*Warning: Poop post ahead!
I figured, since this has happened the last two nights in a row, and a handful of other times before that, I’m a pro now and can therefore write a blog post on the subject. How do you, exactly, give two toddlers a bath when one has a poop ‘splosion?
In our world, it goes a little something like this:
As I’m upstairs prepping their bedroom for nighttime, I hear “Abort! Help! Mama!” This is my husband in his desperate plea for my assistance. I run downstairs, I burst into the bathroom. Two toddlers are still sitting in the tub while poop starts to separate and float in all directions. They start to point and reach. We throw down towels. Pick up one toddler, dry off their feet and legs at least. If not, they’ll run out of the bathroom and slip on the floor, and yes this has happened (twice) and yes we felt terrible.
Pick up other toddler, dry off feet and legs. They run squealing out of the room. Husband keeps an eye on the naked toddlers sprinting around the house. The tub is draining. SO. VERY. SLOWLY. I bare-hand the big pieces (with a piece of toilet paper, which doesn’t work at all) and chuck them, dripping, into the toilet. I’m in a rush so I forget to roll my sleeves up. My work shirt gets wet with poop water. My socks are soaked from the water on the floor. C brings me the paper towels about 5 minutes too late. I use them anyway to pull back the chunks and pieces of toilet paper from the drain. After a few rounds of this, I start to become de-sensitized. I mean, there’s whole pieces of whatever they ate floating in there. I start to see food rather than poop. I get more paper towels. I clear the tub drain. I gather more chunks. I pluck out the 57 toys that were in there and toss them into a bucket or in the sink to be bleached later. Why do we have some many damn toys??
B comes in and watches the little chunks slowly drain. “Oooh!” he comments. I say, “Yes, that’s yucky. See the water spinning?” “Yuh” (yuck), B replies. He nods in agreement, the water is spinning. Truly fascinating. Finally the water is gone. I take more paper towels, do a quick wipe to get the last pieces out. I spray the tub with a tub cleaner. I wipe it. I rinse the tub out with the shower nozzle. Put the drain back in. Start the water. Find new toys. Get two babies covered in dried up poopy water back in the tub for round 2. Check the floors for any pee that may have escaped while the naked hallway races were going on. Keep the dogs away, as they’re dying to sniff and inspect. Start washing toddlers. Pray the other one doesn’t poop. After it’s all over, I tell myself there’s no way this could happen again tomorrow night.
It’s times like these that I really feel like a parent. This is what we signed up for, right?