“The Clomid Games”

What a difference. I can’t believe how drastically my thought process has changed in the last day or two. I don’t know what it was, exactly, that gave me this kick in the pants, but now I feel like a new person.

Two posts in a row all about thinking positively, combined with my tag bubble, tells me that optimism and pessimism are something I apparently struggle with. I always want optimism, but I tend to find pessimism. Now, I’m trying to reach for it.

What was it that helped, you ask? There was no mind-bending google search that put my mind at ease; obviously there was no guarantee of anything (is there ever?). Simply put – I started thinking optimistically.

All along, I had been doing it wrong. I knew that positive thinking meant telling yourself something good was going to happen, or that things would find their way in time, or whatever. Here’s what I didn’t know: when you say those things to yourself, you’re supposed to believe them! Who knew?

I’ve been telling myself that pregnancy will happen, and hopefully with Clomid. I only have the medicine for two more cycles after this, so there really is a timeline.  But I’ve never actually believed Clomid will work. I went through the motions of “not worrying” – aka, thinking positively, but I didn’t take it to heart. Now, I have. I am believing that Clomid is going to work for me, and soon. Yes, soon. Not necessarily this cycle, but in the next few. I suddenly feel so sure of this that I even made a comment this morning to my husband, while we were discussing a future purchase that was not cheap. I literally said, “We might want to wait a few months to buy anything major, so that if (or did I say ‘when’?) I’m pregnant we can decide what we really need.” I just gave myself a timeline – months!

Now, I’m the first one to raise my hand and say, “You’re being stupid – bad idea.” If you’re thinking this right now, I’m with you. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to get to this point, because I have been telling myself that. The higher you climb, the farther you fall. Stay close to the ground and you won’t get hurt. By thinking this way – I will be pregnant in the next few months – I am subjecting myself to a crash landing. It’s risky business, this whole positive thinking.

See, right now, the pros far outweigh the cons for me. How can I be frustrated/worried/sad/anxious (well, I guess I am still anxious) when I think I will be pregnant soon? I really think it’s coming soon for me. All I have to do is wait a little longer.

I imagine how many bitter reactions I may have to this post. So many of you have probably written something like this. Those of you who have been on this ride for many years have had more ups and downs than anyone should have in a lifetime. I know that this post, today, could come across as naive and insensitive, and perhaps you’re right. I certainly don’t mean it like that. But I am still in the early stages (I’ve only been on Clomid, that’s it) and I have to tell myself it’ll work. I  have to believe it’ll work.

For those who know me, two words that are rarely used in my vocabulary are “hope” and “faith”. I did write a post about hope, once, and I see the benefits. But it’s just not how I think. I’m still not going to say that those words describe me. However, I believe it’s going to happen – I really do. This may be totally blind, utterly dumb, and something I might really regret by late spring, but for right now, I’m going with it.

CD11, and we’re gearing up for what I’m going to officially call “The Clomid Games” (yes, I just finished the Hunger Games and it was sooo good! Now it’s on my brain.) My husband doesn’t want to know the details of my smiley faces this cycle – too much pressure – so I’m subjecting him to random game…quests (ha) and not letting him know when it’s started or ended. I, myself, am not sure when it will start or end, as I O’d on CD 24 last cycle. But I don’t want to wait and take the chance. Let the games begin!

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Positive thinking, or completely crazy?

Clomid, Round 2, is over. I took my last pill yesterday, thank goodness. Luckily, I really do not have side effects from it, though over the course of a cycle I have some pretty negative days. Some say that Clomid can kind of put you down in the dumps, and I’ll blame it on that, even if it’s not the case.

Though I talk about fertility at length here on this blog, I actually don’t talk about the details of it in real life too much. Most of you probably do the same, though it’s surprising for me, because I’m kind of an open book. I don’t just offer the details of my personal life to anyone, but if it comes up, or they ask, I spill it all out. So, it’s odd that though I feel like I talk about fertility all the time, I don’t. In truth, I think about fertility all the time, and I’ve just mixed them up in my head. I’m talking to myself.

