Pissed.

I’m spotting. And not in the good, implantation kind of way.

And yes, I’m also pissed off. I’m going through the stages of grief, rapid-fire.

Up until about 20 minutes ago, I was still in denial. The spotting that started last night was super light, so hey, maybe, just maybe, right? It’s still possible. Then, after taking a pregnancy test, because today, I just really need an answer, I moved straight into the anger stage. Of course it’s negative, and then, not more than 5 minutes after that, the spotting turned red. I expect a full period by tomorrow.

Anger is currently where my mind resides, or at least most of the time. But literally, within seconds of each other, I’m thinking thoughts that could easily fit into the other grief categories of bargaining, depression, and yes, even acceptance. That last one only held one stray thought, but I guess it’s better than none.

But mostly, what I’m currently thinking and feeling is that I HATE this. I hate the process, I hate the disappointment, I hate how behind everyone else I feel, I hate how hurt I feel in situations that I really shouldn’t, I hate the multiple doctors, the appointments, peeing on a stick obsessively, taking my temperature every morning. I hate dreaming about babies, knowing what absolutely wonderful parents N and I would make, not knowing how long this is going to take, not knowing how many more of these cycles I can tolerate without totally losing my shit. I hate how optimism is slowly fading away – not that I don’t think I’ll ever have a child, I still do have hope there, but just the hope that “this cycle might be the one”. No – it’s not the one, so don’t even tell me that. And most likely, neither will the next one be. I’m sick of being bitter, but I can’t turn back time and be naive and innocent – “Oh YAY! We’re officially TTC!!!” Screw it! It’s been almost a year, and I know many of you have been through longer, but even still. I’m just – done. Can we file adoption papers yet?

N had an outstanding sperm count, the IUI timing was perfect. We continued to try in the appropriate window even after that. Why, why, why do these things not work? Why??? I need a scientific reason!

My nurse will be hearing from me very soon, as I have many questions I need answered. Pronto. One of the hardest things is that my cycles are 60 days long. Being that I only ovulate if I stair-step Clomid, one cycle is 2 months long, not one. So when I get my period, I realize that I have to wait another 60 days to find out if that cycle was a success. 28-30 days – now that sounds like a dream. I can wait one month, but I can’t wait two. That and, maybe Clomid isn’t the answer if I always need to double-dose it. I don’t know.

As rant-y as this post is, I am actually way better than last time. Just as I promised, I kept my mind off it during the 1.5 week wait. I didn’t obsess, I didn’t Google, and I told myself it’s not going to happen. So, I’m angry, but not devastated. I’m not in shock, like I was last time. Now I’ve got a bad case of bitterness instead. I’m not sure which one I prefer!

So, I’m going to retreat into the couch tonight and try to stay away from the chips and salsa I stuffed myself with after taking the pregnancy test. Comfort food is called just that for a reason, you know. And it totally works.

The only brightness in my day was this:

These were given to me by my students, 10 and 11 year old’s. It’s Teacher Appreciation Week, and while I would never expect anything, and don’t need anything, to have my kids shower me with these flowers, a stuffed animal, a basket full of supplies, caring notes and dressing up in my favorite color (purple)…I do feel loved. I have an awesome class. I really will miss them next year.

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11 thoughts on “Pissed.

  1. storkchaser says:

    Omg I totally understand. Absolutely EVERYTHING about this sucks! I crave answers and grieve as well. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t wait til I’m reading your bfp announcement!
    And your students are too cute! You are a lucky lady and they are lucky to have you!!

  2. veetamia says:

    It sucks. No other way to describe it. Sorry you didn’t get your bfp this time around, but hoping you do soon! There’s too many good vibes going around for it to not come back to us sometime 😉 Hang in there!

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