My 100th post.

It’s kind of crazy to me, but yes, this is my 100th post. Sadly enough, I’m practically right where I was in July. There have been changes, sure. Since July (when I thought I knew everything there was to know about ovulation…except what to do when you don’t ovulate at all! Ha) I’ve gone a whole summer in limbo because my TSH was too high, I’ve met with an RE who acknowledged the fact that I don’t ovulate on my own, I’ve been on four rounds of Clomid (one in which I didn’t ovulate), and I’m about to start my first IUI. Still no baby – not even close. Through it all, virtually everyone around me has gotten pregnant, which has never happened in my life before. Apparently the baby boom hits all at once. One day, no one I knew was pregnant…now, literally everyone.

I’m marking my 100th post with a whole lotta nothin’ but some long-winded rambling. It’s been a quiet few days since my crazy appointment. Here’s what’s been on my brain.

1) I haven’t ovulated yet. For the record, I am doing an excellent job this cycle of not thinking much about this cycle. Like, an unheard-of good job. I never google, if I remember to check Fertility Friend it’s a miracle, and the majority of the day, the specifics of my cycle are not on my mind. This is a first, for me. The reason is because of all the other things on this list that are soaking up my brain cells right now. That said, it’s not as if I don’t think about my cycle at all. I do. Today is CD 17, and I have not ovulated yet. Apparently, not even close. And yes, I’m worried. I know it’s still early, but I have been working off a pattern of ovulating every other Clomid round. Right now, I’m on the “other”. It makes no sense, why I would ovulate every other time, but yet, so far, that’s what’s happened. I don’t have ovulation pains, either, like I think I did last time right about now. Last time, I ovulated on CD 18. The time before that, CD 24.

I am going in for the IUI, and that’s the other reason why I’m a bit nervous about this ovulation. Once I finally made the decision to go IUI – now I’m just excited for it. It can’t possibly hurt my chances, only help. We will still be timing our BDing around my OPK’s smiley face, so I’m anxious about that, too. I want N’s sperm count to be a high one when we go in for the IUI, which means to keep to the every-other-day type of thing. Problem is, I have no idea when ovulation is coming, and so…the timing is difficult, let’s put it that way. However, unlike last time, where we were at it on a daily basis for almost a week to cover our timing, this time I’m less stressed about it. We have the IUI. Any other times are just icing on the cake.

2) My hives and my thyroid are, as you know, out of control. But I’m making progress. Whenever my hives are really bad, my TSH goes up – that’s been a pattern the last few years. I don’t know which one causes which, but either way, it’s all autoimmune related. I went and got my blood done for my TSH last week. In retrospect, this probably wasn’t the best idea for my mental health. If it’s too high, I’m going to be told this cycle is cancelled, and subsequent cycles after that until it’s back down – and while I logically understand why that’s important, I’d be devastated. I want this IUI, now!!

Tied to my hives is my newfangled “diet”..which leads me to #3.

3) After much consideration, I’ve decided to attempt to alleviate my hives by going on a crazy diet. N is in with me, because he’s training for an Ironman and wants to lose weight. We are going to follow a sort of “Paleo Diet”, with a few exceptions. First of all, if you don’t know, the Paleo Diet basically allows you to eat anything that a caveman would’ve been able to. Some people go crazy with like, raw foods, but we’re not doing that. We can eat all vegetables, fruits, meat, fish, and even an occasional sweet potato. One of the reasons I picked this diet is because I need to eliminate a lot of foods from what I eat on a regular basis; that much has already been established. Instead of telling myself I can’t eat this food or that food, I am coming at it from another angle. That is, these are the foods I can eat, and we’ll see how my hives fare.

I already went gluten-free and low-sugar (mostly sugar-free). However, in addition to all that, I’m going to take away all corn products and go light on fruit, because of the sugar.

Now, here’s the thing. I’m having commitment issues, already. For whatever reason, even though I’m a people-pleaser and a go-getter and whatnot, I do things half-assed. Frequently. When I was younger, and I had to clean or do some chore, my mother would have to check to see how thoroughly I did it when I was done, and many times, I half-assed it. This happens still today – N had to check to see how well I vacuumed the other day. This is comical to me – I hate vacuuming! The same principle applies to my food health. How many times since I started this blog have I “committed” to healthy eating, only to blow it within a week?? At least twice that I can think of.

It’s not like I gorge on donuts and Burger King, though I’d like to. I’ve never eaten that way. The issue is that I have to take more steps to be healthy than most people, and since I’m still pissed off about it, I can’t commit. I want to commit, but I can’t.

