I hate how infertility puts you through the ringer. It’s so up and down. I just got the call from the nurse – estrogen was 3098 today, exactly where they want it to be. Yesterday’s massive estrogen drop was some sort of fluke, and I guess they are going to re-run that test. I triggered with Lupron last night. Retrieval is tomorrow.
If only I had known that yesterday. Yesterday, when I was told this cycle would most likely be cancelled, and then I had to go to my in-laws’ and pretend everything was fine, which I sucked at doing, by the way. I am the worst liar. I was miserable. And since every holiday at N’s aunt’s is an invitation for teenage mothers to burst in (non family members), I wasn’t at all surprised when this couple no older than maybe 22 came in with their beautiful infant. Their happy “oops”. I was such a wreck, I literally camped out in a different room and fought back tears. I mean, of all days. Then, when N’s cousin started to hand the baby to him, I quickly plotted my escape route to the bathroom. Luckily, he didn’t hold the baby. I just hate how infertility has done this to me. When in my entire life have I ever tried planning escape routes to avoid children? I work with them for a living! But there it was. I was anti-social, quiet, and serious. On Thanksgiving. Not my finest hour, and I may owe the family an apology. But let’s face it- this hasn’t been my finest year. I’m just not myself, and it sucks.
Now I’m a wreck in a different way. This last minute change of plans has me all turned around. I’m nervous!! Not for anything in particular I guess, but nervous for surgery, for the pain, for the meds (no hives, please), for the quality of my eggs, for my husband. For OHSS. I’m just nervous. What a perfect time to be doing construction on our house.
So here we are. I’m feeling that kind of sick like when you’re nervous, and am having trouble eating much. Sleeping tonight should be interesting as well. But unless something weird happens, I’ll be at my RE’s tomorrow morning at 8:30, with retrieval at 9:15. It is finally here.