IVF round 2 and new paint.

I don’t have much of an update, but I figured I might as well keep you posted, if for no other reason to remind myself that I am still dealing with this, and so are you. I read your posts and there’s been a lot of good news lately, so perhaps that might extend my way.

I’m 5 days in with my follistim shots to the gut. This cycle, my doctor has me on only 75iu, and this is for an IVF cycle! But as we found out last cycle, which of course was cancelled before retrieval, I over-stimulate very easily. Still, it seems like a low dose. That said, my estrogen is climbing slowly and appropriately, so maybe I will actually get to retrieval this time. I am starting to feel my ovaries again. On the elliptical yesterday, apparently my resistance was too high because I felt a familiar pinch followed by a cramp. Gotta take it easy I guess. Bloating is here, and maternity pants will, pathetically, be my friend next week at work.

This sounds stupid but I am a little concerned that my retrieval could be next Saturday. It will definitely be right around there. Months ago, I bought my husband a trip around a race track in a stock car for his birthday, and Saturday is the date. And I can’t change it. I really want him to have that experience. So we’ll see.

So to practice “taking it easy”…my husband and I decided to redo our entire main floor- new white moulding, new paint, new doors, refurnished floors. Lots of work and lots of mess. But we are realizing we are going to be in this house a lot longer than originally planned, so for our sanity (since we aren’t too happy about it) we need to make this house feel more like home. So far we ripped all the moulding off and painted the dining room and attached hallway. Next weekend I might have no choice but to relax, so until then, we’re painting machines. And that’s all I’ve got! Hopefully my next post will be in regards to a damn retrieval!

Stupid ovaries.

My ovaries and I aren’t getting along at all. As the days pass, I’m coming to the realization that my ovaries are lazy. Stagnant, unconscious. They don’t DO anything.

I should have already known this, since I was only able to ovulate on Clomid when I stair-stepped, and each cycle would be 60 days long. For some strange reason, I assumed that moving on to the big drugs, the real deal, would change all that. I was wrong!

Today will be my 14th day of follistim. I did 5 or 6 days of 50 IU, 5-6 days of 66 IU, and today is Day 3 of 75 IU. My last blood test a few days ago showed that my estrogen actually dropped a little bit, and the ultrasound didn’t have a single follicle on each side larger than 8 or 9 mm.

Is this normal?

Even though the labs don’t say it, I must have PCOS. There has yet to be a moment where my doctor confirms I have PCOS, but if you have 30 follicles on each side, just hanging out, isn’t that a strong indication? I understand that my doctor wants to take things very slowly, because of those 60 follicles. I imagine I’m at a high risk for multiples, if my ovaries ever decide to actually do anything! Right now, the only thing growing is my frustration level.

And I’m used to waiting, by now. I should expect that it takes forever for my follicles to grow. It’s just that I wonder if it’s worth it, to do follistim with an IUI, if it’s going to take months to get there.

I did a little googling and it seems others in my situation just say the hell with it, and go to IVF. I am willing to do that – next cycle. It’s not an option for this cycle, and I did check. So I need to wait this one out, again. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen, and I’m still holding out a little hope, but I wonder how many days of shots I will be doing before a doctor says, this isn’t working. On to the next thing.

It’s funny how that “woe is me” attitude creeps up on me. Once I started the shots, I was feeling pretty decent again. Now that nothing is happening in there, those thoughts just appear in my head again. They tell me it’s going to be a long time until I’m pregnant. They tell me I’m going to be doing IVF during the school year, which makes for a stressful time. And the scariest thought is this: what if my autoimmune problems, which are clearly still around, aren’t going to allow the 1) follicles to grow, 2) sperm to meet with egg, 3) BFP to stick, 4) baby to be carried to term. Seriously, the “woe is me” attitude brings about many worries, and they don’t help me in the slightest.

It’s the worrying right now that holds me back. I would’ve liked to join in on the diet and fitness challenges that Belle, Sunny, and Jenn (among others) are doing, but I can’t make the commitment. What if I need to eat rice krispies with almond milk in the middle of the day to make me feel better? And how can I find the right diet? The diet that feels best for autoimmune problems is not exactly the same as the PCOS diet, and I feel like I have too many health problems all at once to figure out what my body needs.

The one thought I’m trying to push away is the fear. If I could successfully completely cut out certain foods from my diet, would I get pregnant then? If I was just more dedicated to health and fitness, would it happen? Is the fact that I ate an ice cream the other day, with sprinkles, mind you, which had dairy and sugar (two things I usually don’t eat), and I had stomach issues the next day  – could that be why my ovaries aren’t functioning?

These are completely irrational thoughts, and I understand that. But I hate feeling so out of control with my own body. Naturally, I want to place the blame on myself, because when I do that, things make sense. If I just throw my hands up and say it’s not my fault, well then, it doesn’t make sense to me. But by doing this, I am adding so much extra pressure to myself that I don’t need, and it causes me to…overeat. I have always held myself to standards that are too high. I have always put on the pressure, the stress. Now is no exception. It’s very hard to let go. Ugh. I do want to get in on those challenges, girls. I just don’t know where to start.