The bed rest blues

Thank you for all your helpful comments – it is so nice knowing I’m not alone in this bed rest thing! So I really appreciate it.

Tomorrow I will have been on bed rest, or really, couch rest, for one week. Seriously, the longest week ever. It is not relaxing. It is not a time to enjoy my free time. It sucks!

Left inside my own head, I experience different mental stages as a day goes by. Most of my day, my mental state is – just there. Not happy or unhappy. But I’m now racking up a quick little breakdown daily. I have a little moment, it lasts 5 minutes, and then I’m past it.

At this point, people have been very kind in offering to come visit or help out. And if this continues on my couch, I will take those people up on it. But really, right now, other than family, I don’t really want to be seen. I look pitiful. Not like, my hair is a mess (which it is), but I just…I’m sitting in pajamas with dirty socks, no makeup, I only shower every other day (sitting down), I can’t get up to stop my dogs from jumping all over you, I can’t offer you a drink and I get contractions when I talk too much or too loud….I’m just not there yet. Those who have visited (family and in-laws) continue to ask me the question, “So are you bored yet?” with a chuckle. Hardy-har, bed rest is just so FUNNY. I don’t FULLY blame them, because they don’t know otherwise and I don’t feel like sharing, but….good lord. Bored? I’m not just….laying here. Bored isn’t a word that even fits with bed rest at this point. I’m on bed rest to prevent my twins from coming out ridiculously early. That’s enough to send anyone over the edge. Bored. How about obsessing over every tightening?

Maybe I just don’t want to talk about it when someone stops over. Don’t ask me what I’ve done today, the answer is nothing. I mean sure, I’m reading a book, I’ve started watching “girls”…I’m not just completely doing nothing. But whatever I’m doing, it’s trivial. Who cares? What I’m doing is begging my babies to stay in. I’m questioning if I should call the doctor on a regular basis. I’m making a list of what I would need in a hospital bag, should I have to stay there. I’m constantly feeling my stomach. Ugh. Clearly I’m going through the stages of grief, and people have good intentions. I’m not mad at them, I’m mad at this situation. But like I said, it’s better at this point that I’m left to my own devices. However, I know people just don’t know what to say (it’s like going through infertility all over again!) and I don’t want to push them away, either.

See, when you have twins, the treatment options you have are limited. I can’t get a cerclage (a stitch that holds your cervix closed), pretty sure progesterone is out….I’ve been told twice now, there’s nothing that can be done until I start having regular contractions and land in the hospital. So imagine my panic as I start to figure out these contractions, which I am having.

I think I was dehydrated yesterday, even though I literally drank a gallon of water. Today I’m really pushing the water and seeing what happens. I feel like Bran from “Game of Thrones” or Colin from “The Secret Garden” – or whatever his name was. I also have a yeast infection. I had a major change in discharge two days ago (sorry for the tmi), but that is one of the signs of preterm labor. I knew it was an infection, but then I started worrying about my mucus plug. Anyway, it was an infection and I knew it. I’m interested to see if any other preterm labor signs I’m having go away when the infection clears up. That would be nice.

And as I sit, reclined, all day long (and fight off the worst heartburn because of this position), we are having the nicest weather…ever. Bright sun, 72 degrees. I go out twice a day and sit for 5 minutes. The world goes on without me. Pretty soon my car will need to be driven.

I didn’t originally mean for this post to sound so angry. Apparently that’s where I’m at. I never, ever saw this coming at 23 weeks. I’m over missing work and for goodness’ sake, I’m not bored, I just don’t know what’s going to happen. It’s a longgg time before my shower at 29 weeks, before 32, 34, or even 28 weeks. Day by day, each week a celebration.

Tomorrow I celebrate making it one more week, to 24 weeks 3 days, enough to get the steroid shot so the twins’ lungs develop faster should they come out early. Last week I couldn’t even get that. And tomorrow I find out how this one week treated my cervix. I am praying that it’s the same or better… Enough to keep me out of the hospital. I’ll also get hooked up to the contraction machine. I’m nervous about it.

This sucks.

Warning- whiny post ahead.

Day 2 of bed rest – originally categorized as “modified” but after talking with a doctor yesterday, I’d say leans more toward “strict”. This is fine, because I was making it “strict” anyway. I’m not taking any chances. But that doesn’t mean I’m not miserable.

It’s not the boredom aspect, though. Actually, while that might be an irritant, it doesn’t make me miserable. I do have some shows I could start and I’m about to become an avid book reader. Plus, I have some school-related things that can be done from my couch. So at this point, that’s not the issue.

Bed rest provides both a physical and mental challenge, both of which are driving me crazy and I’ve only just started.

Mentally, most of my thoughts are depressing. There’s the feeling of, oh, that hard stomach? That tight feeling? That exhaustion? Those times when I felt like I needed to hold my stomach from the bottom because it felt like it was going to fall out – those were all signs I was overdoing it and I didn’t know. And when I posted about how I couldn’t slow down, or I thought I was slowing down, I was unable to see that slowing down means STOP running errands, carrying things, doing chores, etc. And I didn’t.

Then there’s the feeling of both guilt and appreciation for my husband, who at this very moment is vacuuming under my reclined seat. He is taking on everything I do in this house, which amounts to all the cleaning, laundry, dog feeding, etc. not to mention fetching everything I need, from chapstick to socks to vitamins. He’s running the house himself. Not that it shouldn’t be this way – it has to be this way and he isn’t complaining in the slightest. But it’s just a lot for him too and I feel bad.

The worst mental challenge, though, is the one about my babies. This must be a common thought for everyone on bed rest, especially this early. But the fears, the what-ifs, are really hard. I’m trying not to think about them and I’m not even going to write them down. But the fear is there and it’s hard to forget. I just feel like I have so far to go.

And then there are the physical challenges. Some are quite obvious. I am getting up once every hour to go to the bathroom. That’s it. All the meals are on this couch, which I can recline to any level I’d like. But after one full day, my back already hurts. My shoulders hurt. I might’ve pulled a rib muscle or something trying to get comfortable. It’s a lot of time on my back. And a freaking SPIDER just dropped through the cushion next to me and I don’t know where it went and I can’t really get up to find it!!!

But worse, I’m slightly obsessed now with the feelings in my stomach and uterus. Was that a contraction, a Braxton Hicks or just a baby rolling? Why am I crampy after eating meals? The doctor says if I have more than 4 contractions in an hour I need to call. Well, my stomach tightens up every time I do anything! So my once an hour bathroom trips – there’s one. And then if I sneeze, there’s two. I moved to the other couch for a minute so my husband could vacuum and had one then – do I count these? Because they are due to my movement. Plus, are they even contractions? So if I just lay here, reclined, nothing will happen. I guess that’s why it’s called bed rest.

Finding the positive – it is now very clear to me that it’s a good thing I’m not working. I can’t get up without some sort of tightening in my stomach, not to mention teaching or running a talent show. Also, I’m grateful I’m not on hospital bed rest. That could happen eventually and that would really suck. And I’m learning to appreciate the little things, like sitting on a different couch so I can have a different view, and a good shower. Well, I think I’ll appreciate that. I’m borrowing a shower chair and it will be arriving in about 45 minutes. And being clean always feels good.

Anyway, there may be many more posts now that I’m couch-ridden, for probably quite a long time. And like I said, it’s only Day 2.