6 DPO; “heal”, “soft”, “love”.

I’ve been playing with fire. I’ve been pushing the limits. I’ve been….Googling every little “symptom” I may or may not have. Why? Why would I put myself through this? It’s torture!

It’s torture because I have a few “symptoms” and I didn’t even notice that I’ve been walking around, internally strutting my stuff because in my mind, I’m pregnant.

It’s very dangerous, and I know that. Some days I swear it has to be true, other days (like today) I wake up and think, “What are you doing?” Can’t I focus on something else for two weeks?

Those of you who have been down this road many times before know how foolish I’ve been, and I agree. I had so many months of not ovulating at all. This is only my second time dropping an egg. So yeah, my hopes go way, way up. Especially when I got the timing down very well. The more times I ovulate, I imagine the less I will get my hopes up. I’m trying not to do that, but it is proving impossible.

There’s no going back. I’ve already caused possible future damage, imagining when I will be telling family (Easter is coming up..) and which coworker friends are going to know soon, and even daydreaming of that 8-week ultrasound, to see a healthy little bean. This is all very stupid of me. Very, very stupid.

I’m not even going to mention my little symptoms, because that would give them more credit than I’m sure they deserve. They come and go, anyway. Talk to me in a week, though, and maybe I’ll be singing a different tune. Until then – back to the photo challenge!

I’m a few days behind. Behold, “heal”.

For me, “healing” comes in the form of two specific places; Maine (first picture), and Cape Cod. For those who don’t know this about me, I’m a total sap. Not like a “cry at the movies” kind of sap – but a nature sap. Being certain places in nature makes me listen extra hard for the quiet, peaceful, calmness that in turn makes me feel quiet, peaceful, and calm. I love the smells, the breeze, etc. Whenever I can find myself in a place like this I imagine an internal new-age song playing in my head. In college, being homesick, I frequently imagined walking through an open field with N, taking in the side of a white picket fence and strolling hand in hand. I mean, this nature sap thing runs deep. These particular places are two of my favorites. I try to go to to both at least once a year. My grandfather lives in Maine, and the top picture is off his dock, looking at the lake. At his house, the world is perfectly silent, except for an occasional loon, and we play cards and read until we fall fast asleep with full bellies. It’s my idea of perfection, basically.

The Cape holds many memories, as I went there on vacation every year as a child and teenager. I look forward to having enough money in a few summers to rent my own cottage there for a week, hopefully with children digging in the sand beside me.

Having the opportunity to be in places like this keep me recharged. Whatever might be going on is promptly healed after spending a few days in a place like these. Right now, I’m in need of a recharge. Unfortunately, I won’t be going back to Maine until at least May, and Cape Cod, probably the summer.

Now, onto “soft”. I have a very soft blanket I thought I could mention, but I’d rather take this as an excuse to show off soft, by way of furry.

These puppies of mine are very soft. Sadie’s head is especially soft, but her back isn’t, because she has a few layers of fur. The top layer is a little coarse. Riley’s whole body is soft, as she only has one thin layer of fur. Riley’s picture is not recent, as you can see all the grass behind her. And you can clearly notice the quality! Top picture – iphone. Bottom picture – good camera. Oh well. You get the idea.

Finally, “love”. So many options here, but I’ve decided to go with this one:

My wedding day was one of the best days of my life. Seriously, it was perfect. There’s that nature piece again. I knew I wanted to experience those nature-provided feelings on my wedding day, and it was beautiful. We’ve been married two and a half years, and this trying-for-a-baby thing wouldn’t have even happened had we not fell in love and gotten married. Before children, there will always be the two of us.

“Purple”

Before I get to the photo challenge for the day, let me update on my ovulation chart.

I am still confused. Here is my chart:

Ignore those first 30 days…Clomid 50 mg decided not to work the second time around, so I “stair stepped”. Ignore the three positive OPK’s…it’s really more like two, but it doesn’t matter. The second one was the big one. So here’s my confusion: Fertility Friend confirmed what I always thought to be true – that you ovulate on the day of your low temp, the day before your temp jumps. That’s what I have thought all along, and it looks like many of you have, too. Fertility Friend agrees.

Here’s where the problem comes in. It’s not the OPK’s. I know that they can be somewhat unreliable, and so I’ve taken that with a grain of salt. The issue is my nurse. I had my blood taken on the day of the temp jump (CD 40…though really CD 19). She called me, that day, and said these exact words, “Today’s the day. It looks like you are surging today.” I took that to mean I ovulated that day. I suppose that may not be true but that’s the way I interpreted it. Therefore, she was saying I ovulated the day of my temp jump, not the day before. Maybe my nurse is wrong, and if so, that’s a bit problematic. But she sounded so sure. My count of whatever must have been high.

Does this really matter in the end? Well, not really. But, I was trying to go for a perfect Fertility Friend score. Do you guys know what I’m talking about? Fertility Friend has this pregnancy monitor, and if you have sex three days, two days, and one day before ovulation, plus the day of, and the day after, you get a perfect score. Chances would be “very high” that I would be pregnant. If I ovulated on the day of the temp jump, I would have a perfect score. But with Fertility Friend telling me I ovulated the day of my low temp, I only received a “high” score. Ha. I’m being so picky about it.

