Home again

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It looks like the dogs are really hating the couch rest, don’t you think?

Thank goodness they behave when it’s just me at home alone. Sadie paws at the door when it’s a beautiful day because she wants to lay in the sun, but otherwise what you just saw is what I get. Poor things don’t get much exercise anymore. But they are really cute.

The summary of today’s appointment is this:

I am at home on bed rest, as opposed to in the hospital, as long as my contractions stay irregular, no matter what my short cervix length is. If my cervix does get super short or nonexistent (it’s holding out at 1.3 cm), then I’ll no doubt be having regular contractions and will need to be hospitalized.

This is actually good news, especially since my cervix isn’t any shorter than it was last week, but the bad news is that I am contracting. They are still irregular overall, but I can feel them. They are now strong enough for me to have figured out what they feel like. In my non-stress test today, I had only two, but 10 minutes apart. They sent me home, but these contractions make me really nervous. And I seem to get them from talking, getting stressed out, being in the car, and eating. So I’m keeping track and praying they stay irregular. And I’m keeping still and not talking much. It just sucks.

In other news, I am also concerned that I’m not gaining enough weight. Again, I’m not petite here. My starting weight (after losing 7 pounds with first trimester nausea) was 140. But I’ve still only gained 15 pounds or so, and I’m 25 weeks with twins! Not only that, my stomach since being on couch rest has shrunk at least in half. It is the smallest bump. I could probably put on a sweatshirt and you wouldn’t know I’m pregnant. It’s such a drastic difference in two weeks and I don’t like it. 6 months pregnant with twins – I should be quite large, right? What’s up with that? Doctors aren’t concerned or even thinking about it. I just want the babies to have the healthiest weight possible when born. I never had trouble gaining tons of weight with my thyroid problem – now is not the time to all of a sudden be slim.

New and old worries – not every day is like this but today it is.

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6dp5dt and this just got real.

Not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously all along. But this is different, and I’m wary.

Here’s the thing: I have never had a problem sharing this infertility journey I’ve been on. I have actually enjoyed talking about what I have gone through and the support “in real life” has been great (and of course here as well). After all, between the crazy bloating and showing up late to work many days in a row, I appreciate the fact that I’ve been able to explain why, and tell the truth.

But now, I am getting veryyy close to finding out if my first IVF cycle will be a bust or the best thing ever. The stakes seem higher than my other TWW’s, and like I said, I’m taking this seriously. So far, my real life friends want to know everything, as they have all along. And all of a sudden, I’m looking ahead to this weekend (my beta is Saturday) and I – I’m not sure I want to share my results.

It’s not that I want to keep my pregnancy a secret from my friends, if I was lucky enough to receive good news. That’s not it at all. I’ve always said I would share my pregnancy with anyone I’d be glad for their support if something bad happened. So it’s not like I’m saying I want to keep it to myself. But…I would like to tell everyone the good or bad news on my own time. No matter the results, I’m not sure when I want to share. I might want the support immediately, after the weekend, a week later, or a month. And I’m afraid everyone will be asking me the results, and lying isn’t something I’m capable of doing, so I would have to tell them sooner than I want to.

The truth is – I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If it’s negative, I’ll be upset enough as is, and so many people have been rooting for me. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. And if it’s good news, I wish I could keep it inside for a few weeks, just until it’s absolutely positive. Just until I can say those words without having a panic attack. I’m jumping the gun, of course.

So, in a nutshell, if you’ve been following all of this and we tend to talk about it in real life often, don’t take it personally when I kindly ask you now not to ask me my results. I promise I will tell you, and soon, but I just don’t want to feel like I need to share right away. This is different than how I normally am and I know that, and for all I know I’ll march into work Monday morning with something to say. But I’m not sure. I’m protecting myself, I think. From my own feelings, which I would have to face if I shared it with others. So let’s all pretend this isn’t happening, okay? And when I have something I want to tell you and get your support about, I promise I’ll open up.

