Just kidding- IVF retrieval is a go.

I hate how infertility puts you through the ringer. It’s so up and down. I just got the call from the nurse – estrogen was 3098 today, exactly where they want it to be. Yesterday’s massive estrogen drop was some sort of fluke, and I guess they are going to re-run that test. I triggered with Lupron last night. Retrieval is tomorrow.

If only I had known that yesterday. Yesterday, when I was told this cycle would most likely be cancelled, and then I had to go to my in-laws’ and pretend everything was fine, which I sucked at doing, by the way. I am the worst liar. I was miserable. And since every holiday at N’s aunt’s is an invitation for teenage mothers to burst in (non family members), I wasn’t at all surprised when this couple no older than maybe 22 came in with their beautiful infant. Their happy “oops”. I was such a wreck, I literally camped out in a different room and fought back tears. I mean, of all days. Then, when N’s cousin started to hand the baby to him, I quickly plotted my escape route to the bathroom. Luckily, he didn’t hold the baby. I just hate how infertility has done this to me. When in my entire life have I ever tried planning escape routes to avoid children? I work with them for a living! But there it was. I was anti-social, quiet, and serious. On Thanksgiving. Not my finest hour, and I may owe the family an apology. But let’s face it- this hasn’t been my finest year. I’m just not myself, and it sucks.

Now I’m a wreck in a different way. This last minute change of plans has me all turned around. I’m nervous!! Not for anything in particular I guess, but nervous for surgery, for the pain, for the meds (no hives, please), for the quality of my eggs, for my husband. For OHSS. I’m just nervous. What a perfect time to be doing construction on our house.

So here we are. I’m feeling that kind of sick like when you’re nervous, and am having trouble eating much. Sleeping tonight should be interesting as well. But unless something weird happens, I’ll be at my RE’s tomorrow morning at 8:30, with retrieval at 9:15. It is finally here.

Preparing for cancellation #2

Happy Thanksgiving. I’m here for an update, one that I thought was going to be a good one and now I’m worried it’s very bad.

I’ve been taking follistim since voting day. They started slowly this time, so my estrogen didn’t get too high too fast and then plummet, like it did last time. And everything was going so well. My follicles are numerous and huge, estrogen was rising properly…tonight’s my trigger shot. Last time I never made it to this point. My retrieval is scheduled for Saturday morning. If I go.

I’m as bloated as could be, I’m finally at this point, this is finally happening, and then I just got the call that my estrogen dropped. From 1828 two days ago to 750. This is bad. The nurse said to still take my trigger shot tonight, and then come in for bloodwork tomorrow. If it has dropped again, then they are cancelling the cycle. A day before retrieval. For the second time. And since my estrogen was the issue in IVF #1, leading to that cancellation, I just have this feeling that it’s over. And I don’t understand. What is this estrogen issue? Why would my estrogen drop when it’s supposed to rise? How do the doctors fix that? I’ve never heard of this.

And it’s upsetting. Yes, I’ll be “grateful” to find out the true cause of my problem – “undiagnosed” can only get you so far (though today’s nurse dropped the PCOS title, and I thought, “finally”.) but maybe it’s something more than PCOS. So, okay, maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten pregnant on my own, and 6 rounds of Clomid and 3 IUI’s didn’t work, and my first IVF was cancelled. And maybe my second. But what can be done about that? And here I’m frantically googling how to raise it myself, in one day. Drink a lot of water? Eat more Thanksgiving turkey? Did it drop because I did something? I was kind of sick the past few days – low fever and a cold, and only drank broth, ate bananas and pretzels. Did I miss out on a key vitamin that I could now consume mass quantities of to fix this by tomorrow morning? I just hate that this is so out of my control. I mean, I realize this whole process has been out of my control, but I’m so close. I just feel like – two IVF’s cancelled and I don’t even want to do this. I do want to do this, but not if it keeps messing me up like this. I go through all the motions and follow all the rules. I’m just pissed. And on some level I hate complaining on this blog, because I don’t want the pity vote, especially from people who know me in real life. I don’t want to be the person you feel bad for. I’m so sick of that. And since I never blog anymore, I’m not sure how many people even see this. But if you do, and you have any experience with this, do you know what the deal is?

I’m upset, I’m pissed, and now I have to go to Thanksgiving dinner pretending everything is going fine.