This might be part of the reason why I’m feeling just a little bit more confident this morning, after talking yesterday about fertility to someone I do not normally talk to about it. His wife is pregnant, and prior to her being so, we used to talk about her struggles. She didn’t have a period for a long time after BCP (months), and then it was on and off. She didn’t ovulate. A very similar situation to mine. Then she got Clomid. Interestingly enough, we go to the same gyno office (different actual Dr.), and her Dr. gave her the Clomid without a trip to an RE, and mine refused to do so. Oh well. She got pregnant on her very first round of Clomid 50mg, which is a miracle. I knew she was pregnant up until now, but I did not know that she took Clomid. It always is nice to hear that Clomid has worked for another person. That brings the list of people I know personally who got pregnant on Clomid to 3: My mother, my aunt, and now her.

In addition, the person I was talking to knew that we were TTC. Though he didn’t say anything that mind-blowing, and were things many other people have said, for whatever reason, it made me feel a little better. He simply said, “Don’t worry. It’s going to happen. It’s going to work. Try not to stress out about it (ugh, impossible). It will definitely happen.” I don’t know why that was so nice to hear, when I tell it to myself all the time, but it was! I think I just needed to hear that from someone else. And this was a guy, whose wife went through the same thing. So it was nice.

I went home and started thinking, “Yeah, this will work. Maybe not this round, but Clomid worked last time. It did what it was intended to do. It’s going to happen, it’s just a matter of when.” When I think about it that way, when I tell myself it’s going to happen in the next few cycles, it makes it easier to wait a little bit. So what if it doesn’t take on this cycle, it will on the next! I know that I might be setting myself up for disappointment by telling myself I will be getting pregnant in the next few cycles, but right now, it gets me through. Maybe I can wait patiently for this.

What makes me crazy in the head is when I start to doubt it (which is most of the time). I start quickly thinking things like, “No way, I might not even ovulate this cycle! Who knows when it could be. I can’t see it happening. It feels so far away.” Those are the thoughts typically in my brain, but to swap them out with “Yes, it’s going to work…soon” changes the perspective altogether.

I used to think that when people said, “Think positively” they meant to think things like, “Oooh, I really hope it works!” That wasn’t doing it for me. And it’s  not really positive. “It’s going to happen in the next few cycles” – that does work for me. Is that positive, or just completely crazy? It’s going to happen.

Now, I am a little nervous about the timing. Not nervous, but anxious. We can’t blow it! In my mind, there’s only a few cycles I will be getting Clomid. If we mess up the timing, then we didn’t do our part. Clomid won’t get me pregnant, but it won’t be the Clomid’s fault. I’ll have to move to IUI’s, when it was our timing that was the problem. That thought does make me a little nuts. However, I do not want to pressure the hubby. I think we both felt a lot of pressure last round, as it was our first, and that did NOT help. He told me that he doesn’t even want to know this cycle when it’s time, which I understand. I’m sure he’ll be able to tell though. I’ll do my best to make it fun and normal, even though in my head, I feel like a drill sergeant. I  know that it’s very important to keep the pressure and stress away. I will be trying my best to do that.

That said, I did not get any specific instructions from my RE nurse! When she left me a message last week, she said simply, “The Clomid’s been called in for you, you can pick it up today.” Okay…thanks for the message. She didn’t even tell me which days to take it! I obviously took it 5-9 as I did last time, when another nurse gave me the instructions. Last cycle, that other nurse told me not to worry too much about TTC, as they wanted to see if I would just ovulate. This cycle, I expected exact instructions on when to use the OPK’s, and how often to try. Nothing. I think I’m going to call on Monday, but because I’m curious, I’ll ask you: What have your Dr.’s said? I have heard so often every other day in the weeks leading up to it, but the person I talked to last night said they were told every single day from CD 11-21. And that was from a Dr. in the same office as my Dr. What do you think, every other or every day?

Well this post was far longer than I intended it to be. If you made it this far, thanks!

