Preparing for cancellation #2

Happy Thanksgiving. I’m here for an update, one that I thought was going to be a good one and now I’m worried it’s very bad.

I’ve been taking follistim since voting day. They started slowly this time, so my estrogen didn’t get too high too fast and then plummet, like it did last time. And everything was going so well. My follicles are numerous and huge, estrogen was rising properly…tonight’s my trigger shot. Last time I never made it to this point. My retrieval is scheduled for Saturday morning. If I go.

I’m as bloated as could be, I’m finally at this point, this is finally happening, and then I just got the call that my estrogen dropped. From 1828 two days ago to 750. This is bad. The nurse said to still take my trigger shot tonight, and then come in for bloodwork tomorrow. If it has dropped again, then they are cancelling the cycle. A day before retrieval. For the second time. And since my estrogen was the issue in IVF #1, leading to that cancellation, I just have this feeling that it’s over. And I don’t understand. What is this estrogen issue? Why would my estrogen drop when it’s supposed to rise? How do the doctors fix that? I’ve never heard of this.

And it’s upsetting. Yes, I’ll be “grateful” to find out the true cause of my problem – “undiagnosed” can only get you so far (though today’s nurse dropped the PCOS title, and I thought, “finally”.) but maybe it’s something more than PCOS. So, okay, maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten pregnant on my own, and 6 rounds of Clomid and 3 IUI’s didn’t work, and my first IVF was cancelled. And maybe my second. But what can be done about that? And here I’m frantically googling how to raise it myself, in one day. Drink a lot of water? Eat more Thanksgiving turkey? Did it drop because I did something? I was kind of sick the past few days – low fever and a cold, and only drank broth, ate bananas and pretzels. Did I miss out on a key vitamin that I could now consume mass quantities of to fix this by tomorrow morning? I just hate that this is so out of my control. I mean, I realize this whole process has been out of my control, but I’m so close. I just feel like – two IVF’s cancelled and I don’t even want to do this. I do want to do this, but not if it keeps messing me up like this. I go through all the motions and follow all the rules. I’m just pissed. And on some level I hate complaining on this blog, because I don’t want the pity vote, especially from people who know me in real life. I don’t want to be the person you feel bad for. I’m so sick of that. And since I never blog anymore, I’m not sure how many people even see this. But if you do, and you have any experience with this, do you know what the deal is?

I’m upset, I’m pissed, and now I have to go to Thanksgiving dinner pretending everything is going fine.

More writing prompts and an IVF update

I’m a few days behind on my writing prompts! But first, an IVF update.

I’ve been to the doctor’s…let’s see, tomorrow will make my fourth day in a row. I guess I should’ve expected that. I really don’t mind, and I’m especially grateful that three of those days fell on the weekend, including my day off today, so I didn’t have to rush to work. The long and short of it is that my follies are still very small, yet very numerous (like, 20+ on each side). However, my estradiol shot up very quickly, from 34 to 250, to 600 back to back. So I’ve started Ganirelix, to keep the ovulation at bay I guess, even though there are no follies big enough to release an egg. I have also bumped my follistim back a bit. I’ll be interested to see how many follies are actually growing during tomorrow’s ultrasound. The other issue is I have three cysts – two on the left and one on the right. Apparently no one is overly concerned, as I keep going with this cycle. They are small enough, I guess. But they continue to be watched, and I just hope nothing happens with them to cancel the cycle. All of a sudden, today, I feel bloated and a little crampy. Nothing much by any means, but I wonder if this means things are growing in there. Here’s hoping.

Okay, my writing prompt update:

I skipped the accent one, partly because I’m late on it, and also lazy. However, I can say that I have what I deem the “typical” accent of newscasters across the country – New England, but not too North (Bostonian or Maine) and not too South (into New York and New Jersey). I’d say there’s not much to hear when I talk, accent-wise, but then, everyone says that. When I lived in London for four months and worked with sixth graders, they used to tell me all the time that my accent was so strong, but they didn’t have any accent at all. It’s all relative.

October 5: What is your favorite book?