Since I started my food log last week, I have already noticed a major decrease in hives. Besides the daily body hives I wake up to, I got hives after eating:

-Tostitos chips

-Peanut butter and banana

-Low-sugar ice cream

-Too many GF and SF carb products in one day

-Too much fruit

Not since starting this food log have I gotten hives from veggies, meats, or non-sugared dairy products, like cheese. This led me to conclude that the Paleo Diet might be a good choice for me. N’s up for it, so all should be well.

But it’s not. First of all, I really don’t know that I want to give up dairy. I don’t drink milk anyway. The only dairy I consume (or used to, at least) is cheese, a daily yogurt, and ice cream, which was my favorite food hands down. Now, I only eat cheese and yogurt. And the yogurt will be no longer, because it’s full of sugar. Even plain Greek yogurt (eew, sour) with two truvia packets in it still has 8 grams of regular sugar. Not vanilla, plain. It’s insane. Yes, I’ve been sitting at my desk after school, pathetically pouring truvia into my yogurt. And no, I’m not making my own yogurt. But small amounts of cheese don’t seem to bother me. I have a daily cheese stick, cheese in my eggs, cheese in my salad….I don’t know. I know cavemen weren’t consuming cheese, but…I think it’s okay. The other food product I’m on the fence about is rice. As it is, I can no longer have pasta, potatoes, white rice, bread, etc. But quinoa and brown rice – I thought those foods would be okay! Well, not to a caveman. Plus, there are numerous studies that claim we humans really weren’t meant to eat processed carbs. Some people feel fine on them, but others don’t.  I seem to feel okay on a small amount of brown rice – and keeping that product around gives me more food choices and when I’m craving carbs, I can have that. I don’t feel too guilty about rice and cheese – those would be my only exceptions to the Paleo Diet.

Even after all of that promising talk, however, I can’t bring myself to fully do it. I do it, meal by meal, if it’s convenient for me. What a lazy ass! Seriously, it’s pathetic. Yesterday, it was convenient for me so I had lots of veggies and protein. Today, I went out to lunch, and had a chicken salad…and some chips. Corn chips. Corn. Why? I feel fine, though. Ask me again in four hours. It’s too hard!

Now there are a lot of you who came out of the woodwork, talking about your specialty diets. They are all a little different but they are all healthy, and they all require commitment. A few have even completed cleansed yourself of those bad foods. Here’s the thing….

…I’m going away, for two nights, in two weeks. Oh, and we also have a wedding to attend that same week. We’re going away to a place where I can relax, read a good book, drink wine water, and eat gluten-free, sugar-free foods. Not gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, corn-free, carb-free. I’m on vacation! Vacations are suppose to be relaxing and fun! Not pathetically depressing!

So I’ve already had the thought, well maybe I can wait until May to do this Paleo thing head-on. I mean I’ll do it now, conveniently. But for real, in May. No – I’m sure I’ll come up with an excuse then! I’m incapable of committing to this. What will I do when I visit my grandfather, who’s wife cooks deliciously rich foods? What about Easter? What about…weekly dinners with my father, who always brings dessert? How do I explain to people who eat “normally”, that I can’t eat virtually anything they make? People don’t understand, they judge, they..tempt me. You can see how much I suck at this. It’s a real problem. I’d love some advice from those of you who have managed this successfully.

4) I finished The Hunger Games series. They were all excellent, though I found myself more interested in the love story than the rest of the plot. I did see the first movie, and I want to see it again. I’ve formed a sort of virtual attachment to Peeta, both in the book and on the big screen, which is pathetic, because he  is only 19. God. When did I get old? I’m 27, so I know that’s not really old, but I feel 20. 20 and married, with a job and two dogs. But 20. I look 20, as well. If I’m going to have a celebrity crush, it should really be on someone my age or older, but I find myself drawn to people in their lower 20’s. I think, without children, I don’t feel any older than 20, and we don’t exactly act older than 20, either. Maybe that will all change when I am a mother. So what can I say? I like Peeta, played by 19-year old Josh Hutcherson. I’m a total creeper. For the record, my other celebrity crush is a few years older than me, Henry Cavill, Jonathan Rhys Meyer’s right hand man on The Tudors. But he also has a very young face. N has his own celebrity crushes, so maybe we both live in a dream world. I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who celebrity crushes on someone younger than they are? Anyone?

5) And finally, I want to write a book. I have always wanted to write, and when I was in seventh grade, I spent a whole summer filling notebooks with a book I started and never finished. I think I told you about that once, where myself and N and all our friends all lived in the same neighborhood and all dated each other and then I got cancer, had a baby with N so he could remember me, and died. But seriously, one little dream of mine has always been to write and publish a book. I’m good at the realistic fiction thing, too. Problem is – I can’t wrap my mind around a good enough plot that would sell! Nowadays, books need to have some type of twist. I started with a little outline over the weekend, but it doesn’t have that twist. I’m back to square one.

