Should old acquaintance be forgot…

It’s the last day of 2011, and I’m ready to see it go. I used to think that 2011 was so much better than 2010. It was, really. 2010 saw a few people I was close to pass away and it was really hard. I spent the rest of that year wondering, “Who else is going to die this year?” Horrible. I was so glad when 2011 came around. This year, I’m happy to say that it’s been better along those lines, but still not my favorite year. We started TTC this year. Prior to coming off BCP, we had been talking about TTC for literally years before that. I’m lucky that my husband would indulge in that conversation with me, even though we knew we wouldn’t be starting for a while. I originally stated that I’d be pretty mad if I wasn’t decently pregnant by Christmas. Then it was, well pregnant at ALL by Christmas. My husband used to say, right before we started, that “I’d be surprised how quickly it would happen.” All wishful thinking! That all  left my brain months ago, when I started seeing a fertility specialist.

There was so much WAITING this year. Waiting for cycles to finish (hello, 82 days), waiting for doctors to call, waiting for my thyroid to get itself into working order before continuing, and then waiting for treatment. But finally I’m on Clomid (last day is today) and I’m just happy to feel like I’ve got a little bit of a chance.

Of course, I started my blog this year, too. I have said this before, but it still stands: I never thought in a million years that it would turn into what it has become. It’s still so new, and I still have so much to learn, but it has taken on drastically different characteristics than I thought it would. But it’s great; it’s a fun new hobby that I really enjoy, plus it takes some weight off of my shoulders on a regular basis. I have a feeling there are many people who know about this who are still not totally sure why I choose to put forth my thoughts regarding fertility a couple times a week, but so many of you do understand why. Even if no one ever read it again, I enjoy writing about it.

So, while this year has taught me to locate patience in a deep-down place, I have to look ahead to next year with some hope and optimism. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy. I started dating my husband as a teenager exactly 12 years ago tonight; we’ve been through a lot together since then. We understand that it could be years until I have a child, as so many of you have had to find out. But we’re hoping that it doesn’t. And instead of analyzing to death whether it might be years or months, I’m going to have to hope for 2012 to be a lucky year. I’ve already found (some) patience, I’ve already started medications, I’ve already found a good doctor. I’m all set up. Now I just want/need to watch it happen.

Here are some fitting lyrics from the “updated, new millennium” version of Auld Lang Syne:

When dreams they seem so far away

Your soul can feel so  low,

But love is never far away

Your heart won’t be alone.

 

Well, that was enough deep-meaning reflection for one day; tomorrow I’m on a mission!

 

Yuletide by the fireside – or something like that.

Well, Christmas has come and gone. I always feel like the preparation is so intense. As it gets closer to December 25th, the stores are even more packed and traffic is crazy; people get crazy. You do all the wrapping and cooking, Christmas music playing for 3 weeks straight. At least that’s what it’s like for me. Then it comes, and then it’s over. The next day you kind of don’t know what to do with yourself. Then again, my dining room table reminds me that there’s plenty to do:

Anyway, I had a very nice Christmas with my family, gave and received nice gifts, and did eat a lot. Although, Christmas Eve did not exactly go smoothly.

My husband loves to cook and bake – I never do unless I have to. I’m very lucky with that. So he was slaving over the kitchen on Christmas Eve from 7:30am until about 1:30pm. He made a flourless chocolate cake with chocolate mousse and raspberry sauce, a seafood dip with french bread “chips”, and a sweet potato casserole. I was having the weirdest morning, while all this cooking was going on. I felt exhausted. So much so that I took two little naps, and just generally laid around. I wasn’t that hungry, either. I skipped my kick-boxing class, which I had originally really wanted to go to. I don’t know what the deal was.

Also, I was still recovering from my massive bout of lip hives from the night before. I did take a picture, which I will not be sharing. This was one of the worst bouts I’ve had of it – when I woke up in the morning I had trouble speaking and eating because my lips were so huge. My entire face was swollen, including my eyes. Good times.

By the afternoon the swelling had gone down enough for me to leave the house. We left for my aunt’s around 2:00. Not ten minutes into the ride, we took a sharp turn, and the seafood dip, which was on the floor of the backseat, had tipped and spilled everywhere. We pulled over, I got out – and burst into tears. What? That is not usually me. But I did – I started hysterically crying, and also got really angry. I wanted to take the entire glass dish and throw it and hear it smash. Instead, I grabbed handfuls of seafood dip and threw it into the woods. Finally, we got back into the car and kept driving, with the windows open because the car smelled like fish. My hands reeked and my makeup was runny. Merry Christmas! I have NO idea why I acted like that. I’ve been saying I felt badly that my husband did so much cooking and then it was ruined, so quickly. That was part of it, but otherwise – I have no clue. I thought this was as bad as my Christmas Eve was going to get.

We got to my aunt’s house and everything was fine. I ate a few little gluten-free appetizers, talked, etc. Drank water. Around dinner, the smells in the kitchen started making me nauseous. Like, can’t-be-around-food nauseous. The meal was put out – I did something I’ve never done at a family function – I laid down on the couch and missed the whole meal. I started feeling a lump in my throat (geez, this makes me sound/feel so paranoid!) I’ve had a hive in my throat before – it’s kind of scary. You start to panic that your throat might close up. I used to have an Epi-pen, but it expired and was thrown away, thus causing my panic even more. So between my nausea and lump in my throat I was a mess. I felt the anxiety start to creep up on me  – what if my throat really did close, and I had to go to the hospital? Long story short, about two hours later I drank some hot tea and it worked wonders – calmed me down, lessened the throat lump, increased my appetite. I had my dinner around 9:00; never touched dessert. I was fine the last few hours. Went to bed – besides the hives on my back and arms yesterday morning (nothing compared to when they are on my face), I was fine all yesterday.

So it was not my favorite Christmas for all of those reasons, and these. 1) I don’t like hives. 2) I don’t like anxiety, and 3) I especially don’t like when it tries to take control over my brain, which I’m usually so good about keeping level-headed. Ugh.

For those of you without babies on this Christmas, I don’t know if you’d agree, but there’s almost a sense of relief that this holiday is over. Time to get back to work on expanding the family. Those doctor’s offices should open up again, and you can look towards January with positivity – 2012 is a new year; it’s going to be a good one.

Clomid starts tomorrow.

 

By the way – did anyone have any funny/not so funny Christmas stories they’d like to share? Anyone’s food tip over in the car?