It’s sad that I’m struggling here. I have read a lot of good books, yet titles rarely stay with me. Here a few I’ve read multiple times:

1)      The Giver, by Lois Lowry. I actually read it aloud to my students every year, but even if I didn’t, I’d read it myself. It’s a futuristic, utopian type of story, with similar characteristics to The Hunger Games, without the competition and love story. It’s So.Good. I love the deep questions it brings up.

2)      I Know This Much Is True, by Wally Lamb. Truth be told, I haven’t read this one in years, but I loved it and read it multiple times.

It’s sad that I have to stop here. I need to read more, I think. However, I can add any Jodi Picoult book to the list, especially Nineteen Minutes and a few others.

October 6: Who is your current favorite band?

Another one I struggle with. I love music – music is a huge part of who I am. However, I typically identify with melodies, not lyrics, which lead me to love random songs, rather than specific artists. My favorite genres of music are big ballads, from the likes of Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, etc., anything acapella (I’m really into Straight No Chaser and many groups from the show The Sing Off at the moment, not to mention my all-time favorite Boys II Men), and when I’m in a certain mood, quiet guitar-type music, like from John Mayer. I also listen to country (thanks to my husband) and like Rascal Flatts and Kenny Chesney, among others. And finally, I enjoy a good pop song. If I can sing to it or if the harmonies rock, chances are, I’ll like it.

October 7: If you could sleep with any celebrity who would it be?

This one makes me laugh. Before I started fertility treatments, I was clearly lacking hormones (hence not ovulating). I thought people were good-looking, sure, but the more animal instinct of attractiveness really did not exist, for the most part. I couldn’t name one celebrity I was lusting after, when everyone else in high school and college had a list 10 miles long. And then, after the hormones were shot into my system, I figured out the hype. So, I’m simply going to put my list of Top 5 celeb crushes, which I think should do the trick.

1)      Henry Cavill

He starred on The Tudors, and seriously, I can’t even explain it. Just watch that show. Now, he’s starring in the upcoming Superman movie, and yes, I will be seeing it in theaters. Possibly multiple times. If only he was chosen for the 50 Shades movies (he was being considered).

2)      Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I’m pretty particular about him – the long hair look doesn’t work for me, and I need clean-shaven as well. I’m picky – what can I say. He doesn’t fit my type as much, but I kept him in the list.

3)      Josh Hutcherson

Yeah, I know, he’s young, and I’m 28. I’m a creeper.

4)      Zac Efron

Again, I’m creepy and I’m well-aware. They are both – well, I think he and Josh Hutcherson have both reached 20!

5)      Tying for fifth place – two Gleeks: Cory Monteith (I’ll have you know he just turned 30) and Chord Overstreet

 

 

I think it’s fair to say I have a type. Clean-cut, boyish face, big eyes..yep, that’s about it.

October 8: If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why?

Last for my writing prompt updates, to be honest, I can’t see myself being anything other than a teacher. I believe I was born for the job and it suits me well. However, occasional day-dreaming, especially when I was younger, had me a better singer and less shy on stage – and my dream job would’ve been a professional performer. I like the idea of singing or acting for a living – I imagine that once the gigs come in, it’s extremely satisfying, not to mention the money. I have always loved performing, even though I’m on the quieter end of things. I think someone like Taylor Swift has the best job in the world.

So many meds!

A quick update, because there’s not much going on at the moment.

I’m on Day 6 of Provera, and will be expecting my period around Day 12. I’m going back and forth with the IVF nurse, figuring out meds. This is the sheet that was sent to me in the mail:

It looks pretty hefty. Luckily, I’m used to the follistim and Ganirelix. I am a bit confused because I was told I am using Lupron, since I am at high risk for OHSS, but it wasn’t checked off on the sheet. I think it was a mistake. Also, I have no idea what the Vivelle dots are (estrogen patch, right? But what is that, and why do I need it?) And the HCG – I knew about the progesterone shots in the butt, but didn’t realize I’d be mixing up potions too. Whatever, there’s clearly more to learn before I start all of these, but it begins with follistim, and I’m an old pro there.