I want to mention (off the topic now) and state for the record that I, Megan, have a sugar problem. It is official. What was once a sugar addiction like you wouldn’t believe, is now a sugar “allergy”. Not really, it’s my autoimmune issues, but it acts like one. It gives me my arch nemesis – angioedema, or hives in my face and mouth that form under the skin, causing swelling that lasts for a LONG time. I have now gone mostly sugar-free for two weeks now. I can have a little in the mornings, I’ve found out, but not night. There is sugar in my cereal, my coffee creamer, and my yogurt at lunch. That’s all fine. But nothing after lunch. I’ve gone lip-hive free for those two weeks….up until yesterday. The night before, Thursday night, I had…wait for it….a marshmallow. Now, these are no ordinary marshmallows. Back when I was eating sugar, only a few months ago, my husband bought me gourmet, homemade marshmallows as a Christmas present. I got them last year too, and they are unbelievable. They come in different flavors, they’re huge, and the consistency…swoon. So you can see how I feel about them. Anyway, my father and sister were over eating dinner, and my father always brings dessert. He brought two things of ice cream, frozen berries, and angel food cake. He remembered that I told him I’ve gone sugar-free, so the angel food cake was sugar-free. He forgot that I am also gluten-free, haha. So anyway, I had one marshmellow. Chocolate chip. I should’ve taken a picture of it. I actually went to bed without any hives. Yesterday, at school mind you, right before lunch. About 11:00. My students were at a special. I felt it form above my top lip in my cheek. I could NOT believe it. It never happens in the daytime. I popped meds, but it was too late. The rest of the afternoon was awful. I know my kids were looking at me wondering what the hell had happened. When I closed my mouth, it looked like I had a stroke. The left side was hanging down. Anyway, it has been a LOT worse before. A lot. I still have that picture in my phone of how bad it can get, and I still am not ready to share that face with the world. My coworkers said they couldn’t “really” see it. But I could, and I could feel it. After a few hours it spreads more evenly throughout the face. This morning, 8:00, 3 hours away from 24 hours ago when it happened, and my cheeks and lips are still swollen. No more marshmallows. No more treats. No more sugar, with those few exceptions. It’s…just not worth it. I’m officially gluten- and sugar-free. Bleh.

Okay, that’s really the end. Have a good weekend!

The Torturous TWW

So I did officially ovulate, which is wonderful. I had my CD 21 blood drawn, except it was on CD 24…close enough. The head nurse to my RE called and said, “Well, you definitely ovulated.” I don’t know how definitely factors into it – I figured it was a “yes, you did” or “no, you didn’t” kind of thing, but my numbers must have been high. I looked at what they were testing me for – estradiol, progesterone, and LH.

All in all, it was a decently stressful, or at least high-anxiety weekend. I ovulated for the first time, possibly ever, and I knew how short the window of opportunity was. I can see how getting lost in the details of that can overshadow the whole reason you’re doing it in the first place. I just kept thinking, we need to do this, we need to do this. It was basically all that was on my brain. Like I said in my last post, in the end, the timing wasn’t perfect – it wasn’t completely ideal. However, it wasn’t horrible, and I’m still not exactly sure when I actually ovulated. If this does go on to next cycle, my mission will be to put the fun back in baby-making. I’ll chalk all this up to it being round 1, but that’s all I’m allowed.

A couple of people asked me about my specific chart, so I decided to post it here and get all of your two cents on it:

As you can see, Fertility Friend didn’t even specify ovulation date yet, or show me a coverline. However, if I remember my facts correctly, you ovulate usually on the last low day before the temp spike, right? So in that case, I would’ve ovulated on CD 24, which was Sunday. I’m guessing Saturday was the key day, and we missed that one, but I’m not going to panic over it.

I’m not all that impressed with the temperatures on my chart. I assumed my spike would’ve been a bit higher. However, I know that I absolutely did ovulate, so I’m going to go with that.

Never did I think, years or even months ago, that I’d be putting the personal details of my life (through my chart, or even my blog for that matter) on the internet for all the world to see. When you want to have a child so badly, that modest thinking seems to go out the window. Or at least it does for me.

So as I’m officially in the TWW, yesterday I did what I assume most crazed TWW-ers do – I googled everything under the sun. And I mean everything. I read every article and every post on every topic related to finding out about being pregnant. I found this website, designed to keep my mind busy with other people’s successes in the TWW, and this one, all about pregnancy tests and OPKs. I looked at other people’s charts on FF. Sometimes I felt better, sometimes I felt worse.

What I discovered was this: I can’t do that. It’s bad for my mental health. It’s just not a good idea! Luckily, I went back to work today, and my mind was kept busy on that. I imagine I’ll be pretty good up until this coming weekend, when I find myself having more free time. I basically can’t stop myself from researching and scouring the internet unless my brain is somewhere else. So, I’ve just started looking at pinterest – though I have no idea how it works. I have a book that needs finishing. I could always do some planning for work. I think I need a new hobby. Of course, blogging is my favorite new hobby, but when I blog, that means I’m thinking about it. So that doesn’t help.

