A release of hope

Back from my mini-vacation. We stayed at a bed and breakfast in Lake George, then spent one afternoon an hour and a half north of that, in Lake Placid. N is doing a full Ironman there this summer, and he wanted to drive the bike route and see what kind of damage he was in for. 112 miles on a bike is no easy feat! Luckily, it wasn’t actually that bad.

The bed and breakfast was great. Beautiful, cozy, and their 5-course breakfasts were really amazing. Gosh, I feel like I’m doing a professional review. Anyway, if you are ever in that area and are looking for a great place to stay, check this place out:

Cornerstone Victorian

I did find out that, of the two food demons in my life currently, wheat has just moved to #1. I had a little wheat the past few days, including a low-sugar apple cinnamon muffin, and a bit of fresh bread at dinner. Just like a few weeks ago when I tried to reintroduce wheat into my diet, I had the worst stomach problems. It only put a damper on a half hour of my vacation, so no big deal in the long run, but seriously, it was very painful. I really can’t eat wheat anymore. It just can’t happen. As for sugar, I had just a little bit of that too, including two small ice creams, and really had next to no hives. I’m thinking that’s just a passing thing, and I really just got lucky for this trip, because as of two weeks ago sugar was my arch nemesis. Either way, I gain weight from these foods. Back to Paleo, for real this time, and I know I’ll lose weight at the very least. By the way – almond milk? Delicious. Unsweetened coconut milk – not so much.

As for my mental health – I’m okay. It’s an up and down thing, you guys know. We had a great time, and I was happy. But deep down, the truth of the matter is that nothing, really nothing could make me so completely happy that I would permanently push infertility aside. I can have moments where I’m not thinking about it, but the emotions that come with it are never really gone. I had a good of a time as any; as I could. We both did. I’m just saying that underneath it all I’m not truly happy, because the one thing I really want in life has been giving me problems, difficulties, and it seems so far away. For all I know, it could be very far away.

The issue here is my hope level. Say, on a scale from 1-10, when I first started TTC, it was at a 10. When I started Clomid, a 9. Last cycle, when I was so sure I was pregnant, an 8. But since that damaging cycle, I stopped obsessing about TTC. I mostly stopped temping, only once every few days now. POASing has just started back up, and I actually hate it. I don’t worry about our timing. But with the release of all these stressors comes the release of hope. Sure, it’s possible it could happen soon. I understand that. But I can no longer feel like it’s going to. I am hopeful, on a shallow level, but deep down, the optimism isn’t there. It is so far away. Actually getting a positive pregnancy test? Going for my first ultrasound? Hitting 20 weeks? So, so far away. And that just really, plainly sucks.

I’ve noticed my new try-not-to-think-about-it attitude manifesting itself in other ways, too. In the past month, I’ve rarely blogged. I have nothing much to say. I haven’t really commented on many blogs either. For once, I didn’t sign up for ICLW. I’m just in a place where I am so tired of the frustration and, really, the pain that goes with all this that I don’t want to talk about it much anymore. I don’t know if it’s showing, but IRL I feel quieter, more serious. I’ve never been good at faking anything, especially emotions.

It’s not all gloom and doom, and I don’t walk around with a scowl on my face. I’m happy, like I said, but not truly, deep-down happy. I have a great class this year, N and I have a lot of fun together and, thanks to him, we laugh constantly. You know, there are happy things. But I am missing out on something that makes any person the happiest on the planet.

I am going in for a blood test this morning, as it’s CD 15. I hope to hear, “Ovulation is on its way.” If I hear, “You didn’t respond to this double dose of Clomid, either,” I might scream. But I’m going to take the positive route and say yes, it’s happening, hopefully in the next few days. I still really want to do my first IUI.

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7 thoughts on “A release of hope

  1. storkchaser says:

    This journey is HARD! And sometimes you need a break. Even if that’s just from blogging. And that’s ok! We’ll still be here cheering you on. 🙂 I’m still at a 10 for you!!!

    PS- omg I’m now in love with almond milk. I want a Vita Mix just for the purpose of making my own almond milk. I’ve been addicted to almond milk smoothies too! Blackberry is my favorite. 😉

    PPS- glad you had such a nice little vacay! The B&B looks wonderful!

  2. jennymeg says:

    I had a very similar time around our first anniversary. Coincidently we also spent an afternoon in Lake Placid that day! It was a beautiful day in late September and so there were lots of couples out with their families, girlfriends out with their little ones for lunch/chats and expectant couples enjoying their ‘us’ time before baby. It was an extremely difficult day for me and I felt very guilty that deep down I wasn’t truly happy about where we were at in our lives. I felt like my hubby was all there for me, that it was completely about us and our happy day; but in the back of my mind there was this nagging thought that kept bringing me down. We are very blessed with all that we’ve been given in our lives, but still, I just couldn’t help but ache for that missing piece to our puzzle and think about what could have been, we’d only lost the baby a few months before. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s normal. I have felt the same things you have, struggled with the same guilt … . I know it’s a very hard time, I know how frustrating it can be and how disappointing. It will get better, I promise and until then, just be you, do you and worry about you. I hope you get good news at the appointment. I have my fingers (toes, legs) crossed for you!

  3. Emily @ablanket2keep says:

    I hope your US went well. There have been a few times where I didn’t want to think about anything having to do with IF. I stopped blogging for a bit and didn’t even read. It felt good and I felt refreshed when I did come back. You need to take care of you however that may be. I think I might be at a point where I want to take another month before we do our next IUI.

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