My husband and I have done some research and discussed how many embryos to put in at length. Our final decision is as follows: If it is a Day 3 transfer, we’re putting in 2. If it’s a Day 5 transfer, we’re going to make a game day decision. That decision will be based on how many high quality embryos we have total. If we’re going to be freezing say, at least 4 or 5 good embryos, then there’s absolutely no reason to put in 2 embryos, in our minds. We’re still young, and next cycle we’d be able to hopefully use a thawed embryo. So we’d only put in 1. If, however, we only have 2 embryos of good quality period, and would most likely have to go through the entire thing again next cycle, we’d put them both in. That’s the plan. I understand the risk of twins, and I also understand how challenging they can be, but what I didn’t like was having to choose. Really, seeing as how we’d both love to have twins but are perfectly happy with one as well, there’s no reason to make that final decision right now. It’s going to come down to our embryos. My gut feeling is that if we get to a Day 5 transfer, I am going to have a lot of eggs taken out, and probably at least 5 good ones (I hope). If that happens, we’re only putting in 1. So we’ll see.

I just wish that day would come already. My bitterness that has lingered and hung on for the last 5 or so months is slowly being pushed aside by hope. Hope is a dangerous little emotion..too much can do more damage than not enough. But IVF is the real deal – if this doesn’t work, I guess I’d be…really surprised. It might not work the first time, of course, but eventually..I hope IVF works. I really, really want this baby. My life is suspended, completely in limbo, and we’re really just going through the motions. So here’s hoping.

Cue IVF, with a therapy session

I feel like I owe the world an update. It’s been so long (only since August 25th, but feels like forever) that I actually just had to go to my blog to see what my last post was. I couldn’t even remember what I talked about.

My last post was the night before my last IUI. Since then, I had the IUI (painful this time, really, but my head nurse declared that “this would be the one”, and it would work). Then, I had my birthday on the 29th, turned 28. I was very glad I was at the beginning of my TWW when my birthday hit, not the end. Then, school started. It was crazy busy as you teachers know – I spent the whole week before my birthday in my room decorating, and after that, preparing the curriculum, attending meetings, and then the kids came. This was the first week of school, and there wasn’t a single day I was home before 4:30, even though I got there at 7:00. I was actually grateful to have school this week, the second half of my TWW, since it would help take my mind off it. And it did.

But let’s just recap for a second. Do you recall how, in my last TWW, I took Crinone (the progesterone cream) for the first time, and no one told me that you don’t get your period while you’re on it? So in those last days, I got all excited for nothing as there was no spotting whatsoever and I thought for sure, I must be pregnant. After a blood test revealed I wasn’t, I stopped the Crinone and got my period a day or two later. And then I blogged that this time, now that I knew Crinone stopped your period, I wouldn’t get my hopes up for anything?

And then this cycle came along. Let’s just keep the story short and say this: I started spotting, on Crinone, a few days ago. Cue excitement. Maybe my nurse was right, you know, maybe it was finally my time…I kind of “felt” pregnant. What’s up with the spotting? I could only assume implantation spotting. But it was so light, that I thought it could’ve been an irritation from the cream, which happens I guess. I did test, BFN.

Until yesterday, when I woke up with some light colors that definitely could be called spotting, but not from the cream, and excitement grew. Even though I’d already been spotting for a full day, it was still so light, it just had to be implantation spotting.

Until today, when I woke up with….

….my period. Really? Really?? Think about this. Last cycle I got my hopes up because nothing happened, only to find out the Crinone delayed it. This cycle I got my hopes up because something happened, a whole lot of something, only to find out that it’s possible for the Crinone NOT to delay your period. WHAT the hell??

And I know it’s my period. Doubling-over cramping, the tampon being a must-have..and it continues to get heavier. As I’m STILL on the damn cream! I thought it wasn’t possible! So freaking frustrating, I can’t even begin to explain it. But you all know.

I did call the nurse, she responded with, “Hmm…that’s weird.” Yes, yes it is. However, she said, I could still be pregnant, so I need to do a blood test tomorrow morning. And I will. But I’m not pregnant. There’s no way. I have a full-on period. And if I was pregnant…I just wouldn’t think all this blood is a good thing. It’s a period.

Cue chocolate cravings and comfort food.

So, that’s the end of of my IUI days. Finishing Clomid was a big deal at the time, and now finishing injectables with IUI’s are old hat. Moving on. What’s next? Oh yeah, IVF.

