Cue IVF, with a therapy session

I feel like I owe the world an update. It’s been so long (only since August 25th, but feels like forever) that I actually just had to go to my blog to see what my last post was. I couldn’t even remember what I talked about.

My last post was the night before my last IUI. Since then, I had the IUI (painful this time, really, but my head nurse declared that “this would be the one”, and it would work). Then, I had my birthday on the 29th, turned 28. I was very glad I was at the beginning of my TWW when my birthday hit, not the end. Then, school started. It was crazy busy as you teachers know – I spent the whole week before my birthday in my room decorating, and after that, preparing the curriculum, attending meetings, and then the kids came. This was the first week of school, and there wasn’t a single day I was home before 4:30, even though I got there at 7:00. I was actually grateful to have school this week, the second half of my TWW, since it would help take my mind off it. And it did.

But let’s just recap for a second. Do you recall how, in my last TWW, I took Crinone (the progesterone cream) for the first time, and no one told me that you don’t get your period while you’re on it? So in those last days, I got all excited for nothing as there was no spotting whatsoever and I thought for sure, I must be pregnant. After a blood test revealed I wasn’t, I stopped the Crinone and got my period a day or two later. And then I blogged that this time, now that I knew Crinone stopped your period, I wouldn’t get my hopes up for anything?

And then this cycle came along. Let’s just keep the story short and say this: I started spotting, on Crinone, a few days ago. Cue excitement. Maybe my nurse was right, you know, maybe it was finally my time…I kind of “felt” pregnant. What’s up with the spotting? I could only assume implantation spotting. But it was so light, that I thought it could’ve been an irritation from the cream, which happens I guess. I did test, BFN.

Until yesterday, when I woke up with some light colors that definitely could be called spotting, but not from the cream, and excitement grew. Even though I’d already been spotting for a full day, it was still so light, it just had to be implantation spotting.

Until today, when I woke up with….

….my period. Really? Really?? Think about this. Last cycle I got my hopes up because nothing happened, only to find out the Crinone delayed it. This cycle I got my hopes up because something happened, a whole lot of something, only to find out that it’s possible for the Crinone NOT to delay your period. WHAT the hell??

And I know it’s my period. Doubling-over cramping, the tampon being a must-have..and it continues to get heavier. As I’m STILL on the damn cream! I thought it wasn’t possible! So freaking frustrating, I can’t even begin to explain it. But you all know.

I did call the nurse, she responded with, “Hmm…that’s weird.” Yes, yes it is. However, she said, I could still be pregnant, so I need to do a blood test tomorrow morning. And I will. But I’m not pregnant. There’s no way. I have a full-on period. And if I was pregnant…I just wouldn’t think all this blood is a good thing. It’s a period.

Cue chocolate cravings and comfort food.

So, that’s the end of of my IUI days. Finishing Clomid was a big deal at the time, and now finishing injectables with IUI’s are old hat. Moving on. What’s next? Oh yeah, IVF.

The only thing I want to say about IVF for now is this: I went to the mandatory IVF seminar last night with my husband. The first half was very informative, our clinic has some of the highest success rates in the country (I hope they’re not just saying this), the doctor really spelled out all the steps for us. I get it. I’m good with it all, except 1) OHSS risks and 2) shots with giant needles in my ass.

But the second half of the seminar was from the psychologist. And I have to say, it was like a giant unexpected therapy session. She started talking about what we must be feeling, all 40 of us or so, and as heads started to nod all around me, I swear to god I almost cried. And I’m not really that type. It’s just – so SAD that we are going through this, so shitty of a situation I never in my life thought I’d be facing, and yet, so NICE to see 40 people sitting there smiling and nodding, and you just know, they get it. They get it more than anyone else could. And that’s also why I continue to blog here, for that same community feeling.

In addition, the psychologist validated my feelings. And I already know my feelings and emotions, and I’m actually doing fine overall, with the exception of the screaming bitterness I feel on a regular basis. Otherwise I’m good. I never thought I needed validation. But it’s crazy – I did. She started talking about how we’ve probably all heard the stupid comments people make, like, “Just relax. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to,” and “don’t stress, or you’re going to make it worse”. All things I’ve HEARD! And then we all laughed, because it’s so true. And she talked about how some people have kept this horrible secret in forever, and perhaps they might want to think about sharing it. VS people who started off telling the whole world (um, me) and are now starting to think it might be better to keep your mouth shut (yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking lately). It’s like she read my mind! And how sometimes, the people you tell and get the better feedback from are your friends, or strangers, rather than family members (hence why I continue to tell the blogging world). It was just…so what I’m feeling. And obviously everyone else there too. It was just nice. That’s all. Nice. Even though I wanted to cry the whole time. I even raised my hand (like a big girl) and told everyone how the follistim shots are nothing to be scared of whatsoever, since I was one of the few who had done any shots before. It’s an emotional thing, and I – let’s just say if you know me, you know I don’t like to be..vulnerable. I hate to be emotional. Hate it. Because I hold myself together, and I pride myself on that. But last night I was very emotional, and I realized, you know what, this is shitty, this is really shitty. Why have I been trying to play it off? I don’t want people to think I’m a mess, that’s why. I’m not a mess. I laugh, I enjoy myself, I love my job. I’m good. But it’s not..okay. This is not my life.

And then tonight we were walking the dogs, and my husband said, “You know, I really actually enjoyed that class last night. It was nice to know there were others sitting in the same room as us who get what we are going through.” And cue more emotions. I feel bad for him, I do. I feel bad for me, I feel bad for us. This just sucks, big time. Yet, as upset as I felt last night, I also felt..relief. And almost a little giddy. I suppose a little therapy doesn’t hurt anyone.

Since I’m not sure when I’ll be back for a new post, because, really, what is there to say, I’ll share the new plan.

The new plan is, I am meeting with the doctor on the 17th to go over our IVF plan, wait out the 20 or so days left in my cycle, get Provera, start a period…and then the IVF process starts. So we’re looking at October, which I knew. Maybe IVF will work. Hopefully.