6dp5dt and this just got real.

Not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously all along. But this is different, and I’m wary.

Here’s the thing: I have never had a problem sharing this infertility journey I’ve been on. I have actually enjoyed talking about what I have gone through and the support “in real life” has been great (and of course here as well). After all, between the crazy bloating and showing up late to work many days in a row, I appreciate the fact that I’ve been able to explain why, and tell the truth.

But now, I am getting veryyy close to finding out if my first IVF cycle will be a bust or the best thing ever. The stakes seem higher than my other TWW’s, and like I said, I’m taking this seriously. So far, my real life friends want to know everything, as they have all along. And all of a sudden, I’m looking ahead to this weekend (my beta is Saturday) and I – I’m not sure I want to share my results.

It’s not that I want to keep my pregnancy a secret from my friends, if I was lucky enough to receive good news. That’s not it at all. I’ve always said I would share my pregnancy with anyone I’d be glad for their support if something bad happened. So it’s not like I’m saying I want to keep it to myself. But…I would like to tell everyone the good or bad news on my own time. No matter the results, I’m not sure when I want to share. I might want the support immediately, after the weekend, a week later, or a month. And I’m afraid everyone will be asking me the results, and lying isn’t something I’m capable of doing, so I would have to tell them sooner than I want to.

The truth is – I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If it’s negative, I’ll be upset enough as is, and so many people have been rooting for me. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. And if it’s good news, I wish I could keep it inside for a few weeks, just until it’s absolutely positive. Just until I can say those words without having a panic attack. I’m jumping the gun, of course.

So, in a nutshell, if you’ve been following all of this and we tend to talk about it in real life often, don’t take it personally when I kindly ask you now not to ask me my results. I promise I will tell you, and soon, but I just don’t want to feel like I need to share right away. This is different than how I normally am and I know that, and for all I know I’ll march into work Monday morning with something to say. But I’m not sure. I’m protecting myself, I think. From my own feelings, which I would have to face if I shared it with others. So let’s all pretend this isn’t happening, okay? And when I have something I want to tell you and get your support about, I promise I’ll open up.

And of course, thank you to all of my kind friends who do take the time to ask me and show their support. I guess this is really a good post to have to write.

So that’s that. I guess I’m a little nervous. It’s my understanding that the PIO shots (which are really no big deal) cause pregnancy symptoms, so I’ve been ignoring my sore boobs (like to the touch, but I’ve had that before) and daily minor cramping… which I haven’t had in the past, and the fact that I keep smelling things no one else is smelling (never had that before but wouldn’t it be too early?). Yes, two embryos were put in, but they were a little behind in development, not hatching or anything. Some days I wake up and think, “there’s no way on earth this worked” and I think about my next cycle, and other days I believe it’s true, all day long. No rhyme or reason. I’m holding out on POASing, though I make no promises as to how long that will last. Do Lupron triggers stay in your system a while like Ovidrel does?

Oh, and out of the remaining 12 embryos we had…1 was frozen. 1, when if we have to go another round, we would want to put in two. Very disappointing. But one step at a time, I guess.