So many meds!

A quick update, because there’s not much going on at the moment.

I’m on Day 6 of Provera, and will be expecting my period around Day 12. I’m going back and forth with the IVF nurse, figuring out meds. This is the sheet that was sent to me in the mail:

It looks pretty hefty. Luckily, I’m used to the follistim and Ganirelix. I am a bit confused because I was told I am using Lupron, since I am at high risk for OHSS, but it wasn’t checked off on the sheet. I think it was a mistake. Also, I have no idea what the Vivelle dots are (estrogen patch, right? But what is that, and why do I need it?) And the HCG – I knew about the progesterone shots in the butt, but didn’t realize I’d be mixing up potions too. Whatever, there’s clearly more to learn before I start all of these, but it begins with follistim, and I’m an old pro there.

My husband and I have done some research and discussed how many embryos to put in at length. Our final decision is as follows: If it is a Day 3 transfer, we’re putting in 2. If it’s a Day 5 transfer, we’re going to make a game day decision. That decision will be based on how many high quality embryos we have total. If we’re going to be freezing say, at least 4 or 5 good embryos, then there’s absolutely no reason to put in 2 embryos, in our minds. We’re still young, and next cycle we’d be able to hopefully use a thawed embryo. So we’d only put in 1. If, however, we only have 2 embryos of good quality period, and would most likely have to go through the entire thing again next cycle, we’d put them both in. That’s the plan. I understand the risk of twins, and I also understand how challenging they can be, but what I didn’t like was having to choose. Really, seeing as how we’d both love to have twins but are perfectly happy with one as well, there’s no reason to make that final decision right now. It’s going to come down to our embryos. My gut feeling is that if we get to a Day 5 transfer, I am going to have a lot of eggs taken out, and probably at least 5 good ones (I hope). If that happens, we’re only putting in 1. So we’ll see.

I just wish that day would come already. My bitterness that has lingered and hung on for the last 5 or so months is slowly being pushed aside by hope. Hope is a dangerous little emotion..too much can do more damage than not enough. But IVF is the real deal – if this doesn’t work, I guess I’d be…really surprised. It might not work the first time, of course, but eventually..I hope IVF works. I really, really want this baby. My life is suspended, completely in limbo, and we’re really just going through the motions. So here’s hoping.

Should old acquaintance be forgot…

It’s the last day of 2011, and I’m ready to see it go. I used to think that 2011 was so much better than 2010. It was, really. 2010 saw a few people I was close to pass away and it was really hard. I spent the rest of that year wondering, “Who else is going to die this year?” Horrible. I was so glad when 2011 came around. This year, I’m happy to say that it’s been better along those lines, but still not my favorite year. We started TTC this year. Prior to coming off BCP, we had been talking about TTC for literally years before that. I’m lucky that my husband would indulge in that conversation with me, even though we knew we wouldn’t be starting for a while. I originally stated that I’d be pretty mad if I wasn’t decently pregnant by Christmas. Then it was, well pregnant at ALL by Christmas. My husband used to say, right before we started, that “I’d be surprised how quickly it would happen.” All wishful thinking! That all  left my brain months ago, when I started seeing a fertility specialist.

There was so much WAITING this year. Waiting for cycles to finish (hello, 82 days), waiting for doctors to call, waiting for my thyroid to get itself into working order before continuing, and then waiting for treatment. But finally I’m on Clomid (last day is today) and I’m just happy to feel like I’ve got a little bit of a chance.

Of course, I started my blog this year, too. I have said this before, but it still stands: I never thought in a million years that it would turn into what it has become. It’s still so new, and I still have so much to learn, but it has taken on drastically different characteristics than I thought it would. But it’s great; it’s a fun new hobby that I really enjoy, plus it takes some weight off of my shoulders on a regular basis. I have a feeling there are many people who know about this who are still not totally sure why I choose to put forth my thoughts regarding fertility a couple times a week, but so many of you do understand why. Even if no one ever read it again, I enjoy writing about it.

So, while this year has taught me to locate patience in a deep-down place, I have to look ahead to next year with some hope and optimism. Otherwise, I’ll go crazy. I started dating my husband as a teenager exactly 12 years ago tonight; we’ve been through a lot together since then. We understand that it could be years until I have a child, as so many of you have had to find out. But we’re hoping that it doesn’t. And instead of analyzing to death whether it might be years or months, I’m going to have to hope for 2012 to be a lucky year. I’ve already found (some) patience, I’ve already started medications, I’ve already found a good doctor. I’m all set up. Now I just want/need to watch it happen.

Here are some fitting lyrics from the “updated, new millennium” version of Auld Lang Syne:

When dreams they seem so far away

Your soul can feel so  low,

But love is never far away

Your heart won’t be alone.

 

Well, that was enough deep-meaning reflection for one day; tomorrow I’m on a mission!