Monday Mind Dump?

No, I didn’t make this up. I’m not sure if it’s a known thing or what, but I’ve noticed it done every Monday by Rachel, and I think it’s a great way to talk about things that aren’t necessarily baby-related. I know there’s a certain title people use for Thursday posts, too, so look out for that. I’m trying new things this week – watch out! Are there certain types of posts for the other days of the week?

Again, I have to say that I’m feeling pretty awesome about this blog right now. Sometimes, I actually feel a little foolish, I have to admit. Like I’ve said before, there are a good number of people I am close to in my life who read this. They were my first followers before all the rest of you. And I so appreciated them taking the time to listen to me whine about my thyroid and my lack of ovulation in those first few months. But now that I’m starting to talk about other things (well, I will be shortly), they already know all this. They might get sick of hearing me talk about myself on the internet and in real life. Feel free to just delete the emails! I’ll never know…

You new blog-friends of mine, you have told me you want to know more about me. I feel like I haven’t really told you anything, other than all this fertility stuff. I found that very cool. I really thought IF blogs were supposed to be about that, and nothing else. So in a way, I feel like I’m starting my blog fresh. As of today, I have 31 followers, and almost 2,000 hits to the blog. In addition, I had a record yesterday – 71 hits just that day! I’m sure this sounds pathetic to many of you. I’ll get there eventually! But there are 31 people who read this, and I never even thought I’d get to that number.

Between the Monday Mind Dump status, and the fact that I’m now branching off into other topics once in a while, I’ll start it out today with some quick tidbits.

– In case you didn’t know, my name is Megan. I’m 27. I’ve been married for about 2 and a half years. DH and I were lucky enough to have maintained a healthy relationship through high school, college, and now. We had been dating for 9 and a half years when we were married. We started dating when we were 15 (sophomore year), but to be perfectly honest, when we were in middle school, we “went out” for a period of about 7 months, twice. “Going out” consisted of my mom allowing me to talk on the phone. And that’s it. So they don’t really count, but in a way, they do. When I’ve had major feelings for someone any time in my life, they’ve been for him.  That’s not to say there haven’t been bumps in the road, but nothing we haven’t been able to persevere through. I’m very fortunate.

– I’m an elementary school teacher. As all of us teachers know, it’s a struggle not to let teaching consume your life. I like my job most days, but the amount of work that needs to be done is unreal. I sometimes daydream of working in an office, not talking to anyone, sitting down, and getting to go to the bathroom whenever I feel like it. That said, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. My mother is a teacher, and growing up she was my idol. It’s the right job for me; it’s just draining. This year might be worse than normal, because my old school closed, and I was put in a new school at a new grade level with a new staff. So it’s kind of like starting over. This is my fifth year teaching.

– Though my career is one that requires you to be an extrovert, I’m actually really an introvert. As a teenager, I’d spend hours in my room listening to the radio and writing in journals. I felt calm and relaxed doing this. Years later, and here I am, writing in my “journal”, sipping my tea. When I was 12 years old, I wrote a “book” that filled about 4 school notebooks. It was all about my friends and I in middle school, and we all dated each other and lived on the same street (this did not actually happen). After a summer of writing, when school started again I was tired of the book and wanted it to end, so I got my character (myself) sick with an incurable disease, and because my boyfriend and I loved each other so much (my DH, of course), I got pregnant, so that after I died, he would be able to raise a human being that was half me. How completely self-centered of me! I still have this book.

