It’s so odd how sometimes, time plays tricks on you. I could’ve sworn it’s been at least a week since my last post, because mentally, that’s how it feels. Really, though, my last post was only last Friday. I suppose it really hasn’t been that long.
I have taken a mental break from TTC. Granted, not a complete mental break. That’s hard to do when you’re surrounded by people you know who are pregnant, or fellow bloggers who are pregnant, and you are either being a good listener or a good reader. Either way, for whatever reason, it has been just the slightest bit easier to hear about pregnancy. It still comes with pain that’s deep-down, but there’s also excitement. Especially for my friends who are expecting. It’s an exciting time, and I enjoy hearing about aspects of pregnancy that I think might affect me someday, like my own morning sickness, or how I’ll start showing. Of course, I’m jealous. That’s a given. But it’s not a quality that I want to parade around and show off. It’s not a quality that I’m proud of. So, for whatever reason, I’ve been able to feel more happiness and excitement for others, rather than jealousy. I just push that ugly emotion back down where it came from.
Actually, I’m sure there is a reason for my current mental calmness – my TTC break. I’m not actually on a break, but I’m currently in limbo, as I am most of my cycles. I finished my second stair-stepping round of Clomid, 150 mg, two days ago. Now, I’m waiting to ovulate. Hopefully I will, that’s issue #1. But since I did last time I stair-stepped, I expect I will. It happened on CD 18. Today is CD 11, so I’ve still got some time. I’ve come to find peace with the fact that Clomid is predictable for me. I ovulate only when I stair-step; that is, only when I get a double-dose of Clomid in one cycle. No matter what the dosage is, after my period, on that first cycle of Clomid, I don’t ovulate. The peace will be short-lived, though, because I’m not sure what the future holds.
Many of you mentioned how many other options I really do have after Clomid, and I appreciate your comments. I could try Femara. I could try injectables. And more. I do plan to mention all this to my dr. when I see him next, because, frankly, I don’t think I want to go up to 250 on Clomid. As you said, 150 is usually the max for a reason. And my hot flashes are getting old. If 150 doesn’t work, then maybe that’s a sign to do something else.
Or, what I truly think is, Clomid does work, but only after a double dose. I wish my dr. had never even raised my dosage, because I don’t think it was necessary. I simply needed a double dose (or a trigger shot, but apparently he didn’t want that at this time.)
My chart this cycle looks like a complete mess. I have stopped temping. I believe I will start up when it gets closer, but for now, who cares? I know I didn’t ovulate yet; it’s too early and I haven’t had any pains. I don’t need my low temps to remind me of that fact. So no temping. I’m not checking OPK’s, either. Do you know how nice it is to pee when you want to, without having to count how many hours it has been to store enough up for POAS? My bladder appreciates it. We’ve also been BDing whenever we feel like it, rather than every other day, or with my mind on keeping things regular for conception. Whatever. It’s too early to matter right now. The IUI coming up helps out there, as well. No need to overly concern myself with timing, because of the IUI. The stress of TTC was taking a toll on me, as it does everyone at some point. This little mental break I’ve had is doing me a lot of good.
I couldn’t possibly do this, however, without other things on my mind. When you take TTC off your brain, you have to fill the void with something else. Luckily, these other things have naturally fallen into place in my mind.
It’s the end of the school year (well, starting to wind down). It’s my favorite time of year with my students. Remember how, a while ago, I posted about how I’m just not giving school my all? My brain was elsewhere. Now, it’s not. I have an awesome class. I’ve been teaching five years, and I’m lucky enough to say that 3 out of those 5 were excellent, with 2 in there that, eh, didn’t do much for me. But 3 out of 5 ain’t bad. And this current class is no exception. For the most part, they are sweet, kind, considerate, helpful, charming…and more. They vie for my attention and they want to hear all about the extras I teach them in spring, such as going off to middle school, and majors in college. We talk about jobs, and the news. When there’s time, I color with my girls, or in the past, I’ve taught anyone interested how to knit. When it’s nice out, I play basketball with my boys (and girls), and run races with them. It’s fun for me. And this happens every spring. Everyone is in a better mood, everyone is less stressed, including me. I don’t have children yet, but I do have 23 10 and 11-year old’s who do need me, from 8:30-3:00 Monday through Friday. I can’t let them down. So I’m in a nice zone there.
N and I are also busy with some house projects, including starting a vegetable garden. Rototillers are tricky little things, as we found out yesterday. But hopefully, with the amount of produce we are consuming, we’ll have lots of veggies grown right in our own backyard.
We are also on the Paleo diet..ish. It’s still not 100%. When there’s nothing else to eat, or I need something on the go, I have no choice but to make a sandwich. For that, I bust out my gluten-free bread. There’s also been the occasional sugar-free treat, like the homemade butter pecan ice cream we get down the street. It’s amazing. But for the most part, we stick to a diet of veggies and meat. It’s crazy how my hives have finally figured themselves out. I go a whole day eating no white carbs and no sugar, I have NO hives. I have that ice cream, or a little candy, or too much bread products in one day, I go to bed covered in them. It’s so obvious now what I have to do, and most times, it’s easy. Holidays or vacations, though, and it gets tricky.
I’m also considering topics for a book. Sounds stupid; I feel a bit stupid as well. But you know what? It passes the time. After flying through The Hunger Games and reading The Lucky One a few days ago in one day flat, I realized, I enjoy a good love story. Not a sappy one – no shirtless dude on a white horse to rescue the damsel in distress. Barf. But a good, old-fashioned love story. So, after brainstorming a million scenarios, I’ve started working on one. It’s funny – I’ll write for a little while, and then I’ll stop and say, what the hell am I doing? I’m not 13 here. This is dumb. And then other days roll around and I think, I like doing this. Who cares if it doesn’t turn into anything – I enjoy it. So, I’m in the middle of Chapter 1, with a Prologue done already.
Last but not least, we are going away tomorrow – just for two nights at a bed and breakfast, nothing crazy. But away from here, where we’ll see the sights, shop, relax, and of course, eat. I always enjoy that.
Hopefully, by the middle of next week, I’ll be in my TWW after my first IUI. Until then, it’s gone from my brain already.