I’m only two days past ovulation (DPO). I’ve got to get all the way to 14 DPO. On that day, I’m allowed to call my head nurse, and she’ll do the blood pregnancy test (and I’ll do my own). I’m not sure I can hold off on POAS until 14 DPO…..but I’ll try.

Now I know why it’s a smiley face :)

Well, if there’s one thing I have learned so far while struggling with fertility it’s this: the highs are so high, and the lows are very low. Up and down, up and down. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I felt pretty low when my OB-GYN wouldn’t help me anymore, and sent me to an RE. I felt giddy when I found out I could see this new RE in less than a week after that gyno appointment. I felt equally happy when my RE did an ultrasound and said, flat out: “Well, it looks like you’re not ovulating. That’s the problem.” I was so happy to have an answer to my long cycles, irregular periods, and lack of ovulation.

Then I had to wait. Waiting for extended periods of time always drag me down. I had to go through an entire cycle before I could start Clomid, because my RE meeting that day was already at least CD 5 or so. Then I needed Provera, of course. Then I got my Clomid.

Predicted ovulation time for Clomid came and went. I read online that many people found they had a late ovulation when on Clomid, and I tried to keep that in mind as I felt myself get lower and lower. I got into that funk.

Well. Last Thursday I went for my CD 21 ultrasound, which is typical for when you’re on Clomid. I panicked at the lab, because the less-than-professional young nurse was giving me crap about coming in too close to the closing time. Luckily, she still took my blood. Of course, obviously I didn’t ovulate. That’s what they were checking. I temp every day, check my CM, use OPK’s, and faithfully chart it on Fertility Friend. I didn’t ovulate. So imagine my surprise, on Friday night, when I got home at 5:00 and found this message on my answering machine:

“Well, it looks as if you’re about to ovulate, which is good….hmm…if I were you I’d go have a really fun weekend (as she snickers). We want to see you Monday for blood work again, to see if you did ovulate.”

What?? I was actually about to POAS anyway, so I went ahead and did it, and got this beautiful image:

That made my day. In all these months, I’ve seen that smiley face one time, just once. I think it was a fluke. I almost believe it never even happened. Now, it did. I’ve spent the weekend analyzing my new friend, Ovulation. Who knew? I had some major cramping all Friday and Saturday, which was a new feeling. It felt like period cramps, but of course I knew it wasn’t. My left side (near my ovary) was more sore than the right, so I assume I ovulated through that one. I have no idea, this is all new to me.

I’ve been back on a high. That said, our BD timing wasn’t…perfect. Not exactly how I wanted it to be, and I was a little concerned. But it was still there, and I’m just going to hope it was enough. I had a smiley face two days in a row, and then today, back to nothing. I assume it happened, but my temperature hasn’t risen yet.  A quick google search told me that some people take a day or two after ovulation for their temps to rise. Mine better rise. Granted, tomorrow I’m going for another blood test, so I’ll find out there if it happened or not. But it sure felt like it happened.

So I’m basically about to start the two week wait (TWW). Yuck. I have spent enough of my brain cells on all of this recently, so it would be really nice if I could just not think about it. I’m already talking myself out of it working (since the timing was not as ideal as it could have been) and planning on fixing that in the next cycle. I can’t get my hopes up.

Yet, I’ve done something bad already – I’ve allowed myself to daydream about that wondrous day when I find out that I am, in fact pregnant. Will I cry? Scream? Laugh? Stare at it blankly? How will I tell people? Will I tell people?

Why am I thinking about this??

Not yet. One day at a time.

I’m in a funk.

I’m in a funk. I’ve been in one, for about a week now. Here’s how I figured this out.

1) This is my first post in over a week, which for me, is pretty unheard of. I’m always dying to get back to my computer to post something new, because I enjoy it that much. But I’ve  had nothing to say. What’s my latest? Well, let’s see. Every morning I take my temperature, and it’s still low. Every afternoon I hold out on going to the bathroom for 4 hours until I get home and pee on a stick, only to see a circle, not a smiley face. Every time I go to the bathroom I do some examining (we’ll leave it at that) and try to analyze the signs – could I possibly be ovulating?? It’s looking like a resounding no. It’s clearly not happening this cycle, and now I have to wait for the next one. So honestly, what else is there to say?

