6 DPO; “heal”, “soft”, “love”.

I’ve been playing with fire. I’ve been pushing the limits. I’ve been….Googling every little “symptom” I may or may not have. Why? Why would I put myself through this? It’s torture!

It’s torture because I have a few “symptoms” and I didn’t even notice that I’ve been walking around, internally strutting my stuff because in my mind, I’m pregnant.

It’s very dangerous, and I know that. Some days I swear it has to be true, other days (like today) I wake up and think, “What are you doing?” Can’t I focus on something else for two weeks?

Those of you who have been down this road many times before know how foolish I’ve been, and I agree. I had so many months of not ovulating at all. This is only my second time dropping an egg. So yeah, my hopes go way, way up. Especially when I got the timing down very well. The more times I ovulate, I imagine the less I will get my hopes up. I’m trying not to do that, but it is proving impossible.

There’s no going back. I’ve already caused possible future damage, imagining when I will be telling family (Easter is coming up..) and which coworker friends are going to know soon, and even daydreaming of that 8-week ultrasound, to see a healthy little bean. This is all very stupid of me. Very, very stupid.

I’m not even going to mention my little symptoms, because that would give them more credit than I’m sure they deserve. They come and go, anyway. Talk to me in a week, though, and maybe I’ll be singing a different tune. Until then – back to the photo challenge!

I’m a few days behind. Behold, “heal”.

For me, “healing” comes in the form of two specific places; Maine (first picture), and Cape Cod. For those who don’t know this about me, I’m a total sap. Not like a “cry at the movies” kind of sap – but a nature sap. Being certain places in nature makes me listen extra hard for the quiet, peaceful, calmness that in turn makes me feel quiet, peaceful, and calm. I love the smells, the breeze, etc. Whenever I can find myself in a place like this I imagine an internal new-age song playing in my head. In college, being homesick, I frequently imagined walking through an open field with N, taking in the side of a white picket fence and strolling hand in hand. I mean, this nature sap thing runs deep. These particular places are two of my favorites. I try to go to to both at least once a year. My grandfather lives in Maine, and the top picture is off his dock, looking at the lake. At his house, the world is perfectly silent, except for an occasional loon, and we play cards and read until we fall fast asleep with full bellies. It’s my idea of perfection, basically.

The Cape holds many memories, as I went there on vacation every year as a child and teenager. I look forward to having enough money in a few summers to rent my own cottage there for a week, hopefully with children digging in the sand beside me.

Having the opportunity to be in places like this keep me recharged. Whatever might be going on is promptly healed after spending a few days in a place like these. Right now, I’m in need of a recharge. Unfortunately, I won’t be going back to Maine until at least May, and Cape Cod, probably the summer.

Now, onto “soft”. I have a very soft blanket I thought I could mention, but I’d rather take this as an excuse to show off soft, by way of furry.

These puppies of mine are very soft. Sadie’s head is especially soft, but her back isn’t, because she has a few layers of fur. The top layer is a little coarse. Riley’s whole body is soft, as she only has one thin layer of fur. Riley’s picture is not recent, as you can see all the grass behind her. And you can clearly notice the quality! Top picture – iphone. Bottom picture – good camera. Oh well. You get the idea.

Finally, “love”. So many options here, but I’ve decided to go with this one:

My wedding day was one of the best days of my life. Seriously, it was perfect. There’s that nature piece again. I knew I wanted to experience those nature-provided feelings on my wedding day, and it was beautiful. We’ve been married two and a half years, and this trying-for-a-baby thing wouldn’t have even happened had we not fell in love and gotten married. Before children, there will always be the two of us.

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The Torturous TWW

So I did officially ovulate, which is wonderful. I had my CD 21 blood drawn, except it was on CD 24…close enough. The head nurse to my RE called and said, “Well, you definitely ovulated.” I don’t know how definitely factors into it – I figured it was a “yes, you did” or “no, you didn’t” kind of thing, but my numbers must have been high. I looked at what they were testing me for – estradiol, progesterone, and LH.

All in all, it was a decently stressful, or at least high-anxiety weekend. I ovulated for the first time, possibly ever, and I knew how short the window of opportunity was. I can see how getting lost in the details of that can overshadow the whole reason you’re doing it in the first place. I just kept thinking, we need to do this, we need to do this. It was basically all that was on my brain. Like I said in my last post, in the end, the timing wasn’t perfect – it wasn’t completely ideal. However, it wasn’t horrible, and I’m still not exactly sure when I actually ovulated. If this does go on to next cycle, my mission will be to put the fun back in baby-making. I’ll chalk all this up to it being round 1, but that’s all I’m allowed.

A couple of people asked me about my specific chart, so I decided to post it here and get all of your two cents on it:

As you can see, Fertility Friend didn’t even specify ovulation date yet, or show me a coverline. However, if I remember my facts correctly, you ovulate usually on the last low day before the temp spike, right? So in that case, I would’ve ovulated on CD 24, which was Sunday. I’m guessing Saturday was the key day, and we missed that one, but I’m not going to panic over it.

I’m not all that impressed with the temperatures on my chart. I assumed my spike would’ve been a bit higher. However, I know that I absolutely did ovulate, so I’m going to go with that.

Never did I think, years or even months ago, that I’d be putting the personal details of my life (through my chart, or even my blog for that matter) on the internet for all the world to see. When you want to have a child so badly, that modest thinking seems to go out the window. Or at least it does for me.

So as I’m officially in the TWW, yesterday I did what I assume most crazed TWW-ers do – I googled everything under the sun. And I mean everything. I read every article and every post on every topic related to finding out about being pregnant. I found this website, designed to keep my mind busy with other people’s successes in the TWW, and this one, all about pregnancy tests and OPKs. I looked at other people’s charts on FF. Sometimes I felt better, sometimes I felt worse.

What I discovered was this: I can’t do that. It’s bad for my mental health. It’s just not a good idea! Luckily, I went back to work today, and my mind was kept busy on that. I imagine I’ll be pretty good up until this coming weekend, when I find myself having more free time. I basically can’t stop myself from researching and scouring the internet unless my brain is somewhere else. So, I’ve just started looking at pinterest – though I have no idea how it works. I have a book that needs finishing. I could always do some planning for work. I think I need a new hobby. Of course, blogging is my favorite new hobby, but when I blog, that means I’m thinking about it. So that doesn’t help.

I’m only two days past ovulation (DPO). I’ve got to get all the way to 14 DPO. On that day, I’m allowed to call my head nurse, and she’ll do the blood pregnancy test (and I’ll do my own). I’m not sure I can hold off on POAS until 14 DPO…..but I’ll try.