I’m a quitter and a liar. Oh, and a complainer.

Warning: Lots of bitter complaining and venting ahead.

Hmm, let’s see. Should I bitch first about my fertility woes or my inner food fight? I’ll start with the fertility stuff, as that is what this blog was made for in the first place.

I’m pissed off, I guess you could say. I’m mad at my nurse/doctor. Never did a single person in that office care to inform me that when you are on Crinone (the progesterone cream) during your TWW, you will not get your period until you stop it. There will be no spotting, either. Progesterone keeps your AF signals at bay. Not only that, but it actually tricks you into thinking you are pregnant by providing you with (what I believe to be) pregnancy signs. Minor, occasional cramping, chest growth we’ll just say, and painful as well, and, oh yeah, sky-rocketing temperatures. Had I known all of this, I wouldn’t have made the errors I did.

I started temping at 10DPIUI, and over the next few days, my temp soared to 99.6 degrees. I kid you not, and I’m not sick. Felt fine, just hot. I thought I may have had a superbaby in there or something. Wow – and the spotting isn’t here yet either?! And the days continued with temps still high enough, no spotting, and I thought – hold on a second. Let’s do a quick Google search. Sure enough, Crinone and Prometrium (the other commonly prescribed progesterone treatment) cause high temps, pregnancy symptoms, and you will not get your period until it’s over. Gosh, it sure would have been nice to have known that. I did it again – I got my stupid hopes way too high up.

I just had no idea. Now I know. Now, next cycle, I will not temp, not once, because they aren’t actually reflecting the true temps I would have. I will not overly analyze soreness and other preggo symptoms. I will not smile with delight at the lack of spotting; the lack of AF signs. I will just know that I will be completely in the dark as to whether I am actually pregnant or not until it shows up on a test. I did test twice, by the way. So mad I wasted two of those tests.

This all sounds like I must have my period, right? Nope. Now, my nurse had me in for bloodwork next week, what would have been 17DPIUI – that seemed excessive to me, but I wasn’t too concerned two weeks ago. Now I’m thinking – you expect me to wait that long? Absolutely not. If I am not pregnant, I am not waiting until Day 17 to stop the stupid cream and hear that I’m not pregnant. It worked out for me today because I was hoping to go on vacation next week for a few days, so I called this morning and asked if I could do it today. They said fine. (Next cycle, remind me to lie around 13DPIUI and say I’m going on another vacation…) So I trekked in today, had the blood done, knew I wasn’t pregnant, now that Dr. Google has taught me a thing or two, and stuck it to the man by not taking the Crinone this morning before I even went in. The nurse, when she called hours later, assumed I had. No, I figured it all out. That cream is done.

The nurse, though, was not my nurse. A weekend nurse. “Oh, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this,” she starts, “But I’m afraid you’re not pregnant.” You know what? I already know that. I got that blood test done because I’m supposed to. And I don’t really even want to hear the words. That said, I appreciate her kindness. I do. That’s when I asked about the Crinone and she said, “Oh yeah, you won’t get your period while you’re on that.” Wow, thank you so much! Just in time!

I’ve never been in this position before, so this is a first: My cycle is over, but I don’t actually have my period yet. CD1 is not here. It’s like..CD 95 or something redonkulous like that. I should’ve gone for an even 100. So I’m waiting. Fine, whatever, I’m ready for the period (“Your lining was extra thick,” the nurse says, “So you might have an unusually heavy period.” I can’t wait.) and I’m ready for the shots to the gut. Let’s do this. But my vacation hangs in the stupid balance, because I have to come in on CD2 for the baseline ultrasound. I wanted to go on vacation Monday or Tuesday. Hopefully my period comes soon, because if it doesn’t, I might not be able to go anywhere this week, and sitting around waiting for my period is not how I wanted this week to go. I’m irritated, I’m sure you can tell. Another IUI down the drain and a possibly ruined vacation. On to the next one.

And on to my next round of complaining. This Paleo diet – I’m done with that, too. I feel bad, I have to say. I feel like a quitter and a liar. I’ve always known I was a quitter (I stop any job when it gets too hard, especially physical labor, I did quit the track team once, I quit piano lessons when I only had one more recital before I graduated high school…I quit things. Wanna fight about it?) but one thing I am not is a liar. I literally cannot lie without my face turning bright red and the guilt just oozes out of me. I have to own up to it right away. But this time, I feel like I lied to you, because I went on and on and on about how awesome Paleo is and how I can do anything for 30 days. But I can’t, because I’m a quitter.