2) I haven’t called, or texted, like, anyone. Not that I’ve ever been the best at reaching out to people, but I haven’t even contacted my mother or my sister; two people I usually talk to on an almost daily basis. A good week went by (the funk week, up until a few days ago) where, other than the people I work with and my husband, I didn’t talk to any of my friends or family. That is so unusual for me. I take that back – I did talk to a friend or two. But I found myself doing nothing but complaining. Who wants to hear that again and again?

3) I’ve lost my hobbies. Whatever they were. I can’t even remember anymore, other than blogging. What did I like to do in my spare time before I committed my brain to thinking about getting pregnant 24/7? Honestly, let me know if you can remember. Nothing sounds appealing lately.

4) Holy crap, my sensitive meter is doing that thing in the cartoons when it’s all the way to the right, glowing red, and steam is coming off it. I’m over-sensitive. Now, I’m a sensitive person by nature anyway, and I’ve never been good at letting things roll off my back, but wow. Hopefully, this is the Clomid talking, and for the first time in many years, my hormones are popping up to say hello. If not, yikes. Gotta work on that one.

5) I feel like I’m starting to forget the prize. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, for a child. To start a family with my husband. That thought has been pretty consuming for the last few years, and I’ve waited so long to act on it. Now, I’m just begging for ovulation, and then I’ll be begging for pregnancy. I need to back up and look at the goal, here.

6) You know how I know I’ve really been in a funk? Knowing that I’ve been in a funk. I fully recognize that I’ve not been as happy, or chipper or what have you, and that I’m on Round 1 of Clomid, for Pete’s sake. So many people have gone through so much more, and kept their heads up higher. And I totally see that. But even knowing that, I’m still in a funk.

I still have a tremendous amount of hope for getting pregnant. I’m just at the beginning of all this. But my GOD, the waiting is unbearable! Seriously, the patience – that’s what’s taking its toll on me. I don’t have any. I know exactly what my body needs to do, but I’m allowed to actually mess around with it about 5 minutes a day, to take my temp, examine my stuff, and POAS (pee on a stick – sounds so much nicer this way). The rest of the day – I can’t turn my brain off! And when I do, my thoughts don’t know where to go! I’m at a loss.

So. This sounds pretty depressing, and it frankly feels depressing writing it. But I’ve wanted to post for some time now, and just did not know what to say. I’m also aware that the more I let this thing control my life, the more self-centered I’ve become. I’ve been telling myself to remember my friends’ lives, and inquire about my family. This isn’t all about me, but when you’re thinking about your own fertility all day and night, it quickly becomes that way.

A good friend hearing me whine and wallow in self-pity reminded me that I can’t let this take over my whole life. When I finally get pregnant, I’m going to want to have a life then, too. I can’t go on like this in some form or another for 9 months of pregnancy, plus however long it takes to get there. I just can’t.

Right now, it is my whole life, and it’s all negative. The waiting is crazy, I’ve been a robotic blob. This is enough. I’m good; I’d like my brain to go somewhere else, please. I’m ready to focus on something else and let Clomid be an afterthought. I am still exercising daily, and I’ve also stopped eating sugar (in dessert form) after meals, to see if it lessens the mouth hives. So far, it has. Let’s see if it continues.

I do love the idea of a daily positive thought (or two). It’s a start. Today’s: I’m happy that I managed to drag myself to pilates tonight, and that I’m currently drinking hot tea. 🙂 I’m happy for my new coworkers, whom I feel like I’ve known a long time. I’m more than happy with my wonderful, make-me-laugh-when-I’m-down husband, and my dogs. I’m happy for my new show that I love, Jericho. I’m happy that I finally did post on my blog, and maybe this is the start of the de-funking process. See that? Not bad.

However, this won’t be enough to hold my brain’s attention the rest of the day.

Any ideas out there? What do you do to take your mind off of pregnancy-related thoughts?

 

Appreciate what you have.

I’ve found a new reason to love blogging – the support! Tuesday was just not my best, and I let it all out. I really appreciate the support and comments.

I knew I would feel better the next day, and I did. I still can’t shake the negative feelings about this cycle and the Clomid I just took, however. I’m on CD 15 and I have no signs of ovulation. Either way, I’m hoping it will still happen and have been proceeding as was planned! I’m sure my husband doesn’t mind.

