are given a head start! We had a tough time doing the “timed” BD so I would give anything to go back to love making whenever the mood strikes and going to SLEEP whenever I want to. But that’s me. Stick with the natural Clomid cycles until you are READY. =)

    Good luck!!!!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you very much. As this is my fourth time on Clomid (though I’ve only ovulated twice so far) I wonder if I have been wasting time. But it doesn’t matter I guess, because we’re here now. I am almost ready, I think. But I’ve made this mental decision to go natural one more time, and now I can’t change my mind! Thanks for the comment – I checked out your blog and signed up! Good luck to you!

  5. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    The actual IUI is nothing. So quick and all you feel is a speculum. It does get rid of the guessing because you are monitored so much. They do tell you to “back it up” with sex too. Hoping this cycle works and you never have to go any further!

  6. krista says:

    Have you ever heard of food combining? The trainer I do classes with was just handing out info on it. She and a lot of people that go to her have allergies or autoimmune type stomach problems. I don’t fully understand it, so I’m not sure if it would be helpful for your particular food issues??

  7. Infertile First Mom says:

    That’s a tough decision. I completely get your hesitation to move quickly to the next step, as every next step is one step closer to IVF, which is often seen as “the end” of the road in terms of achieving pregnancy. It’s a scary place, but you are a long way from there! IUI was not bad at all… And everyone that commented above me is right, you never know, your BFP could still have happened naturally! I hope you get there with a natural cycle and never even have to make these decisions!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you! I have to start thinking differently about all of these procedures I guess, and I suppose I haven’t fully accepted how I have come into this predicament in the first place. We will see what happens!

  8. ozifrog says:

    Maybe this is about how you frame it. When we had trouble conceiving , it helped a lot when the counsellor said to me “you don’t have to do ivf. You could conceive naturally . But you’re going to take longer to conceive because of your fertility issues as a couple. so you are being proactive and CHOOSING to speed nature up.’ This felt a lot different than thinking of it as “treatment of last resort”. I didn’t gave iui, but even ivf is not such a huge deal. Choose the best choice for you. Getting more assistance is not a ‘failure’, it’s just getting you to where you want to go, quicker.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you for that. I agree, and I suppose I’m still angry about being in this situation in the first place. I need to move out of that, and into choosing the right path. I want to have a child, so I will do whatever is needed! I love your outlook!

  9. Trisha says:

    We are always our own worse critic, what you are feeling about a failed cycle is completely normal. We all have the right to grieve during this process. I hope your fortune comes true, I still try to believe that good things come to good people.

    ICLW #61

  10. Sunny says:

    Aw, crud. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this…I have not done Clomid yet, but will most likely do so in May. The great news is that you’re responding to it. Many women don’t get that far! So there’s a positive nugget to tuck under your hat. Whether or not to go straight for the IUI is a good question, especially if you are having the reaction in Nether Netherland that you say you are. They are expensive. I am not 100% sure about your hives-like symptoms, but I find it very interesting that they are triggered by sugar. I am very sensitive to sugar and yeast infections (PCOS-ers are prone to yeast). Whenever I have a yeast infection, I experience the exact same reaction (immediate swelling, burning, extreme pain) to Hubs as you have mentioned with N. The yeast infections I get are not your “classic” infections w/ lots of discharge, but rather, the Ph balance in my Nethers becomes very very acidic and reacts poorly to the semen. The problem clears right up with Diflucan. Before you go the route of IUI, I would look into this–just to see if it might be an issue for you. It sounds like you may have a bit of candida in your system due to your intolerance to sugar and gluten. I’m not a medical doctor, and this is in no way meant to be a diagnosis, but it might be good to check this out before more drastic measures! Thinking of you, and reading right along!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Wow – I so appreciate this comment on multiple levels. You are a fantastic writer, by the way. I’m so glad you mentioned the yeast infections because the last time I went to the gyno, she discovered I had a yeast infection, but I had none of the usual symptoms! I do remember the burning going away though, after treatment! It didn’t last long though – I think this is recurring, which I suppose would explain why sometimes it burns and sometimes it doesn’t. Do this happen to you often? How do you control it? I am definitely going to bring this up on Thursday. Thank you very much!

