(Manic) Monday Mind Dump

Happy Monday, everyone. I know how much you look forward to this day each week; I know I do. Ugh.

Today is a Manic Monday. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. My thoughts are just kind of all over the place.

My father was released from the hospital Saturday night. When I went to see him Saturday afternoon, he was 90% better, eating and moving around the room, being hyper. Apparently he went down to the lobby the night before and played the piano for the nurses. Typical. But his memory was still not perfect. He was remembering things that never happened. Either way, he was talking completely fine, unlike two days prior to that when he could barely say my name or purse his lips to give me a kiss. I am more than relieved he is home, and that this nightmare is hopefully behind us. I don’t think he realizes how scary this was, and how close to death he could have been.

He took so long to wake up properly from anesthesia due to 3 possible factors: He never went under anesthesia before, his medications were stopped cold turkey prior to surgery and he continued without them for a few days after, and one doctor thinks some of the septic toxic garbage from his gallbladder entered his bloodstream and traveled to his brain.

Either way, we will never know exactly what happened, but it took him a week and a half to fully emerge. I’m just grateful my stress levels can now return to normal.

I basically forgot about Clomid and this double-cycle. Now that the stress is over, my brain has gone back to its old ways, mostly. It’s CD 12 (I just started over, counting-wise), and I have no idea when I’m going to ovulate. And it’s kind of freaking me out.

Even though I have done all this before, this cycle I’m kind of worrying about it. What if I don’t have EWCM? What if my OPK’s never turn positive? What if I drink too much water before my evening pee and it shows negative when it’s really positive? These things happen to people, you know. And here’s a big one – what if I don’t ovulate at all, like last time, and this whole thing is for nothing?

I had read somewhere that Clomid needed to be taken every day at the same time. On the last day, I took it an hour later. Is this okay?

These questions seem silly, but they leave me feeling anxious. If I ovulated every month, like normal people, this wouldn’t be an issue (well, none of this would be an issue). I would have the same signs every month, and I’d know that the day was coming. But now, I don’t know my signs. Now that I’ve switched to the cheaper OPK’s, it’s even a little harder. This morning that second line was….pretty dark, close to the control line. But not exactly the same. Does the second line get darker as I get closer to ovulating? Am I getting close?

A few days ago, I was feeling pretty negative about this. My body is so messed up, with all the autoimmune crap. I might not ovulate on this dosage either, and then there’s only one more dosage left before Clomid is thrown out the window. Then what?! I really, really wanted Clomid to work. However, last night I did some googling (I know, I know) and it actually made me feel better! There are many people who did not ovulate on 50 mg, but did on 100. Granted, I did ovulate on 50 once, but then I didn’t, so I’m not sure which boat I fit into on that one. But you know what? I just might ovulate this cycle, on this third round of Clomid. I just might.

Yeah, I think I probably will. So you can understand, then, why I’m obsessed with making sure I don’t miss it! Not sure if I want to enter into trying every single day for two weeks straight though.

So that’s it. That’s my brain today. Oh, and My Fitness Pal, the app on my phone that tracks my calories, has also occupied some brain space. I know a lot of you love it out there. I.hate.it. I really do. You know why? Because I had a salad today, and do you know how long it takes to enter in every single vegetable in my salad, plus how much of it I ate? But I will continue using it, because it works. It really, really does. I better have some weight loss in the next few weeks, that’s all I have to say.

And now, I’m off to the gym. You know why? Because I ran out of calories on MFP, and the more I exercise, the more calories I get to eat. Off I go.



Monday Mind Dump, Round 2

It’s Monday again. While I’m really not a fan of Mondays, it does mean I get to try out the “Monday Mind Dump” once again. I borrowed the idea from Rachel on her blog, and after trying it for the first time last week, I received a lot of positive responses.

If you’re thinking of trying out Monday Mind Dump on your blog, you just let the thoughts flow. They do not need to be IF-related; in fact, it’s nice to take a break from that topic once in a while. Here’s what’s been on my mind today:

1) I had a dream last night that really spoke to who I feel I’ve been as a person lately. In the dream, a friend of mine had a baby, a girl, and because I was so wrapped up in my own IF issues, I completely missed the birth. I realized weeks later that not only did I miss it, but I never tried to find out her name or say “Congratulations”. And I felt really, horribly guilty. I woke up with this thought – “It’s not all about me.” Sometimes in this jungle of IF stuff, I think you can get yourself lost. Who were you, before you started TTC? What did your friends like about you as a person? Are you keeping your old values and goals close by, or have they been replaced? Today I feel as if I want/need to be there for my friends. I’m excited for all the steps through life they have taken, or will take, including getting married, buying homes, and having kids. Whether or not I’ve shown this caring side of myself to my friends in the last six months – well, that’s to be debated, but I wouldn’t argue if they said I hadn’t. There are many dreams in life people strive for, and I happen to be reaching towards one right now. But so are my friends. And I need to make sure I’m around to put my own life aside, and be supportive to other people. I’ve always been bad about calling/texting/making plans with other people, including those I care about. So it’s an ongoing goal to reach out more and make those connections.

2) A friend of mine gave me the book The Hunger Games today. I’ve heard nothing but good things, but I have no idea what it’s about. I’m super-excited to give it a read. Anyone out there read it? Don’t tell me too much, but what did you think of it?

3) My teacher brain is on. There are a lot of teachers out there who are reading this blog. Some of you, I’m sure, are better than others at turning off your brain once you get home. I could use a few words of advice on how to do that. As is, I came home, excited to write this post, but the things that were immediately on my brain were all teaching-related. Not because I’m dying to continue thinking about my long day, but because I can’t shut my brain off. My kids really did  not do well on that math test today. Where should I keep the money they are raising in the fundraiser? What am I teaching in science tomorrow? It’s an endless stream  of thoughts – the ultimate Monday Mind Dump. Unfortunately, they are not interesting thoughts.  They’re boring; slightly high-strung. When I get home, I want to stop thinking about school. Any suggestions?