– To end today’s mind dump, and as not to overbear you with information about myself, I’ll finish with my dogs. Sadie and Riley are both rescues from Georgia. They came from the same shelter, but Sadie came about 2-3 years earlier. Though they look alike, they are not related at all. Sadie (with the brown) was found at 3 months dumped in a ditch. A vet happened to find her on the side of the road and fixed her up, and took her to the shelter. We adopted her quickly after, and she is completely spoiled, so I really don’t think she has any recollection of her past. Riley is a different story. Riley was found with her real sister (who was adopted before Riley…why wouldn’t you adopt them both??) walking alongside a very busy main road. It’s a miracle they weren’t hit by cars. She was in the shelter for 4-5 months before we got her. Because of this, she is very skittish. Those first few months, she was attracted to headlights and would try to dart out into the road when we went on walks. Now, years later, she’s much better, but she eats at the speed of light and jumps very easily. Everything scares her. That said, when she’s not scared, she is the happiest, most grateful dog ever. She seems to be smiling constantly and wags her tail 24/7, even when eating. This dog can RUN. She can be very hyper, and I can play fetch with her for a good hour, and she won’t tire. Recently DH took her on a 3-mile run, and she came back in, not even panting. She’s only 20 pounds. Adopting these two dogs was the best decision. DH was set on adoption from a shelter, as he was more of a “dog person” than I was, at the time. Now I’m so glad we did. We saved two little lives and next to having my own babies, they are the best thing.

Thanks for reading the mind dump! 8 DPO, still high temps but that’s it. Have some negative feelings for the next few days, but I guess it’s not over until it’s over.

 

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Now I know why it’s a smiley face :)

Well, if there’s one thing I have learned so far while struggling with fertility it’s this: the highs are so high, and the lows are very low. Up and down, up and down. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I felt pretty low when my OB-GYN wouldn’t help me anymore, and sent me to an RE. I felt giddy when I found out I could see this new RE in less than a week after that gyno appointment. I felt equally happy when my RE did an ultrasound and said, flat out: “Well, it looks like you’re not ovulating. That’s the problem.” I was so happy to have an answer to my long cycles, irregular periods, and lack of ovulation.

Then I had to wait. Waiting for extended periods of time always drag me down. I had to go through an entire cycle before I could start Clomid, because my RE meeting that day was already at least CD 5 or so. Then I needed Provera, of course. Then I got my Clomid.

Predicted ovulation time for Clomid came and went. I read online that many people found they had a late ovulation when on Clomid, and I tried to keep that in mind as I felt myself get lower and lower. I got into that funk.

Well. Last Thursday I went for my CD 21 ultrasound, which is typical for when you’re on Clomid. I panicked at the lab, because the less-than-professional young nurse was giving me crap about coming in too close to the closing time. Luckily, she still took my blood. Of course, obviously I didn’t ovulate. That’s what they were checking. I temp every day, check my CM, use OPK’s, and faithfully chart it on Fertility Friend. I didn’t ovulate. So imagine my surprise, on Friday night, when I got home at 5:00 and found this message on my answering machine:

“Well, it looks as if you’re about to ovulate, which is good….hmm…if I were you I’d go have a really fun weekend (as she snickers). We want to see you Monday for blood work again, to see if you did ovulate.”

What?? I was actually about to POAS anyway, so I went ahead and did it, and got this beautiful image:

That made my day. In all these months, I’ve seen that smiley face one time, just once. I think it was a fluke. I almost believe it never even happened. Now, it did. I’ve spent the weekend analyzing my new friend, Ovulation. Who knew? I had some major cramping all Friday and Saturday, which was a new feeling. It felt like period cramps, but of course I knew it wasn’t. My left side (near my ovary) was more sore than the right, so I assume I ovulated through that one. I have no idea, this is all new to me.

I’ve been back on a high. That said, our BD timing wasn’t…perfect. Not exactly how I wanted it to be, and I was a little concerned. But it was still there, and I’m just going to hope it was enough. I had a smiley face two days in a row, and then today, back to nothing. I assume it happened, but my temperature hasn’t risen yet.  A quick google search told me that some people take a day or two after ovulation for their temps to rise. Mine better rise. Granted, tomorrow I’m going for another blood test, so I’ll find out there if it happened or not. But it sure felt like it happened.

