“Illuminate”, with a question

Illuminate. This one is a bit of a hard one. I know what it means, but I wasn’t sure how to illustrate this in my own life. However, I think I’ve found what will do the trick:

Again, crappy quality on my cell phone. I’ll let you know when there’s a picture posted from my good camera, though I’m sure you’ll be able to see the difference. Anyway, here’s my version of “illuminate”. I talked about candles in my post yesterday, so it’s fitting. I love Yankee Candles. This can be blamed on my mother, who has a history of loving Yankee Candles. In fact, she almost burned the house down one time from a candle catching onto a dried flower wreath. My sister and I ran screaming from the house, hiding in the car and crying our eyes out. I was probably 13, my sister was 6. My two parakeets were upstairs in my bedroom and I was sure they’d be dead – screw my parents, save the birds! My father grabbed the fire extinguisher and covered the whole living room in that white powder stuff. Super mess. The fire was out, but every single toy and item in that room had to be taken out on the front lawn and hosed down. No fire department necessary, but I’m sure the neighbors thought we were nuts.

Even after that incident, though, my mother has collected, and burned, Yankee Candles. She must have 20. Now that I am in my own house, I have about 8 or so. I love to burn candles with certain scents for certain seasons, so you can see why Apple Cider is a current hit right now. Yesterday, I burned “Icicles” and “Sparkling Snow” together for a soft, wintery, light scent. I’m all about it. These candles “illuminate” my house on a daily basis, contributing to that “homey”, “cozy” feel I was talking about yesterday.

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Okay, now I have a question for all of you out there. You know, for me, ovulation comes around once every 50-100 days (ha) and it’s so rare that I actually get to have a question regarding my ovulation, but today, I do!

What is your take on this?

This was a few minutes ago. The top, cheaper stick (stupid cheap ones) sure seems to show the test line and the control line as the same. I suppose you could say the test line is slightly lighter, but just barely. The bottom, my last smiley face stick, shows no smiley. One looks positive, the other clearly negative. What do you make of that??

There is something else, too. I had cramping all yesterday. I found that the pain was localized mostly to my right side. Last time I ovulated, it was on my left side! I’ve never been so happy to feel cramps. But they really felt like…ovulation pains. Yesterday morning’s stick was not even close to positive, so I know I didn’t miss it. Today’s looks promising, especially after yesterday’s cramping. But the smiley faces are usually not wrong. My temps are also very low – it all looks perfect! It’s CD 18, so it could actually be happening! But what gives with the stupid OPK’s?

Tomorrow morning I go for a blood test (even though it’ll only be CD 19) to see if I’m ovulating or what. It’ll be nice to have an actual answer. If she says there’s no ovulation in sight I may just scream. I’ll keep you posted.

Now I know why it’s a smiley face :)

Well, if there’s one thing I have learned so far while struggling with fertility it’s this: the highs are so high, and the lows are very low. Up and down, up and down. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I felt pretty low when my OB-GYN wouldn’t help me anymore, and sent me to an RE. I felt giddy when I found out I could see this new RE in less than a week after that gyno appointment. I felt equally happy when my RE did an ultrasound and said, flat out: “Well, it looks like you’re not ovulating. That’s the problem.” I was so happy to have an answer to my long cycles, irregular periods, and lack of ovulation.

Then I had to wait. Waiting for extended periods of time always drag me down. I had to go through an entire cycle before I could start Clomid, because my RE meeting that day was already at least CD 5 or so. Then I needed Provera, of course. Then I got my Clomid.

Predicted ovulation time for Clomid came and went. I read online that many people found they had a late ovulation when on Clomid, and I tried to keep that in mind as I felt myself get lower and lower. I got into that funk.

Well. Last Thursday I went for my CD 21 ultrasound, which is typical for when you’re on Clomid. I panicked at the lab, because the less-than-professional young nurse was giving me crap about coming in too close to the closing time. Luckily, she still took my blood. Of course, obviously I didn’t ovulate. That’s what they were checking. I temp every day, check my CM, use OPK’s, and faithfully chart it on Fertility Friend. I didn’t ovulate. So imagine my surprise, on Friday night, when I got home at 5:00 and found this message on my answering machine:

“Well, it looks as if you’re about to ovulate, which is good….hmm…if I were you I’d go have a really fun weekend (as she snickers). We want to see you Monday for blood work again, to see if you did ovulate.”

What?? I was actually about to POAS anyway, so I went ahead and did it, and got this beautiful image:

That made my day. In all these months, I’ve seen that smiley face one time, just once. I think it was a fluke. I almost believe it never even happened. Now, it did. I’ve spent the weekend analyzing my new friend, Ovulation. Who knew? I had some major cramping all Friday and Saturday, which was a new feeling. It felt like period cramps, but of course I knew it wasn’t. My left side (near my ovary) was more sore than the right, so I assume I ovulated through that one. I have no idea, this is all new to me.

I’ve been back on a high. That said, our BD timing wasn’t…perfect. Not exactly how I wanted it to be, and I was a little concerned. But it was still there, and I’m just going to hope it was enough. I had a smiley face two days in a row, and then today, back to nothing. I assume it happened, but my temperature hasn’t risen yet.  A quick google search told me that some people take a day or two after ovulation for their temps to rise. Mine better rise. Granted, tomorrow I’m going for another blood test, so I’ll find out there if it happened or not. But it sure felt like it happened.

So I’m basically about to start the two week wait (TWW). Yuck. I have spent enough of my brain cells on all of this recently, so it would be really nice if I could just not think about it. I’m already talking myself out of it working (since the timing was not as ideal as it could have been) and planning on fixing that in the next cycle. I can’t get my hopes up.

Yet, I’ve done something bad already – I’ve allowed myself to daydream about that wondrous day when I find out that I am, in fact pregnant. Will I cry? Scream? Laugh? Stare at it blankly? How will I tell people? Will I tell people?

Why am I thinking about this??

Not yet. One day at a time.