My Time

I’m back with a quick update.

I went in for blood work yesterday, and got the call yesterday afternoon that my …something…was 184? It was a new nurse, and the first time any numbers had been shared with me. I said, “What’s it’s supposed to be?” She said when you’re ovulating it’s between 200-400, so 184 was heading in the right direction. (Anyone know what this number is?) Then, she said, the doctor wanted me in today for another blood test (1 day later…really?) and an ultrasound. I never turn down an ultrasound – they are hard to come by!

So, regardless of the fact that today was the first day back at school after a week’s vacation (and therefore I really couldn’t take any time off), I sped to the office 40 minutes away first thing this morning and got them both done. Granted, I was a little late to school, but I planned ahead and got coverage.

Today’s results told me this: I’ve got one follicle, 16 mm. Deja vu? Yes, because that exact thing was told to me about two weeks ago, before I stair-stepped my second round of Clomid. I told the nurse that, and he dug around in there and found what that other nurse had told me was a 16 mm follicle..in fact it was a 16mm cyst. He said it would take care of itself on its own, but yeah, not a follicle. It never was. This time, though, I have one. I should ovulate in the next week, hopefully soon. My blood test came back as well, with the nurse simply saying on the voicemail that my estrogen is “going up” so the doctor would like me to start POASing.

Ha. Like I haven’t been using OPK’s for the last…6 months. I’ve probably spent hundreds of dollars on those suckers. Sure, I’ll start now.

If I don’t have a smiley face in the next five days…back for bloodwork.

I’m a mix of emotions today. You know, I’m kind of getting sick and tired of writing posts where I feel sorry for myself and fall into a funk. I’m sick of being that person. It’s getting old. I want to be happy.

Yet, it’s so hard to think any differently. As more and more of you bloggers get your BFP’s, sometimes I feel like…gosh, it’s so close! It’s right there – I just have to reach out and grab it! Maybe if I wish for it just a little bit harder, it will happen. Sometimes I say, yes, this is going to happen to me. I’m going to get pregnant, carry a baby to term and bring home a beautiful child that will look like my husband and I. I will be quite literally the happiest person on the planet. Maybe everyone else’s BFP’s will rub off on me – isn’t it time yet? Is it my time??

Then, even a minute later, my brain switches gears completely. It’s not happening for a long time, it’s such a ways away, I can’t even picture in my mind what it would be like to actually say the words, “I’m pregnant”.

Back and forth, back and forth. I can’t make up my mind as to what to think.

But I think the truth of the matter is, when you’re struggling with infertility, it is a roller coaster ride. I’m in love with everything baby one minute, the next minute if I see one more infant I’m going to scream. N and I talk about room colors, middle names, what it’ll look like one minute, the next minute I want to clean my brain of everything baby and pregnancy and seriously never think about it again. But of course, I do think it about it again. I think about it every single day, every single hour. And this cycle is a drastic improvement from the past – no google searches and Fertility Friend can’t remember my password. I’m doing better with not obsessing.

I have this new thought that it would be really awesome to have multiples (well, forget this reason, it would be awesome anyway). Of course, I know the risks to mother and babies and I don’t wish for that. It’s a completely irrational thought. I am only going to give birth to 2 (maybe 3, though N hasn’t agreed upon it yet) children. If I have any more after that, we’re adopting. If I had twins, I would never have to go through this again.

What a horribly selfish thought. It’s crazy, I know. I’m just saying, from an emotional perspective – tie my tubes, I’m done. I can only imagine the glee that would come with never having to suffer through this horrible, frustrating journey ever again. I could live life, enjoying what I have, without worry of my infertile future.

Having multiples or a singleton would be a miracle no matter what. My brain just wants a vacation from all the thoughts and feelings I have going on.

I have never wanted anything this badly in my entire life. I’m goal-oriented; when I want something, I go after it. I’ve nailed down jobs, a husband, college programs, dogs, you name it, by using this strategy. But this, this is different. I can hope and wish and mentally squeeze all of my limbs and wonder if that’ll help, but no thoughts in my mind will make me pregnant. To want something more than life, and to be denied it in a slow, torturous way…it just sucks.

I’m not in a funk today, I’m actually feeling better than most days, probably because of my follicle. But I can’t get my hopes up, not even to ovulate. I’m just going to…wait and see what happens.

Thanks for listening 🙂

 

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6 thoughts on “My Time

  1. K.Smitty says:

    This is a total guess, but MAYBE it was your LH? That usually surges right before O so that’s my best guess. But I’ve never had bloodwork for those purposes yet so really I admit I have no clue.

    I have to say though–I share your sentiment about multiples. Maybe I don’t understand enough about the risks, but I can’t help but agree with you that it would be a blessing in many ways…mainly that it’d be a two-fer and you could have your 2 kids with only having to go through the fear and agony of TTC for ONE pregnancy. Maybe I’m a dummy, but to me, it seems worth the risk.

    Well I’m happy to hear that you actually have a real life follicle and not a cyst! Hope you get a +OPK soon!

  2. Not-So-Fertile Girl says:

    Wow…I REALLY felt like you were in my brain while I was reading this! I completely agree with everything you said. I also get warm, fuzzy feelings when I think of multiples. I’m sure the financial and physical demands of it are difficult. I think, though, it’s the ultimate dream for us Infertiles, who struggle so much to have one baby. It’s our equivalent of winning the lottery. We want a baby so badly…the word multiple sounds a lot like “jackpot” to me! 🙂

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