6 DPO…

…and I’m doing okay! After last Monday, when I didn’t have work but my husband did and I spent all day obsessing over Google, I stopped that quickly the next day. In fact, I haven’t used Google for pregnancy-related things all week. Work keeps me busy. Now that the weekend is here again, I’ve got a few things on my mind. I figured I’d pick your brains about them.

1) This past week and the next one don’t have much going on with me in fertility-land. There’s really nothing new to tell. Yet, I love to blog, and I think about posting often. I’m just not sure what to say. This leads me to a question:

What do I really want from my blog?  Well, since the day I created it last summer, I really wanted it to be a place to house various information about getting pregnant and being pregnant. I wanted it to eventually become a place where people could click on a category to learn information to help themselves. I had always found all the information I wanted in a thousand different places, and I thought this would be helpful. Here’s the problem: I don’t know anything about pregnancy, obviously, and I am clearly not the expert on any topic enough to be the holder of all that information. Plus, as TTC turned out to be a giant project, I ended up needing to vent and went looking for support, which I found. It was very helpful, and I still want that from my blog. But I also want more from it. I just have no idea what exactly to do, and how to do it.

I mean, there are other areas of my life in which I have information to share – recipes for gluten-free foods, exercise tips, thyroid-issues, great books I’ve read, life with two rescue dogs, teacher stories. Everyone has other interests. Do you ever want to blog about those things? And if I started doing that here, wouldn’t that kind of change the tone of this whole blog – perhaps making other people less likely to read it? Have these thoughts crossed any of your minds?

I know a lot of you have these posts based on certain days of the week (Thankful Thursday, for example). I like those! What are the different topics you use?

A lot of people have very successful blogs. I do want to have a blog that really gets out there. I’m just not sure what I want IN my blog – I want to keep what I have, but sometimes I think I need to have more to talk about. I’d like to have more to talk about.

2) I have a small house. I just spent a little while checking out pinterest (my first time) and there are such beautiful and creative house projects that can be done. I especially like all the ways you can use old window frames, or pieces of wood. I love that old-fashioned look. Here’s the thing – my house is a small cape. It’s filled with stuff. I don’t have much wall space. There is no room for all of the cool things I saw on that site. And this weekend I’m in the mood for a DIY cool project for my house. But they all require a lot of space.

So, if you have a smaller home with little to no wall space, or extra closets, or large bathrooms, what little crafty/organizational project have you done that was totally worth it?

3) You know what all of this is – this is my mind trying to forget about the TWW. I’m bored, mentally. How many times can I look at my Fertility Friend chart, after all? 6 DPO. I plan to test a week from tomorrow. Yippee!

Now I know why it’s a smiley face :)

Well, if there’s one thing I have learned so far while struggling with fertility it’s this: the highs are so high, and the lows are very low. Up and down, up and down. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I felt pretty low when my OB-GYN wouldn’t help me anymore, and sent me to an RE. I felt giddy when I found out I could see this new RE in less than a week after that gyno appointment. I felt equally happy when my RE did an ultrasound and said, flat out: “Well, it looks like you’re not ovulating. That’s the problem.” I was so happy to have an answer to my long cycles, irregular periods, and lack of ovulation.

Then I had to wait. Waiting for extended periods of time always drag me down. I had to go through an entire cycle before I could start Clomid, because my RE meeting that day was already at least CD 5 or so. Then I needed Provera, of course. Then I got my Clomid.

Predicted ovulation time for Clomid came and went. I read online that many people found they had a late ovulation when on Clomid, and I tried to keep that in mind as I felt myself get lower and lower. I got into that funk.

Well. Last Thursday I went for my CD 21 ultrasound, which is typical for when you’re on Clomid. I panicked at the lab, because the less-than-professional young nurse was giving me crap about coming in too close to the closing time. Luckily, she still took my blood. Of course, obviously I didn’t ovulate. That’s what they were checking. I temp every day, check my CM, use OPK’s, and faithfully chart it on Fertility Friend. I didn’t ovulate. So imagine my surprise, on Friday night, when I got home at 5:00 and found this message on my answering machine:

“Well, it looks as if you’re about to ovulate, which is good….hmm…if I were you I’d go have a really fun weekend (as she snickers). We want to see you Monday for blood work again, to see if you did ovulate.”

What?? I was actually about to POAS anyway, so I went ahead and did it, and got this beautiful image:

That made my day. In all these months, I’ve seen that smiley face one time, just once. I think it was a fluke. I almost believe it never even happened. Now, it did. I’ve spent the weekend analyzing my new friend, Ovulation. Who knew? I had some major cramping all Friday and Saturday, which was a new feeling. It felt like period cramps, but of course I knew it wasn’t. My left side (near my ovary) was more sore than the right, so I assume I ovulated through that one. I have no idea, this is all new to me.

