The Real Pregnancy 101

Well, I can’t hold out any longer. I’ve been dying to post, but I’ve held back for a few reasons, the strongest being that I felt like I should. Now, though, I want to talk about it, because I have questions, I have comments, and you online friends have always been a source of support.

It appears that I’m officially pregnant.

As you can see, I’m still having trouble…with those words. In fact, the entire first 24 hours after finding out “officially” after my first beta, I couldn’t even say the words, “I’m pregnant”. Instead, I smiled and gave a thumbs-up to my husband, and told my father on the phone, “I’ve officially been impregnated.” Who says that?? But even still, it’s hard for me to accept. Even when I got my BFP on a home pregnancy test last Thursday morning and every day after that, I didn’t actually believe it, and had to keep that little secret in totally. Then, when the call came in regarding my beta, I was alone in my house, cleaning the walls of dust (just had our floors redone and we were “moving back in”), I said thank you to the nice nurse, with little to no emotion in my voice, hung up the phone, and kept cleaning the walls. No crying, no screaming, no jumping for joy. I think it was denial. Luckily, my husband and family reacted appropriately, making up for my lack of a reaction. It’s not that I wasn’t excited or happy, but you just…get to this place with infertility, and I guess my emotions were all – dulled. And that moment was no different. It was hard to accept that I was deserving of this new thing – which sounds ridiculous. I think I was in a place where I was realizing I was going to have infertility issues for who knows how much longer.

preggo test

 

Beta #1 – 166

Beta #2 – 338

So, it’s doubled, and now I have to wait until Monday for the next test, with my first ultrasound not coming until after the new year, when I’m 7.5 weeks in.

But a disclaimer, before I continue. I’d say 90% of the bloggers I follow, you all either have kids now or are pregnant. And every time one of you became pregnant, you so kindly said something in your post about how hard you know it is for those of us who weren’t pregnant and how we didn’t need to keep reading your blog if we didn’t want to. And I appreciated those comments, though every time I understood. So I’m adding the same comment – I do understand the dreaded feeling of “ugh, there’s another one”. I get it. Like I said, I think I was one of the last of my little circle of bloggers so most of you have been there before me. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt. And judging by the fact that I still am not running around, being that newly-pregnant hyper obnoxious person, I’d say I really do get it. I’m not sure what I’ll do with the blog regarding being pregnant, but as always, please don’t feel like you need to continue following my posts or anything like that. Just like everyone else, I do totally understand, because it’s not fair. And if you are my friend “in real life”, I’d be forever grateful if you’d keep it to yourself for a while and not share, until this really settles in and I feel more comfortable with it.

So everything at this point looks good. But I’m super nervous, unsure of the whole thing, and I have no idea what I’m doing. As I’ve said to a few people, I feel like – I got inducted into this secret club. Which is great, and I’m totally happy about it, but it’s just that I didn’t really think I’d get in, and I didn’t prepare myself, and now I’m the newbie trying to figure this all out and write my entry speech.

There’s this other thing on my brain too. As the days go by and I slowly allow myself to feel some happiness and excitement, I am realizing that in the last year and a half, I totally changed! Like I said, my emotions were dulled I think and I guess I’ve been walking around in a haze. And now that true happiness is starting to find its way to me again, I’m attempting to recall what I used to be like, and what I used to feel like. I didn’t realize until now how different I’ve become, and I do miss the old me. I think over the coming months I’ll start to go back to my old self, as long as everything progresses like it should.

Okay, now, one of the reasons I did want to tell my blog readers soon is because I already have questions. Nothing major, of course. But like, okay:

–         PIO shots have all of a sudden started to suck. They don’t hurt, but they are now causing those lumps under my skin, which now is turning into itchy hives. Just a giant hive on each side. Which, with my chronic autoimmune hive issue, I guess I’m not surprised, but still. Anyone else?

–         Dry freaking skin! No acne here – but everything itches. My legs, my back, my stomach (stupid glue leftovers from estrogen patches) and of course my butt where the shots were. God, I’m itchy.

–         My gums – are slightly swollen and sensitive. Went to the dentist today = not pleasant.

–         Rapid blood sugar decline. Nothing I can’t handle, but like all of a sudden, holy God, I’m hungry/going to die if I don’t eat something RIGHT NOW. And a little snack later, I’m good. Or the other night, we had a late night dinner (and by late, I mean 6:30) at my husband’s parents’, and before the meal I felt shaky, cold, crappy, horrible. I ate, face got flushed, and felt like a million bucks.

But mark my words – these are not complaints. Not even CLOSE. I’ll take absolutely anything that comes my way, as long as my little zygote is safe. But I am worried – I do have autoimmune issues of course, the hives and whatnot, and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. In the past few days I’ve contacted all of my doctors. I need to be checked, now, immediately, by my thyroid doctor, allergist, etc. just to make sure all my ducks are in a row.

But are all of those things I mentioned common? Has anyone experienced any of them?

As the time progresses, I just know I’m going to want to check all the things going on with me, with you guys. Because you know better than I do.