Not that the Paleo diet can’t be awesome. It can be. Just not for me. I am fully aware that the first week or two of the Paleo diet (especially when you’re super strict about it) causes the Paleo flu. I had it for Days 2 and 3, for sure. But even after the initial major stomach aches and fever subsided, I still felt like crap all week long. It was different symptoms (headache, dizziness, extremely fatigued, sluggishness, and insomnia) but some of those could’ve been from the stupid Crinone as well, so it’s hard to know. What I do know is that the large amount of food I prepared last Sunday ended up in the garbage. Mostly the vegetables, because I didn’t pay attention to the fact that even a bite of a raw pepper would send me heading to the bathroom, so I really couldn’t eat vegetables all week long. That’s just money down the drain, in my eyes. Not to mention without the vegetables, my diet was consisting of endless amounts of meat and shrimp, bananas, and sweet potatoes. And to be honest, I’m not sure I can eat another sweet potato for a long time. The thought of the eggplant that was sitting in the fridge is currently making my stomach turn. Zucchini? Don’t even go there. And (shudder) I need a break from ground meat. It was in my breakfast, it was in my lunch, it was in every meal. No veggies, it was a meat diet for a week. And I felt like such crap.  But even all this, which is just a bunch of “suck it up and get over it”, isn’t what caused me to cancel the challenge.

It was my favorite Paleo blogger, ironically enough, who posted a link to this article. That article, if you don’t want to read, can be summed up in the following: If you have thyroid problems or PCOS (hello, yes, that’s me) you need to have carbs in your diet or you’re going to make your health problems worse. We’re not like normal women (thanks so much), and it’s actually detrimental to our health not to have 100-200 grams of carbs (I keep typing “crabs”, ha) daily. Not veggies as carbs. That’s not what she means. Now, it doesn’t mean I have to go and consume a pizza, though I wouldn’t complain. It means I need to add back into my diet the lovely rice and potatoes. Ahhh. So much better. Just those two things have saved my sorry ass from this damn challenge. And that was all the convincing I needed to bring back those staples into my diet. I know there’s more to the story, including a whole bunch of sciency gobbly-gook that totally does make sense, but it made me feel so much better.

And since the challenge rules have been broken, I no longer feel bad at all about bringing back these into my diet: Sugar-free gum (gasp!) and stevia. In addition, there are just some times where you just…cave. OMG I had ranch dressing today! Say it isn’t so! Yup, and white potatoes too, at a shower I went to. Oh yeah, and a scoop of vanilla ice cream. I’m bad.

So now that I’ve totally caved and couldn’t commit to this one freaking thing, I realize – this is my happiness on the line here. You know, if I wasn’t a bitter mess, maybe I’d keep trying. But right now, that sounds like a giant no. The phrase “comfort food” exists for a reason.

But just so I don’t sound like a total unhealthy mess, I am going to keep a couple of things going, because the one compliment I can give to this first week of the Paleo diet is that my hives disappeared and my bloating completely went away. That’s the sign of my autoimmune issues smiling of delight inside. I really need to keep those hives away, while still getting sleep and not feeling like my stomach is going to twist into a pretzel. I also lost two pounds – my husband lost five. I am still 100% gluten-free, which is easy as pie. I am still 95% sugar-free, meaning day-to-day I am completely, like, dessert-free, but a few things that have a little sugar in them (like ketchup, yay!) I’m not going to have a heart attack over. That and when I’m on vacation, I’m having ice cream once. Full sugar and dairy, but a small. I’ll still pay later. It’s worth it. And I’m going to be about 95% dairy-free. Too much dairy does bother me, and totally bloats me. So I’m going to keep cheese away, mostly, and I don’t drink milk anyway. It’s only the vacation ice cream.

Grain-free? Well…I’m keeping rice. If I didn’t, I’d be…back on Paleo. There’s only so many ____-free’s I can do. Dairy, sugar, and gluten seems good enough right now.

Yes, I did totally just reason with myself. And provide myself with excuses that make me feel better for being a quitter. Especially since my husband is not a quitter – he feels great and joined a Crossfit gym to boot – so I have to watch him make smart choices. We are still having full Paleo meals, but I am adding in rice or a potato.

I do apologize for the epic amounts of whining and sarcasm here, but I must say, I always feel so much better when I’m done! And I know you guys won’t judge me (out loud, anyway) and are always a giant bunch of support systems. I also want to say that today, with the cycle over, I am trying to remind myself how good I really have it, and that so many of you have gone through, and are currently going through, so much more than I am. I do know that, and I keep it in mind. But sometimes, a good venting session is all I need.