That’s just me looking for every little sign that this may actually work.

Now that I’m in the TWW, and loving that I’m finally here, I have paid Google a visit. I swear it didn’t damage me..I’m fine. I did want to know about the insane amount of creamy CM I’ve had since I ovulated. Like, an insane amount. You know, I was just curious. Just…passing the time. NBD. And I found this link. If you are feeling down and frustrated, I don’t recommend looking at this. It checks the most ridiculous of early pregnancy symptoms, and let’s you know how many people have reported those symptoms. I almost wish I didn’t find it. But I did…so…

Regardless of what happened exactly, I ovulated, for sure, and our timing was good. We will see what happens.

Today was one of those days. It’s baby-palooza, let me tell you. All of a sudden, everyone and their mother is pregnant. Someone I work with announced her pregnancy today. I’m very happy for her, and I told her so. But I practically broke in a cold sweat as she said, “I just wanted to let you all know that…” My hands started shaking. Seriously, take it easy!

Then, hours later, we were out at recess, with some other staff members who are not normally out when I am out there. One woman was talking to the newly pregnant coworker, and then she said, “It would be so fun to have a lot of babies around here. Who’s next? Megan?” Really? Seriously? Honest to God. Here we go again. I decided to take the bull by the horns and I said, slightly sarcastically, “Yeah..workin’ on it.” That kept her quiet. I’m trying, okay? I’ve been trying. I needed medical intervention. You just don’t ask those questions!! And while this process has been very frustrating for me, there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. What if I was really going through the ringer? You don’t know, when you ask a question like that, what people have gone through. That’s why you don’t ask. Oh well, now she knows. She can go and tell everyone if she’d like, I don’t care. I’m trying. I’ve been trying. Right now we can all focus on my coworker. It’s her time in the limelight.

Who knows, maybe I’ll have a huge positive secret to keep in a few weeks, rather than a negative one. That would be pretty nice.

Okay, on to the photo challenge. “Purple” was tougher than I thought it would be. I love purple. It’s one of my favorite colors, and I wear a lot of dark, plum purple. However, taking a picture of one of my shirts wasn’t doing it for me, so I started looking around the house for something purple. This was the best I could do:

Yes, this is a vacuum. But not just any vacuum. It’s brand new – we got it yesterday, using our credit card points. This vacuum is supposed to be top of the line in removing animal fur. This is a big problem in my house. As you can see, we have mostly hardwood floors. Dog fur is everywhere. We do vacuum every weekend but it’s not enough. This is supposed to be really good, so we will see. Either way, it’s purple.

Is this week over yet?

 

Cluck, cluck.

I am such an idiot. More on that in a few minutes.

Thank you for all of the comments and thoughts regarding my funky “maybe” ovulation stick. Unfortunately, I did not have any more digital tests to use, and I was not able to poas that afternoon to be sure.

Then, yesterday morning, this happened:

That is a beautiful sight, is it not? One of my closest friends uses these cheaper, non-digital sticks, and she once told me, “When it’s positive..you’ll know.” She was right. The test line, on the right, showed up before the control line. It literally popped out within 10 seconds. As you can see, the test line is darker than the control line. Hell’s yes.

Also, yesterday, my temp jumped, from 96.9 to 97.5. In addition, I had cramps like NO OTHER. Seriously, it was unreal. It was horribly painful. Let’s talk about this ovulation pain for a minute. No doubt about it – it’s the best pain I’ve felt in a long time. That’s a happy pain, right there. When the pains first started, on Saturday, it was some dull cramping on my right side. “Yes,” I thought, “I’m ovulating!”. Then, Sunday, the cramping continued, becoming slightly more intense. I realized it hadn’t happened yet, and I had that almost-positive stick, which I showed you in the last post. Then, yesterday, after that beautiful stick, a temp jump, and a trip to the doctor’s to get my blood done, I was excited to get this voicemail after work. “Today’s the day!” the nurse said, “You are surging right now.” And my cramping became unreal. It turned into a sharp, stabbing pain, mostly on my right side, but then later, on my left.

So, I was a hot mess yesterday. Anxious, excited, beside myself, basically. I couldn’t even write a post about it. I know I seriously need to chill when I lay an egg, but see, it’s only my second time dropping one, and it’s so exciting!! And I didn’t want to blow the opportunity.

I did not tell N. He did ask if the nurse called, and I said, “Yes, but I thought you didn’t want to know.” He was hemming and hawing and I decided I did not want him to know when exactly I am ovulating, because last time that caused some nerves that I would rather avoid this time around. I said, “What I’ll tell you is that I am going to ovulate this cycle, but I’m not telling you when. I hope you can hold out for the long haul.” I’m a horrible liar and I’m not sure if he saw right through it. But I made him believe I will be ovulating later in the week when, really, it was last night. That said, we’re going to follow the nurse’s orders and try tonight too, but then I’m going to tell him the truth.