      • Sunny says:

        Thanks for the compliment! I’m so glad that I can help out. I strongly believe you may have a yeast infection, especially since the burning symptoms go away with treatment. I have found that Diflucan has worked the best at keeping my symptoms at bay. If you keep getting these infections frequently, you very well may have recurring candida proliferation. This can be controlled very well through diet as well as some natural remedies that I have used that work for me. There are many many books on the subject of candida–One I’ve read (I believe is called the Candida Diet) has great tips. In college, when I was getting yeast infections very frequently, I douched once a day for about a week with a diluted mixture of water and iodine, and didn’t get another one for years. I am also very diligent about taking a very high potency probiotic daily. This gives you lots of good bacteria in your digestive tract to combat the yeast. It is good to stay away from bread, beer, and anything else that is “yeasty”. The other thing to do is to make sure that your body is ALKALINE–us yeasters have a tendency to be acidic–and this acid environment helps the yeast grow. An acidic environment also contributes to cysts. Lemons are great for alkalizing the body (I know they seem acidic, but they are really alkaline)–lemon juice in warm water every morning will be good for you. There are also stabilized oxygen drops that are good for alkalizing your body. I use about 8 drops in water twice a day: http://www.naturalhomeremedies.com/Aerobic-Life/products/49/

        Using all of these products, I usually get 1-2 yeast infections a year, instead of 5-6 like I was usually getting. My energy levels feel much better as well. I don’t love taking Diflucan, but I have had my doc put in an extended prescription for me so that I can take it as soon as I feel the burning after sex (this is how I know that I have another yeast infection).

        So glad I could help!!

  11. amy says:

    We are in the middle of our first IUI cycle and it took us a VERY long time to get here because we just couldn’t bring ourselves to take that last step. Now we are glad we did. Just go with what feels right!

  12. A Sweet Life says:

    Hi Megan – I just stumbled upon your blog. I am sorry to hear that this past cycle was not successful. I understand how when you said you get mad for letting yourself think you actually might be pregnant. I think this happens to me every single month. I go in saying – im not going to get all worked up. But there is always something that points me back to thinking I might be pregnant. And I also over analyze my charts constantly. So what I have done – I try to not temp all that consistently. This way, I am not so focused on that. It is hard not to temp when you near the end of your cycle – that is my downfall.

    But now that I am followed by a RE – I try to let him do all the worrying for me. 😉

    This cycle for me is almost already a no go – we had to abandon it because I had too many follicles (we only BDd 4 days before ovulation). But finding the positive in everything is key – I have responded extremely well to the Clomid, despite having to abandon the cycle.

    Good luck – I hope this next cycle is the one for you.

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you very much! I know that my RE doesn’t follow me too much, not as others do. He really has me on my own out here, with the Clomid. I don’t have ultrasounds, so who knows how many follicles I release! Very interesting. I’m sorry you might have to skip this cycle – that really sucks! Have you ever not ovulated on Clomid, or has it always been successful for you, and the timing isn’t right? I have ovulated twice on Clomid, and did not ovulate on it once as well. I’m up to 100 mg. Anyway, I checked out your blog and signed up! Thanks for the comment!

      • A Sweet Life says:

        Hey! I dont get too much info from my RE either – I get more info from the nurses!!! This is my first time on Clomid – he put me on it mainly for a weak ovulation, and just infertility. We don’t know if the spotting is what is causing the infertility or not – but if it is caused by a weak ovulation, then the clomid should help. I am moving on to a very small dose next cycle if this one is unsuccessful. So far no spotting, and I usually start spotting 1-3 days after ovulation – so we shall see. I see the “future soccer mom” – do you play or did you play? I love soccer – I had to stop about a year ago due to 2 bad knees (both need surgery in the future, yuck!)

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