6dp5dt and this just got real.

Not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously all along. But this is different, and I’m wary.

Here’s the thing: I have never had a problem sharing this infertility journey I’ve been on. I have actually enjoyed talking about what I have gone through and the support “in real life” has been great (and of course here as well). After all, between the crazy bloating and showing up late to work many days in a row, I appreciate the fact that I’ve been able to explain why, and tell the truth.

But now, I am getting veryyy close to finding out if my first IVF cycle will be a bust or the best thing ever. The stakes seem higher than my other TWW’s, and like I said, I’m taking this seriously. So far, my real life friends want to know everything, as they have all along. And all of a sudden, I’m looking ahead to this weekend (my beta is Saturday) and I – I’m not sure I want to share my results.

It’s not that I want to keep my pregnancy a secret from my friends, if I was lucky enough to receive good news. That’s not it at all. I’ve always said I would share my pregnancy with anyone I’d be glad for their support if something bad happened. So it’s not like I’m saying I want to keep it to myself. But…I would like to tell everyone the good or bad news on my own time. No matter the results, I’m not sure when I want to share. I might want the support immediately, after the weekend, a week later, or a month. And I’m afraid everyone will be asking me the results, and lying isn’t something I’m capable of doing, so I would have to tell them sooner than I want to.

The truth is – I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If it’s negative, I’ll be upset enough as is, and so many people have been rooting for me. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. And if it’s good news, I wish I could keep it inside for a few weeks, just until it’s absolutely positive. Just until I can say those words without having a panic attack. I’m jumping the gun, of course.

So, in a nutshell, if you’ve been following all of this and we tend to talk about it in real life often, don’t take it personally when I kindly ask you now not to ask me my results. I promise I will tell you, and soon, but I just don’t want to feel like I need to share right away. This is different than how I normally am and I know that, and for all I know I’ll march into work Monday morning with something to say. But I’m not sure. I’m protecting myself, I think. From my own feelings, which I would have to face if I shared it with others. So let’s all pretend this isn’t happening, okay? And when I have something I want to tell you and get your support about, I promise I’ll open up.

And of course, thank you to all of my kind friends who do take the time to ask me and show their support. I guess this is really a good post to have to write.

So that’s that. I guess I’m a little nervous. It’s my understanding that the PIO shots (which are really no big deal) cause pregnancy symptoms, so I’ve been ignoring my sore boobs (like to the touch, but I’ve had that before) and daily minor cramping… which I haven’t had in the past, and the fact that I keep smelling things no one else is smelling (never had that before but wouldn’t it be too early?). Yes, two embryos were put in, but they were a little behind in development, not hatching or anything. Some days I wake up and think, “there’s no way on earth this worked” and I think about my next cycle, and other days I believe it’s true, all day long. No rhyme or reason. I’m holding out on POASing, though I make no promises as to how long that will last. Do Lupron triggers stay in your system a while like Ovidrel does?

Oh, and out of the remaining 12 embryos we had…1 was frozen. 1, when if we have to go another round, we would want to put in two. Very disappointing. But one step at a time, I guess.

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6 thoughts on “6dp5dt and this just got real.

  1. storkchaser says:

    It’s weird to think that your failed cycle would be disappointing to others, but it’s true! It totally happens and you feel bad when it does. I totally get that. Good luck with this cycle and I hope you won’t need that frozen emby until you’re ready for ANOTHER child. 🙂

  2. thefamilyvan says:

    I recently learned that having little to no eggs to freeze is INCREDIBLY common. That can’t make you feel any less disappointed, and I’m sure I’ll feel the same way if that’s what we face, too, but I hope it helps a little to know you’re not alone. Good news: you’ve got 1 there! A brother or sister for whoever is currently growing happy and healthy in your belly as we speak (type?). Positive thoughts…

    I get the sudden need to keep results private, too. As my husband keeps saying, we’re going global thermonuclear war with this IVF business. There’s a whole lot more at stake here than there was with IUIs (even though those felt huge at the time). I’m starting to regret how many people I told about this, as it means I’ll have that many more people asking how things turned out. I’m thinking the ignorance tactic will work until I feel like talking about it: “We’re still waiting on results”.

    Crossing everything for you, my dear!

    V.

  3. Rachel Dustin says:

    Totally understandable to feel that way and I will definitely not be asking you the results! You and N deserve to share that special little secret between just the two of you for as long as you want. It’s a moment like no other, so soak up every minute of it!

  4. Seagull says:

    Two days before my beta and i was so there with you. Suddenly i felt like i wanted to the world to be very, very small and i didnt want to tell anyone the results. This is kinda why during our FET we told 4 people we were even doing it (compared to about 12 people who knew about the IVF fresh transfer). It’s like you want the support but it also reminds you that even though a million docs have been up your hoo-ha, this is still a private thing. Do what you think is best and hang in there.

  5. Sheree Winans says:

    Know that when I’m smiling at you on Monday morning….it’s just in support of you whatever the results may be. You have do what is best for you. Love you.

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