4) CD 5, and the first Clomid pill is down the hatch. Here we go, Round 2. I have high hopes, and I’ll try not to let myself fall too hard if it doesn’t happen. 50 mg worked last time, at least with ovulation. I just hope I catch ovulation, because I’m wondering if it might happen on a completely different day. Last cycle it was CD 24, very late.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll be back Thursday, for my first ever Thankful Thursday, courtesy of Belle‘s blog. Have a good week everyone!

Monday Mind Dump?

No, I didn’t make this up. I’m not sure if it’s a known thing or what, but I’ve noticed it done every Monday by Rachel, and I think it’s a great way to talk about things that aren’t necessarily baby-related. I know there’s a certain title people use for Thursday posts, too, so look out for that. I’m trying new things this week – watch out! Are there certain types of posts for the other days of the week?

Again, I have to say that I’m feeling pretty awesome about this blog right now. Sometimes, I actually feel a little foolish, I have to admit. Like I’ve said before, there are a good number of people I am close to in my life who read this. They were my first followers before all the rest of you. And I so appreciated them taking the time to listen to me whine about my thyroid and my lack of ovulation in those first few months. But now that I’m starting to talk about other things (well, I will be shortly), they already know all this. They might get sick of hearing me talk about myself on the internet and in real life. Feel free to just delete the emails! I’ll never know…

You new blog-friends of mine, you have told me you want to know more about me. I feel like I haven’t really told you anything, other than all this fertility stuff. I found that very cool. I really thought IF blogs were supposed to be about that, and nothing else. So in a way, I feel like I’m starting my blog fresh. As of today, I have 31 followers, and almost 2,000 hits to the blog. In addition, I had a record yesterday – 71 hits just that day! I’m sure this sounds pathetic to many of you. I’ll get there eventually! But there are 31 people who read this, and I never even thought I’d get to that number.

Between the Monday Mind Dump status, and the fact that I’m now branching off into other topics once in a while, I’ll start it out today with some quick tidbits.

– In case you didn’t know, my name is Megan. I’m 27. I’ve been married for about 2 and a half years. DH and I were lucky enough to have maintained a healthy relationship through high school, college, and now. We had been dating for 9 and a half years when we were married. We started dating when we were 15 (sophomore year), but to be perfectly honest, when we were in middle school, we “went out” for a period of about 7 months, twice. “Going out” consisted of my mom allowing me to talk on the phone. And that’s it. So they don’t really count, but in a way, they do. When I’ve had major feelings for someone any time in my life, they’ve been for him.  That’s not to say there haven’t been bumps in the road, but nothing we haven’t been able to persevere through. I’m very fortunate.

– I’m an elementary school teacher. As all of us teachers know, it’s a struggle not to let teaching consume your life. I like my job most days, but the amount of work that needs to be done is unreal. I sometimes daydream of working in an office, not talking to anyone, sitting down, and getting to go to the bathroom whenever I feel like it. That said, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. My mother is a teacher, and growing up she was my idol. It’s the right job for me; it’s just draining. This year might be worse than normal, because my old school closed, and I was put in a new school at a new grade level with a new staff. So it’s kind of like starting over. This is my fifth year teaching.

– Though my career is one that requires you to be an extrovert, I’m actually really an introvert. As a teenager, I’d spend hours in my room listening to the radio and writing in journals. I felt calm and relaxed doing this. Years later, and here I am, writing in my “journal”, sipping my tea. When I was 12 years old, I wrote a “book” that filled about 4 school notebooks. It was all about my friends and I in middle school, and we all dated each other and lived on the same street (this did not actually happen). After a summer of writing, when school started again I was tired of the book and wanted it to end, so I got my character (myself) sick with an incurable disease, and because my boyfriend and I loved each other so much (my DH, of course), I got pregnant, so that after I died, he would be able to raise a human being that was half me. How completely self-centered of me! I still have this book.

– To end today’s mind dump, and as not to overbear you with information about myself, I’ll finish with my dogs. Sadie and Riley are both rescues from Georgia. They came from the same shelter, but Sadie came about 2-3 years earlier. Though they look alike, they are not related at all. Sadie (with the brown) was found at 3 months dumped in a ditch. A vet happened to find her on the side of the road and fixed her up, and took her to the shelter. We adopted her quickly after, and she is completely spoiled, so I really don’t think she has any recollection of her past. Riley is a different story. Riley was found with her real sister (who was adopted before Riley…why wouldn’t you adopt them both??) walking alongside a very busy main road. It’s a miracle they weren’t hit by cars. She was in the shelter for 4-5 months before we got her. Because of this, she is very skittish. Those first few months, she was attracted to headlights and would try to dart out into the road when we went on walks. Now, years later, she’s much better, but she eats at the speed of light and jumps very easily. Everything scares her. That said, when she’s not scared, she is the happiest, most grateful dog ever. She seems to be smiling constantly and wags her tail 24/7, even when eating. This dog can RUN. She can be very hyper, and I can play fetch with her for a good hour, and she won’t tire. Recently DH took her on a 3-mile run, and she came back in, not even panting. She’s only 20 pounds. Adopting these two dogs was the best decision. DH was set on adoption from a shelter, as he was more of a “dog person” than I was, at the time. Now I’m so glad we did. We saved two little lives and next to having my own babies, they are the best thing.

Thanks for reading the mind dump! 8 DPO, still high temps but that’s it. Have some negative feelings for the next few days, but I guess it’s not over until it’s over.