Re-learning me

Just checking back in, more as a way to collect my thoughts, I suppose. Two days shy of 11 weeks and I can’t emphasize enough how It is torture. And I have little timelines set in my head – if I can just get to 12 weeks, or my next ultrasound at 12.5, or 16, or 20 and find out what I’m carrying, but then after that, there will be another lull… Waiting, waiting.

And I guess I’ve heard people say that time passes more quickly after the first trimester, maybe because the pregnancy is fully internalized and then you are able to get “back to your old life”. While pregnant. But see, I don’t think I can do that. Because nothing from “my old life” is as big, as life-changing as this is. I can’t possibly imagine myself walking around all matter-of-fact – “oh, yeah, I’m pregnant. I almost forgot. Now let’s get back to teaching math.” Not to this lady. At least right now, being pregnant is in the back (slash front) of my mind 24/7. I’d say 90% is excitement, 5% is pointless worrying, and 5% is – “good lord, what have we done?” Maybe that falls under the “worrying” category as well.

I’ve done a decent job of keeping the mighty secret at work for what, again, seems like forever. Everyone knew about IVF, and then when I found out at 4 weeks, I shut right up. Of course I told my two closest friends at school, along with the school nurse at 8 weeks, and recently one more colleague, because I needed her help watching my class while I waited for the Zofran to dissolve. So that’s 4 people, and I’m good with that. Why do I need to say anything else? My bloating is like nothing else I’ve seen before, so after lunch, I sure as hell look pregnant. But whatever! I’m okay with speculation. I’m just not going to stand up and make an announcement. It is not my style. I keep assuming I will want to tell more people after 12 weeks, but who even knows. I think it’ll happen when I show, and have to tell my class, too. Until then, I’m keeping quiet.

Interestingly enough, what looks like a massive weight gain with the bloat is actually a weight gain of about two pounds. When the nausea first hit I lost 6-7 pounds, and 5 weeks later, I’ve gained two back. Looks like a lot more.

I’m having discomfort in bed. Help! I’m not even like, showing. But sleeping on my back gives me stomach pains, and on my side, my gut feels like it’s reaching and pulling so hard to reach the mattress, and it has a long way to go. So the pulling just sucks! Last night I had some killer discomfort at 2am, thanks to having a salad for dinner. Nothing was comfortable, but I’ll tell you what, that bite of the KIND bar got me back to sleep.

I tried to wean myself to a smaller amount of Zofran pills during a single day, and now the past few days the nausea has been pretty bad. I thought it was getting better, but perhaps not.

Food-wise, it’s still a crapshoot. The two items I can’t really go wrong with are, of all things, tomato-related products (especially tomato sauce and tomato soup) and melted cheese. And let it be known that before being pregnant, I didn’t particularly care for tomatoes or cheese. My massive sugar addiction that I spent a few years trying to control to get rid of my hives is nowhere to be found. I mostly want nothing to do with anything with lots of sugar, like a dessert. No candy for me. And above all, I just want “real food”. Not because I’m hungry. But anything served from a restaurant sounds pretty good. Snacks – not so much.

There’s so much to figure out, and it’s a weird thing re-learning the body you’ve come to understand for the past 28 years. I just want to get to that point where I breathe that sigh of relief, but I’m not sure that moment will ever be here.