So why am I an idiot? Okay, correct me if I’m wrong ladies, and I obviously must be, but I have read in about 5,000 places in the last year that once your temp jumps, you have already ovulated. It doesn’t hurt to try that day, but it’s most likely over. This is why they say charting your BBT is not the best way to pinpoint when you are going to ovulate, but it’s great at telling you after the fact. You know, because once your temp jumps, it’s after the fact. Has anyone else read this besides me? Boy, was I dead wrong. I mean, totally, completely wrong. Here’s the truth (which you all may already know):the day your temp jumps is the day you ovulate. How did I not know that? I thought it was the day before your temp jumps. But no, because I got my positive stick on temp jump day, and the nurse said I was surging on temp jump day, and that’s when I could literally feel my ovary(ies?) burst and release that sucker – that’s the day to do it, people! So, last time I ovulated, I completely missed the boat. I really did.

I have to thank my ovaries (and, no doubt, this double dosage of Clomid) for letting me know days in advance, through cramping, that I was going to ovulate. Without the pain indicators, I might have missed it. Therefore, we tried ever since I had my pain….and the night before that (coincidence). Because I thought I might be ovulating when I first felt the pain, we kept going straight through. So….Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today. The timing seems exactly right, but I am a little concerned that by having it work out like that, the sperm count may have depleted a bit. He has a healthy count, so hopefully that is not a problem. We definitely covered our bases, I think. I keep over-analyzing it in my head, the timing, but I’m going to just say other than maybe having it too much, the timing looks just right.

My mind has occasionally wandered to that pain in my left ovary. Is it possible I laid two eggs? While all I really want is a healthy pregnancy, the thought of two eggs dropping, and meeting up with two sperms, makes my head spin. Holy crap. I got this idea in my head, besides from the pain, because of a blogger’s post I recently read. (I really want to give this person credit right now, but I clearly read too many blogs, and I can’t remember whose it was! Help?) This blogger was also on Clomid and was being monitored by ultrasound by her RE. Her RE found she had four dominant follicles forming on CD 10, and the RE told her she might want to consider skipping this cycle, because of a high risk of multiples. She was on the fence about it. This left me with a thought. My RE doesn’t do ultrasound check-ups for someone not having an IUI, and said the blood test is good enough. Who knows how many eggs I just dropped? Probably one, maybe two, but what if it was more than that? Double dose of Clomid, double the pain…who knows? I wasn’t monitored. And after that pain in the other ovary I started to wonder. Either way, it doesn’t matter to me, and I’ll find out eventually if I am actually pregnant.

After tonight, the waiting really begins. I’m already breaking all of the rules, by being so.freaking.excited. I think the timing was right, I definitely “super” ovulated…I did all I could. I will not google anything..yet. I’m good right now. I can wait. Meanwhile, I will go to bed crossing all of my fingers and toes that this will actually turn into something for me. Talk about getting your hopes up too soon. What am I doing?? But I can’t help it. I’m clearly still beside myself. Stupid body. I do not release eggs on my own. That really sucks. But Clomid helps (though apparently only every other cycle..) I am counting on Clomid to get me pregnant. Soon.

I’m too excited to even think much about the photo challenge. Tomorrow, when it’s all over, I’ll be back to it.  Besides, yesterday and today was “commute” and “challenge”. I don’t have much for a commute (10 minutes, suckas!) but I’ll give you a challenge. This picture, above, was a challenge. That stick was challenging me to attempt to make a baby. We faced the challenge head on. Here’s hoping for a miracle.

“Illuminate”, with a question

Illuminate. This one is a bit of a hard one. I know what it means, but I wasn’t sure how to illustrate this in my own life. However, I think I’ve found what will do the trick:

Again, crappy quality on my cell phone. I’ll let you know when there’s a picture posted from my good camera, though I’m sure you’ll be able to see the difference. Anyway, here’s my version of “illuminate”. I talked about candles in my post yesterday, so it’s fitting. I love Yankee Candles. This can be blamed on my mother, who has a history of loving Yankee Candles. In fact, she almost burned the house down one time from a candle catching onto a dried flower wreath. My sister and I ran screaming from the house, hiding in the car and crying our eyes out. I was probably 13, my sister was 6. My two parakeets were upstairs in my bedroom and I was sure they’d be dead – screw my parents, save the birds! My father grabbed the fire extinguisher and covered the whole living room in that white powder stuff. Super mess. The fire was out, but every single toy and item in that room had to be taken out on the front lawn and hosed down. No fire department necessary, but I’m sure the neighbors thought we were nuts.

Even after that incident, though, my mother has collected, and burned, Yankee Candles. She must have 20. Now that I am in my own house, I have about 8 or so. I love to burn candles with certain scents for certain seasons, so you can see why Apple Cider is a current hit right now. Yesterday, I burned “Icicles” and “Sparkling Snow” together for a soft, wintery, light scent. I’m all about it. These candles “illuminate” my house on a daily basis, contributing to that “homey”, “cozy” feel I was talking about yesterday.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, now I have a question for all of you out there. You know, for me, ovulation comes around once every 50-100 days (ha) and it’s so rare that I actually get to have a question regarding my ovulation, but today, I do!

What is your take on this?

