Sometimes it feels like I’ve been away from my blog for over a month. Seriously, hasn’t it been like – a long time? But actually my last post was the 13th, so it really hasn’t been as long as I thought. To be honest, I’ve been going through waves of various levels of crap, and when it comes to blogging, it started off as “I have no interest in ever blogging again”, to “maybe tonight”, to “okay, tonight’s the night.” It’s because I actually have something to say that’s worthwhile.
See, the reason I don’t blog is actually quite simple – I’m saying the same damn things over and over again, and they are all emotion-based. I’m depressed. I’m pissed. I’m bitter. I’m hungry. I’m bloated. I’m bitter again. And first of all, what else can I possibly say about those things? But more than that – I’m sick of people feeling bad for me. Well, let me rephrase. I appreciate those who think about me and wish me good luck, etc. But when I blog, it’s almost always negative. Which is fitting. So, people I see in real life, I think, have no idea what to say to me anymore. And I just get the “pity” vibe. I used to be okay with accepting other people’s pity, but now, I don’t want it. I’m not “over it”, but, like, I’m over it. I got it, I get it, I’m not pregnant. I’m not even close. I’m not anything, other than fat and pimply. And so, “Your turn is next” is…nice, and I appreciate it, but as long as everyone understands that I don’t feel that way. I felt that way last Christmas. And the Christmas before. Now, my turn isn’t next. Well, maybe; who knows. But I don’t even think of it. It doesn’t matter when my turn is – I’m still going to have to wait for it to come, even if it’s five years from now.
Another reason I haven’t been blogging is because I don’t know how to explain how I feel like I’m frozen in time. I have the body of a newly-pregnant person, what with the leftover IVF bloating, the inability to exercise without my ovaries pinching me, can’t have sex, can’t button my pants..you know, etc., but yet, I’ve had this IVF weight lifted off my shoulders the past few weeks and I’ve been dying to get back to my former self. How awesome would being super fit feel? I want to run. Miles and miles. I recently realized it will be the first Thanksgiving I can’t run in our local 4.5 mile road race, because my grapefruit-sized ovaries won’t accept that, and I was actually really upset. Very disappointed. I want to earn my Thanksgiving meal. I want to burn calories. But more than that, I want to be proud of myself for something. Like, for exercising, since “making babies” doesn’t earn me a gold star. My brain is ready for my old life, but not my body. I am only allowed walking or the elliptical, and only today have I officially not felt my ovaries, and it’s been almost two weeks since the cancellation of my first IVF cycle. I hate how I’m stuck in limbo. Hate it.
Finally, I think I was suffering from a hormonal imbalance or something. Again. Because up until a few days ago, I was extra heavy on the bitter and angry. A little like my Clomid experience. I just figured I was depressed about the cancellation, which I think I was. Then, all of a sudden, the cloud lifted, and now I find myself laughing again, my bloat has decreased a bit, I actually played the freaking piano. It feels so good to stretch my legs on the stupid elliptical. I feel a little better. But I don’t trust it. I can’t even trust my own emotions, because I don’t know when they are mine, and when they are hormonal. I have no idea.
So. It was for all of these reasons that I stayed away from the blogging world, more because of my real life friends hearing nothing but whining and negativity, and I just don’t feel like putting that out there anymore. Time to suck it up. But I can see I missed out. I LOVED the October writing prompts, but stopped them long ago, and now I doubt I’ll catch up. But I thought they were excellent. And the vlogs? Very cute, very funny. Missed those, too. Oh well.
And now I finally dragged myself to the computer because I have a question, one that is at least about something in particular, and worth asking.
Has anyone….bought maternity pants to help with the IVF bloat?
I mean – how embarrassing. Really. Real life friends, please don’t tell. But I’m really thinking about it, and here’s why:
I’m rotating through 3 pairs of capris, two of which are one size up from my normal pants, and are still quite tight, and two pairs of capri jeans. I seriously wear these same pants every single week day, with sweatpants on the weekends because I’ve been so damn bloated. Now, with the weather turning colder, I can’t keep wearing capris. I need long pants. And I’m sad to say, I think this will be my first winter not fitting into my expensive Express dress pants that I’ve worn for at least the last 3 or 4 years. I love those pants. But it’s a no go. Nothing’s worse than a muffin top. Not to mention, my ovaries don’t like it.
So besides wearing clothes to my job that probably aren’t the most appropriate because I don’t fit into anything else, today, a colleague asked another colleague if I was pregnant. Now, most of my school knows my situation, what with me walking into school late every day for a week and a half. Plus, I’m pretty sure, “I’m miserable and trying desperately to fake it” is written on my forehead in a Sharpie. So, people know. But this colleague did not, and apparently, she was approached by someone else in my building who asked her. This leads me to a conclusion – I looked fat today. Or pregnant. I’m not sure which is worse!
I can’t keep wearing these pants. I’m in denial – I’m not pregnant, so it’s not fair. I should not have to buy more pants. Plus, I blame myself for eating a lot, which I do, because I have no self control because I don’t care, even though I do care. Follow me? So, I feel like it’s my own fault. And though I don’t look, like, really overweight, I’ve gone from a size 6 to a 10 recently and it sucks. And the acne? GOD. When will it end??? I am just…disgusted with my appearance. So anyway, I’ve been told that I might as well buy new pants, because I’m clearly not going back to my cute size I used to be anytime soon. Mostly because I’ll be starting those meds again in a few weeks, and the belly needs to expand a bit to make room for 60-80 eggs. And then, if I ever do get pregnant, I won’t be a small size then either. Like I said, I’m in denial. I either want to be pregnant, or young and fit. And small. And in my old pants.
But since that isn’t happening soon, and my muffin top in those old pants apparently looks like the beginnings of pregnancy…I have no choice.
So what should I buy? The next size up in regular pants? Or maternity pants? Or are there other options I don’t know about?
Right now I lean towards maternity pants, because someday, dammit, I’m getting back into my old pants. I’m in my 20’s still for pete’s sake. Come on. If buy the bigger size, I might as well throw those old pants away and label that bag, “When I was young and cute”. But I’m still young. And could be cute with a little help. But…but really. WHO buys maternity pants when you’re not pregnant??? That is so damn embarrassing!!
So I’ll take your advice if you’ve got any on the pants situation.
Until then, I’m going in for a scan on Tuesday, to see if my ovaries have shrunk (shrunk? shrank? shranked? haha) enough to start follistim again. I’m guessing it won’t be enough, and I’ll have to finish the BCP pack. And if I even get to the doctor’s on Tuesday – we’ve got a hurricane coming our way, one year to the day later than when we got that crazy blizzard that knocked out power for a week. And it’s my sister’s birthday, so she isn’t happy about two birthdays in a row being ruined. Finally, there was a tragedy in our town last night, with a middle-school aged girl who died in a terrible house fire. It just reminds me that there is more going on in the world than what’s in my head. There are way worse things. And it’s hard, but I need to remember that.