So I’m basically about to start the two week wait (TWW). Yuck. I have spent enough of my brain cells on all of this recently, so it would be really nice if I could just not think about it. I’m already talking myself out of it working (since the timing was not as ideal as it could have been) and planning on fixing that in the next cycle. I can’t get my hopes up.

Yet, I’ve done something bad already – I’ve allowed myself to daydream about that wondrous day when I find out that I am, in fact pregnant. Will I cry? Scream? Laugh? Stare at it blankly? How will I tell people? Will I tell people?

Why am I thinking about this??

Not yet. One day at a time.

“Hi, I’m Fertility-Challenged. And you are….?”

Today is one of those days. Bear with me as I proceed to whine, rant, and sort through my pessimistic feelings. Tomorrow will be a new day with hopefully a better outlook.

Frankly, since my last post, I haven’t been feeling all that positive – about anything, not to mention getting pregnant. I woke up yesterday morning with a severe pain on the top of my foot – I figured out that I sprained or pinched a nerve in my tendon. Or something like that. It was supposed to be Day 1 of going “back” to my healthy lifestyle (as if I was ever there before). Instead, I spent the day elevating and icing my foot. Also, yesterday morning we awoke to the news that my husband and his family’s church burned to the ground. It wasn’t devastating to him, but still, random and upsetting. It was a weird day.

Today isn’t much better. I feel my negative thoughts about to spew out; apologies in advance. I’m just in one of those moods where EVERYTHING is wrong.

My biggest complaint right now is that my body is in control of me, and not the other way around. I’m supposed to be making better food choices, and eating less, which is my goal for the month. That isn’t really happening, because I’m fixated on my messed up health:

– I have hives in my face (usually lips) every day now. Well, make that night. These hives (angioedema), unlike regular hives, form under the skin, causing swelling, as opposed to on top of the skin. I can feel when they start. They have been hanging around every single night! It is so irritating! Last night I was brushing my teeth and I felt one starting on the inside of my lip, in the corner where my top and bottom lips meet. There was a second one high up in my gums, feeling like more in the cheek. When those swell, they move up into my nasal passage and I get stuffy. I woke up this morning with swollen cheeks, lips, and eyes. Like I said, I’ve been used to this once in a while, but not every single night. It takes HOURS to go away. I’m lucky if my students can’t still see it the next day. The other thing bothering me about these hives is my anxiety. I’ve been a little paranoid the last few months that I’m going to get them in my throat and have trouble breathing. I’ve only had them in the throat a few times now, and it makes my voice all scratchy and feels like there’s a lump in there (heyy, Christmas Eve). Last night, being probably over-tired, I basically sent myself into a paranoid state trying to fall asleep, creating hives in my throat that weren’t there. AKA – I was starting to have a panic attack. Those are not things I want my mind to get used to. Not okay! I yoga-breathed my way out of it, counting backwards from 100, twice, finally falling asleep. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS??

– Slightly less scary, but annoying nonetheless, I have bad circulation in my fingers and toes. This isn’t new news to me, but lately it has been extra bad. (Is this a side effect of Clomid?) After barely being cold (or cold for just a minute), these extremities turn white and feel numb/tingly, and take forever to go away. Today, at recess with my students, I had gloves on and my hands were shoved in my pockets. When we came back in, my middle finger was all white and tingly. This afternoon, after pilates class, where I went barefoot, I came home with both feet completely white and tingly from the balls up, even though I had socks and boots on in the car. It took a good hour to restore the blood. These were just today’s episodes – but it’s been going on a while.

Why is my body screaming at me?

And then, just because it’s the mood I’m in – I’m having major Clomid doubts. First of all, everyone is pregnant all of a sudden. Including my pilates instructor. It’s everywhere! Here I am, CD 12, with a self-prescribed plan of action (based on internet research) of “trying for a baby” (so many funny/gross ways to put this, but I’ll be polite) every other day until my blood test, which is on CD 20. Even after that, I may continue with the plan (I’ve heard many people say that on Clomid, they ovulated really late). It starts today. Hope the husband is geared up! It’s almost comical – and it would be, if I had any actual feelings that this may work!

