6dp5dt and this just got real.

Not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously all along. But this is different, and I’m wary.

Here’s the thing: I have never had a problem sharing this infertility journey I’ve been on. I have actually enjoyed talking about what I have gone through and the support “in real life” has been great (and of course here as well). After all, between the crazy bloating and showing up late to work many days in a row, I appreciate the fact that I’ve been able to explain why, and tell the truth.

But now, I am getting veryyy close to finding out if my first IVF cycle will be a bust or the best thing ever. The stakes seem higher than my other TWW’s, and like I said, I’m taking this seriously. So far, my real life friends want to know everything, as they have all along. And all of a sudden, I’m looking ahead to this weekend (my beta is Saturday) and I – I’m not sure I want to share my results.

It’s not that I want to keep my pregnancy a secret from my friends, if I was lucky enough to receive good news. That’s not it at all. I’ve always said I would share my pregnancy with anyone I’d be glad for their support if something bad happened. So it’s not like I’m saying I want to keep it to myself. But…I would like to tell everyone the good or bad news on my own time. No matter the results, I’m not sure when I want to share. I might want the support immediately, after the weekend, a week later, or a month. And I’m afraid everyone will be asking me the results, and lying isn’t something I’m capable of doing, so I would have to tell them sooner than I want to.

The truth is – I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If it’s negative, I’ll be upset enough as is, and so many people have been rooting for me. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. And if it’s good news, I wish I could keep it inside for a few weeks, just until it’s absolutely positive. Just until I can say those words without having a panic attack. I’m jumping the gun, of course.

So, in a nutshell, if you’ve been following all of this and we tend to talk about it in real life often, don’t take it personally when I kindly ask you now not to ask me my results. I promise I will tell you, and soon, but I just don’t want to feel like I need to share right away. This is different than how I normally am and I know that, and for all I know I’ll march into work Monday morning with something to say. But I’m not sure. I’m protecting myself, I think. From my own feelings, which I would have to face if I shared it with others. So let’s all pretend this isn’t happening, okay? And when I have something I want to tell you and get your support about, I promise I’ll open up.

And of course, thank you to all of my kind friends who do take the time to ask me and show their support. I guess this is really a good post to have to write.

So that’s that. I guess I’m a little nervous. It’s my understanding that the PIO shots (which are really no big deal) cause pregnancy symptoms, so I’ve been ignoring my sore boobs (like to the touch, but I’ve had that before) and daily minor cramping… which I haven’t had in the past, and the fact that I keep smelling things no one else is smelling (never had that before but wouldn’t it be too early?). Yes, two embryos were put in, but they were a little behind in development, not hatching or anything. Some days I wake up and think, “there’s no way on earth this worked” and I think about my next cycle, and other days I believe it’s true, all day long. No rhyme or reason. I’m holding out on POASing, though I make no promises as to how long that will last. Do Lupron triggers stay in your system a while like Ovidrel does?

Oh, and out of the remaining 12 embryos we had…1 was frozen. 1, when if we have to go another round, we would want to put in two. Very disappointing. But one step at a time, I guess.

I’m in a funk.

I’m in a funk. I’ve been in one, for about a week now. Here’s how I figured this out.

1) This is my first post in over a week, which for me, is pretty unheard of. I’m always dying to get back to my computer to post something new, because I enjoy it that much. But I’ve  had nothing to say. What’s my latest? Well, let’s see. Every morning I take my temperature, and it’s still low. Every afternoon I hold out on going to the bathroom for 4 hours until I get home and pee on a stick, only to see a circle, not a smiley face. Every time I go to the bathroom I do some examining (we’ll leave it at that) and try to analyze the signs – could I possibly be ovulating?? It’s looking like a resounding no. It’s clearly not happening this cycle, and now I have to wait for the next one. So honestly, what else is there to say?

2) I haven’t called, or texted, like, anyone. Not that I’ve ever been the best at reaching out to people, but I haven’t even contacted my mother or my sister; two people I usually talk to on an almost daily basis. A good week went by (the funk week, up until a few days ago) where, other than the people I work with and my husband, I didn’t talk to any of my friends or family. That is so unusual for me. I take that back – I did talk to a friend or two. But I found myself doing nothing but complaining. Who wants to hear that again and again?

3) I’ve lost my hobbies. Whatever they were. I can’t even remember anymore, other than blogging. What did I like to do in my spare time before I committed my brain to thinking about getting pregnant 24/7? Honestly, let me know if you can remember. Nothing sounds appealing lately.

4) Holy crap, my sensitive meter is doing that thing in the cartoons when it’s all the way to the right, glowing red, and steam is coming off it. I’m over-sensitive. Now, I’m a sensitive person by nature anyway, and I’ve never been good at letting things roll off my back, but wow. Hopefully, this is the Clomid talking, and for the first time in many years, my hormones are popping up to say hello. If not, yikes. Gotta work on that one.

5) I feel like I’m starting to forget the prize. Why am I doing this again? Oh yeah, for a child. To start a family with my husband. That thought has been pretty consuming for the last few years, and I’ve waited so long to act on it. Now, I’m just begging for ovulation, and then I’ll be begging for pregnancy. I need to back up and look at the goal, here.

6) You know how I know I’ve really been in a funk? Knowing that I’ve been in a funk. I fully recognize that I’ve not been as happy, or chipper or what have you, and that I’m on Round 1 of Clomid, for Pete’s sake. So many people have gone through so much more, and kept their heads up higher. And I totally see that. But even knowing that, I’m still in a funk.

I still have a tremendous amount of hope for getting pregnant. I’m just at the beginning of all this. But my GOD, the waiting is unbearable! Seriously, the patience – that’s what’s taking its toll on me. I don’t have any. I know exactly what my body needs to do, but I’m allowed to actually mess around with it about 5 minutes a day, to take my temp, examine my stuff, and POAS (pee on a stick – sounds so much nicer this way). The rest of the day – I can’t turn my brain off! And when I do, my thoughts don’t know where to go! I’m at a loss.

So. This sounds pretty depressing, and it frankly feels depressing writing it. But I’ve wanted to post for some time now, and just did not know what to say. I’m also aware that the more I let this thing control my life, the more self-centered I’ve become. I’ve been telling myself to remember my friends’ lives, and inquire about my family. This isn’t all about me, but when you’re thinking about your own fertility all day and night, it quickly becomes that way.

A good friend hearing me whine and wallow in self-pity reminded me that I can’t let this take over my whole life. When I finally get pregnant, I’m going to want to have a life then, too. I can’t go on like this in some form or another for 9 months of pregnancy, plus however long it takes to get there. I just can’t.

Right now, it is my whole life, and it’s all negative. The waiting is crazy, I’ve been a robotic blob. This is enough. I’m good; I’d like my brain to go somewhere else, please. I’m ready to focus on something else and let Clomid be an afterthought. I am still exercising daily, and I’ve also stopped eating sugar (in dessert form) after meals, to see if it lessens the mouth hives. So far, it has. Let’s see if it continues.

I do love the idea of a daily positive thought (or two). It’s a start. Today’s: I’m happy that I managed to drag myself to pilates tonight, and that I’m currently drinking hot tea. 🙂 I’m happy for my new coworkers, whom I feel like I’ve known a long time. I’m more than happy with my wonderful, make-me-laugh-when-I’m-down husband, and my dogs. I’m happy for my new show that I love, Jericho. I’m happy that I finally did post on my blog, and maybe this is the start of the de-funking process. See that? Not bad.

However, this won’t be enough to hold my brain’s attention the rest of the day.

Any ideas out there? What do you do to take your mind off of pregnancy-related thoughts?