I’ve been back on a high. That said, our BD timing wasn’t…perfect. Not exactly how I wanted it to be, and I was a little concerned. But it was still there, and I’m just going to hope it was enough. I had a smiley face two days in a row, and then today, back to nothing. I assume it happened, but my temperature hasn’t risen yet.  A quick google search told me that some people take a day or two after ovulation for their temps to rise. Mine better rise. Granted, tomorrow I’m going for another blood test, so I’ll find out there if it happened or not. But it sure felt like it happened.

So I’m basically about to start the two week wait (TWW). Yuck. I have spent enough of my brain cells on all of this recently, so it would be really nice if I could just not think about it. I’m already talking myself out of it working (since the timing was not as ideal as it could have been) and planning on fixing that in the next cycle. I can’t get my hopes up.

Yet, I’ve done something bad already – I’ve allowed myself to daydream about that wondrous day when I find out that I am, in fact pregnant. Will I cry? Scream? Laugh? Stare at it blankly? How will I tell people? Will I tell people?

Why am I thinking about this??

Not yet. One day at a time.

Stupid emails.

How’s this for a “Hey, Happy Tuesday, Here’s a Slap in the Face”?

I get an email today from “What to Expect” – apparently I signed up for emails regarding pregnancy back when I thought it would happen quickly. Today’s email, a question from a reader:

“My husband and I badly want to conceive a child as soon as possible. What are some ways to increase our chances?”

Needless to say, I did not click on the link to find the answer.  But if I did, here’s what I think I would have seen:

– Eat healthy, lots of fruits and veggies

– Exercise – your BMI should be in the normal range

– Have fun! Remember, conceiving a child is all about the love you and your significant other share. Don’t let it become all business!

(followed by the implied next statement in a cheery voice: If these three things don’t do it – something’s wrong with you!)

And then, in my imaginary answer to this question, a disclaimer at the bottom, in fine print:

“The majority of women will conceive within six months. If you are under 35 and have been trying unsuccessfully for a year or more, consult a doctor for further assistance.”

Well, I promptly deleted that email. Here’s my made-up question for them:

“My husband and I badly want to conceive a child, period. What are some ways we can teach those around us to be sympathetic and not insulting when we have fertility issues?”

Hey, tomorrow’s Wednesday. Two more days until my vacation. Happy Hump Day!

Secrets no more!

Well, I’ve finally done it. I’ve told the rest of the members of my family (and my in-laws) that I’m struggling with conceiving a child and therefore am getting medical assistance. There. I said it.

Most of my close family already knew – but there were a couple people I was holding out on. I was hoping my husband could jump in and help, because I have seemed to be tongue-tied for the last seven months, but he was definitely less assertive than I was. So that wasn’t going to work.

Finally, the other night, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I hate this idea of carrying a personal secret that someone close to me, whom I trust, would want to know, and would be supportive about. Why keep it in? I didn’t give specifics, just that medication would be involved and I’d be starting in a few weeks.

Ever since then – I feel so much better. I have nothing to hide! Seriously! It’s out (not on Facebook….but out), and I just feel such relief. On Christmas, if the question comes up, I’m ready to deal with it. I’ve got my speech prepared.

Telling people about this was seriously the best thing I ever did, because I feel better.

Now, on to Clomid!! Three more Provera pills and I’ll hopefully get AF two days after that, like I did last time. That would put me right at Christmas – with the office closed. Oh well. As long as I’m calling on Monday and starting Clomid shortly after that, I’ll be happy. I’ll keep you updated!

And this is why I love blogging…

Even though I’ve just started Provera, and therefore am anticipating my period so I can finally start Clomid, the following poem sums up my thoughts right about now.

I’ve borrowed this from the original blog of 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility’s Facebook Page but I found it on the awesome blog of The Pursuit of Pregnancy. Feel free to share – I know many of you that would get a kick out of this!

‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.

The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,

in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.

Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,

while visions of cramps start to come before bed.

You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,

you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.

But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,

so why does this test never show those two lines?

And you cry on the floor until you are ill,

tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.

“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”

“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”

We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,

but each month all we do is pee on that stick.

We know more about ovulation than our family doc,

so please fill our womb before our friends’ newborns can talk!

We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,

but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.

Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,

but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.

So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,

Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!

 

It’s Wednesday – Happy Hump Day! 🙂

[Still] Waiting on Clomid…

I understand that patience is not my best trait. I’m working on that. But every little setback in delaying this process is SO FRUSTRATING!

An update: A few days ago, I called on Day 28 of my cycle, like I was told to do, to ask for the pregnancy blood test. I did, but got my head nurse’s voicemail, so I left a message asking if the blood test could be faxed to the place in my town I usually go to, not all the way out to their office 40 minutes away. Well, after school I checked my phone and had a voicemail (10 minutes too late to call back…). My head nurse was out, but another nurse took the call. She misunderstood me in my voicemail and thought I said I was on Day 20. So, in her message, she said, “You’re still too early for the pregnancy test. We usually like to do it between Days 30 and 35 – call back in a few weeks.” Ahh! I frantically tried to call back to clarify but it was too late. So, I left another message.