The only thing I want to say about IVF for now is this: I went to the mandatory IVF seminar last night with my husband. The first half was very informative, our clinic has some of the highest success rates in the country (I hope they’re not just saying this), the doctor really spelled out all the steps for us. I get it. I’m good with it all, except 1) OHSS risks and 2) shots with giant needles in my ass.

But the second half of the seminar was from the psychologist. And I have to say, it was like a giant unexpected therapy session. She started talking about what we must be feeling, all 40 of us or so, and as heads started to nod all around me, I swear to god I almost cried. And I’m not really that type. It’s just – so SAD that we are going through this, so shitty of a situation I never in my life thought I’d be facing, and yet, so NICE to see 40 people sitting there smiling and nodding, and you just know, they get it. They get it more than anyone else could. And that’s also why I continue to blog here, for that same community feeling.

In addition, the psychologist validated my feelings. And I already know my feelings and emotions, and I’m actually doing fine overall, with the exception of the screaming bitterness I feel on a regular basis. Otherwise I’m good. I never thought I needed validation. But it’s crazy – I did. She started talking about how we’ve probably all heard the stupid comments people make, like, “Just relax. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to,” and “don’t stress, or you’re going to make it worse”. All things I’ve HEARD! And then we all laughed, because it’s so true. And she talked about how some people have kept this horrible secret in forever, and perhaps they might want to think about sharing it. VS people who started off telling the whole world (um, me) and are now starting to think it might be better to keep your mouth shut (yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking lately). It’s like she read my mind! And how sometimes, the people you tell and get the better feedback from are your friends, or strangers, rather than family members (hence why I continue to tell the blogging world). It was just…so what I’m feeling. And obviously everyone else there too. It was just nice. That’s all. Nice. Even though I wanted to cry the whole time. I even raised my hand (like a big girl) and told everyone how the follistim shots are nothing to be scared of whatsoever, since I was one of the few who had done any shots before. It’s an emotional thing, and I – let’s just say if you know me, you know I don’t like to be..vulnerable. I hate to be emotional. Hate it. Because I hold myself together, and I pride myself on that. But last night I was very emotional, and I realized, you know what, this is shitty, this is really shitty. Why have I been trying to play it off? I don’t want people to think I’m a mess, that’s why. I’m not a mess. I laugh, I enjoy myself, I love my job. I’m good. But it’s not..okay. This is not my life.

And then tonight we were walking the dogs, and my husband said, “You know, I really actually enjoyed that class last night. It was nice to know there were others sitting in the same room as us who get what we are going through.” And cue more emotions. I feel bad for him, I do. I feel bad for me, I feel bad for us. This just sucks, big time. Yet, as upset as I felt last night, I also felt..relief. And almost a little giddy. I suppose a little therapy doesn’t hurt anyone.

Since I’m not sure when I’ll be back for a new post, because, really, what is there to say, I’ll share the new plan.

The new plan is, I am meeting with the doctor on the 17th to go over our IVF plan, wait out the 20 or so days left in my cycle, get Provera, start a period…and then the IVF process starts. So we’re looking at October, which I knew. Maybe IVF will work. Hopefully.

A Natural Mother

What happened to me on Clomid is appearing to be happening to me on follistim. I’m sensing a trend, and it’s really the most bizarre thing.

As a recap, when I was on Clomid, it would work (get me to ovulate by growing my follies) the first time I was on a new dose. So, when I started on 50 mg, it worked. But then, the second time I would use Clomid and start on that same dose I finished with last time, it wouldn’t work, and the doctor would have to up my dose. This happened while on Clomid three different times, and my doctor would just let me stair-step my cycles (not get my period and just keep going instead). Out of the six rounds of Clomid I took, three got me to ovulate. And yes, those three were every other time.

The first round of follistim got me to ovulate. They had to play with that dosage a bit because 50 iu’s weren’t working after a while. So, a week and a half into the shots, I was upped to 75 iu and bam, I grew 3 follies and ovulated. Guess what. I’m on my second round of follistim, and the doctor started me off at 75 iu, since that’s what worked last time. It’s been over 2 weeks now – that’s a lot of shots, and I have one, count them, one small follie, barely over 10 mm. Why am I not surprised? It’s like the first time I use a drug, my body hasn’t seen it before and responds appropriately. The second time, my body fights it off like it’s nobody’s business, daring me to try yet another drug or procedure.