I can’t get out of my head the horrible news story from my state of CT. A woman lost all three of her children and both her parents in a horrible fire on Christmas morning. Ashes from the fireplace were removed and put in a container so that Santa could come down the chimney. I really can’t think of anything more devastating. It puts things in perspective..life is short, and I really have it good. Appreciate what you have, and attempt not to focus too much on what you don’t have. I’ve been telling myself this today, and I guess it’s my optimistic thought of the day.

Sometimes I think my brain needs a rest from baby thoughts. I’m not sure it’s possible but I will give it a try.

“Hi, I’m Fertility-Challenged. And you are….?”

Today is one of those days. Bear with me as I proceed to whine, rant, and sort through my pessimistic feelings. Tomorrow will be a new day with hopefully a better outlook.

Frankly, since my last post, I haven’t been feeling all that positive – about anything, not to mention getting pregnant. I woke up yesterday morning with a severe pain on the top of my foot – I figured out that I sprained or pinched a nerve in my tendon. Or something like that. It was supposed to be Day 1 of going “back” to my healthy lifestyle (as if I was ever there before). Instead, I spent the day elevating and icing my foot. Also, yesterday morning we awoke to the news that my husband and his family’s church burned to the ground. It wasn’t devastating to him, but still, random and upsetting. It was a weird day.

Today isn’t much better. I feel my negative thoughts about to spew out; apologies in advance. I’m just in one of those moods where EVERYTHING is wrong.

My biggest complaint right now is that my body is in control of me, and not the other way around. I’m supposed to be making better food choices, and eating less, which is my goal for the month. That isn’t really happening, because I’m fixated on my messed up health:

– I have hives in my face (usually lips) every day now. Well, make that night. These hives (angioedema), unlike regular hives, form under the skin, causing swelling, as opposed to on top of the skin. I can feel when they start. They have been hanging around every single night! It is so irritating! Last night I was brushing my teeth and I felt one starting on the inside of my lip, in the corner where my top and bottom lips meet. There was a second one high up in my gums, feeling like more in the cheek. When those swell, they move up into my nasal passage and I get stuffy. I woke up this morning with swollen cheeks, lips, and eyes. Like I said, I’ve been used to this once in a while, but not every single night. It takes HOURS to go away. I’m lucky if my students can’t still see it the next day. The other thing bothering me about these hives is my anxiety. I’ve been a little paranoid the last few months that I’m going to get them in my throat and have trouble breathing. I’ve only had them in the throat a few times now, and it makes my voice all scratchy and feels like there’s a lump in there (heyy, Christmas Eve). Last night, being probably over-tired, I basically sent myself into a paranoid state trying to fall asleep, creating hives in my throat that weren’t there. AKA – I was starting to have a panic attack. Those are not things I want my mind to get used to. Not okay! I yoga-breathed my way out of it, counting backwards from 100, twice, finally falling asleep. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS??

– Slightly less scary, but annoying nonetheless, I have bad circulation in my fingers and toes. This isn’t new news to me, but lately it has been extra bad. (Is this a side effect of Clomid?) After barely being cold (or cold for just a minute), these extremities turn white and feel numb/tingly, and take forever to go away. Today, at recess with my students, I had gloves on and my hands were shoved in my pockets. When we came back in, my middle finger was all white and tingly. This afternoon, after pilates class, where I went barefoot, I came home with both feet completely white and tingly from the balls up, even though I had socks and boots on in the car. It took a good hour to restore the blood. These were just today’s episodes – but it’s been going on a while.

Why is my body screaming at me?

And then, just because it’s the mood I’m in – I’m having major Clomid doubts. First of all, everyone is pregnant all of a sudden. Including my pilates instructor. It’s everywhere! Here I am, CD 12, with a self-prescribed plan of action (based on internet research) of “trying for a baby” (so many funny/gross ways to put this, but I’ll be polite) every other day until my blood test, which is on CD 20. Even after that, I may continue with the plan (I’ve heard many people say that on Clomid, they ovulated really late). It starts today. Hope the husband is geared up! It’s almost comical – and it would be, if I had any actual feelings that this may work!

My body isn’t giving me any signs of ovulation, not that I would know what they feel like, since I’ve most likely never ovulated.

