If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Welp, Mother’s Day kicked my ass.

See, the ironic thing about it is – I was prepared to have a perfectly nice day! I wasn’t upset – I feel too far away from a mom to be upset, plus, I’ve already been upset all weekend because of this failed cycle and getting my period…so there probably wasn’t too much farther down I could go. So I was good – we planned a dinner for my mother (which N cooked, of course), and we had a lunch out with N’s family as well. Really, it could have been a happy-go-lucky day.

Unfortunately, someone’s insensitivity kind of ruined the go-with-the-flow mood I woke up with. The title of this post is a phrase I have heard over and over again since elementary school. Apparently this person was absent on those school days.

This man I’m about to talk about is a family friend of N’s aunt. We see him on holidays; up until the last two times I’ve seen him, he’s been really quite nice. He’s a nice guy, is what I’m saying. I’ve got nothing against him.

Now, this is the man who, on Easter, as I was snuggling one of my dogs, said out loud in front of N’s family, “See? You don’t need kids – you have dogs!” That was irritating enough, especially because he knows my situation. I didn’t tell him, but I know that he knows.

Yesterday, as he and his gf arrive at the restaurant, he gives me a hug and says loudly, “Do I need to be wishing you a Happy Mother’s Day, too?” I couldn’t believe it. He laughed, really loudly, as I said, “No! And if you do, I might cry, so please don’t.” You’d think me saying that would give the hint not to ask me about it. Not only that, but what if I was pregnant? Did he think I’d choose that moment, in a “hello” embrace to announce to my in-laws that I was pregnant? Just because he asked?

So I was kind of miffed throughout the lunch, even making a comment to my MIL about how that was a tad bit insensitive, of which she agreed. But I moved on and enjoyed the meal. At the end, as he was leaving, he said goodbye to our whole big table. He offered up a, and I quote, “Happy Mother’s Day – and you Megan, well, Happy Mother’s Day…soon? Hopefully in the future? Sometime? Not for a while? Hopefully soon…” And as he’s going on this rant, in front of everyone, I just kind of looked up at the ceiling and I recall saying something like, “I have no words….” And I didn’t. I was almost speechless, kind of in shock. I just did not know how to respond. After the comment he made when he walked in, and the one on Easter…I’m not sure I want to be around this guy anymore until I actually have a good announcement to make. Yuck. It did kind of dampen my spirits, I have to admit. I just wanted to forget about my own problems and focus on my mother and MIL. But he, so kindly, had to bring my lack of a pregnancy back to life.

Okay, this isn’t the only reason I posted. I also have news, for what very little news it is, but hey, something to talk about.

My nurse called today. I’m supposed to start Clomid tomorrow. It went something like this:

“Megan? I spoke with the doctor. He says you didn’t ovulate on 100 mg (yes I did, just in a stair-step, not on its own), so he would like you to start up with the 150 mg, like you just ovulated with.”

“Okay, well…what happens when I have to stair-step? I was hoping not to have to go up to 200 mg.”

“You won’t have to stair-step.”

“I’m sure I will, I always have to. The first round isn’t going to work.”

“It IS going to work. It’s going to work, okay?”

“Oh…okay then. Thanks.”

I was at a Starbucks and couldn’t think of exactly what to say to her at that moment, but my question is: did she say I wouldn’t have to stair-step, and that I’d have a normal length cycle this time because…..science told her so? Or because she’s being optimistic and therefore wouldn’t address my question? Because I’m all about science…but I’m supposed to have the hope. Not my nurse..she needs to have the meds.

So, with that said, I’m starting Clomid, Round 8,071 – I mean 4 (6 counting the times I didn’t ovulate) tomorrow, as CD 5, heading towards IUI #2. Yippee. Looking forward to hot flashes and mood swings, usually swinging more down than up. We’ll see, 55 days from now, how long this cycle turns out to be.

 

Being a mother – through nature or nurture.

Well, I’ve reached the final stage of grief after that last 60-day cycle: acceptance. And on Mother’s Day, no less, which I will call an accomplishment.

I’m good, I’m over it. It sucks, for sure, to know I won’t know if I’m pregnant next cycle for another 2 months, but I try not to think about that. The fact of the matter is, I got my period three days ago, and now I’m moving on. On to the next cycle.

I am a little concerned about the plan. I called the nurse on CD 1, and she was out, and a substitute nurse tried to answer my questions. She didn’t know my story, but to make a long one short, she basically told me that people with anovulation as their diagnosis (still not hearing PCOS, but I know it’s there) have to have an extra dose of patience (ha!) because everything just takes a long time. I said, I understand that, but I only ovulate if I stair-step Clomid (take a second dose in the same cycle) – do a lot of other people do the same thing? Yes, she said, they do. She was kind enough to say a few kind words, such as, “I know how hard this must be for you,” which is something my regular nurse never does. But she checked my chart, said the doctor wants me to continue as I have been, and that’s it.