This was a few minutes ago. The top, cheaper stick (stupid cheap ones) sure seems to show the test line and the control line as the same. I suppose you could say the test line is slightly lighter, but just barely. The bottom, my last smiley face stick, shows no smiley. One looks positive, the other clearly negative. What do you make of that??

There is something else, too. I had cramping all yesterday. I found that the pain was localized mostly to my right side. Last time I ovulated, it was on my left side! I’ve never been so happy to feel cramps. But they really felt like…ovulation pains. Yesterday morning’s stick was not even close to positive, so I know I didn’t miss it. Today’s looks promising, especially after yesterday’s cramping. But the smiley faces are usually not wrong. My temps are also very low – it all looks perfect! It’s CD 18, so it could actually be happening! But what gives with the stupid OPK’s?

Tomorrow morning I go for a blood test (even though it’ll only be CD 19) to see if I’m ovulating or what. It’ll be nice to have an actual answer. If she says there’s no ovulation in sight I may just scream. I’ll keep you posted.

Stair-stepping.

It’s been a trying few days. Worse than I originally imagined. That said, let me first stop and say that everyone has a story, and there are people going through horrible, devastating things right now. While I did not know about her blog previously, I have found many bloggers mentioning her today and her baby, so I will keep her in my mind as well. Everyone has a situation, but the things that happen in our lives just occur at different times.

This past weekend, I was supposed to ovulate. Determined to make it happen this cycle, I had our timing down perfectly, without telling the husband when or if I was ovulating. I’ve consulted my chart like a champ for the past week and a half. I’ve used OPK’s – both the cheaper versions and the rest of my digitals – twice a day, every day, for the last week and a half. Remember my optimism? I was telling myself, just a few weeks ago, this will happen this time. I can feel it.

Ha. What I could feel was a whole lotta nothin’. I’ve already written that post, so I’ll skip over the details. I didn’t ovulate. Clomid didn’t work, even though it did work the first cycle.

So this morning I called the nurse. She called me back while I was on the treadmill at the gym. I made sure to call first thing, to allow time for them to do whatever they wanted, because I know most of these ultrasounds and blood tests need to be done in the morning. Well, she said I needed to get down there, now, for a blood test and ultrasound. I was excited – I hadn’t planned on an ultrasound. I told her I was at the gym, and would there be time to shower? No, because they were almost done doing their ultrasounds for the day. So I hurried into my car, sweating like a beast, and she called me again. They aren’t going to do the ultrasound today, after all, the guy who does them has already left, it’s too late. I could go for the blood test, though. Depending on the results, I could go in tomorrow morning (I have today and tomorrow off from school) for the ultrasound.

I got the blood taken. Late this afternoon, I got the call back. Not only did I not ovulate, there was no ovulation in sight. A failed Clomid cycle. However, the doctor would like to bump me up to the next dosage of Clomid, 100mcg.  I asked if I still needed the ultrasound tomorrow – no, the numbers show that there’s nothing happening in there. Then I asked how I would be monitored in my next cycle. She said I would have a CD 21 blood test done. I asked about an ultrasound, just for piece of mind. I told her, frankly, that we’ve been trying like crazy the last week and a half and I spent a lot of money on OPK’s. She literally laughed out loud and said, “Are you tired?” I chuckled with her – she wasn’t being mean, I think she thinks I’m crazy. She may be right. You know I don’t “go with the flow” – I don’t even know the meaning of that phrase. She told me not to bother with OPK’s, to just BD for fun, every other day-ish, and they would monitor it with the blood test. Well, I’m glad for the blood test, but let me tell you, I’m not about to throw my charting, OPK’s, and timed BD-ing out the window. It’s just not happening, it’s not in my nature, I can’t do it. But she doesn’t need to know that.

So then I said, “Okay, so are you going to fax in a prescription for Provera?” She goes, “What? No – you’re going to start it today.” Huh? What do you mean, today? She said it’s called “Stair-stepping”, a relatively new practice. I put two and two together and drew this conclusion – a period is meant to release the egg and all the crap that went with it. Given my numbers, I’m guessing I had no egg development whatsoever. So there’s no need to have a period. So all of a sudden, today went from CD26 to CD5. I take my first Clomid tonight. Is this Clomid cycle 2? 3? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy to have skipped an unnecessary 17 days of waiting. 10 on Provera, 2 to get my period, 5 until Clomid. I’m happy to have ditched that. But could this even work? Who gets pregnant on Clomid when they take it twice in one cycle?? Anyone out there heard of this before?

