Monday Mind Dump, Round 2

It’s Monday again. While I’m really not a fan of Mondays, it does mean I get to try out the “Monday Mind Dump” once again. I borrowed the idea from Rachel on her blog, and after trying it for the first time last week, I received a lot of positive responses.

If you’re thinking of trying out Monday Mind Dump on your blog, you just let the thoughts flow. They do not need to be IF-related; in fact, it’s nice to take a break from that topic once in a while. Here’s what’s been on my mind today:

1) I had a dream last night that really spoke to who I feel I’ve been as a person lately. In the dream, a friend of mine had a baby, a girl, and because I was so wrapped up in my own IF issues, I completely missed the birth. I realized weeks later that not only did I miss it, but I never tried to find out her name or say “Congratulations”. And I felt really, horribly guilty. I woke up with this thought – “It’s not all about me.” Sometimes in this jungle of IF stuff, I think you can get yourself lost. Who were you, before you started TTC? What did your friends like about you as a person? Are you keeping your old values and goals close by, or have they been replaced? Today I feel as if I want/need to be there for my friends. I’m excited for all the steps through life they have taken, or will take, including getting married, buying homes, and having kids. Whether or not I’ve shown this caring side of myself to my friends in the last six months – well, that’s to be debated, but I wouldn’t argue if they said I hadn’t. There are many dreams in life people strive for, and I happen to be reaching towards one right now. But so are my friends. And I need to make sure I’m around to put my own life aside, and be supportive to other people. I’ve always been bad about calling/texting/making plans with other people, including those I care about. So it’s an ongoing goal to reach out more and make those connections.

2) A friend of mine gave me the book The Hunger Games today. I’ve heard nothing but good things, but I have no idea what it’s about. I’m super-excited to give it a read. Anyone out there read it? Don’t tell me too much, but what did you think of it?

3) My teacher brain is on. There are a lot of teachers out there who are reading this blog. Some of you, I’m sure, are better than others at turning off your brain once you get home. I could use a few words of advice on how to do that. As is, I came home, excited to write this post, but the things that were immediately on my brain were all teaching-related. Not because I’m dying to continue thinking about my long day, but because I can’t shut my brain off. My kids really did  not do well on that math test today. Where should I keep the money they are raising in the fundraiser? What am I teaching in science tomorrow? It’s an endless stream  of thoughts – the ultimate Monday Mind Dump. Unfortunately, they are not interesting thoughts.  They’re boring; slightly high-strung. When I get home, I want to stop thinking about school. Any suggestions?

4) CD 5, and the first Clomid pill is down the hatch. Here we go, Round 2. I have high hopes, and I’ll try not to let myself fall too hard if it doesn’t happen. 50 mg worked last time, at least with ovulation. I just hope I catch ovulation, because I’m wondering if it might happen on a completely different day. Last cycle it was CD 24, very late.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I’ll be back Thursday, for my first ever Thankful Thursday, courtesy of Belle‘s blog. Have a good week everyone!

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Hope for Clomid

So this thought has been spinning around in my head for a few days, and that’s how I know it’s time to share.

I am, of course, excited to be starting Clomid soon. Really, really excited. I’ve also been easily over-sharing the details of my infertility to people outside of the online blogging world, in real life. This hasn’t always been the best decision. I’ve just been in my own little world, anxiously waiting for my first treatment to my anovulation.

Recently, after declaring out loud, “I can’t wait [for Clomid]! I’m so excited – I just want to do this already!” someone said in response, “Well, you’re happy to start the process, you mean. It’s probably not going to be that easy.”

I’ve actually had a few people say something like this to me – so it’s not just this one. The person who said this particular comment to me did not mean this to sound – pessimistic. She’s actually been very supportive, as she had gone through similar experiences a few years ago, which has, at this time, not had a happy ending. I know she wasn’t trying to be negative; she was trying to be realistic and to help me keep an even head. I believe now that she was probably talking more to herself than to me.