I guess I can continue with the double cycle thing. I hate most of all that they are 2 months long, but that’s only because I don’t ovulate the first time! What I am concerned about is the dosage of Clomid. I feel like the doctor hasn’t been paying attention. When I started Clomid, I did ovulate on 50 mg. Then, after my period, I required my first stair-step, from 50 to 100 mg. Then, on the next cycle, I needed to stair-step again, from 100 to 150 mg. Now, here I am, no doubt I’ll be starting on 150…and it won’t work, and they’ll put me on 200 mg. But I don’t want to go to 200 mg. The hot flashes and emotional ups and downs get worse with each increase in dosage. Doesn’t he see that I did ovulate on 50, 100, and 150? I just needed a double dose to do so. So I proposed (in a voicemail to my nurse) that if I have to stair-step again, which I’m sure I will, I start at 150, fine, sure, but then the second round, I do 150 again. Or even 100. Why go to 200? Anyway, I expect to hear about that tomorrow, as I need to start Clomid on Tuesday.

So that’s enough about that. As I did last cycle, I’m taking a Fertility Friend break – no temping, no any of that. I know the current situation well enough on my own. And now I feel like I’m getting pretty good at being able to tell when ovulation is coming, so I don’t really intend to temp until the week of ovulation. If that. I may just say, screw it this cycle. Let’s try a round without charting. I’m sick of being obsessive – that dies out pretty quick when you only ovulate every 2 months and that fails, again and again.

I’m also at a place, mentally, that I get to every cycle around this time. Shoot, if I can’t be pregnant, I might as well look good. Which means lose weight. I’m not overweight, really. BMI is still in the normal range. However, for my clothes, for my normal, I’m a good 15 pounds heavier than I should be. My jeans that used to require a good strong belt, now requires nothing and is frankly tight. But it’s not just the looks. I swear, I wonder if being 15 pounds overweight has anything to do with not getting pregnant. A lot of people say, once they do lose the weight it happens. Also, with PCOS symptoms…I feel like losing weight right now would be the #1 smartest thing I could do for myself.

Unfortunately, I SUCK at willpower. Really, really bad. I have cut out gluten and sugar from my diet, but only like…98% of the time. Eating gluten is just plain stupid – I end up with horrible stomach pains the next day. Eating sugar is equally stupid, I come out with massive lip hives that take 24 hours to go away, as I found out two nights ago from eating 1, just 1, delicious meringue at a wedding shower at my school. Between the hives and the IBS problems, you’d think I could keep away from those two things.

But it’s not just that. If I put my foods into a list of things I shouldn’t eat, gluten and sugar would be #s 1 and 2. However, #3 would be corn products – and I’m SUCKING OUT at that. Chips and salsa = comfort food. And corn tortillas are a nice substitute from the flour ones. #4 on the list would be processed ANYTHING. Tell that to the rice cereal with almond milk I just ate. Yum. The paleo diet got old – it just…I can only eat so many veggies, fruits, nuts, and meats. I start to lose my mind. But I need to try it again – maybe keeping dairy around this time, but it’s got to happen. Unfortunately, breakfast is already in my system so it’s going to have to wait until lunch.

But seriously, how nice would it be if I could lose this little stomach that calls attention as if I were pregnant, and people could comment not on wondering if I am expecting or not, but on how awesome I look. That would make me feel better.

I also am starting to feel like I’m getting old (tell that to the guy at Costco yesterday, when, after checking my ID while I was buying wine, proceeded to still ask me my age and stare me up and down – YES, I’m 27, I’m married, see my ring? I’m a teacher. I’m not under 21. Good god. This happens all the time, and I think I’ll post about it in the future because there have been some funny stories.) On Friday, as I do every Friday, I play with my kids at recess. Usually either basketball, racing, or, for the first time, kickball. Sprinting around those bases did a number on me, as did racing them back up to our building. I nearly had to sit down and felt dizzy. Yuck – I just watched an episode of Modern Family last night where the father can no longer stomach roller coasters because he’s getting older and that sucks. That’s how I felt – except dammit, if I’m not going to have any of my own children right now, then I want to feel like a kid myself. At least physically. I look the part, I just have some extra poundage and I can’t sprint the bases without sore legs and dizziness. So I really want to work on that. I mean, how many more years of teaching will I be able to play with my students at recess? I’d like to extend them as long as possible.

So, I’ve decided that I need to start doing things that are just for me. Every single minute of my life, I feel like, I’m doing something for someone else. Certainly, in my job, whatever I do is for 23 10 and 11 year old’s. But when I get home, before I get to change out of my clothes or go to the bathroom, I’m doing things for my dogs. Later on, I’m cleaning, straightening, organizing, making lunches, walking the dogs….and it’s the same on weekends, just add 7 loads of laundry and grocery shopping. Sure, I do watch a show once in a while, and I blog here, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

N joined a men’s softball league and I went for a few minutes the other night to check out his first game – and that, I realized, is what I need. I need to join an organization that happens after school or at night, that makes me feel as young as I look, and takes my mind off of what I can’t have. Specifically, the two organizations I want to join are a women’s softball league and a chorus. A good chorus.

Problem is, I waited too long on the softball…because I thought I might be pregnant. And the chorus – I just can’t seem to find a good one in my area. But I’ll keep looking, because right now, I feel that could really help me out.

It is Mother’s Day after all, and because I’ve never even gotten close to pregnant, I’m not upset. We got an email from our principal the other day wishing all of us, those who are moms through nature or nurture, a Happy Mother’s Day. I like that – a mother through nurture. Nurturing, guiding, and teaching 23 kids every day – yeah I guess that counts, too.

And most of all, for my own mother, as a great role model, fellow teacher, and future grandmother. 🙂