That whole, don’t go on vacation because your estrogen is too high not to see us 3 days in a row thing, was crap. It’s been a week and a few days since then and it’s not looking good. That said, the doctor wanted me to continue this cycle. It’s not as if he gave up on it. But this cycle is going to be one follicle strong. Just one.

I’m not begging for multiples here, and I don’t mean to imply that. However, there’s something about going through all of this, both physically and mentally, where I get to this place where my brain says – you know what, if I’m going to ovulate, it better be more than one egg. When only one grows, I just joined the rest of the population who releases that one egg on their own and gets pregnant by having sex. Ha! Clearly these three-times-a-week jaunts down to my clinic and multiple stomach bruises do not put me in the same place as everyone else, and I would appreciate my body providing me with more than one large follie in order to say, “Thanks for putting up with my crap. Here’s two (or three) eggs for your effort and well-being.”

Plus, this is my last IUI. Yes, it really is. We’ve made up our minds, and have the luxury of being able to do that with our wonderful insurance. I can’t believe I’m getting very close to pulling out the big gun, IVF. It’s scary. Terrifying.

The funny thing is, I’ve recently mentioned IVF to a few people, especially those who I’ve not updated in a while. I don’t mind updating them when they ask, I really don’t. Talking about this has never been an issue. But it’s the funniest thing – the way people react. I’ve learned that most people do not know what IVF is. I guess I shouldn’t expect them to. But I feel like I always knew. I suppose that’s not the case. Anyway, the trend in comments is basically a congratulatory one. Yes, good for you. You’re doing IVF. Yay!

No, you don’t understand. This is the next step, yes. But it’s the last step. Not last last, like there’s no other options. But last as in..the last “common” type of fertility treatment. If that doesn’t work, to my knowledge my options are: surrogate, donor egg, adoption. And those will be done, if need be, but I mean – that’s, well, extreme. It just is. But as for IVF – I’m not happy about it. It’s not a “yay”. This is a step I’m not happy about doing. It’s a huge deal, and it’s scary.

Of course, people also don’t know what IVF entails. They seem to realize the severity of it once I get to the part where they go in and suck out the eggs, one by one. (I try to make it graphic for added effect.)

I’m jumping the gun, I know. I can’t help thinking about my next cycle after this one. Surgery, OHSS risks, and what if none of the eggs are viable? What if it doesn’t work?

One cycle at a time, and I’ll find out the progress on my little follie at yet another ultrasound tomorrow morning. I did start Ganirelix and as far as I know, that means ovulation might be..getting close? Or something? Had to order another round of follistim – blew through that first 900 iu pretty quick!

School is starting soon. My main reaction to this is happiness. I have a regret about this summer – I did nothing with it. I told myself I needed to do some projects, or something. Read some good books. I don’t know what the hell I did do this summer, but I know what I didn’t do. Anything. I wasted it. But then, I suppose the whole past year has been somewhat of a waste, and the only thing that got me through it with actual happiness was my last class. They were so wonderful. I laughed every day. Now, it’s back. Granted, I’m just starting to put my room back together again, and I’m getting a whole new round of kids, but having something to focus my mind on is such a relief. I almost forget this pregnancy mess.