There’s something else consuming my mind 24/7, and sharing it with ovulation woes makes for some weird thoughts. My father is still in the ICU. As I mentioned the other day,  he had his gallbladder taken out on Friday. It turned out to be gangrenous, and the surgeon said it was one of the worst he’s ever seen. My father had been feeling unusually fine, with just some pain, when he could’ve been way sicker. He had no idea. That said, it was a successful surgery. But my father has not come out of the anesthesia, and today is Day 3 like this. Basically, he is being kept heavily sedated. When they lower the dosages a little to try to bring him out of it, he is “agitated and unresponsive”. I haven’t been to see him, but I am in contact through texts with his GF. I imagine he’s aggressive, trying to rip out the wires and whatnot. But this isn’t really him. In other words, the anesthesia has messed with his brain, and he’s not reacting right, or coming out of it properly. So they keep trying, he keeps reacting that way, and they put him back under. They have given him a battery of tests – blood tests, a CAT scan, an MRI, and an EEG. I haven’t heard about the EEG yet, but all the rest have been completely normal. I had feared the gangrene had spread into his blood, which would be an absolute nightmare. It didn’t, which is probably a miracle in itself, given how bad the gallbladder was. So this has nothing to do with it – it’s a strange reaction to anesthesia. But this is Day 3, like I said. And the more time goes by, the more I’m worried. I’m hoping there was no brain damage. So today I’ve been in basically a constant state of nausea, one of my signs of stress. I’m trying not to freak out. He might be transferring hospitals tomorrow to one way bigger with more tests and doctors, but we will see. Yes, I’ve had the awful thoughts that I’m not even going to type right now. Then I’ve had the thought that when he comes out of this I’m going to kick his ass for scaring the crap out of me. Definitely didn’t see all of this coming, and I wasn’t emotionally prepared. Luckily I’ve got a “no drama” husband, who tells me not to worry, nothing worse has happened, he’s being monitored, he’ll be fine. So tonight I’m going to go with that.

Like I said, it’s been a trying few days. CD5, here we come.

Should I give up on this cycle?

Warning: What you’re about to read is a post I probably shouldn’t write, for a few reasons. 1) By giving in to these thoughts, I’m going to feel even worse. 2) I may feel better in a few hours, hopefully this won’t last all day. 3) Maybe a miracle will occur in the next few days and I’ll wish I never wrote it in the first place.

Oh well.

My egg isn’t coming out. I can’t sleep. I’m over-eating. Tears are being fought back. I’m so discouraged.

Let me explain. Today is CD 24. It’s supposed to be ovulation day. Last cycle, my first one on Clomid, it was. But that was after 2 days of positive OPK’s, on CD 22 and 23. I had pains on one side. I had a CD 21 blood test, where the nurse let me know ovulation was coming. This time, none of that happened. This time, I’m really frustrated.

I’m going to take a  little anger out on my nurse. Unlike other nurses who work for other doctors in that practice, she gave me no words of wisdom. Just called in my prescription. She turned me down for a CD 21 blood test. (Obviously, I know what the outcome of that would’ve been, but at least she could tell me a number to go a long with my guesses.) She has never monitored my little eggs via ultrasound, and I know a lot of people that get that done. I want that done.

But what I’m more frustrated about is my cycle. I don’t think I’m ovulating. And yes, it happens. I gave in to Google to feed my depression and found lots of people who didn’t ovulate on the second round (and were consequently moved up to the next dose). I have negative OPK’s still, and I’m using both the digital and the cheap kind, twice a day each, to be sure. Negative. I don’t have pains on one side, like I did last time. I don’t have the proper CM – there’s a lot of it, and hard to categorize, but I wouldn’t say that it’s exactly EWCM. And my temps – they let me down today. They had been exactly the same as last cycle, to the day, for the past week. I couldn’t believe how accurate it was with the last cycle. Until today. Today, it should’ve gone down a little, to 97.3, in order to jump tomorrow. Instead, it went up to 97.6. Yesterday it was 97.5. Not high enough for an ovulation jump, not low enough to be ovulation day. It’s not happening today. I don’t think it’s happening in the near future. And not that I mind giving it some practice with my husband, but we’ve been giving it our all this week. I thought this was the week. And I was ready for today, and tomorrow. That would be about one straight week, every single day. The pressure was off, we were doing everything right. And for nothing?

I can barely sleep. First of all, using Preseed is messy (we’ll leave it at that). An awesome, much needed product, but messy. So every single night this past week, I’ve been waking up a few times  to deal with that. When I wake up to take my thyroid meds at 5:00, I normally fall back to sleep quickly. This week? You know what’s on my brain as soon as the alarm goes off. Today, I tossed and turned until I got up at 6:45. From 5:00-6:45. I didn’t fall asleep until 11:00 (which is late for me). I can’t get a good night’s sleep, because I can’t stop thinking/worrying about this.

I have not had a good, long, actual cry about any of this infertility once. Not once. Until yesterday. And today. Up until this point, my issues felt too silly to be crying about. I’ll have my babies someday. Try not to be dramatic.

But as I KNEW would happen, I got my hopes up. Way up. It was the only way to keep a level head, waiting those three weeks after AF for ovulation. I swore I would make it happen this time, because I would control our end of things perfectly. And I did. Our timing would be perfect. But no.

