IVF #1 – Cancelled.

Yeah, cancelled. A weird, strange turn of events and I’m a variety of emotions right now. Basically, what happened is, when I started the shots (follistim) I responded too well, and my estrogen shot up way too high, before my follicles had a chance to catch up and grow. Then it was a game of playing with my dose, and in doing so, they lowered it to bring down my estrogen to catch up with my follicles. The estrogen dropped, but it actually plummeted, so much so that even as my follicles grew, my estrogen never came back. I spoke to my actual doctor on the phone yesterday, and he said my ovaries are very sensitive, obviously, and next time, they would start me on a much lower dose and build it gradually.

My follicles grew, though. Yeah, they’ve grown. And I’ve been in to see them for ultrasounds..let’s see.. like 10 days in a row maybe? Something like that. And the past few days, the nurses were blown away by the amount of follicles. I had a total of somewhere between 60-80 eggs between both ovaries, though the amount of those maturing was probably more like 25-30. Either way, I was at high risk for OHSS, and they wanted to watch me so carefully. As of this morning, before I knew it would be cancelled, my biggest follie was 19 mm. So close. Because of that, I’m sore, crampy, slow, bloated, etc. Is it the worst pain I’ve ever felt? Not at all. But it’s enough so that lifting things is not a good idea, not to mention any sort of exercise. I had to actually wear sweatpants to work yesterday because regular pants were going to be too uncomfortable. That was just embarrassing – luckily it was a Friday, but still. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been late to work the last 10 days in a row, too. I’ve had people covering for me. I’m pretty sure the whole school knows, as a teacher who shows up late to school every day for a week and a half gets pretty obvious. I’ve been getting up at 5, leaving the house at 6, waiting there at 6:30 to be the first in line for blood, then the ultrasounds, then speeding to work and getting there around 8:45. It’s been stressful, to say the least. My job had taken a back seat for sure. I was just putting in enough effort to make it through the day. And I’ve been emotionally distant at work, too. I’m well aware. And you know what? It would’ve been worth it. Definitely. If it wasn’t for the fact that my cycle was cancelled a day or two before trigger and then retrieval and I have to do the entire thing again from scratch next month.

And so yeah, I’m kind of pissed about that.

So now I’m on the pill. Ha. The pill. I haven’t been on the pill since…two April’s ago. It’s been a long time, and I was hoping to never do it again. The only reason I am, other than following orders, of course, is because they will shrink the follies, bring me back to home base. I’m sick of sweatpants and being fat and bloated. Silver lining…maybe my acne from the drugs will clear up.

Yesterday, I was really pissed off. Today, after finally, for the first time in weeks, sleeping eight hours and not rushing to the doctor’s (I did go, but at a slower pace this morning), I’m in a weird place emotionally.

My current emotion is one I wouldn’t have expected – relief. I guess this is a point that a lot of people get to – where it’s just…it’s so much, so much on your mind, takes up your whole life, and then you catch a “break” from it – in this case, forced upon me. And this break, there’s nothing to overanalyze. I’m on the pill for a while. What’s to think about?

And it’s almost this big thing lifted off my shoulders. Today was the big marathon in our state, and two years ago, I did it. My first marathon. This morning, as I literally drove past the runners on my way to the doctor’s, I thought about that day. It was a horrible race, actually. But I was proud. And I had a goal – to finish a marathon. When is the last time I have had a goal that I have tried to reach that wasn’t baby related? I guess two years ago. That was my last goal. And today, I miss that. I want a normal life again. I want to have goals that aren’t baby related. And no, not like “losing weight”. But like, maybe running a half marathon again, and losing weight in the process. Or re-decorating our house. Or getting in as many dates with my husband as possible, and do a little traveling like we used to, when the goal was to enjoy each other fully without thinking about other people, like future children.  To love like teenagers. I miss my old life, when there was more to it than simply receiving fertility treatments and wondering why I’ve been dealt these cards.