But then today was a reminder of what is so far away. One of my most dedicated, happy, well-rounded 11-year old students from last year has come back to help me set up my room. He is actually one of a few students helping me out in my room this week, for which I am so grateful. But he was the first. We got a lot done; bulletin boards, attacking the closet, etc. I knew he was coming in advance and I told his mother I’d make him lunch as a thank you. Nothing much – just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, a Gatorade, and chips. Well, he wolfed that sandwich down like it was his first meal on earth, and he raved about how delicious the bread was, how much he just loved the sandwich. He was also grateful for the rest of the food, and it’s not like he doesn’t eat at home! He has a wonderful family. I felt this sense of motherly..I don’t know, pride or something. Longing. That I could do something for him that he appreciated. Because he is coming back later in the week, and because my house is running out of food, I went to the grocery store after I left school. Bought more of that bread he loves (it’s my husband’s – with gluten), more jelly since we were out, Gatorade, etc. It made me happy to buy this food, and I will be even more happy when I go to make his lunch.  I realized how badly, how truly badly I want to be a mom. I want to be that mom in the store, thinking about my kids and remembering their favorite snacks, and bringing them home to make the kids happy. Such a simple little gesture but doing it for this student felt so good, it must be what mothers feel. I won’t go this far because he’s a student, not my kid, but I can’t wait to sneak a few m+m’s into a sandwich, or write a note that s/he finds at the bottom of his/her lunchbox that says “Have a great day. Love, Mom.” That’s what I want. That is the dominant feeling I am lacking most, the one that seems so very natural to me, and I think I do it well, but never have a chance to use it. I really do think I’m a natural mother. I’ve thought that for a very long time. Which is what makes this all the more difficult.

Like I said before, teaching is on the brain a bit now, and I’ll start updating my new teaching blog more often. If you haven’t checked it out yet, you can do so here. I’m a little confused with wordpress – a lot of people who read this blog are reading my new blog and getting the emails, but my new blog doesn’t say I have them as followers. I don’t get it!

So frustrated!

It’s days like today where I’d like to scream in frustration. Or possibly punch someone in the face, because that seems gratifying. What I actually did was eat some chips and have (gasp!) a soda…with caffeine!

We were supposed to go on vacation this weekend. I know it seems like I’ve been on a lot of vacations this summer but I really have not. We visited my grandparents in Maine for 3 days in July, and I did get to the cape for a few days last week, but that wasn’t with my husband. He and I were supposed to go to his lake house for 3 nights – originally Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. As this weekend drew nearer, I had a feeling it wouldn’t continue to be a 3 night, 4 day vacation, because I knew I’d have to get into the doctor’s at some point. So all week long we’ve been playing it by ear, to see which day we would go, and for how many nights.

I went in for my baseline on Monday, went for bloodwork only on Thursday, and was told to come in today for an ultrasound and bloodwork (today is CD 7). So that’s when N and I realized that our 3 night vacation would definitely go down to 2 nights, or maybe even only 1 night, depending on when they next want to see me.

So I’m getting probed, per usual, you know, again with a weekend nurse. She actually walked in me in the middle of undressing…good times. Anyway, she’s digging around for buried treasure in there, and it’s only CD 7, so I’m not expecting a lot. And rightly so. There are no follicles greater than 10mm, and frankly, I don’t believe any are even bigger than like 6 or 7 mm. She didn’t even tell me how many there were, because it’s too early. But I do have two giant 20+mm cysts on my left ovary.

Then I meet with the doctor, and I tell him we were planning on going away for a few days. Did he think I’d end up having to go back on Monday or Tuesday? Since the follies are so small, I mean. He said he wasn’t sure if it would be Monday or Tuesday, but he took down a note that said Tuesday would work better for me, and as long as my estrogen levels were low enough, that should be fine. I figured we’d be golden…how could my E2 levels be high with no follies growing?

So I went home, finished packing for the trip, N packed the cooler .We still didn’t know if I’d be going in Monday or Tuesday – meaning, a 2 night vacation, or just one night? We brought the dogs to their doggy camp, paid $70, worked out arrangements with my mother to get them tomorrow and keep them tomorrow night, if we find out I don’t have to go in until Tuesday. We packed for 2 nights, knowing it could just be for one night only, but assumed the call wouldn’t come in until we were already on the road.

Thank goodness we were running late. After dropping off the dogs we swung into a Subway, and that’s when I got the call from some other weekend nurse. They need me TOMORROW. For bloodwork only. Because my E2 is high, 213, and my dosage needs to be dropped tonight.

