I am 20 weeks today, and we had our second trimester scan a few days ago. Both babies were healthy, cervix looked good, no issues! And now, for the big reveal, we are having……
a BOY and a GIRL!! I am SO. excited.
When I was younger, and just assumed I’d conceive and have babies like it was nobody’s business, I didn’t want to know the sex of my first baby. It seemed like a nice surprise in the moment of giving birth, no need for rushing a good surprise, and for some people, I think that’s accurate. My own opinion changed, though, for 2 reasons. First of all, because I’m having twins. I mean – I don’t know, having two girls versus two boys is quite different and for my Type A personality, I don’t know if I could handle not knowing two babies’ sexes. More than that, though, my opinion changed going through infertility. After all the “surprises” of negative tests and failed Clomid cycles, IUI’s, etc., this was one surprise I didn’t want to wait for anymore. I think I’ve been in a state of denial the past 20 weeks, though it’s been letting up slowly but surely. It was never a denial of, “This can’t be happening to me”, because it’s been the #1 thing I’ve wanted since I can remember, and I was fully aware that it was, in fact, happening. It was more like this fear that if I got too excited, I’d take it for granted that I actually was pregnant, and if I took it for granted, it might just all go away. Totally irrational, but I think that’s what it was.
So instead, I vowed not to take it for granted, and therefore spent every waking minute thinking about it, which 1) caused unnecessary worry quite often, and 2) filled me with this overwhelming feeling that I couldn’t handle, making me more introverted and slightly cranky. People wanted to talk about it and ask me questions and I found myself not even wanting to think about the answers because my brain could not process the whole idea. Now, 20 weeks in, I’ve processed the fact of my twin pregnancy more than I have yet, not that it’s 100%, but that may not happen until they’re born. Anyway, I knew finding out the sexes would be the smartest thing I could do for myself, because it makes it more real and allows me to picture my future family. This has worked, and since the scan, my worries have mostly gone out the window (for a limited time, I’m sure). I can’t stop looking at the pictures and checking their little 3-D faces (I swear boy looks like my husband).
Like I’m said, I’m still not 100% there. In my own head and with my husband, I’m in total baby mode and loving how that feels. Out loud, though, I’m still not totally ready to pour out my emotions to anyone. This poor coworker of mine – I kind of snapped at her the other day for no reason. Actually, that happens a lot lately and it feels my internal filter has stopped working and needs a deep cleansing (very sorry, friends!). But one person in particular made a comment to me as I was heading back to my classroom during an assembly to grab a snack. She said, “Go get some food – gotta feed those babies!” And that just didn’t feel comfortable – it felt weird, like my stomach is see-through and everyone focuses on just them, when they are still so small and not here yet. And also, eating is just not something I want to be…public. I don’t know. Don’t watch me eat. Don’t tell me to have another candy because I’m eating for 3. That wasn’t this coworker – lots of people have started in on those comments. Moving on…so I said, “Feed babies? I’m feeding ME!” (In my head I was muttering something along the lines of the babies being too young to enjoy my yogurt.) And in retrospect….that was unnecessary. I’m working on that. I’m very aware that people whom I don’t know THAT well (not friends and family) are just excited for me, and therefore want to know every answer to all their questions. They also stare at my stomach before they meet my eyes, which is creepy. The whole concept is still kind of weird. It’s like when guys stare at your chest before they look at your face, except my chest has never been more than a “nearly A” cup so that never happened to me. I’m not used to it. So, yeah, I’m not 100% there yet. But coming along.
With that said, I’m a horrible liar, and therefore feel this need to answer everyone’s questions honestly when really, I don’t need to do that. The question of names is being asked, and while I don’t mind my friends and family knowing where we stand, the idea of telling everyone I know bothers me and so, I’m not doing it. We think we have the names. But I have no idea what the next <20 weeks will bring, and I don’t want a name locked down out loud only for it to change, or for someone to make a comment, or whatever. But I don’t lie well, like I said. So I’ve mentioned what we think the names are, with the comment that it could and probably will change. The one thing I’m not comfortable doing is referring to the babies by the names we are thinking about. I feel like it’s way too early for that, and in addition, it just…again, makes me uncomfortable. When they’re out, that’s when they’ll have their names. Until then, they are a baby boy and a baby girl. My fear is that in telling people what we think the names will be, they will start calling them that. You know, “How are _____ and ______ doing?” If that happens, I might cringe and actually say, please don’t call them that. Which is rude, it’s just…I’m not there.
And it’s nice to have at least ONE secret. IVF was so public. My emotions were so public. I couldn’t hide being pregnant for long. I didn’t hide the sexes. So the names are the one thing I get to keep to myself, with my husband and I rattling around different names and ideas and knowing that we don’t have to share them with the world. I like that feeling. So, I don’t plan on referring to them by what we think their names will be, at least for quite a while, both in blog world and real life, and I’m just praying no one else does either. But “boy and girl” are boring, too. I’m reminded of Robin who affectionately called her babies in utero “Apple and Banana” for Baby A and Baby B, which I thought was super-cute. Belle calls her baby “Chicken” and Sunny calls hers “Bagel”. So catchy! I’m trying to think of names that start with B and G.
Biscuit and Gravy? Blueberry and Grape? Beans and Granola? (Kidding…)
Ooh, or what about animals?
B – Bug, Bear, Bat, Badger, Boar, Beagle…. G – Goat, Goose, Goldfish, Gecko, Gopher… Hmmm… Badger and Gopher? Bug and Goat?
What do you think? I need two cute nicknames…
I still have moments of “panic” daily, usually along the lines of “What if….” and it’s something that I know I can’t control. Drink lots of water, put your feet up and rest, and that’s all you can do. I’m more than halfway there and am so excited about making it to the finish line.