Until next time, I am now excited and happy. So much so that it hurts, a lot, when I think about what could happen between now and 40 weeks, which I’m trying not to do. I forgot how badly I wanted this, and now that it’s here, I am begging for it to stay.

 

Anddd CD 1.

My body played a really cruel joke on me. And I totally fell for it.

I got AF today. I think. I feel like everything’s a question now, but I’m pretty sure I did. Midway through the day, I was giving a writing lesson and got those tell-tale cramps. I went to the bathroom at lunch shortly after, and sure enough. A color and consistency change. Pretty sure that’s AF.

So the joke’s on me. I felt like total crap, and I still do, but today it’s changed into a throat thing, so I guess I was really getting sick after all. I had spotting, which I never, ever get, on 9 and 10 DPO, which would’ve been right on target for implantation. Of course, I’ve never really had a normal period before. I guess I spot first. I had high temps, even during spotting (which was a sign for concern regarding implantation..shouldn’t it dip?). That said, I STILL have high temps. Well, I did this morning. Most people, I thought, saw a drop in temp on CD 1. But I did not. After some quick googling (yeah, I caved), I found that some people’s temps don’t drop until midway, or even after AF.

So. What’s most frustrating, I think, is what happened to me mentally since the spotting began a few days ago. Up until that point, I was calm, cool, and collected, and really, I breezed through the TWW. Once that spotting began I lost my composure. As it went on yesterday, and I continued feeling sickly, and then the spotting turned to nothing and my temps stayed high, I really started believing that a miracle could’ve occurred. I started walking around feeling like I was pregnant, thinking that yes, it was most likely true. I considered how I would tell my family and close friends, and my husband. He, of course, has been following this every step of the way, and was equally disappointed, which was sad for me, but followed up with “We’ll keep at it” and an “I love you”.

I made a rookie mistake. My first ovulation, thanks to Clomid, and I allowed myself to believe I was pregnant. And then, I got incredibly anxious/excited/nervous about it. Last night I could barely even say the words out loud, that’s how anxious I was about it. I found out I was nervous, which I never expected I would be. Not calm in the slightest.

In the coming cycles, I will hopefully have learned my lesson. I know so many of you out there learned this lesson a long time ago, and I’m just catching on now. Do not, under any circumstances, get your hopes up. Because when you start to believe it’s true, and then it’s not, it hurts more than you ever thought it would.

I’m not crying or anything, I’m just….totally bummed. But it’s CD 1, I’ll call for Clomid tomorrow, and the pills will be in my belly in the next week. Onwards and upwards.

[Still] Waiting on Clomid…

I understand that patience is not my best trait. I’m working on that. But every little setback in delaying this process is SO FRUSTRATING!

An update: A few days ago, I called on Day 28 of my cycle, like I was told to do, to ask for the pregnancy blood test. I did, but got my head nurse’s voicemail, so I left a message asking if the blood test could be faxed to the place in my town I usually go to, not all the way out to their office 40 minutes away. Well, after school I checked my phone and had a voicemail (10 minutes too late to call back…). My head nurse was out, but another nurse took the call. She misunderstood me in my voicemail and thought I said I was on Day 20. So, in her message, she said, “You’re still too early for the pregnancy test. We usually like to do it between Days 30 and 35 – call back in a few weeks.” Ahh! I frantically tried to call back to clarify but it was too late. So, I left another message.

The next day, in the middle of a meeting, I got a call, and I was able to answer it. It was my head nurse, apologizing for not being there yesterday and the miscommunication. She said sure, I could have my blood test faxed, but it wouldn’t be as quick in its results (two days, not immediate). Also, she wanted to know if it was at all possible I could be pregnant, because if so, I would be tested for progesterone levels. Nope, I’m sure. Okay, she said. She had it faxed. Then, she seemed to forget the rest of my plan, asking such questions as, “Did the Dr. say you were starting Clomid next cycle?” (Yes.) “So you’re nearing the time you will be needing it?” (Yes.) I’m not just calling for my health, here!

So that very afternoon I went and had the blood test done. No big deal – I can wait two days, as opposed to finding out immediately. The last time I had a pregnancy blood test done it took two days. I had to have my thyroid checked anyway, so going to my local lab worked out.

Today was two days later. I was supposed to call my head nurse for the results, and she would fax a prescription for Provera to get my period started. Yesterday afternoon, on my house’s answering machine (we’ve only ever talked through my cell – why would she not call that?), she left me a message that I didn’t get until 5:00 letting me know that my lab I had the test done in went ahead and tested my progesterone levels. She didn’t specify whether she asked for it on the lab, or whether the lab did it by themselves. Either way – because my progesterone was tested, and not just a pregnancy test, it will take another WEEK for the results to come in. Seriously?!

I understand it’s just a week. Really. And compared to what others have had to go through, a week is nothing. It’s just that I’m SO close to starting Clomid. So close to actually being able to start hoping for a baby. I was going to be on Clomid during my week off, on the holiday vacation. That would’ve worked out, just in case I did have any weird side effects. Now I’ll be on it the week I get back to work.

Oh well. I can deal, I don’t want to be desperate. I’m just anxious, and super excited. I cannot wait any longer!