I’m going to say it; feel free to scroll down and skip this. Here’s my ultra-whine: Clomid isn’t going to work, I’m going have 5,000 auto-immune problems and be a sickly middle-aged woman, and I’m never having children! I don’t smoke, do any drugs, and rarely drink. But my body hates me, and lets me know on a regular basis.

Okay, thanks. 🙂 I knew it was just a rant. I don’t have them often, and it needed to come out. Don’t take it all to heart – I completely understand that I’ve only just begun all this, and that so many people have it so much worse. I don’t negate that at all, and I feel for all of them. I’m just bitter that I’m fertility-challenged, and even more bitter that my body has the nerve to say, “Hey, let’s make fertility a struggle. While we’re at it, let’s give you an astronomically high amount of auto-immune antibodies and throw some random auto-immune diseases at you!” I’m only 27 years old, relatively healthy. Sure, I’m a good 10 pounds overweight, but still in the cusp of the healthy BMI, and I’m holding on to that!

I do see my thyroid doctor in about three weeks. I’ll mention all of this. I’m better now, thanks. Blogging today was some seriously needed self-therapy.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Operation Ovulation

It finally happened. Clomid is in my stomach, officially. Its estrogen-blocking components are spreading throughout my body, including my brain, as we speak. It is in full Operation Ovulation mode.

There was much stress over FINALLY getting these pills in my hand, even up until the final hour. See, the prescription was called in to CVS by my nurse four days ago, on Friday. I waited until after the craziness of Christmas to pick them up. I was told, yesterday, upon getting to CVS, that the doctor had to authorize the prescription. Fast forward to today, 4:00. After 5 CVS calls TODAY, 3 calls to the Dr. TODAY, and 1 call from my nurse directly to CVS, I was finally able to get the pills. There was some major miscommunication. After my insurance required an additional authorization from my Dr., CVS said they never received this authorization, but the nurse said it was sent. So, on that went, all day today. I was told to take my first pill in the late afternoon, “after work”, so around 4 or 5:00. Thankfully, at the last moment, it went through.

As soon I swallowed it I warned those around me that if I all of a sudden became unbearably cranky, blame the meds, as a supposed side effect.

Three hours later, and all I feel is really tired, but it’s probably more of a sign of hiking followed by overeating, rather than the meds.

Bring on the next four pills.

All in all…

Hey, you know what: It’s been a good day.

While I compose this post that focuses on the positive, I’ll ignore the fact that my angioedema (hives in the lips, yum) is out of control right now, looking like Angelina Jolie on steroids and literally hurting and itching at the same time. It’s spread into my cheeks and up into my nasal…cavities. Every time I touch it, it gets more itchy, and therefore grows more. It takes hours to go away. And by hours, I mean it hopefully will be mostly gone by the time I go to kickboxing class tomorrow, and then on to holiday festivities. It’s a lovely reminder that my autoimmune antibodies are still screaming at me; something in my system isn’t right.

Oh wait -wasn’t this supposed to be positive? Oops. Well, here we go:

1) I’m on vacation – that’s about as positive as you can get. I made it through the week with 23 hyper 11-year olds on a constant sugar high. I still have my sanity intact.

2) It’s just about Christmas. I’ve got the Straight No Chaser holiday Pandora station going nonstop. And as much as I wish I had a pregnancy announcement to give this weekend, I always love Christmas and stuffing my face. Oh, and spending time with family.

3) I received a blog award (see my last post.) Pretty cool!

4) I got my PERIOD this morning! Yes, that’s good news. Great, actually.  I’ve been waiting about 4 months for this day. I called up my RE this afternoon, and I’m starting Clomid on Tuesday!!! We talked for over 20 minutes, going over the new plan. I’ll be taking 5 pills (50mg each) cycle days 5-9. Though my doctor is more concerned this cycle seeing if the Clomid makes me ovulate, more than trying to get pregnant, I will still be using OPK’s starting around CD 12. Towards CD 20, I’ll be getting my blood drawn to see if I did ovulate. If I did, they’ll keep me on the same dose. If not, they’ll bump me up. I can’t forget the long stretch of a miracle – getting pregnant on this first round. I HIGHLY doubt it, but we’re sure going to try.

I’ll be reporting on my supposed side effects, but for now, I’ll enjoy the rest of this night and dream away my lip hives. Goodnight!