This sucks.

Warning- whiny post ahead.

Day 2 of bed rest – originally categorized as “modified” but after talking with a doctor yesterday, I’d say leans more toward “strict”. This is fine, because I was making it “strict” anyway. I’m not taking any chances. But that doesn’t mean I’m not miserable.

It’s not the boredom aspect, though. Actually, while that might be an irritant, it doesn’t make me miserable. I do have some shows I could start and I’m about to become an avid book reader. Plus, I have some school-related things that can be done from my couch. So at this point, that’s not the issue.

Bed rest provides both a physical and mental challenge, both of which are driving me crazy and I’ve only just started.

Mentally, most of my thoughts are depressing. There’s the feeling of, oh, that hard stomach? That tight feeling? That exhaustion? Those times when I felt like I needed to hold my stomach from the bottom because it felt like it was going to fall out – those were all signs I was overdoing it and I didn’t know. And when I posted about how I couldn’t slow down, or I thought I was slowing down, I was unable to see that slowing down means STOP running errands, carrying things, doing chores, etc. And I didn’t.

Then there’s the feeling of both guilt and appreciation for my husband, who at this very moment is vacuuming under my reclined seat. He is taking on everything I do in this house, which amounts to all the cleaning, laundry, dog feeding, etc. not to mention fetching everything I need, from chapstick to socks to vitamins. He’s running the house himself. Not that it shouldn’t be this way – it has to be this way and he isn’t complaining in the slightest. But it’s just a lot for him too and I feel bad.

The worst mental challenge, though, is the one about my babies. This must be a common thought for everyone on bed rest, especially this early. But the fears, the what-ifs, are really hard. I’m trying not to think about them and I’m not even going to write them down. But the fear is there and it’s hard to forget. I just feel like I have so far to go.

And then there are the physical challenges. Some are quite obvious. I am getting up once every hour to go to the bathroom. That’s it. All the meals are on this couch, which I can recline to any level I’d like. But after one full day, my back already hurts. My shoulders hurt. I might’ve pulled a rib muscle or something trying to get comfortable. It’s a lot of time on my back. And a freaking SPIDER just dropped through the cushion next to me and I don’t know where it went and I can’t really get up to find it!!!

But worse, I’m slightly obsessed now with the feelings in my stomach and uterus. Was that a contraction, a Braxton Hicks or just a baby rolling? Why am I crampy after eating meals? The doctor says if I have more than 4 contractions in an hour I need to call. Well, my stomach tightens up every time I do anything! So my once an hour bathroom trips – there’s one. And then if I sneeze, there’s two. I moved to the other couch for a minute so my husband could vacuum and had one then – do I count these? Because they are due to my movement. Plus, are they even contractions? So if I just lay here, reclined, nothing will happen. I guess that’s why it’s called bed rest.

Finding the positive – it is now very clear to me that it’s a good thing I’m not working. I can’t get up without some sort of tightening in my stomach, not to mention teaching or running a talent show. Also, I’m grateful I’m not on hospital bed rest. That could happen eventually and that would really suck. And I’m learning to appreciate the little things, like sitting on a different couch so I can have a different view, and a good shower. Well, I think I’ll appreciate that. I’m borrowing a shower chair and it will be arriving in about 45 minutes. And being clean always feels good.

Anyway, there may be many more posts now that I’m couch-ridden, for probably quite a long time. And like I said, it’s only Day 2.

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6 thoughts on “This sucks.

  1. thefamilyvan says:

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, my dear. You’re right, though–it’s forcing you to take it easy FOR REAL this time. Your body knows what it needs, it just doesn’t always do a good job of telling your brain.

    I say try to enjoy this time as best you can. Spend the days watching your belly move and revel in all those little kicks and pokes. Watch TV. Spoil yourself a little. Take a bazillion naps. Goodness knows our days of lounging on a couch are numbered!

    Keep the posts coming–I’m reading them all!

  2. robin says:

    Bed rest is really, really hard. There were days when I just cried. It is really hard. I don’t even understand why, because in my head I think “sitting on the couch watching tv and surfing the internet all day.. sounds amazing!” But it’s not. It is hard, hard, hard and nobody really can prepare you for it. There’s so much guilt, so much anxiety, and so much frustration wrapped up in it. You are doing some hard work right now. ❤

  3. ozifrog says:

    If ANYONE who says “enjoy the rest while you can”, just SMACK THEM IN THE MOUTH. I HATE those people. Like you can store sleep up in time for a baby. Stupid. Like you’re not obsessing 24/7 about life & death situations. Sitting around relaxing MY ASS!!!! It is so so hard to not freak out. i know this. My suggestion is Give the what ifs small half an hour windows of time, and at the end of the allocated time, put the what ifs aside.

    Now i can certify one AMAZING benefit of bed rest. You and your husband change dynamics. It changes from maybe 70/30 housework, (In our case, me doing most), to 80/20 or 99/1. Which sounds bad. But you know what happens when there’s a baby there? (In your case two?)…you can concentrate on feeding babies, and he can keep the other balls in the air. And you’ve already adjusted to the enormous change (ie you’re tied up 18 hours a day) so the new bubs don’t impact on your marriage in the same way. I truly believe it makes the transition easier. Truly. Everyone freaked when they came to our place in the first six weeks: it was sooooo tidy! Because hub-in-boots still did his stuff, and I could pitch in during naps, we were totally on top of our game!

    Things that helped us: my sister did a fruit n veg shop every Saturday and brought it over, and I did grocery shopping online & had it delivered. It made me feel like I was contributing. And if anyone asks what you want for bub, say a good quality meal delivery service you can freeze & reheat in those early weeks :-). Or a casserole now…

    One thing I will say is I found it hard to go from “hyper-vigilant omg what was that pain” to being a mother. I spent 26 weeks expecting a loss, and 11 weeks expecting a baby. So my head just wasn’t right, I wasn’t really ready. If you can, get a counsellor / psychologist now, that you know, that has your history, so any if you have any hiccups in that transition, they can be dealt with quickly. ESPECIALLY with twins! It is hard enough going infertility to motherhood, but going infertility-yay-oh crap-motherhood is really emotionally complex. A lot of people expect you to go “hooray! Got my happy ending!”, but I didn’t feel like that.

  4. Sunny says:

    Do not for a second worry that you’re sounding whiney. This is an extremely challenging life change you are making right now (as if plain old being pregnant with twins wasn’t big enough). This is above and beyond “taking it easy” but I know you can do this!

  5. waitingonaangel says:

    It’s so hard-but some of it will be easier! I have good day and bad days-but there are definitely some aspects that get easier with time.
    The worry is the worst part for me as well-but three weeks in, with two good doctors visits, it’s better and less. If you can make it to your next doctors appt and see some positive results from bed rest- I promise you’ll feel better!! Good luck!

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