All of these things I’ve mentioned are on my brain most hours of the day. I’m overloading myself, as usual. It would be nice if I could go a few days without actually thinking anything. But that’s impossible.

Pat yourself on the back for having made it to the end of this post without falling asleep or giving up. It sure was a ramble. Hopefully, 100 posts from now, I won’t have to ramble on and on because I’ll have something truly wonderful to talk about..the miracle of a pregnancy. Here’s hoping.

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20 thoughts on “My 100th post.

  1. krista says:

    So I know you said bread is out of the diet, but what if you made it yourself? My mom mills her own wheat and makes her own, so I think its more natural that way. It obviously requires some work and committment, but its really good.

  2. Infertile First Mom says:

    Happy 100th post! Everyone deserves a good rambling post now and then! I admire the strength you have to stick to the diet you have been on… Don’t beat yourself up over not having iron will power! I’ve always believed that a diet that does not allow for the occasional indulgence is doomed from the start. But I am not restricted the way you are for health reasons. I feel for you though! At least everything else on your list is keeping your mind occupied and not obsessing too much on your cycle!
    I like Peeta too (in an, awwww he’s adorable sort of way) and I’m several years older than
    you:)

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Haha, I’m glad I’m not the only one! And I agree – you have to splurge once in a while, and Paleo is so strict that when I do splurge it still won’t be bad – maybe some rice! I haven’t officially gone completely Paleo but it’s about to start. Hopefully I’ll see some results! Thank you!

  3. ozifrog says:

    Have you tried acupuncture and Chinese herbs??? They really do work wonders .

    Re the paleo diet, remember that you’re not trying to get a paleo diet trophy, you’re trying to find out what works for you. There’s been a little thing called evolution since then, and I reckon you’ll figure out which bits of that will work for you.

    Congrats on your 100! Well done you!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you, thank you! I mentioned your comment to my husband, as he’s going Paleo too. No need for the Paleo trophy! He laughed, because we know you are right! It’s okay to splurge once in a while, and I’m sure we will be doing that. He’s going to have a hard enough time giving up beer! As for acupuncture and Chinese herbs – I have not tried acupuncture…and I keep hearing about it. The idea of it used to creep me out a bit but I have a feeling I’ll give it a try in the coming months if I see no improvement in my health. Chinese herbs – I don’t know a thing about them! What are they, and what do they do? Thank you for the suggestions!

      • ozifrog says:

        I think it depends who you see. Its a different way of looking at health, thinking about energy channels in the body.. My practitioner, who I trust immensely, said I had “low kidney energy” and put me on herbs, and later my husband . He is terrified of needles, and copes completely fine. The herbs shortened my fairly long cycle, and I just FELT different after a month on them. You drink them as a kind of nasty tea, quick and painless. Like anything, be careful with them whilst on fertility treatment, but honestly, acupuncture makes a huge difference too. I had sessions before and after egg collection and before and after embryo transfer during IVF, and she could tell the 2nd cycle was more likely to work. There’s new research being done into whether it improves success rates, and look if all it does is make you feel less stressed, surely that’s an indirect help anyway? Sometimes the fertility doctors will recommend a chinese health practitioner – it is that mainstream now. It is something that seems to “fill in the gaps” when conventional medicine falls short, and it gave me a lot of support and confidence in the process somehow.

  4. Sunny says:

    Yay! 100 posts! I’m at 97 posts right now, so right behind ya, girl. Re: Paleo diet: that’s tough about the brown rice and quinoa!. These grains have been keeping me alive lately! If you have a wedding and a vacation in a couple of weeks, I would recommend going “full blown Paleo” AFTER you get back. Try cutting out one or two things now, but give yourself a last hurrah before you go all out. It may help you stick to things better. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you O sometime soon and get the IUI show on the road!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you. I always think of you with your cleansing diet when I don’t feel like I’m able to do this Paleo thing. I mentioned your comment to my husband, too, about waiting until after vacation and the wedding to start and he agreed. Until then, we’re going mostly Paleo, while also cleaning out the fridge. I always appreciate your comments!!

  5. Sheree Winans says:

    Happy 100th…I made it to the end because your posts are entertaining. You are not a creeper. Peeta is adorable (more so with the “messy hair” look) and I’m 100 years older than you although my true list contains guys more my age. 🙂

  6. queenelizabethi says:

    Good luck with your IUI, I’ll be interested to read about it because I feel like that’ll be one of our next steps if we’re still not getting any results.

