Warning: Mushy baby post ahead.
I often try to recreate in my head the feeling I felt when I was wheeled into the NICU after my c-section to see my babies for the first time. I still don’t even know what time it was – being that they were born at 10:06 at night, I assume it was the next morning. B and C were in different NICU rooms, and B’s room was first. We came around the corner, me in my wheelchair, and amidst all the other babies, there was mine. He was handed to me, and I cried. A lot. And then we went to see C, and the same thing happened. Then I asked if we could put them together for a quick picture (thank goodness somewhere in my foggy medicated head I thought to ask for this). Being that no one was hooked up to any tubes, they were okay with it. And this happened:
I imagine that the feeling I felt, and that I try to feel again in just the same way, is the same feeling a mother gets when she gives birth vaginally – when the baby is put on your chest. Same thing. It’s this insane, overwhelming, deep feeling of mine. It’s like the best Christmas gift ever, the one you’ve been waiting your whole life for. Right there for the taking. I used to try and remember that one moment so often when the babies were little and refluxy and life was tough. And as the months have gone by, I’ve thought of it less and less. But I still remember it, especially today. Today’s their birthday.
What’s scary to me is that the moment – not the memory of it but the feeling that went with it – is harder to feel, the more time that goes by. I’m afraid it will go away permanently one day, and then what? Then I reminisce about the babies’ first birthday? I say to my husband, “Remember the day the twins turned five”? Or even crazier still – the day they graduate high school, or get married..or…etc.
I can’t imagine that there will ever be any better memory, or any better feeling, than when my wheelchair came around that corner. And honestly, I really, really don’t want to forget it, because single-handedly, that moment was the best one of my entire life.
Anyway. The past year has been exhausting, mostly. And it’s had its challenging stages, such as the one we’re in right now. But the lows were never low – nothing with these babies can ever be that bad, because they’re here and they’re our kids.
So yes, today was their birthday. We didn’t do anything special – their party is this weekend. But of course, today was the day C decided to (for the first time ever) skip her first nap. Okay. She made it until noon, which is when most kids who take just 1 nap go down, so fine. But she only slept an hour and a half. And then she was a BEAR the rest of the day. So today we worked off C’s schedule. With that said, she was extra sensitive and cried when we gave them their little smash cakes (we didn’t even sing!) and when she opened up her present (a doll – apparently with a scary face). It was just one of those days for her.
The day started fine, with some silly babies who won’t sit still and give me blurry pictures!
But C just had an off day, as you can see.
We enticed both babies to touch their little smash cakes by putting peas on them – and it helped, tho neither ever dug into the cakes. Just gentle pokes! So boring!
B was into staring at his cake, but not much else. He had two nice naps, so he was in a pleasant mood! After C got upset, we revisited the cake in a different, less pressured way.
The babies opened up their new dolls and B gave his doll a million kisses and lots of hugs, which was adorable. And on the way home as we expected, C napped.
Happy Birthday, sweet babies.