And you know what? If I had ovulated, and had messed up the timing, I’d be upset about that, too. But here’s the real question: WHY is this happening to me in the first place?? Why am I going through this? The one thing in my life I have wanted and dreamed about more than any other is to be a mother. I do not understand why this is happening to me. And slightly more scary – I can’t get it out of my head that my auto-immune problems may be at work, here. I am not healthy. I appear to be, but I’m not. Because if I was healthy, then the only thing I would need to do is take my Synthroid every morning. But no. I have auto-immune hives. I’ve had to cut out regular sugar and wheat from my diet to avoid them. And even then they come around occasionally. I have tested positive for some other auto-immune issue, not thyroid related. I have to see a doctor about that, and I keep putting it off, because I’m afraid to hear what it is. What’s next? That I have rheumatoid arthritis at age 27, and this, plus the thyroid, plus the hives, explains why I can’t seem to ovulate like a normal person? Or are those issues separate, and when I’m finally pregnant someday, I’m going to be high-risk? What the hell!?

Clomid doesn’t seem to be working. No, I don’t want to keep trying it this way. Bring on the injections, the ultra sounds, the whatever. Just don’t have me spend tons of money on OPK’s and try my husband’s and my patience day after day, even when we’re tired, and it’s been a long day, but no, keep going, because ovulation is almost here. I seriously cannot keep going through that.

And now I can’t decide. Try again today? I have one thing, one little sign – some dull cramping. Not on a particular side. Just in general. Like the beginning of a period. But that’s it – my only sign. Is it worth it to try today, and tomorrow too? Or give up? Should I give up on this cycle?

I will definitely be calling my nurse on Monday morning.

Where is my egg??

Ugh. This build-up to ovulation thing is exhausting. (So much for Thankful Thursday.)

I haven’t got much to say, because there’s only one thing on my mind: ovulation.

It’s CD 22. One day past three weeks from my last period. Last cycle, on CD 22, I got my first smiley face. On CD 23 the same happened, and on CD 24, I ovulated. This cycle, the last week or so has been exactly like last cycle. My temps have been exactly the same, to the day, that they were last cycle, including this morning. However, there are a few things that haven’t happened yet:

I did not get a smiley face today, and I was really hoping for one. I have not had cramps on one side of me, like I did last time, to let me know that it was my left side releasing the egg. Nothing. My CM is not quite egg-white (sorry, TMI), and I was expecting it to be.

What the heck??

I’m not worrying about it too much, as I’m still banking on it happening in two days. I’ve been planning as such, and DH and I are in the middle of a marathon, gearing up for the home stretch. I’m making sure to cover all my timing bases, so to speak, and leaving no days around O time unturned! But if O doesn’t happen when I thought it would (ie, Saturday), I don’t know how much longer we will be able to continue without a break!

I actually look forward to the TWW, when I can say I did all I could, and got my timing down wonderfully. If those two things happen, I will be content for the next two weeks. And of course, trying to keep up the optimism, I’m still attempting the thought: “This will happen for me this cycle. Clomid is going to work.” I sure hope so. But where is my egg???

Come on, egg, let’s get this thing started.

I’m not in a funk.

I’m not in a funk. Don’t worry. However, this is the same time during my last cycle that I was in a funk, and I know why. It’s CD 17, and there are no signs of ovulation. I’m not overly concerned, not yet anyway, because I did not ovulate on Clomid Round 1 until CD 24. But that’s still a week away. Last cycle at this time, I was sure it wasn’t going to happen at all, and that it would be a waste of a cycle. This time, I’m telling myself I’ll apparently ovulate around the same time, so no panicking until after CD 24. So, like I said, I’m not in a funk. But geez, this waiting to ovulate thing. Why couldn’t I have taken Clomid days 3-7, and therefore ovulated earlier? Why has my nurse just shoved the pills at me and basically said, “Good luck”?

Plus, I’m using those cheaper, non-digital OPK’s now, and I want to know: Are they accurate? My second line in the morning is always very faint, but visible. In the afternoons it isn’t visible at all. Am I drinking too much water after lunch? I’ve been holding off going to the bathroom from noon to at least 4:00, sometimes later, but I do have some water in between. Is that okay?

My temperature was the exact same four days in a row, which is always concerning regarding the quality of the thermometer, but that same thermometer worked great last cycle. Just to check, I used  it last night, and got a different reading. Phew, it does work. Then this morning’s temp – the same temp as last night!

Here is what it comes down to. I just want to be sure I am doing absolutely everything in my power to make this baby. Even if it doesn’t happen, I want to know that I did everything I could. That  means I can’t mess up 1) my temps, 2) observing my CM, 3) my BD timing, and 4) reading my OPK’s.

Right now my temps are acting oddly, my CM is constant but not what I’m looking for, my BD timing is…well, okay so far. A few days-in-a-row and a few every-others, and my OPK’s…well the second line is barely there. That’s all fine and good as long as it’s correct. As long as I’m not making an error. I’ll go ahead and wait until next weekend, when it should be time, and then we will try with all our  mights.

This cycle, as I have said before, I’m not telling  my husband when I get the smiley face, or now, the second line. That was way too much pressure for him last time. He doesn’t want to know. That’s fine with me, actually. But it does make it quieter around here. In the past few years, and especially months, we have talked about everything regarding TTC. Everything. He hears it all, and we talk about it. Now that he doesn’t want to know, I don’t have much to share regarding that. Oh well. One more week and then after that, then I may start panicking. I’ll be calling up my nurse and cursing her out for not getting me that CD 21 blood test.

