“Hi, I’m Fertility-Challenged. And you are….?”

Today is one of those days. Bear with me as I proceed to whine, rant, and sort through my pessimistic feelings. Tomorrow will be a new day with hopefully a better outlook.

Frankly, since my last post, I haven’t been feeling all that positive – about anything, not to mention getting pregnant. I woke up yesterday morning with a severe pain on the top of my foot – I figured out that I sprained or pinched a nerve in my tendon. Or something like that. It was supposed to be Day 1 of going “back” to my healthy lifestyle (as if I was ever there before). Instead, I spent the day elevating and icing my foot. Also, yesterday morning we awoke to the news that my husband and his family’s church burned to the ground. It wasn’t devastating to him, but still, random and upsetting. It was a weird day.

Today isn’t much better. I feel my negative thoughts about to spew out; apologies in advance. I’m just in one of those moods where EVERYTHING is wrong.

My biggest complaint right now is that my body is in control of me, and not the other way around. I’m supposed to be making better food choices, and eating less, which is my goal for the month. That isn’t really happening, because I’m fixated on my messed up health:

– I have hives in my face (usually lips) every day now. Well, make that night. These hives (angioedema), unlike regular hives, form under the skin, causing swelling, as opposed to on top of the skin. I can feel when they start. They have been hanging around every single night! It is so irritating! Last night I was brushing my teeth and I felt one starting on the inside of my lip, in the corner where my top and bottom lips meet. There was a second one high up in my gums, feeling like more in the cheek. When those swell, they move up into my nasal passage and I get stuffy. I woke up this morning with swollen cheeks, lips, and eyes. Like I said, I’ve been used to this once in a while, but not every single night. It takes HOURS to go away. I’m lucky if my students can’t still see it the next day. The other thing bothering me about these hives is my anxiety. I’ve been a little paranoid the last few months that I’m going to get them in my throat and have trouble breathing. I’ve only had them in the throat a few times now, and it makes my voice all scratchy and feels like there’s a lump in there (heyy, Christmas Eve). Last night, being probably over-tired, I basically sent myself into a paranoid state trying to fall asleep, creating hives in my throat that weren’t there. AKA – I was starting to have a panic attack. Those are not things I want my mind to get used to. Not okay! I yoga-breathed my way out of it, counting backwards from 100, twice, finally falling asleep. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS??

– Slightly less scary, but annoying nonetheless, I have bad circulation in my fingers and toes. This isn’t new news to me, but lately it has been extra bad. (Is this a side effect of Clomid?) After barely being cold (or cold for just a minute), these extremities turn white and feel numb/tingly, and take forever to go away. Today, at recess with my students, I had gloves on and my hands were shoved in my pockets. When we came back in, my middle finger was all white and tingly. This afternoon, after pilates class, where I went barefoot, I came home with both feet completely white and tingly from the balls up, even though I had socks and boots on in the car. It took a good hour to restore the blood. These were just today’s episodes – but it’s been going on a while.

Why is my body screaming at me?

And then, just because it’s the mood I’m in – I’m having major Clomid doubts. First of all, everyone is pregnant all of a sudden. Including my pilates instructor. It’s everywhere! Here I am, CD 12, with a self-prescribed plan of action (based on internet research) of “trying for a baby” (so many funny/gross ways to put this, but I’ll be polite) every other day until my blood test, which is on CD 20. Even after that, I may continue with the plan (I’ve heard many people say that on Clomid, they ovulated really late). It starts today. Hope the husband is geared up! It’s almost comical – and it would be, if I had any actual feelings that this may work!

My body isn’t giving me any signs of ovulation, not that I would know what they feel like, since I’ve most likely never ovulated.

I’m going to say it; feel free to scroll down and skip this. Here’s my ultra-whine: Clomid isn’t going to work, I’m going have 5,000 auto-immune problems and be a sickly middle-aged woman, and I’m never having children! I don’t smoke, do any drugs, and rarely drink. But my body hates me, and lets me know on a regular basis.

Okay, thanks. 🙂 I knew it was just a rant. I don’t have them often, and it needed to come out. Don’t take it all to heart – I completely understand that I’ve only just begun all this, and that so many people have it so much worse. I don’t negate that at all, and I feel for all of them. I’m just bitter that I’m fertility-challenged, and even more bitter that my body has the nerve to say, “Hey, let’s make fertility a struggle. While we’re at it, let’s give you an astronomically high amount of auto-immune antibodies and throw some random auto-immune diseases at you!” I’m only 27 years old, relatively healthy. Sure, I’m a good 10 pounds overweight, but still in the cusp of the healthy BMI, and I’m holding on to that!