And of course, thank you to all of my kind friends who do take the time to ask me and show their support. I guess this is really a good post to have to write.

So that’s that. I guess I’m a little nervous. It’s my understanding that the PIO shots (which are really no big deal) cause pregnancy symptoms, so I’ve been ignoring my sore boobs (like to the touch, but I’ve had that before) and daily minor cramping… which I haven’t had in the past, and the fact that I keep smelling things no one else is smelling (never had that before but wouldn’t it be too early?). Yes, two embryos were put in, but they were a little behind in development, not hatching or anything. Some days I wake up and think, “there’s no way on earth this worked” and I think about my next cycle, and other days I believe it’s true, all day long. No rhyme or reason. I’m holding out on POASing, though I make no promises as to how long that will last. Do Lupron triggers stay in your system a while like Ovidrel does?

Oh, and out of the remaining 12 embryos we had…1 was frozen. 1, when if we have to go another round, we would want to put in two. Very disappointing. But one step at a time, I guess.

Just kidding- IVF retrieval is a go.

I hate how infertility puts you through the ringer. It’s so up and down. I just got the call from the nurse – estrogen was 3098 today, exactly where they want it to be. Yesterday’s massive estrogen drop was some sort of fluke, and I guess they are going to re-run that test. I triggered with Lupron last night. Retrieval is tomorrow.

If only I had known that yesterday. Yesterday, when I was told this cycle would most likely be cancelled, and then I had to go to my in-laws’ and pretend everything was fine, which I sucked at doing, by the way. I am the worst liar. I was miserable. And since every holiday at N’s aunt’s is an invitation for teenage mothers to burst in (non family members), I wasn’t at all surprised when this couple no older than maybe 22 came in with their beautiful infant. Their happy “oops”. I was such a wreck, I literally camped out in a different room and fought back tears. I mean, of all days. Then, when N’s cousin started to hand the baby to him, I quickly plotted my escape route to the bathroom. Luckily, he didn’t hold the baby. I just hate how infertility has done this to me. When in my entire life have I ever tried planning escape routes to avoid children? I work with them for a living! But there it was. I was anti-social, quiet, and serious. On Thanksgiving. Not my finest hour, and I may owe the family an apology. But let’s face it- this hasn’t been my finest year. I’m just not myself, and it sucks.

Now I’m a wreck in a different way. This last minute change of plans has me all turned around. I’m nervous!! Not for anything in particular I guess, but nervous for surgery, for the pain, for the meds (no hives, please), for the quality of my eggs, for my husband. For OHSS. I’m just nervous. What a perfect time to be doing construction on our house.

So here we are. I’m feeling that kind of sick like when you’re nervous, and am having trouble eating much. Sleeping tonight should be interesting as well. But unless something weird happens, I’ll be at my RE’s tomorrow morning at 8:30, with retrieval at 9:15. It is finally here.

AF and the flu?? Or…

Something weird is going on. My body is being…weird. Either I’m coming down with something and getting my period at the same time..or something else.

What a tease.

I’m trying not to think about it. I have to admit I did a little googling but I didn’t overdue it.

So here it is. Yesterday and today (9 and 10 DPO) I spotted. It was off and on throughout both days, but last night it was enough for a tampon, and now there’s nothing. Without getting graphic..it’s not my full period yet. Also, I always get cramps with my period. No cramps. In addition, my temp hasn’t dropped. It hasn’t exactly risen either much, but it has not dropped.

The weirdest part of all is how I feel. I feel like crap! Both days, I’ve had no appetite. I didn’t eat dinner at all last night…and I’m not one to skip meals. Have a bit of chills…but basically it’s an overall yucky feeling. I still go to work and all. I just definitely don’t feel right. Like I said, I thought I might be coming down with something. But wouldn’t it be here by now? And what’s up with this spotting??

I’m still holding out until the weekend to POAS, for sure. And though I’m telling myself to chill out and not get my hopes up..my stomach is in knots. I’m nervous!!