The tragedy of a school shooting

I can’t help but want to bring this topic up, though I’m not sure what there is to say about it. I am an elementary teacher in Connecticut. As far as I know, Connecticut has never had a school shooting, not to mention one at the elementary school level. I can’t seem to stop collecting the facts and details of this horrible tragedy, and I think it’s because I keep imagining it happening at my school, 40 minutes away.

It’s something you never think could happen near you, and I have never imagined a scenario involving an elementary school. But it really could happen anywhere. I think about our security. It was the same as Sandy Hook – our doors do lock after drop-off time, and when you arrive at the school, you have to be buzzed in. At the office, the secretary has a camera in which she can see who’s at the door, and then she lets you in. The thing is – the secretary is going to let pretty much anyone in, at a school. Unless it’s completely obvious they are going to hurt people, why wouldn’t you? They must be there for a student. Or in this case, it was a substitute teacher’s son. I’m guessing it’s possible that the office staff even knew who he was, meaning, of course, they’d let him in. The fact is – at a school, especially an elementary school, the secretary and office staff is going to let you in, because there’s no reason why you wouldn’t.  They had done nothing wrong.

Like I said, I just keep imagining it happening in our building. Our wing is the closest to the office. What if I was fumbling with my key to lock the door and didn’t get to do it in time? What if a student was in the bathroom when I had to lock my door and I’d never know if they were pulled somewhere safe or not?

And then the ages of the kids. I teach 5th grade, one higher than the kids at Sandy Hook. 10 and 11-year olds, like any other children, would be terrified. I can’t even imagine trying to calm them all down, or huddling together. But of course, that’s what we would do. The teachers at Sandy Hook were no doubt heroic, as the stories start to come out. And it kind of makes me feel proud, because that’s the nature of our profession. We are in charge, and fully responsible, of 20+ kids every day from 8:30-3:00. Of course, we would do whatever it took to save their lives. It’s just such a weird thing – I’ve never imagined I’d actually have to put that into practice. And hopefully I never will.

No matter what, it’s scary and horrifying, and my students will probably be all abuzz about it on Monday. It was very close by, and it really could happen in any school.

Anyway, I just can’t stop thinking about it. But in other, happier news, I believe I’m still pregnant. I guess there’s no reason to think otherwise, though I’ve administered some self-control and haven’t peed on a stick for a week. I’m trying to decide how to calculate my beta, for what it should be. It’s on Monday, a week since the last one, which was 338. Should I be expecting it to double that whole time, every other day? Or, I thought as a pregnancy continued, it slowed down? So I’m not sure what it’s supposed to be.

I guess you could say I have some “symptoms”. First, it was my skin. For some reason today and yesterday it’s been a little better, but good lord, it itched. Everywhere. My whole body. And when something irritates my skin, my autoimmune system turns it into a hive, which is what happened on my PIO shot spots. But it’s dry in general around here, and my hands and face are dry as well. I bought a few different lotions, and so far it seems to be helping a bit. Though, my estrogen patches itched too, and putting lotion around them only caused them to move around and leave sticky crap everywhere. But anyway, it’s less itchy today. Boobs are still sore, but that’s just the progesterone. Hey, when you do the PIO shots, is it okay to stick the needle into one of those lumps that form? Because the whole circle is now a giant lump, so I don’t feel like I can avoid it. But I want to make sure the progesterone still flows around. And then, in the last three days or so, all of a sudden I feel like super-crap around dinner time. I’m starving at 5, but if dinner doesn’t happen til 6, it’s like I’m keeling over and dying. Then I eat, fast, and then I feel crappy. And I’m yawning by 7:30-8:00. And finally, last night I had some major cramping and bloating, and I was a little concerned, as the cramps really hurt a lot, but from my little bit of research I’m thinking things are just expanding in there. The cramps hurt like period cramps, but didn’t feel like them. These were lower, almost a heavy, burning type of thing. And they felt better when I sat or was lying down. So I think I’m okay.

It’s been exactly a week since my first beta, and hopefully there will be many more weeks of this to come.


2 thoughts on “The tragedy of a school shooting

  1. futuresoccermom says:

    And of course one of the problems with posting about things like this early on is that the facts change. They are now saying he broke into the school and his mother had no connection to the school. Either way, the whole situation is tragic.

  2. thefamilyvan says:

    This is so devastating and senseless. As someone who has wished for nothing but a child for the past two years, I can’t even begin to imagine how it would feel to have someone take my miracle away, and for what?

    I think as those who struggle with fertility and who are teachers, this story was doubly affecting. My heart goes out to that community. I don’t know how you even try to start healing from such an experience.

    Glad to hear things are ticking along for you. Did you have implantation bleeding? And if so, when? This is my current obsession and the lack of it is making me nervous about next week’s test.

    Stay well,

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