    As for younger crushes, I haven’t read The Hunger Games yet but I was at the meat market over the weekend and all the guys working there were probably 16 and 17 years old and I found myself wishing I was in high school again 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Ha – I love this!! If I had been in your shoes I probably would’ve been feeling the same thing. As it is, I long for college on a regular basis for certain reasons. I know you and I are on a similar path as well. I could’ve stuck with just Clomid for four more months but I had the opportunity to go to IUI, and given all the other health crap, it just seemed like a good idea .It can’t hurt, only help!

  7. Jenn says:

    Happy 100th Post! Question: has your doctor said anything about taking an HSG shot? I’ve been taking 50 mg of Clomid for the past two months. The RE monitors me using a sonogram to be sure that I have produced follicles and then around cycle day 10 and 11 I get blood drawn to test my FH levels to see if I will ovulate on my own. They are never high enough to indicate that I will, so I get an Ovidrel shot which forces the eggs to release. Just a thought 🙂

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you so much for this! No, my doctor has never mentioned any short of shots, but then again, my doctor seems to not mention a lot of things! I do know that so many people (you included) have ultrasounds done every cycle to check on their follicles, and I never do. I only did yesterday because it was CD 20 and I hadn’t ovulated yet. Normally, never. Who even knows how many follicles I produce, or how ready they are to release an egg? It’s so weird that my doctor doesn’t do these things, yet his practice is like the #1 practice in the state!

  8. Elle says:

    I feel so weird not addressing you by a name! I understand the desire for anonymity, but can we call you something?
    Look, my best advice is to not get too caught up in a particular diet and figure out what your body is telling you. If your body says whole grains like brown rice and quinoa are okay, then listen to that! Don’t get so caught up in fitting into a certain box that you ignore what your body is telling you. I am learning this lesson myself, as I am attempting some kind of hybrid of Dr. Weil’s anti-inflammatory diet and vegan, low-soy. I am trying to figure out the best diet for my own unique body. I also second the acupuncture, and maybe chiropractic if you can find an awesome chiropractor. I never knew much about chiropractic until recently, but many chiro docs also have experience with Chinese medicine, herbs, etc and can help you with a more natural approach (even seeming somehwat like a naturopath but with more mainstream education). Insurance covers both of those for me, AND, get this, massage therapy. Amazing.

    As for what to tell people, I have found that the highest level of honesty gets me the best reactions. I completely understand not wanting to share intimate details of your reproductive life with others, and when I was TTCing Penelope, I was super hush about all of my difficulty, and I really think it just contributed to my stress and troubles. Now whenever someone asks me the awkward questions like “Are you going to have more children?” or “Why don’t you eat this?”, I am very candid about it and just say “I had trouble getting pregnant the first time, so I’m prepared for it to take awhile again.” or “It was hard for me to get pregnant with Penny and I had to change some things about my diet to maximize my fertility” or “I wanted to try some natural treatments first, which involves a lot of dietary changes”, or if you don’t want to be so forthright with the fertility piece, you can even say “I have an autoimmune disease and I’m trying to manage it with nutrition rather than take medication” (I pull the autoimmune card a LOT) or whatever variation of that you’re comfortable with. In my experience, if you are honest with people, you get a better reaction and more support. And, I am shocked at how often other people have similar issues as me. I can’t believe the number of young women our age (I am 29) who have Hashimoto’s. It is really astounding, and just by being honest, I have opened up so many conversations with other people where we can share information and help each other.
    And, I know I said this before, but try to look into local farms near you that might have grass-fed meat. I know meat isn’t an outright issue for you, but there are so many more benefits to grass-fed meat. Also, are you checking your cervical fluid to discover when ovulation is approaching? I always found cervical mucous checks to be SO much more helpful than OPKs.
    Good luck with everything- rooting for you!!
    Elle

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Again, thank you so much for your great comments! Yes, haha, I do have a name, Megan. I probably should mention that more often! About the diet, I agree with you. I am going to start with a pretty strict Paleo diet, and then incorporate foods, one by one, back into my diet and see how I feel. Rice and quinoa will be one of the very first things I bring back. Cheese won’t be far behind. My husband and I are hoping we haven’t waited to long to join a CSA near us. We talked about it a lot last year and wanted to start this year. So here’s hoping. I know that I need an anti-inflammatory diet, or some form of it, but I also want to keep meat in my diet, so like you, I’m going to attempt some sort of hybrid. Low-soy, for sure, mostly veggie based, but with small amounts of meat. We’ll see how this feels and go from there! It does seem like so many people have autoimmune diseases, yet I’ve gotten more helpful information through my blog and others’ blogs, rather than in real life. Finally, I do check my CM, and unfortunately, it varies cycle to cycle. Not sure if Clomid has something to do with that or not. Last cycle, when I “super ovulated”, I really did not have at all the tell-tale CM signs. So far this cycle, I have experienced them for one day, but they have gone away since. Such a pain! Hopefully this cycle will be a success! Thanks for the comment!

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