My 2, down to 1 night vacation has officially turned into a zero night vacation – no vacation! And we were sitting in the car, about to hit the highway, with two nights worth of meals in the cooler, bags packed, dogs gone, you know, the whole bit. Could not believe it. So on the phone I was a little in denial at first..telling her that the doctor had predicted Monday or Tuesday, and she put me on hold and talked to another doctor, who told her that I could come in Monday for bloodwork, instead of tomorrow, but to be prepared that things could progress too fast, and they might have to cancel the cycle. Obviously we’re not going to risk that. And I couldn’t even look for a place in NH that does bloodwork, because who is going to be open on a Sunday morning, at a doctor’s office that isn’t mine? So we turned around and went home. I’m not going to pick the dogs up, because they are already paid for. So they have to spend the night in a place that’s not their favorite while we are home, 20 minutes away, and I feel bad.

Then I ask the nurse on the phone what the plan is from there, and because my levels are high, and they appear to be a bit concerned about this, I will also more than likely have to go in Monday morning for bloodwork and ultrasound again. That’s 3 days in a row, people. My arm is bruising up and looking like I’ve gone on a drug binge.

In the end, we’ll go on a date tonight somewhere not far away, and just pretend we didn’t just waste $70 for doggy care we don’t need. Tomorrow, I’ll get my blood done very early, and dammit, I’m going to that lake house, but it’s only for the day. You know, because I have to go back again the next morning. So much for vacation!

I will get over it, and in the scheme of life it’s not a big deal. It’s just frustrating that we were minutes from the highway with a packed car, and had to turn around. And the wasted money. And the lack of puppies in our house right now.

But really, there’s another underlying issue maybe you guys can help me with. I’m a little concerned – I have no developing follies, but my estrogen is at 213, apparently high enough for the doctors to make me lower my dosage tonight, and go in 3 days in a row to be monitored. Should I be worried here, that something bad is happening? Could the cysts be doing this? What does it mean when E2 goes up but follies don’t grow? I’m trying not to worry, but this doesn’t seem normal. Someone will get hurt if I have to cancel this cycle.

Spoke too soon!

Quick update:  I spoke too soon, in my last post. That’s always the way. My ovaries finally responded, and I’ve got 3 follicles waiting in the wings, at 18, 17, and 15 mm. I’m supposed to trigger tonight, and my IUI is Sunday. 🙂

There are two little issues that are keeping my optimism from spinning wildly out of control, however. The first one is that I’ve got, I think, another yeast infection. It’s been 3 weeks since my last one. I tried to get an appointment at the gyno two days ago, but they won’t give me meds until they see me and see if it’s yeast or bacterial or what. Problem is, they don’t have an opening until next week. Now that I know my IUI is Sunday, I’m not sure going into the IUI with an untreated possible yeast infection is such a good idea. So I asked my RE today, and they said as long as I wasn’t planning to use the cream to treat it, it wouldn’t hurt the IUI. That said, they gave me a prescription for Diflucan, which is already in my stomach. I have to say, I’d take spending $4 on one single pill over $20 on stupid messy Monistat any day. And I’m hoping the infection, whatever it is, clears up by Sunday morning.

The other minor logistical issue with this second IUI is that my husband isn’t home! Talk about bad timing. This weekend, he is competing in his first full Ironman triathlon. For those who aren’t sure what this is, it’s a 2.4 mile swim, an 112 mile bike ride, followed by a full marathon (26.2 miles of running). He’s had this on his calendar for over a year and has been training for a long time, not to mention the fact that signing up cost hundreds of dollars. What are the odds that the day of my first IUI from injectables falls on the day he is racing? So he won’t be around. Luckily, we managed to score an appointment yesterday for him to go in, you know, and have the sperm frozen. So I can have the IUI, which is good. However, the nurse gave him a paper, which he took home to me, explaining that the success rates from frozen sperm are half of what they are for fresh. Half – that’s really awful. So what was a 20% chance of success has now dropped to 10%. And what can I do? I am disappointed, but there isn’t any other way. It’s just…what has happened. And after Sunday’s IUI I’m getting in the car and driving 4.5 hours to see N finish the race. I want to be there. Hopefully sitting down for many hours helps things out. Now I’m just wishfully thinking.

I’m hoping the yeast infection and frozen sperm don’t ruin this. We’ve got three eggs, most likely, coming out, and it would be nice if one of them actually met up with a thawed sperm. I’m not getting any hopes up in the slightest. I’m already thinking ahead to next cycle – another IUI with injectables, or move to IVF?