Here’s the thing: After blogging (seemingly endlessly) about waiting, and patience, and being full of unanswered questions, I finally have an answer: anovulation, and a treatment: Clomid. I realize that it is my very first treatment to this problem. I also realize that of course, there’s probably a pretty decent chance that it won’t work, and I’ll have to move my treatments to the next level, IUI. Who knows, that might not work and I’ll be moving to IVF. I know all this.

If I don’t have hope that Clomid is going to work (and maybe naively, I do), then how could I possibly go through this process and keep my sanity intact? I’m not saying that if this doesn’t work I’ll be completely surprised, but I have to hope it will. And I do. In fact, I hope it works in the first very round. Doubtful? Yes. But I’m going to hope for it anyway.

I guess what I’m saying is this: in my opinion, if you’re going through fertility treatments, you have to be positive. If you aren’t, and you’re reminding yourself constantly that this probably won’t work, we’ll have to try something else – well then, you’ll drive yourself crazy. I am telling myself that Clomid is going to help me get pregnant so that I can have something to hope for while on Clomid. Otherwise, what would be the point?

To all of my new blogging friends who are at any step in the fertility treatments process, how did you handle comments like this? Did you keep positive thoughts through each type of treatment?

Do I want to share? I do..but I don’t…

I’m feeling some reflection coming on. (My friends roll their eyes when I do this.) There are so many people out there who are going through their infertility journeys that have been going on for years. They’ve had injections, IVF, and countless other treatments that I don’t even know about yet. After doing a blog search through this main site, I’ve come across some of those people. I really feel for them, and almost feel sheepish commenting on their blogs that I’m just starting my journey.

That said, I love writing this blog. It is so therapeutic to me, and helpful. But there are a few things standing in my way.

If this blog could have turned into anything, I would have loved for it to be a sort of forum for pregnancy, for those who are struggling and those who aren’t. While this is currently all about my story, I’d love to eventually hear the stories of those who are going through their own pregnancy journeys, allowing for a place full of information for anyone trying to get pregnant.

Therefore, I’ve been thinking about how to improve my blog, and I have a few thoughts. First, my story is a big deal to me. My friends are very caring and supportive, and read my posts, which I appreciate. But as I said before, so many others are going through this times 100, and in no way do I want this to sound like I’m the only one who’s struggling here. I’d love to get this out to the public, to women who could share their comments and stories.

How do you get a blog out to the public successfully? Well, it might help to own your site. At this time, I do not. But it still can be shared – through sites like Twitter and Facebook, and through word of mouth. I can put tags in my posts, to make it easier to locate. I could spend way more time on this blog, and add photos and make it look more cleaned up. I wish I had time for this!

But as I’m super excited to have a few followers who aren’t my close friends – perfect strangers going through a similar experience, I’m wondering how to keep spreading the word. I’m totally fine with my friends who already know about this sharing this with their friends – especially anyone they think might benefit from the support.

Here’s oneeee little problem. I haven’t told all of my family and friends about this. At all. Therefore, I can’t put anything on Facebook. I keep wanting to make that leap, because I know there are many of my Facebook friends who would be supportive, but then ALL of my Facebook friends would know, and many of them I’m not really close to. Do I want to put my problems out there for the world to see? It is my place to do that, when everyone has issues, but not everyone broadcasts them?

As you can see, I’m going back and forth. Once I share it with the Facebook world – it’s all out there. There’s no going back! Lately, I’ve been wanting to tell practically everyone about it. I’m not necessarily looking for anything – but it makes me feel better to get it off my chest. Unfortunately, I’m still too chicken to take that big step. So until then – I appreciate my blog followers, those who I know and those I don’t, and will take baby steps into really getting this out into the world.

Finally – I’d love suggestions! If you have a blog – what works for you? What are some challenges you faced when starting your blog? If you don’t have a blog – as a reader, what does and doesn’t interest you? What could I do to improve the look and feel of this blog? Thanks for your input! 🙂