As I re-read this post, I think to myself, “Holy teacher!” Talk about controlling. I’ve always been that way – a total teacher by nature. Slightly Type-A, with both feet planted firmly on the ground, saying, “Okay, how can I fix this? How can I change this? How can I control this?” I guess I picked the right career, at least. And of course, after a certain point, I can’t control it, and that drives me absolutely insane.

I wasn’t going to post today, actually. I have spent the last few hours in the Saturday morning dawn doing some “blog business” – that is, scouting the internet for new blogs. I used the blogroll on Stirrup-Queens site, found a few areas that might match me, and clicked away. Can I just tell you how many times I clicked on a link to a blog where the person was pregnant? Not only that, but at least 5 I clicked on were pregnant with twins? Or had just given birth to twins? These blogs were in the wrong section, obviously. But seriously. I think in two hours of searching I found one, maybe two blogs, that were in a similar place I am now, that were not pregnant. Is everyone getting pregnant right now?? Needless to say, I didn’t have much luck this morning.

You guys would know better than I would, anyway. So if you know of a great blog that you’d like to share, I would love to check it out!

“Did I just hear you say you were pregnant?”

There’s something about Thursdays. I don’t know what it is, but when I wake up on Thursday mornings, I anticipate having a good day (or at least decent), and blogging about what I am thankful for in my life. I’d complete this ideal day with a smile on my face.

For whatever reason, my Thursdays are never like this, proving to be very difficult in writing a “thankful” post. That said, tonight I’ve decided to split my post up into two separate trains of thought, so that I won’t feel like so much of a hypocrite while I complain/vent in a post meant to be thankful.

Guess which post this is?

This week has not been the best, work-wise. While I’m not going to go into it, I’ll simply say that it’s been more stressful than normal, leaving me to come home late, get immediately into sweatpants and heave loud, long sighs into the air while stuffing my face with Tostitos chips. Here’s what has happened today, in addition to these work-woes:

1) At lunch, my teacher friends and I were discussing pregnancy cravings. One of my friends had a jar of pickles, and mentioned she craved them when she was pregnant with her son. Then a few others joined in the conversation, I mentioned my mother had a problem with orange juice, and it was all well and good. Well, there were a lot of people in that lunchroom. One person in particular, I have known a few years, but not personally. I know nothing about her, and she knows nothing about me. As the conversation dwindled and I got up to go to the bathroom, she stopped me on my way out the door, had me lean in close, and said, “Did I just hear you say you were pregnant?”

Yup, that’s me. I’m not showing or anything, but you know what? You found out my secret – congratulations! Oh yeah, and you were the very first person I was dying to tell. Thanks for asking.

Seriously?? I do not even KNOW this person! Little does she know how much I think about getting pregnant, and how badly I want to. How it literally hurts, physically, sometimes, when I see a baby or watch Up All Night. Here’s a thought – if I was lucky enough to be pregnant right now, why on earth would she think I would tell her, when I’d clearly be in the early stages, in a lunchroom full of people, being someone I do not even know??

I simply uttered a loud, resounding, “No…Nope!” and proceeded to walk out without another comment. When I got back from the bathroom, she was gone. There are some things you just don’t say. You know, like “How far along are you?” when you’re not sure if the person is pregnant or not. Or when you hear a conversation regarding something to do with pregnancy and you guess that the youngest one there is probably pregnant, and most likely will want to tell you so if you just ask.

I’m really not upset – I’m past that sort of emotion when I get that question, I think. More irritated and dumb-founded. So that was fun.

2) I called my nurse this morning and left a message. See, a few weeks ago, she left me a message saying, “We faxed in your Clomid prescription.” That was it – no instructions, nothing. I took it on CD 5-9, and from there I’m just…going with it. Anyway, last cycle, I had my blood taken on CD 21, to see if I ovulated. I hadn’t by that time, but I was gearing up to, and they were able to pick that up in the blood test. So I called this morning to set up my appointment to have my blood done. CD 21 will be Wednesday. I decided that even if I have to take a half-day to get down there and have it done, I would. I’m curious to see if my body will react the same.

Imagine my surprise when I checked my phone after school and the message left on my voicemail went something like this: “Well, see, you ovulated on 50 mcg of Clomid, so we already know that this dosage does work for you. We don’t do blood tests during future cycles, because we already know you ovulate. Let me know if you have any more questions.”

Wait, what? You don’t monitor your patients after the first round? What if I don’t ovulate this time? I mean, I assume I will, but just because I did once doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed! I have a very popular doctor. His joined practice, owned by my college, is one of the best in the state. I know many people who have used him and found success. But what’s up with this? Maybe this is standard procedure and I just never knew? I just assumed they’d want to keep tabs on me. She also gave me no future directions – when should I try? How often? What do I do if I get pregnant this cycle, or if I don’t? I got nothing.

It’s not a big deal, I guess. I think what’s scary is that my lifeline has just been taken away. My life jacket. I know how to tread water, but I feel so much safer doing it with a life jacket on. Without that, I have to tread water the normal way, like the way everyone else would do it. I have to use my OPK’s, chart my BBT, check my CM, all that good stuff, which I already do and have been doing for months. But it was nice to have a nurse watching me too, letting me know when it was coming. Now I’m in the same pool as everyone else TTC. Good luck mastering that timing.