I do see my thyroid doctor in about three weeks. I’ll mention all of this. I’m better now, thanks. Blogging today was some seriously needed self-therapy.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Yuletide by the fireside – or something like that.

Well, Christmas has come and gone. I always feel like the preparation is so intense. As it gets closer to December 25th, the stores are even more packed and traffic is crazy; people get crazy. You do all the wrapping and cooking, Christmas music playing for 3 weeks straight. At least that’s what it’s like for me. Then it comes, and then it’s over. The next day you kind of don’t know what to do with yourself. Then again, my dining room table reminds me that there’s plenty to do:

Anyway, I had a very nice Christmas with my family, gave and received nice gifts, and did eat a lot. Although, Christmas Eve did not exactly go smoothly.

My husband loves to cook and bake – I never do unless I have to. I’m very lucky with that. So he was slaving over the kitchen on Christmas Eve from 7:30am until about 1:30pm. He made a flourless chocolate cake with chocolate mousse and raspberry sauce, a seafood dip with french bread “chips”, and a sweet potato casserole. I was having the weirdest morning, while all this cooking was going on. I felt exhausted. So much so that I took two little naps, and just generally laid around. I wasn’t that hungry, either. I skipped my kick-boxing class, which I had originally really wanted to go to. I don’t know what the deal was.

Also, I was still recovering from my massive bout of lip hives from the night before. I did take a picture, which I will not be sharing. This was one of the worst bouts I’ve had of it – when I woke up in the morning I had trouble speaking and eating because my lips were so huge. My entire face was swollen, including my eyes. Good times.

By the afternoon the swelling had gone down enough for me to leave the house. We left for my aunt’s around 2:00. Not ten minutes into the ride, we took a sharp turn, and the seafood dip, which was on the floor of the backseat, had tipped and spilled everywhere. We pulled over, I got out – and burst into tears. What? That is not usually me. But I did – I started hysterically crying, and also got really angry. I wanted to take the entire glass dish and throw it and hear it smash. Instead, I grabbed handfuls of seafood dip and threw it into the woods. Finally, we got back into the car and kept driving, with the windows open because the car smelled like fish. My hands reeked and my makeup was runny. Merry Christmas! I have NO idea why I acted like that. I’ve been saying I felt badly that my husband did so much cooking and then it was ruined, so quickly. That was part of it, but otherwise – I have no clue. I thought this was as bad as my Christmas Eve was going to get.

We got to my aunt’s house and everything was fine. I ate a few little gluten-free appetizers, talked, etc. Drank water. Around dinner, the smells in the kitchen started making me nauseous. Like, can’t-be-around-food nauseous. The meal was put out – I did something I’ve never done at a family function – I laid down on the couch and missed the whole meal. I started feeling a lump in my throat (geez, this makes me sound/feel so paranoid!) I’ve had a hive in my throat before – it’s kind of scary. You start to panic that your throat might close up. I used to have an Epi-pen, but it expired and was thrown away, thus causing my panic even more. So between my nausea and lump in my throat I was a mess. I felt the anxiety start to creep up on me  – what if my throat really did close, and I had to go to the hospital? Long story short, about two hours later I drank some hot tea and it worked wonders – calmed me down, lessened the throat lump, increased my appetite. I had my dinner around 9:00; never touched dessert. I was fine the last few hours. Went to bed – besides the hives on my back and arms yesterday morning (nothing compared to when they are on my face), I was fine all yesterday.

So it was not my favorite Christmas for all of those reasons, and these. 1) I don’t like hives. 2) I don’t like anxiety, and 3) I especially don’t like when it tries to take control over my brain, which I’m usually so good about keeping level-headed. Ugh.

For those of you without babies on this Christmas, I don’t know if you’d agree, but there’s almost a sense of relief that this holiday is over. Time to get back to work on expanding the family. Those doctor’s offices should open up again, and you can look towards January with positivity – 2012 is a new year; it’s going to be a good one.

Clomid starts tomorrow.

 

By the way – did anyone have any funny/not so funny Christmas stories they’d like to share? Anyone’s food tip over in the car?