“Living”

Today’s photo challenge is like a word of advice out of a fortune cookie. I need to put this word into practice.

See, even though I claimed a few weeks ago that the TWW would be great; so much better than waiting to ovulate,  it’s really not much better. You start to play head games with yourself.

Some days (like the last few) I run through our timing in my head, what my so-called “symptoms” are, look it up online, and truly believe I could really be pregnant. Other days (like today) I wake up with basically zero symptoms of anything, no reminders of why I am waiting around like this, and I think – “Do you know how many people have ‘symptoms’ that turn out to be….AF?” How many times have people gone through that? A million. I can’t count my chickens before they hatch (ha).

And during this TWW, I’m not really “living”. I’m going through the motions. This weekend, I brought no school work home. I was so excited to not have to do anything work-related, and I could use my time wisely and catch up…do whatever I want! Books, magazines, the final episodes of The Tudors..anything. DH and I could hang out.

But during my downtime, which is constant this weekend, what have I done? Scoured the internet. Even this morning. I just spent like two hours online. I could’ve crawled back in bed with DH after taking the dogs out, but no. I stayed up just to….feel more confused.

I’m not “living”, not the way I want to. How does one “live”, exactly? In my opinion, I’d be doing things that are completely unrelated to anything baby, and I’d be doing those things without thinking about said baby. That’s “living” for me, right now. While I’ve already ruined Saturday, I will make it my goal for today to do things/think things that have nothing to do with pregnancy. I don’t know what’s in store – a long walk with the pups, maybe run a few errands, catch up on those magazines – but whatever it is, it won’t involve the TWW.

If I can manage it, I’ll say that I “lived” today. It’s too bad I wasted the entire last week with my brain space focused on the TWW, when I could’ve been “living”. But I have another full week to go (hopefully without getting AF..) and I must do something with myself.

This is being in limbo; it’s not “living”.

Before N and I were trying for a baby, we “lived” on a regular basis. We’re not adventurous (well, I’m not), we’re not the bar-hopping types, but we did all sorts of fun things together, all the time. My happiness was solely focused on my other half. That’s how I felt myself “living”. Now, I wonder how many TTC weeks have gone by, taking advantage of N and my happiness with him, focusing on why I’m not happy.

I’m telling myself words of advice. I understand why I’ve been feeling this way, and it’s okay to think like this sometimes. But the time has come to revert back to my old life, before TTC, and let whatever happens, happens.

So. N told me last night he’s making gluten-free, sugar-free blueberry oatmeal pancakes for breakfast, and he wants to be up around 9. I’m going to go in that bedroom, wake him up (and subsequently beg for food), and ask him what he’d like to do today. It’s sunny, it’s going to be relatively warm, and I am going to make the most of this day, dammit.

Here are a few memories of when N and I were “living”.

Climbing Mendenhall Glacier in Alaska on our honeymoon.

N flying high on our Mediterranean cruise ship this past summer.

Sweaty and disgusting, having just completed our first marathon in October 2010.

“Living” proof.