The next day, in the middle of a meeting, I got a call, and I was able to answer it. It was my head nurse, apologizing for not being there yesterday and the miscommunication. She said sure, I could have my blood test faxed, but it wouldn’t be as quick in its results (two days, not immediate). Also, she wanted to know if it was at all possible I could be pregnant, because if so, I would be tested for progesterone levels. Nope, I’m sure. Okay, she said. She had it faxed. Then, she seemed to forget the rest of my plan, asking such questions as, “Did the Dr. say you were starting Clomid next cycle?” (Yes.) “So you’re nearing the time you will be needing it?” (Yes.) I’m not just calling for my health, here!

So that very afternoon I went and had the blood test done. No big deal – I can wait two days, as opposed to finding out immediately. The last time I had a pregnancy blood test done it took two days. I had to have my thyroid checked anyway, so going to my local lab worked out.

Today was two days later. I was supposed to call my head nurse for the results, and she would fax a prescription for Provera to get my period started. Yesterday afternoon, on my house’s answering machine (we’ve only ever talked through my cell – why would she not call that?), she left me a message that I didn’t get until 5:00 letting me know that my lab I had the test done in went ahead and tested my progesterone levels. She didn’t specify whether she asked for it on the lab, or whether the lab did it by themselves. Either way – because my progesterone was tested, and not just a pregnancy test, it will take another WEEK for the results to come in. Seriously?!

I understand it’s just a week. Really. And compared to what others have had to go through, a week is nothing. It’s just that I’m SO close to starting Clomid. So close to actually being able to start hoping for a baby. I was going to be on Clomid during my week off, on the holiday vacation. That would’ve worked out, just in case I did have any weird side effects. Now I’ll be on it the week I get back to work.

Oh well. I can deal, I don’t want to be desperate. I’m just anxious, and super excited. I cannot wait any longer!

Do I want to share? I do..but I don’t…

I’m feeling some reflection coming on. (My friends roll their eyes when I do this.) There are so many people out there who are going through their infertility journeys that have been going on for years. They’ve had injections, IVF, and countless other treatments that I don’t even know about yet. After doing a blog search through this main site, I’ve come across some of those people. I really feel for them, and almost feel sheepish commenting on their blogs that I’m just starting my journey.

That said, I love writing this blog. It is so therapeutic to me, and helpful. But there are a few things standing in my way.

If this blog could have turned into anything, I would have loved for it to be a sort of forum for pregnancy, for those who are struggling and those who aren’t. While this is currently all about my story, I’d love to eventually hear the stories of those who are going through their own pregnancy journeys, allowing for a place full of information for anyone trying to get pregnant.

Therefore, I’ve been thinking about how to improve my blog, and I have a few thoughts. First, my story is a big deal to me. My friends are very caring and supportive, and read my posts, which I appreciate. But as I said before, so many others are going through this times 100, and in no way do I want this to sound like I’m the only one who’s struggling here. I’d love to get this out to the public, to women who could share their comments and stories.

How do you get a blog out to the public successfully? Well, it might help to own your site. At this time, I do not. But it still can be shared – through sites like Twitter and Facebook, and through word of mouth. I can put tags in my posts, to make it easier to locate. I could spend way more time on this blog, and add photos and make it look more cleaned up. I wish I had time for this!

But as I’m super excited to have a few followers who aren’t my close friends – perfect strangers going through a similar experience, I’m wondering how to keep spreading the word. I’m totally fine with my friends who already know about this sharing this with their friends – especially anyone they think might benefit from the support.

Here’s oneeee little problem. I haven’t told all of my family and friends about this. At all. Therefore, I can’t put anything on Facebook. I keep wanting to make that leap, because I know there are many of my Facebook friends who would be supportive, but then ALL of my Facebook friends would know, and many of them I’m not really close to. Do I want to put my problems out there for the world to see? It is my place to do that, when everyone has issues, but not everyone broadcasts them?

As you can see, I’m going back and forth. Once I share it with the Facebook world – it’s all out there. There’s no going back! Lately, I’ve been wanting to tell practically everyone about it. I’m not necessarily looking for anything – but it makes me feel better to get it off my chest. Unfortunately, I’m still too chicken to take that big step. So until then – I appreciate my blog followers, those who I know and those I don’t, and will take baby steps into really getting this out into the world.

Finally – I’d love suggestions! If you have a blog – what works for you? What are some challenges you faced when starting your blog? If you don’t have a blog – as a reader, what does and doesn’t interest you? What could I do to improve the look and feel of this blog? Thanks for your input! 🙂