Not a happy girl.

13 DPO, and I’m not pregnant. And I’m really upset.

I wasn’t going to post this weekend – whatever the outcome, I was just going to let it sink in before I wrote anything. That’s the problem – it’s not sinking in. I can’t accept this. And I’m also confused.

This is my chart.

I could not have asked for a better looking chart post ovulation. The temps kept climbing and climbing, I had lots of cm all the way through, and I made it through 9 and 10 DPO without spotting, like I did last time. Combine these beautiful temps with our timing, and I really, really thought we had it in the bag. I can’t emphasis enough how stupid I was, to be so sure of something, so convinced this happened that N and I started talking about due dates, and when he would take off work. How we would tell the relatives. Colors of a baby room.

Then, Thursday night (11 DPO), I had a small amount of spotting. Nothing major. I know implantation bleeding can happen as late as 12 DPO, so 11 DPO was certainly possible. I had no AF cramping, no AF signs whatsoever. But I started to panic. Then, yesterday, 12 DPO, after light spotting through the morning, I went to the bathroom at lunch to discover a horrible color – bright red. (Sorry for this TMI) I was upset, but I held it together. I threw in a tampon and finished the day. After I came home, I took out the tampon – no more red. Not even on the tampon. Back to a little spotting. Made it through the rest of the evening with nothing, or very, very light spotting. Did some Googling, it’s even possible to have a little bright red implantation spotting. It’s possible. I continued to hold out hope.

I also want to point out that on the two days I had spotting (the last two), my temp went up .2 each time for a total of a .4 increase. How could I have this spotting with that kind of increase? Hope continued.

This morning, as in 15 minutes ago, I woke up, removed the tampon I threw in overnight just in case, still spotting on it. A little bit of red as well. Very light, nothing major. I’ve got nothing right now at all.

I continue to not have any AF cramps, and I always have AF cramps. My temp continues to be up, though it dropped back .2 today, as you can see on the chart. I can’t officially call anything CD 1, because I need a regular flow for that, and that has not happened yet. But who has three days of implantation spotting this late in the game?

I have tested. I tested Thursday, yesterday, and this morning. All negative. Not even a trace of a second line.

I think it’s over. My body is being so cruel to me, in not giving it to me straight one way or the other. For dragging me through the mud. I still don’t officially, fully have AF. I have no signs of AF. My temps are high. But there is still spotting, still blood, still a little red. And negative tests.

I’m all for continuing to have some hope. It’s not over ’til it’s over, anyway. But at this point, this morning, I can’t do it anymore. I simply can’t. Holding out hope for the last week has caused me physical pain. I haven’t been able to sleep, my stomach’s been a mess. I’ve been nursing bananas and Gas-X. Something similar last time happened to me too, the last week. I’m such a wreck, because I’m so hopeful, yet so worried.

Last night, after being sure I was starting AF, N and I went out to dinner, and I ate and ate. I don’t care about the portions or the fat, I was happy that I craved food again, and could eat something that’s not off the BRAT diet. We went to the mall afterwards, stopped at Yankee Candle, had a PG rated good time smelling all the new scents, and picking out a few new ones for our home. I laughed, I paid attention to N, which I haven’t done since ovulation, basically. I’ve been glued to my phone.

If this cycle really is a bust, my goal for the next cycle will be to truly chill the f out (easier said than done, for me), enjoy life during the TWW, and the weeks leading up to ovulation. Which is basically my whole cycle. Enjoy life. Be with N. We will attempt not to talk too much about babies, but we enjoy it. It makes up hopeful. Hope is something you have to have. I think I just had a little too much of it this time.

That said, I still can’t. believe. it. Is it really over? Really? The way I felt 99% sure this happened, that was all in my head? I still don’t have the low temps or the sustained period to fully believe it. But who am I kidding. All those people out there who have found themselves pregnant in the last few months, and I could’ve sworn I would be joining them. I was so absolutely sure.

I know it’s just a BFN. And I know how many of you have gone through this, times 100. It’s just a negative cycle. I understand that, and I’m not meaning to say it’s the biggest thing in the world. I’ll have kids, I know that. I just completely threw my heart and soul into believing this was the one. I had a couple other people believing it, too. I can’t believe it didn’t happen. I still can’t believe it.