My body isn’t giving me any signs of ovulation, not that I would know what they feel like, since I’ve most likely never ovulated.

I’m going to say it; feel free to scroll down and skip this. Here’s my ultra-whine: Clomid isn’t going to work, I’m going have 5,000 auto-immune problems and be a sickly middle-aged woman, and I’m never having children! I don’t smoke, do any drugs, and rarely drink. But my body hates me, and lets me know on a regular basis.

Okay, thanks. 🙂 I knew it was just a rant. I don’t have them often, and it needed to come out. Don’t take it all to heart – I completely understand that I’ve only just begun all this, and that so many people have it so much worse. I don’t negate that at all, and I feel for all of them. I’m just bitter that I’m fertility-challenged, and even more bitter that my body has the nerve to say, “Hey, let’s make fertility a struggle. While we’re at it, let’s give you an astronomically high amount of auto-immune antibodies and throw some random auto-immune diseases at you!” I’m only 27 years old, relatively healthy. Sure, I’m a good 10 pounds overweight, but still in the cusp of the healthy BMI, and I’m holding on to that!

I do see my thyroid doctor in about three weeks. I’ll mention all of this. I’m better now, thanks. Blogging today was some seriously needed self-therapy.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Should old acquaintance be forgot…

It’s the last day of 2011, and I’m ready to see it go. I used to think that 2011 was so much better than 2010. It was, really. 2010 saw a few people I was close to pass away and it was really hard. I spent the rest of that year wondering, “Who else is going to die this year?” Horrible. I was so glad when 2011 came around. This year, I’m happy to say that it’s been better along those lines, but still not my favorite year. We started TTC this year. Prior to coming off BCP, we had been talking about TTC for literally years before that. I’m lucky that my husband would indulge in that conversation with me, even though we knew we wouldn’t be starting for a while. I originally stated that I’d be pretty mad if I wasn’t decently pregnant by Christmas. Then it was, well pregnant at ALL by Christmas. My husband used to say, right before we started, that “I’d be surprised how quickly it would happen.” All wishful thinking! That all  left my brain months ago, when I started seeing a fertility specialist.

There was so much WAITING this year. Waiting for cycles to finish (hello, 82 days), waiting for doctors to call, waiting for my thyroid to get itself into working order before continuing, and then waiting for treatment. But finally I’m on Clomid (last day is today) and I’m just happy to feel like I’ve got a little bit of a chance.

Of course, I started my blog this year, too. I have said this before, but it still stands: I never thought in a million years that it would turn into what it has become. It’s still so new, and I still have so much to learn, but it has taken on drastically different characteristics than I thought it would. But it’s great; it’s a fun new hobby that I really enjoy, plus it takes some weight off of my shoulders on a regular basis. I have a feeling there are many people who know about this who are still not totally sure why I choose to put forth my thoughts regarding fertility a couple times a week, but so many of you do understand why. Even if no one ever read it again, I enjoy writing about it.

So, while this year has taught me to locate patience in a deep-down place, I have to look ahead to next year with some hope and optimism. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy. I started dating my husband as a teenager exactly 12 years ago tonight; we’ve been through a lot together since then. We understand that it could be years until I have a child, as so many of you have had to find out. But we’re hoping that it doesn’t. And instead of analyzing to death whether it might be years or months, I’m going to have to hope for 2012 to be a lucky year. I’ve already found (some) patience, I’ve already started medications, I’ve already found a good doctor. I’m all set up. Now I just want/need to watch it happen.

Here are some fitting lyrics from the “updated, new millennium” version of Auld Lang Syne:

When dreams they seem so far away

Your soul can feel so  low,

But love is never far away

Your heart won’t be alone.

 

Well, that was enough deep-meaning reflection for one day; tomorrow I’m on a mission!