Consuming

Consuming in more ways than one.

First of all, I consumed at the dinner table tonight. Guys, that just doesn’t happen. I mean I sat at the table and actually ate a plate of chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans. No applesauce for this girl. Hopefully, I won’t regret that decision in an hour. Today was a very rare day where for the majority of it, I felt okay. Yesterday I spent the day on the couch and it was all I could do just to lick the yogurt spoon. And I don’t mean to complain, but it’s just hard when you don’t feel like yourself day in and day out. Not in a good way either – I mean like you have the flu. For weeks on end. I can say that I’m very much looking forward to feeling better, like today, when protein was something I could actually tolerate. Feeling sickly all the time is absolutely consuming for sure.

My students must think something’s up. I am eating nonstop. Not because I’m hungry but because I’m force-feeding. I had like 8 snacks going today – hummus and pretzels, vanilla pudding, my yogurt breakfast shake, etc. I still can’t gain any weight.

In fact, the whole “being healthy” thing is very consuming. I am very glad I picked up this book:

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It was highly recommended off the Internet and I’m learning a lot. Like, for example, I need to gain between 40-56 pounds (yikes). And nutrition is key. And I should consider myself spent (from household work, my job, etc.) at 28 weeks. I feel very weird reading it, like I snuck into my parents’ bedroom closet and grabbed something I’m not supposed to be looking at. Twin pregnancy what? Is this real life? The book is consuming. Be healthy, rest, carry those little guys as long as possible. Get a maternal-fetal specialist. Find a hospital with a Level 3 NICU.

I just have no idea what I’m doing. No clue whatsoever. We did make our hospital selection with one of the best NICU’s in the state (though hoping not to need it of course) and I have two prenatal appointments with two different groups, and I’m hoping one of them will be my doctor. Other than that, I am consumed by Zofran, food, and nausea. By the way, my insurance changed their mind and started covering Zofran. 50 pills up until that point had cost $277. So this is good now.

And then there’s this all-consuming picture:

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Not much to see I guess but at 7 and a half weeks we got two strong heartbeats flickering away. 🙂 Measuring 7 weeks 3 days and 7 weeks 2 days. It was a very good appointment and I “graduated” from my fertility doctor – so sad! I’m in the big scary world with the rest of the pregnant women out there. Like a deer in headlights.

Which brings me to my last point, a consuming group of thoughts. They are hard to put into words, but maybe you will understand anyway.

This is something that is – so nerve-wracking (as in, if something bad happens), and so very personal about being pregnant that I get this weird feeling whenever someone talks to me about the twins in an excited way. Let me clarify: it’s not when discussing facts, like “how are you feeling today?” That’s not it. And there’s not a single person we have told who I regret telling. That’s not it either. It’s just – well, here’s an example.

My in-laws are so excited, of course. They are talking about clearing their schedules in July so they can “see the babies”, and they are asking us if we want them to buy us a crib, and how receiving a million diapers at a shower was such a great present and “do you need help moving furniture?” and “Have you looked into the prices of twin strollers?” and “I could help out one day a week with daycare.” That’s just an example.

And it’s all I can do not to cover my ears and scream, “La la la la”. Totally immature, I know. What is wrong with me? In my own head, I am so excited, so hopeful, all my emotions thrown into this, but on the outside I can’t. I just can’t. It’s too freaking soon. This is why people wait to tell others until 12 weeks. That didn’t happen obviously. But cribs? Daycare? July?? I am NOT there yet. Not even remotely close. And instead of being excited when I hear others discussing this in that much detail, I become frustrated and I really don’t know why.

So what I said in response was: don’t clear your whole month of July schedules, the babies could be in the NICU and you might not be able to see them anyway (who SAYS that?), I haven’t a clue if I want them to buy me a crib, we are getting a twin stroller and eventually a twin jogging stroller, not sure if we need help with furniture and, regarding daycare, “taking care of two babies by yourself is a lot”. What I kept inside my head was, “I’d just like to reach 12 weeks please, and what if I wanted to use cloth diapers??” Negative Nancy over here. Oh, and do we want to go through my husband’s old – baby clothes, baby furniture, etc.? It’s only 28 years old! Good lord. Just back off, people! I’m currently attempting to manage the “flu” and I don’t think I want anything that’s 28 years old. Just saying. Does anyone want to know what I do actually want?? Who is this about, anyway? Okay, I’m better now. But seriously, why am I putting up a wall?

It’s almost comical, but I assumed when I was pregnant I’d turn into this hippy, daisy-loving flower child. Wearing sundresses (yes, I know it’s January and I live in New England) and rubbing my guts all the time and smiling at strangers. Did I forget who I am??? That is not me, as much as I wish it was. I keep things inside, I cover up emotions, “yes, I’m fine and if you ask me one more time I’m going to lose it”. And in my head I am praying to all the gods that these two little ‘gotes stick around for the long haul. Because I want this to happen literally more than anything else in my whole life.

You know, when I was 13, I went to my local amusement park on a “date” with my boyfriend, now husband. We were standing in line for the roller coaster with ours backs against the wall, when out of nowhere, without saying a word, my cute little boyfriend grabbed my hand for the first time and held on, and I swore right then and there that I was going to die. I thought I would surely pass out, throw up, something. It was a memorable moment that I haven’t forgotten. For weeks after I’d think of that moment and my stomach would turn and my heart would skip a beat. It was an all-encompassing, totally consuming feeling.

And that’s how I feel now, times a million.

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6 thoughts on “Consuming

  1. thefamilyvan says:

    Oh man, I totally get the Negative Nancy thing. I think after coping with infertility for so long, we get really good at turning off an element of ourselves in an attempt to protect our hearts from more heartbreak. It’s so angering–infertility takes away so much from us, that even when we get that BFP that we’ve been dreaming about for so long, the joy in that is taken away, too. I think this is really hard for non-IF’ers to understand.

    Your ultrasound picture is so beautiful! I’d be staring at that thing all the time! I know it’s easy to say, and I’m working on this, too, but try to focus on being in a place you’ve never been before, being closer to that goal than ever before. Right now, you’re pregnant with twins. That is pretty much the best thing ever.

    Big hugs to you, lady.

  2. Megan says:

    I just wanted to stop by and tell you how happy I am for you. I took a long break from reading any blogs while we went through treatments and whatnot. I am so glad that I came back to see this!

    I, too, am pregnant with twins. We started out with three heartbeats at 7 weeks, but found that we lost Baby B at our 9 weeks appointment. We are so glad that we have two strong babies and that they will have more time to bake.

    Again, this is so super amazing! ❤

  3. Shawnna says:

    So excited to see the ultrasound pic, amazing! Negative Nancy and infetility must be BFF’s, at least in my world they are. 😉 Once again, so happy for you.

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