This brings me to a thought I’ve been tossing around the last day or two. I’ve been Mrs. Optimism, for whatever reason, as you know. When I tell myself it’s happening soon, I don’t have to wait as much. The waiting is less torturous, because I can “see” the end in sight. Here’s the thing. I know plenty of people who have no medical conditions, who chart their BBT and use OPK’s, and who master their BD timing. Still it doesn’t work right away, and can take many months. Even if you do everything right, it’s only a 20% chance. For Clomid users, it goes up to 30%. But still. That’s nothing! Last cycle, my timing was..decent, but not great. I blamed my not getting pregnant on that. This cycle, I’ve been determined to try and try and try. Get that timing down perfect. But even if I do, there is only a slim chance it’ll happen. In other words – there is really nothing any of us, including those who have no medical conditions, can do. After a certain point, it’s completely out of our hands. So my optimistic attitude, stemming from my belief that I will get this timing down perfectly this cycle, has been slightly ruptured, because I remind myself that even if I do it all correctly, there’s really no guarantee. Not even close. I can feel optimistic when I feel in control. But when I don’t, keeping up that momentum is tricky. I’m still telling myself I will give it all I have, and it’s going to work…soon. But I have to tell myself that even if I do everything right, it still might not happen.

CD 15, and I have no idea how close I am to ovulation. My BBT is low, ready to make the jump whenever, my OPK’s (which have been switched from digital to the cheaper “read the line” stick and are way harder to interpret) are pointing to negative. My CM…well who knows. That’s always hard to read for me. Last cycle, it didn’t happen until CD 24. I am prepared for an early ovulation, so we will keep trying.

Okay, now on to a more pleasant attitude…that of thankfulness.

 

“The Clomid Games”

What a difference. I can’t believe how drastically my thought process has changed in the last day or two. I don’t know what it was, exactly, that gave me this kick in the pants, but now I feel like a new person.

Two posts in a row all about thinking positively, combined with my tag bubble, tells me that optimism and pessimism are something I apparently struggle with. I always want optimism, but I tend to find pessimism. Now, I’m trying to reach for it.

What was it that helped, you ask? There was no mind-bending google search that put my mind at ease; obviously there was no guarantee of anything (is there ever?). Simply put – I started thinking optimistically.

All along, I had been doing it wrong. I knew that positive thinking meant telling yourself something good was going to happen, or that things would find their way in time, or whatever. Here’s what I didn’t know: when you say those things to yourself, you’re supposed to believe them! Who knew?

I’ve been telling myself that pregnancy will happen, and hopefully with Clomid. I only have the medicine for two more cycles after this, so there really is a timeline.  But I’ve never actually believed Clomid will work. I went through the motions of “not worrying” – aka, thinking positively, but I didn’t take it to heart. Now, I have. I am believing that Clomid is going to work for me, and soon. Yes, soon. Not necessarily this cycle, but in the next few. I suddenly feel so sure of this that I even made a comment this morning to my husband, while we were discussing a future purchase that was not cheap. I literally said, “We might want to wait a few months to buy anything major, so that if (or did I say ‘when’?) I’m pregnant we can decide what we really need.” I just gave myself a timeline – months!

Now, I’m the first one to raise my hand and say, “You’re being stupid – bad idea.” If you’re thinking this right now, I’m with you. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to get to this point, because I have been telling myself that. The higher you climb, the farther you fall. Stay close to the ground and you won’t get hurt. By thinking this way – I will be pregnant in the next few months – I am subjecting myself to a crash landing. It’s risky business, this whole positive thinking.

See, right now, the pros far outweigh the cons for me. How can I be frustrated/worried/sad/anxious (well, I guess I am still anxious) when I think I will be pregnant soon? I really think it’s coming soon for me. All I have to do is wait a little longer.

I imagine how many bitter reactions I may have to this post. So many of you have probably written something like this. Those of you who have been on this ride for many years have had more ups and downs than anyone should have in a lifetime. I know that this post, today, could come across as naive and insensitive, and perhaps you’re right. I certainly don’t mean it like that. But I am still in the early stages (I’ve only been on Clomid, that’s it) and I have to tell myself it’ll work. I  have to believe it’ll work.

For those who know me, two words that are rarely used in my vocabulary are “hope” and “faith”. I did write a post about hope, once, and I see the benefits. But it’s just not how I think. I’m still not going to say that those words describe me. However, I believe it’s going to happen – I really do. This may be totally blind, utterly dumb, and something I might really regret by late spring, but for right now, I’m going with it.

CD11, and we’re gearing up for what I’m going to officially call “The Clomid Games” (yes, I just finished the Hunger Games and it was sooo good! Now it’s on my brain.) My husband doesn’t want to know the details of my smiley faces this cycle – too much pressure – so I’m subjecting him to random game…quests (ha) and not letting him know when it’s started or ended. I, myself, am not sure when it will start or end, as I O’d on CD 24 last cycle. But I don’t want to wait and take the chance. Let the games begin!