Stupid ovaries.

My ovaries and I aren’t getting along at all. As the days pass, I’m coming to the realization that my ovaries are lazy. Stagnant, unconscious. They don’t DO anything.

I should have already known this, since I was only able to ovulate on Clomid when I stair-stepped, and each cycle would be 60 days long. For some strange reason, I assumed that moving on to the big drugs, the real deal, would change all that. I was wrong!

Today will be my 14th day of follistim. I did 5 or 6 days of 50 IU, 5-6 days of 66 IU, and today is Day 3 of 75 IU. My last blood test a few days ago showed that my estrogen actually dropped a little bit, and the ultrasound didn’t have a single follicle on each side larger than 8 or 9 mm.

Is this normal?

Even though the labs don’t say it, I must have PCOS. There has yet to be a moment where my doctor confirms I have PCOS, but if you have 30 follicles on each side, just hanging out, isn’t that a strong indication? I understand that my doctor wants to take things very slowly, because of those 60 follicles. I imagine I’m at a high risk for multiples, if my ovaries ever decide to actually do anything! Right now, the only thing growing is my frustration level.

And I’m used to waiting, by now. I should expect that it takes forever for my follicles to grow. It’s just that I wonder if it’s worth it, to do follistim with an IUI, if it’s going to take months to get there.

I did a little googling and it seems others in my situation just say the hell with it, and go to IVF. I am willing to do that – next cycle. It’s not an option for this cycle, and I did check. So I need to wait this one out, again. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen, and I’m still holding out a little hope, but I wonder how many days of shots I will be doing before a doctor says, this isn’t working. On to the next thing.

It’s funny how that “woe is me” attitude creeps up on me. Once I started the shots, I was feeling pretty decent again. Now that nothing is happening in there, those thoughts just appear in my head again. They tell me it’s going to be a long time until I’m pregnant. They tell me I’m going to be doing IVF during the school year, which makes for a stressful time. And the scariest thought is this: what if my autoimmune problems, which are clearly still around, aren’t going to allow the 1) follicles to grow, 2) sperm to meet with egg, 3) BFP to stick, 4) baby to be carried to term. Seriously, the “woe is me” attitude brings about many worries, and they don’t help me in the slightest.

It’s the worrying right now that holds me back. I would’ve liked to join in on the diet and fitness challenges that Belle, Sunny, and Jenn (among others) are doing, but I can’t make the commitment. What if I need to eat rice krispies with almond milk in the middle of the day to make me feel better? And how can I find the right diet? The diet that feels best for autoimmune problems is not exactly the same as the PCOS diet, and I feel like I have too many health problems all at once to figure out what my body needs.

The one thought I’m trying to push away is the fear. If I could successfully completely cut out certain foods from my diet, would I get pregnant then? If I was just more dedicated to health and fitness, would it happen? Is the fact that I ate an ice cream the other day, with sprinkles, mind you, which had dairy and sugar (two things I usually don’t eat), and I had stomach issues the next day  – could that be why my ovaries aren’t functioning?

These are completely irrational thoughts, and I understand that. But I hate feeling so out of control with my own body. Naturally, I want to place the blame on myself, because when I do that, things make sense. If I just throw my hands up and say it’s not my fault, well then, it doesn’t make sense to me. But by doing this, I am adding so much extra pressure to myself that I don’t need, and it causes me to…overeat. I have always held myself to standards that are too high. I have always put on the pressure, the stress. Now is no exception. It’s very hard to let go. Ugh. I do want to get in on those challenges, girls. I just don’t know where to start.

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7 thoughts on “Stupid ovaries.

  1. Curly Sue says:

    I feel for you, hun. I have definitely been there with the self-blame and all. I don’t know how I finally managed to stop doing it, but I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders when I did.

    Also, it really really sounds like you are PCOS. I think I may have even commented that a couple of months ago here XD If IVF is covered for you, that’s a good option (PCOSers are often champions at egg harvesting because we over-produce follicles!).

    If you ever want to talk to somebody about PCOS and what that means for diet, health, and fertility treatments, I am always available!

  2. Sunny says:

    I agree with Curly Sue–it definitely sounds like PCOS. Have you had your insulin levels checked with a fasting glucose test? Sometimes, PCOS manifests itself in the form of high glucose–but sometimes it doesn’t. It’s a crap disease in that way because there are so many manifestations of it. But your symptoms most definitely point to PCOS. Also, re: the self blame. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I am the queen of self blame, and it will drive you crazy if you think there is a magic combo that you’re unable to figure out. Don’t beat yourself up about your diet. I don’t think there’s a magic cure at all out there, but maybe if you just take very very small baby steps and try one thing for a week it will make it less daunting than eliminating every yummy food for the rest of your life!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Thank you. I have not had that test done, and perhaps I should request it. No doctor has even mentioned PCOS out loud yet, I’m just putting two and two together. As for the diet – you’re right, baby steps. It’s so daunting to think about everything all at once.

  3. vtbarb says:

    hi! i\’m a new-ish reader! i have PCOS (or normally referred to as just PCO or mild PCOS) b/c my blood work doesn\’t show PCOS, but i\’ve got the polycystic ovaries. From what I understand, if you have the cysts, you have it. It\’s just if you have the blood work to show it too, you have it worse. I was put on metformin only after my 2nd m/c because of the higher m/c risk for PCOSers.

    I also just had stage 4 endo removed last month and a polyp/scar tissue removed too. Yay! And this was my first cycle back – I started with femara and that didn’t work (although it caused my second pregnancy) and so we added injectables too. I did follistim 100units for 3 days start cd11 and then bumped up to 250units, until cd16 my RE cancelled my cycle because I wasn’t responding. I had 11,10,10 (and small ones) on the right … by cd16 it was only 9,8, and small ones. Such a huge bummer! I feel the same exact way you do! I feel like I’m constantly waiting and wondering if I am just going to have to go on to IVF! My insurance doesn’t pay for anything with IVF so I’d be totally screwed though! GOOD LUCK!

    • futuresoccermom says:

      Ugh, that’s horrible! Yes, it’s so completely frustrating. Especially when insurance isn’t helping. I find it interesting to note that your bloodwork doesn’t specify PCOS either, as mine doesn’t. Hmm. And I’ve never been put on metformin, though my thyroid doctor recommended it. The RE never said anything. Stupid ovaries!

      • Lacking Patience says:

        i would bring it up to your RE even though it looks like your ovaries responded after all (yay!). since you have the cysts, apparently metformin (at 1500mg) lowers miscarriage rates for PCOSers. it takes some time to work up to 1500 too b/c it does upset your stomach and your body has to adjust. i brought it up to my RE after 1 miscarriage and she said since it’s mild i probably don’t need it…. then ihad another miscarriage and her first thing was “let’s get you on metformin” so i wish i started it early.. maybe it would have helped, who knows! good luck with triggering!

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