So, I’m not sure how long this mood will last before it turns bitter and very unpleasant, but until then, I’m trying to embrace this “gift” of a break I’ve just received. We are going to pumpkin pick, do a little hiking (as soon as I’m physically able), spend time with each other, go to the movies, start on our house projects…who knows. I’m going to invest in my job again. We’ll do what we normally do, without thinking about babies. Supposedly, those babies will come eventually. But until then, right now, I need a new goal.

Going through the motions

Wow, posting two days in a row. Must be something on my mind!

Actually, I’ll keep this short. I’m already over this last stupid cycle. Well, not over it, but I’ve accepted it. I just want my period to start  officially and be over already to get started on the next round. But in no way, shape, or form am I telling myself that this time might be “the one”. No, thinking like that cycle after cycle is nothing but a disappointment. I’m just going to go through the motions and see what happens.

Jenn over at The Future Fords made a really good point in her latest post; something that has been on my mind myself. It seems like everyone is getting pregnant, and since my blog is less than a year old, I just figured this kind of thing comes in waves. Apparently not. Jenn also noticed, and while both she and I are nothing but happy for all of you, especially considering the trouble you have gone through to get to this point, I am definitely a bit jealous. Not only that, but I do wonder what I’m going to do when all my blogging friends get pregnant and I still don’t. Do I need to expand my blogging horizons? I will continue to read about you all, of course, because I am interested in your stories. But once you enter your second trimester, you just start to be in a different place, and I totally understand.  I guess what I’m saying is – it’s lonely out there in blogger world. It’s lonely in real life, too. It’s very hard to talk about the most frustrating thing in my life with people who are experiencing the greatest joy. And I’m starting to get sick of talking about my hardships, because they have been carrying on a damn long time.

I have a real life frustration of the day to share with you, as well. I shouldn’t be venting about other pregnant people because I feel bad, but at the same time, I simply have to let it out.

My coworker is pregnant, about 20 weeks. She’s very nice and sweet and really doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. I am happy for her. That said, I am watching her grow every day. I am watching her discuss every aspect of this child with every person who asks about it (which is basically everyone BUT me…I’m awful and she probably hates me). I am watching her consider ever so carefully what she eats, and what she does, and she wonders aloud whether doing or eating any such thing might be bad for the baby.

Worst of all, she recently announced to her class that she is pregnant, as she is starting to show and these 11 year old’s are mighty observant. Apparently, when she told her class, they all clapped. Now, the word has spread and my students, my awesome students of whom I wish were my personal children, are super excited about it. They can’t stop talking about it, including to me. “Did you hear ____ is having a baby?” “Oh my gosh, did you know….” etc, etc. Yes, children, I did know. And yes, I go ahead and fake this happy smile. Yuck. I’m also of child-bearing age. I want so badly for this wonderful class to celebrate with me, my pregnancy. How wonderful that would be. Of course, that’s not going to happen with this group of children. Does this all sound immature and childish? Yes, it does. But I can’t even deny it – I’m just pissed off and bitter. So very bitter.

I do want a baby. Obviously, I want that more than literally anything else in this world. But what I really, deep-down truly want, is to be knee-deep in being a mom. I want to skip all the worry and stress of this journey, and have a couple of elementary-age children in my house, now. I want to be a soccer mom (hence the name), braving the rain on a Saturday morning with my coffee and my husband as we watch my kids play, I want to go to baseball games and band concerts. I want to have tears in my eyes because our children might demonstrate talents that make their parents proud. I want to volunteer for the PTO, become friends with my kids’ teachers. I want to ring the damn dinner bell when it’s time to call in the kids for dinner; they need to help set the table. For whatever reason, these things, of all things, make me the most upset right now. Not even the failed cycle. It’s this incredible deep-down, painfully strong desire to be a mom, and to exercise my mommy-ing abilities. I think I’ll be a damn good one. I try it out on my students, and they fit the bill perfectly.

Of course, thinking about how very far from now those moments will be is daunting. I’m looking at – a good 7 or 8 years, at least. At least. When those days come, though, and I’m rushing through the house trying to prepare dinner, shuttling my kids off to piano lessons and dance class, I feel like I will be able to put this whole ordeal behind me and really, truly enjoy life. Until then, I think I’m just going through the motions.